Question on gender identity

[JulesLynne]

Hello everyone. I’m new to the forums and I identify as a male heterosexual crossdresser in my 40s. I’ve always had a feminine side and wanted to dress as a woman, but I’ve never felt uncomfortable having a male body or male gender role in life. However, I’d describe myself as 95% normal guy and 5% girl... but increasingly when I go into girl mode, I have a much stronger desire to be 100% girl, including makeup wig, breastforms, and clothing. I still haven’t gone all the way like that, but doing so is now something that’s important to me.

My question (or fear?): have any of you FTM ladies started out like this, or have you always felt like your brain’s gender didn’t match your physical body? I’ve never experienced that type of Dysphoria, but I’m curious if such a thing can manifest itself later in life.
Thank you,
L

[pamela7]

Hello Lynne,

My path does resemble yours to some extent. One difference is that I did not even think of gender identity before I found this forum, nor had I connected with the local CD groups. The more I did, the more I wanted, and after a lot of personal processing, yes I could see my entire life made sense as a female being in a male body, and I'm transitioning.

To contrast this perspective though, a great many CD'ers - and you could ask this question in that part of the forum, too - go through urges to dress more and more. For most of them, doing the full CD out in the world is enough. From the post percentages, I'd say 10% of the forum are TS, and 90% are CD. Where you fit, only your own personal explorations will tell you.

welcome, anyway :-)

xxx Pam

[JulesLynne]

Pam,

Thanks. Just curious - did you ever get married and have kids? If so, how did you identify as a husband and father? For me, I couldn’t imagine giving up those roles, and I don’t just mean being a spouse or raising kids. I mean doing the old-fashioned “dad” things - rough play, fishing, camping, watching football, fixing things around the house, etc. in addition to routine parenting consisting of feeding, cleaning, homework, bedtime, etc. I’ve read that some TG individuals have kids but then don’t really feel natural in a traditional dad role.

I’ve done a ton of soul searching and so far I don’t fit the mold of being TS. But it’s been eye opening for me to admit that I’m somewhere on the “transgender” spectrum. So I suppose I am a little bit insecure with this new label even though everything inside me tells me that I’m a part time CD.

Thanks for your inputs!
L

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dont be insecure.
Be smart and be honest with yourself..

Mid life causes lots and lots of questioning for pretty much everybody!!!...

The way to answer your questioning is to gain experience. Dress more, do things to feel more feminine, push your boundries, meet people as your female sidem do some hair removal.....Trust me, if you are a transwoman, then you've been really really repressing yourself, and it will very likely come out very strongly and be very obvious to you..and more likely you'll find it just as obvious that you are just working out your place and the good news on that is you can do it publicly, privately, intermittently or any other way you choose...

[pamela7]

As Kaitlyn Michele says, "really really repressing" sums it up for me back then. Have sent a PM with more detailed reply to your question.

[Jenna Stunned]

Thanks. Just curious - did you ever get married and have kids? If so, how did you identify as a husband and father? For me, I couldn’t imagine giving up those roles, and I don’t just mean being a spouse or raising kids. I mean doing the old-fashioned “dad” things - rough play, fishing, camping, watching football, fixing things around the house, etc. in addition to routine parenting consisting of feeding, cleaning, homework, bedtime, etc. I’ve read that some TG individuals have kids but then don’t really feel natural in a traditional dad role.

Why would you have to give up those things? I'm 36 and I still plan on doing everyone one of those things. Just because someone transitions to live as a woman doesn't mean they have to give up doing the things they enjoy. Just as many men don't like doing those "Manly" things, A woman Cis or trans can equally do them. Transition is about changing your gender not your personality. I love camping, football, And beating up on and tickling my kids, Or rather having them kick my butt, As well as Im a remodeling contractor with 20 years experience. Nothing will ever change that. For me I am physically built wrong not mentally, And that's what im fixing.

[Teresa]

Lynne,
From your first comment of describing yourself as a heterosexual male you sound as if you are reluctant to let go of that, so is it a safety net at the moment or the limit of how far you think your CDing should safely go ?

OK you have to find yourself , but it sounds difficult for you as it is for most of us, I've been married 43 years , have two children and three grandchildren and yet the nagging or gut feeling had to be answered . I do fear sometimes it's too late but soon I'm to separate and move away some miles to be Teresa full time. I've managed to keep it amicable so I'm not losing my family completely but I'm not fooling myself it won't be different .

To get to this point is a mix of counselling , talking to some great members here on the forum and finding a member who introduced me to a social group, that is the best thing I ever did because it helped answer many questions. When I wasn't nervous the first time I went out dressed I knew it was right , it brought a balance and meaning to being a CDer . I've stopped worrying about the labels , I'm just going out there to be me whatever that is .

Some label it as being selfish but eventually you have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others , my family now respect me for being that, they didn't believe how I truly felt so I had to go against the odds and show them it is real and not an act .

[~Emma D~]

Hi Lynne
I first came out in my teens, but a few years later circumstances pushed me in a different direction as I couldn’t deal with who I was. My GID was always under the surface, until I eventually took the decision to go back into the world. In my case repression for such a long period, did just what Kaitlyn suggested, and it came out very strongly, to the point where 5 years ago, I was literally living a double life, it was like being reborn.

Being that way was no good for myself or family and finally something gave.

[Mirya]

increasingly when I go into girl mode, I have a much stronger desire to be 100% girl, including makeup wig, breastforms, and clothing. I still haven’t gone all the way like that, but doing so is now something that’s important to me.

You should do this. It's clearly important to you, so why not try it and see how you feel? I'd also encourage you to go to local crossdresser/transgender support groups. Meeting others in the community is not only fun and uplifting, but a great way to learn more about your own self.

[2BArianwen]

I am learning not to try and 'predict' the future, just accept that all possibilities are on the table. Instead, I'm trying to focus on today and just embrace who I am. Just a thought... Rian

[Rachel Smith]

.. but increasingly when I go into girl mode, I have a much stronger desire to be 100% girl, including makeup wig, breastforms, and clothing. I still haven’t gone all the way like that, but doing so is now something that’s important to me.
L

Ask yourself this simple question. WHY?

Then think this can I do this EVERYDAY of my life until I meet my demise?

Personally I think you are putting the cart before the horse in that perhaps you should dress more and see how it fits and I don't mean for a day or two but for EVERY minute of EVERY day as long as it doesn't effect your employment. No doubt at first it will be enjoyable. I did exactly that for a little more then a year before I made my decision to start transition. I used to take my makeup and a change of clothes to work and put them on as soon as I found a proper place, i.e. the back of a big parking lot or some similar place. By doing that you take the fun part out of it and get to see how it fits DAILY. Does it become more of a hassle then it is worth or is it worth the hassle because somehow it just fits. By doing that you will not harm your career or offend any friends in the case you decide it's just not worth it.

Rachel Smith

[pamela7]

Exactly this. I did the same as Rachel, for 9 months, then I took another 3 months to mull over the decision before seeing my doctor.

[Jeri Ann]

Lynne, if you are ok as a male to any degree then you are probably not a candidate for transition and maybe not TG. A 100% girl doesn't wear breast forms or wigs, or at least none that I have ever known. If your brain's gender didn't match your physical body, you wouldn't describe your self as 95% male.

It may be that you are intrigued by the possibility of apparent transformation. Many people are like this. Their end goal is simply that, a temporary transformation, even involving altering photos to complete the look. There is nothing wrong with that. If it pleases you then do that. But, an attraction, addiction, infatuation, etc. with women's clothes is not an indication of being TG.

Transition is a bitch, even in the best of situations. It is not about looking like a woman, it is being a woman. I think most who have been through, or currently experiencing, transition would agree that it needs to be a last resort.

[Dorit]

Transition is a bitch, even in the best of situations. It is not about looking like a woman, it is being a woman. I think most who have been through, or currently experiencing, transition would agree that it needs to be a last resort.

This is my experience too as my transition proceeds. I seem to care less and less specifically about the clothes and have more and more freedom and joy to finally be the woman I always was. However, for my self I would not describe my transition as "a bitch," even though I have experienced some deep suffering in relationships because of it.

[LeaP]

... have you always felt like your brain’s gender didn’t match your physical body? I’ve never experienced that type of Dysphoria ...

This is a cliche. Reality can be far more complicated.

The feelings you’re describing sound more like intense crossdressing drive or perhaps even OCD-like behavior. My advise is to find a therapist to help dig into your feelings of change in regard to your crossdressing.

Many transsexuals experience an explosive release - or breakdown - where an surge in crossdressing need coincides with wholesale psychological upheaval. I’m not dismissing the possibility that you are experiencing this, but it somehow seems a stretch based on your post.

Let us know how things are going.

[Jenny22]

Lynne, I believe you are much , much more than 5% girl. You've even given yourself a girl's name.
1. How often do you go into girl mode?
2. What causes you to do so?
3. What do you wear when in girl mode?
4. Do you have a small stash of femme things?
5. Have you ever used just lipstick?
6. Etc..
Share with us, and maybe we can be of more or better help to you in your search

[Jeri Ann]

Lynne, in your OP you referenced "MTF ladies" as well as (gender) "dysphoria". This implies that you are also referring to transition. Transition, I think, is a misused term. It doesn't mean crossdressing more and looking like a woman. It means becoming a woman and, typically, blending in to mainstream society as a woman. It is a long, hard, painful and costly journey.

Attempts at measuring femininity in numbers, ie. %, is useless and risky. If transition is for you, you know it. The need is not determined by factors, male and female, that are compared or balanced against each other to see which weighs more. Again, if you are ok, to any extent, with being male, then that is what you need to stay. Get you some "makeup, wig, breastforms, and clothing" and enjoy some crossdressing.

There is too much misinformation on this forum. Just this week the mods deleted such a post. It is dangerous to the uninformed that come here looking for truth.

[JulesLynne]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate everyone’s perspectives on this. Yes, there are lots of labels but at the end of the day we are all unique individuals. I suppose I may have overreacted when I learned that crossdressing is somewhere within the transgender spectrum. I started questioning myself kinda like when you get sick and start looking at WebMD and end up diagnosing yourself with everything known to mankind. Regarding this specific thread, I recently came to the realization that I don’t want to give up dressing and that I’d like to pursue it a little bit more. “Coming out” as a CD has been an emotional roller coaster for both me and my wife. However, things are stabilizing and I’m gaining more clarity regarding what I really want, and also some things that don’t appeal to me. And fortunately my wife and I have had several open discussions about this, and it’s been great to be able to talk to her face to face.

At the end of the day, I am truly happy with my male life and don’t desire to change it or transition full time. For me, it’s all about the dressing in private, and while my style of dressing is very feminine, but doesn’t really reflect clothing that most women would wear on a day to day basis. I do like the ability to shift back and forth between roles, and I like the freedom that being a CD gives me - I can pick and choose the aspects of feminity that I’d like to emulate. And although I have a name for my email and the forum, I really don’t care what I’m called when I’m dressed and I don’t have much attachment to the name. “He” is just fine with me because I realize that I’m still a man in a dress. “She” would also be OK with me, because I’m presenting as a woman.

Thanks for your assistance in working through this and giving me some great things to think about!

[Nigella]

As the OP now clearly identifies as CD, this thread is closed