Dichotomy

[April Doe]

I just wrote my first post in this forum earlier today as April Doe, but I'm conflicted. I can't accept the idea that there's two of us. A male and a female. Separate, yet inhabiting the same body and mind. I have a male given name. Unlike most people (though certainly not here), I also have a female taken name. I consider this an unavoidable necessity. My given name is not gender neutral. I would prefer not to introduce myself when non-conforming to my birth gender by a contradictory gendered name.

I don't want to (try really hard not to) write about her in the third person. It's as if she's detached from me if and when I do. I struggled for a long time – I wanted her gone from us. He could continue leading our privileged male life. Until he couldn't.

Maybe this works better as a journal entry rather than a post in a public-ish forum, but I'm wondering if this makes sense to anyone? I'm not trying to accept her. I'm trying to accept myself, and defining her as different, separate and other than I doesn't help. She doesn't approve. There is no April Doe.

LOOKS IN THE MIRROR.

I.

[Asew]

I can't accept the idea that there's two of us.

I totally relate to this. I just joined and while I have always used Asew for girl video game characters, but in the real world I do not see myself as Asew. I just want to be me. Welcome to the forums April who does not exist

[Shannon michelle]

I have been thinking about this recently I do have a name that can be either gender and actually have the more common female spelling. I have been using Shannon instead of my actual name as I am not ready to use my real name here. I should come up with some type of screen name instead.

[Tracii G]

I think you are trying to make it harder on yourself than it needs to be.
In your case if you are having a hard time reasoning all this see a gender therapist.
There is only one of you but like many you have a male and a female side as well. Thats really not hard to understand.
There is nothing wrong with you you just haven't accepted who or what you are yet because you are tied to the old dogma that society says you have to be one or the other gender.
If you don't want to speak about your female side in the third party then don't because its not necessary.

[GretchenJ]

I]There is only one of you but like many you have a male and a female side as well. Thats really not hard to understand.

If you don't want to speak about your female side in the third party then don't because its not necessary.

Very simple statement, but it truly speaks volumes. Like you, I have a male and a female persona, presentation wise it will vary, but internally there is always one person. My personality is 80% the same regardless of male or female presentation, so instead of referring to yourself in the 3rd party, just refer to yourself as April or just simply I

[sometimes_miss]

I can't accept the idea that there's two of us.

That's because there aren't. It's all you. Multiple personalities are quite rare. What you experience is the common male desire to remove any female feelings or thoughts from yourself because our upbringing has made us believe that to be feminine in any way is the worst possible thing for a boy to be. The ultimate insult for a boy is to be called anything girly, the 'P' word, sissy, etc.. After all, there are women who will find even the worst men, murderers, cheaters, assassins, wife beaters, still attractive, but a feminine guy? Nope. Femininity destroys the attraction.

That's why you see so many here who try to convince themselves that all the female feelings and thoughts aren't really themselves. They cannot accept it. So they invent a second personality to assign all those female thoughts, to.

Accept what you are. Like those who are gay, there's nothing inherently wrong with it. Eventually the rest of the world will understand this too, but probably not in our lifetimes.

[Beverley Sims]

You will get used to writing in the first person as April.

The guy in your life eventually takes a back seat whilst you are here.

He just looks over your shoulder..........


Now, turn around quickly.....

Did you see him?

Oh! well, it takes time. :-)

[bridget thronton]

It's a bit like being called mom and grandma - two names same person.

[Julia1984]

April (Lovely name, by the way, and my second favourite month).
You nailed it in your last sentence. "There is no April Doe". What there is, is just YOU. A complex human creature coming to terms that you're just a bit more complex than most humans, or at least more so than the majority would like to admit or accept.
Juliaxx

[alwayshave]

April, in my humble opinion, you just have yet to accept that the female half is part of the whole. When you do, it will become easier.

[GretchenM]

Perhaps there is some conceptual confusion going on. It seems that you are looking for a female when you are biologically male.

A major concept in gender science is to separate sex and gender. Male and female are biological sexes and there are occasional mixed male and female called intersex. This is all biology.

But gender is associated with creatures that have complex social lives, mostly only found in apes/humans but hinted at elsewhere. Gender has to do with what you feel internally and that can produce a sense of there being a feminine self and a masculine self in a society where gender is tightly associated with sex when it comes to expectations.

Gender identity is biologically created in the brain and because all brains are unique how the brain configures all of this varies from person to person. In terms of sex and biology there is just you, but what defines you in terms of social expectations is much broader than what we usually see. And that comes out as sort of two personas - a masculine one that you think is native and a feminine one that feels kind of out of body. In fact, all of this is really wrapped into one package that spans a very broad range of gender roles, sensations, and expressions. It is very likely just the way you are configured.

But in a society where sex and gender are usually thought of as the same thing, reconciling your broad range almost demands that you try to separate the two. You have to accept that they are one person and even though your sex is not mixed, your sensation of gender is seen as mixed. It actually isn't. It is all you.

It is really hard to deal with at first, but once you discover that there really is unity it is so much easier to accept and deal with.

[GretchenJ]

After all, there are women who will find even the worst men, murderers, cheaters, assassins, wife beaters, still attractive, but a feminine guy? Nope. Femininity destroys the attraction.

For some this may be the the case, but not for all. When I finally came out to my SO, she did not know the extent of it, but told me that my feminine tendencies was one of the traits that attracted herself to me. The old saying is true, there is a match for everyone out there.

[Laura912]

There are people who live their entire lives without getting comfortable in their own skin. Some would like this skin shaped a little differently. You will realize the spectrum called “gender.” Maybe you will, with the help of those here, find where you are. Note that is the singular “you.” As one of mixed gender, I is me is Laura. Won’t tell you how many years that concept took to accept without conflict. But if you need to separate the two genders as two people for now, you will not hurt anything. It may even help you blend them together eventually. And to paraphrase Yoda, “You will, April. You will.”

[Helen_Highwater]

April,

Firstly, don't overthink it. I've known people who in their work life were deadly dull serious but in their private lives extrovert and outgoing. Other who are normally easy going unless it's playing sport and then they're as competitive as hell.

I have no issues with giving a title to the other side of my life that manifests itself as Helen. Just accept that you have these different facets and don't worry about it. A rose by any other name............

[Micki_Finn]

Yes there are many ladies here who refer to or address their fem selves from a third person point of view. There are also many of us who don’t. One isn’t better than the other. Just go with what feels natural to you.

[GracieRose]

Like many, you have what society considers male and female traits in the same person in a male body. The problem is trying to fit that into the mold of two distinct genders in a society that puts them in two distinct separate pools. (He-she, clothes for girls - clothes for guys, hairstyles for guys-hairstyles for girls, girl names and guy names etc.) Many here have struggled with the same issues as you (I found it good to know that I'm not the only one).
As I read what others write here, I've seen myself sometimes and have been able to benefit from someone else that has thought it through a little better. Other times, I read something from someone who is on a little different journey than me. We're all unique individuals and don't fit in a standard set of characteristics expected by society at large. But I learn also from those I relate to and those I don't relate to.
I hope you can use this forum to better understand yourself.

[newlybronwyn]

There are not two people. There is you. Anyone who says there is a female you and a male you is wrong and are looking at things from an outdated binary mode of gender. Gender is a sliding scale upon which you can lay anywhere and your gender expression can change any day to fit any situation. There is so much hiding it shadows and fear that itself frightens me.

[CONSUELO]

First welcome to this site. You will find many resources here that I hope will be of help to you.
There is just one of you and that persona does not feel entirely masculine or feminine. If this is a challenging issue for you perhaps you should go and talk to a counsellor who is skilled in this area

[docrobbysherry]

April, when some us speak of our female personas in the 3rd person it's because we THINK OF THEM that way!

Many of us CD's r just that in the end, men in dresses. We don't feel that we have "female sides"!

Count yourself fortunate that u do!

[Jenny22]

What wonderful insights and comments by all. I am impressed once again by the ladies of this forum!

[Teresa]

April,
Look at it in a different way, if you accept you are born like it as I do I see it as my male side overlaid with a female trait, the male is influenced by the female and female by the male . Sometimes the female takes over and we have the need to express it , at times we need the male traits to achieve certain things in life . I'm finding I feel more comfortable and natural appearing female , I have had a conflict between male and female and the female is finally winning and I do feel happier admitting that , my acceptance is I'm still me and I enjoy using the femme version of my name .

[Confucius]

I think each of us is unique and we all developed our own way of dealing with crossdressing. It seems to be common for crossdressers to develop a female alter ego, give her a female name, and strive to pass as a woman. They may see themselves as having a male side and a female side. Their personality may even change when they crossdress.

In my case, I see myself as a man even when I crossdress. My personality stays the same, and I do not try to pass as woman. I believe that my brain is hardwired to release feel-good neurotransmitters when I crossdress. So crossdressing make me happy. I don't need to pass as a woman, or have a female name.

[Pat]

April-- I think by now you should be getting the idea that it's different for different people. Some are/think they are two people that exist in the body separately, some are/think they are one person at all times and some have a different take on it. In this case, just go with whatever resonates for you and be open to changing your mind as you acquire new experiences. For me, I spent a time thinking I had two "sides" and then collapsed them into one and discarded the separate personae as false roles that I had been playing. I'm one person at all times now and that's the right answer for me, but might not be the right answer for you. Stay flexy.

[Cassandra Lynn]

That was a very eloquent post April and you obviously are intelligent. I think the replies have done a good job of covering everything, just give it some time.

Maybe try and think of the construct of gender identity as a spectrum, many of us do. You are one being but your own sense of gender can move either direction on that spectrum, and we often have no idea why.

Ebb and flow......ebb and flow. Your name, whether given or chosen need not define you totally.

[Alisonforme]

I think of myself as a jewel that has a male facet and a female facet. It’s the same light source (which is the “me”) and there is a female expression. Just like there’s a professional expression, a lounging expression, a musical expression, etc. They all overlap and commingle and create me.

I’ve only been in an environment to be called “Alison” once and that was around a conference table with a group of trans people. I will be out in a more social environment soon and was recently wondering if I would recognize that someone was calling me with “Alison”! I hope nobody feels like I’m blowing them off if I don’t recognize my own name!