I just wrote my first post in this forum earlier today as April Doe, but I'm conflicted. I can't accept the idea that there's two of us. A male and a female. Separate, yet inhabiting the same body and mind. I have a male given name. Unlike most people (though certainly not here), I also have a female taken name. I consider this an unavoidable necessity. My given name is not gender neutral. I would prefer not to introduce myself when non-conforming to my birth gender by a contradictory gendered name.
I don't want to (try really hard not to) write about her in the third person. It's as if she's detached from me if and when I do. I struggled for a long time – I wanted her gone from us. He could continue leading our privileged male life. Until he couldn't.
Maybe this works better as a journal entry rather than a post in a public-ish forum, but I'm wondering if this makes sense to anyone? I'm not trying to accept her. I'm trying to accept myself, and defining her as different, separate and other than I doesn't help. She doesn't approve. There is no April Doe.
LOOKS IN THE MIRROR.
I.