I am now in my 50’s and have been dressing since around 12...so almost 42 years of my life. I have purged twice, once in my early 20’s and again after my wife caught me in the act in my early 30’s. We are still together which I think is a testament to her/our commitment to our marriage.
DREAMS: I know that even early in my teens, I always dreamed that I could find someone that would understand, be supporting, not have any issues with me being a CD, and participate fully with this thing I love (we love) to do. Having the nerve to be open about this, for me at least, was not possible. I guess it was a fear of complete rejection that made being open such a difficult thing to overcome. It did not mean that maybe my dreams wouldn’t come true...it was just going to be hard for it to come too fruition. My wife’s reaction when she caught me was a sobering day where I knew my dreams would not happen.
HOPE: We talked. We talked a lot. We cried some tears in between. It took years, but my wife finally did come to understand that I need this to be a part of my life. My dreams had turned to hope that at some point I could get some positive feedback to my dressing. About 4-5 years ago she started letting me have time to dress (tonight is one of those times) in the house(behind closed doors). This would lead to a few occasions when I had asked her to pick up some things that I needed...press on nails and mascara being the most common. She would do this and I again had a hope that this would lead to more acceptance on her part. However, after a long talk a few weeks ago, my hope turned to Reality.
REALITY: My reality is that my wife will never understand this part of me. She can only see me as a man. Any form of femininity on my part is impossible for her to be a part of. It took many years, but I am happy that I finally understand this about her. I think it has given me some realistic expectations moving forward. I will be given my time, but it will always be time to be alone.
I must add that I am truly thankful for the commitment that my wife has made to us. It is hard for her at times, but she is always there. I am also thankful for all of you...those that are no longer a part of this group, those that are always here, and those that will join in the future. All of you have helped me accept who I am, and it is awesome to know that I am not alone in spirit.
My hope is that your dreams are a reality.
Katie
