Cautionary tail

[Rachael Leigh]

Many here have seen me here for a few years and know my story and how I changed and developed.
I went from a in home CD taking pictures, learning how to perfect my makeup to eventually adventures
in Las Vegas. That lead to going out in my own town on a regular basis as I realized nobody seemed to
care. A tall CD who tried to blend in.
In the past 6 to 8 months I really felt I really wanted to go towards transition, my marriage failed and
so I was going to be on my own for the first time in 35 years. My family was not accepting of my decision and while they said they loved me, I was going this alone.

So I began the process I believed it was what I wanted and needed. I went through counseling and got
my letter to get hormones and I knew this was a really big step. So last week I got my scripts one day
before I was to go on vacation, I decided to wait till I return to take them, why I asked myself.
I was at a crossroads was I not fully committed to this did I go to far. Well it seems so,I have not
taken them and it does not appear I will.

I say all of this to say if your on the fence here when it comes to going fulltime and thinking about
transition just be sure, know it’s really what you want or need to find peace with oneself.
I realized it wasn’t.
Yes I’m working through a lot I don’t know what’s ahead for me.
I hope I haven’t bored you but just felt like sharing in case I can help someone here
Blessings all Rachael

[JulesLynne]

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. You appear to be quite courageous - having the courage to come out, to decide to transition, and now to decide to take a strategic pause. I wish I could tell you your future, but be proud that you’re still in control no matter what path you select.

[Jaymees22]

Sounds like a wise move, what's the rush? This is a major decision and it's also a big step you just made getting divorced. I know some transitioned women and while they are happy they did it. I don't think I could handle it myself. Good luck with whatever you decide. Hugs Jaymee

[Becky Blue]

Good move to stop Racheal I think something so significant requires 100% commitment and absolute certainty. Your may well decide you want to continue down that path one day or not either way not harm in stopping for now.

[bridget thronton]

I hope you are at peace with whatever decisions you make - it is your life

[mbmeen12]

Rachael ....good for you for taking time out. Big decision and sorry about your divorce. So at least you did it right and as to gender disorder maybe just try tipping your toes in the water as to HRT. Never a bore hun and we walk the same miles off indecision...

[alwayshave]

Rachael , it is a big step and maybe pondering on your long term wants and needs is a good thing. I wish the best of luck in what ever you decide.

[GretchenM]

Rachael - That is quite a story. My heart goes out to you. You have been through a lot in your journey. It is good though that when doing the real thing you paused and reconsidered. It is such an emotional part of us sometimes those desires can overwhelm our rational self. I was in a vaguely similar state relative to transitioning about 5 years ago. I reconsidered and I am glad I did; I now realize it really would not have worked.

Take the time to stabilize yourself; even consider seeking help from a professional in making readjustments in your total self and not just your gender variance. Perhaps put things into a new context. But also remember that even though Rachael may become reconfigured in time, she is not going away. It is just a question of finding the configuration that now suits you better. Transition may or may not be in your future. What is important right now is just that - NOW. I wish you all the best. Your revealing this is certainly not boring - it is a beautiful lesson to us all. Thank you for sharing this.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Rachael,

You certainly haven't bored me, as a matter of fact you have been quite helpful. I find myself questioning where I'm going too, wondering if transition may be in my future so your words of caution are giving me more to think about. Thank you for posting and I hope you find a path that works for you.

Elizabeth

[Lana Mae]

It is your life! I think you made the right decision for you. Transition has to be a 100% commitment! There is nothing wrong with stopping something that does not feel right for you! Praise for your courage! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes for the right decision for you. Its not easy for sure. Taking your time to sort this major move out is wise.

[Rayleen]

Great story Rachael, we have to go slower sometimes to make sure you're on the right path.

Thanks for sharing, Hug Rayleen.

[Kandi Robbins]

Rach,

Life certainly ins't easy, but you've dealt with this with grace and dignity. It certainly will be difficult charting the right path going forward, but you have one thing going for you, a good soul. You are a wonderful and loving person and I hope that guides you moving forward.

You know how to reach me when you need support or just a kind word......

Your friend,
Kandi

[dee anne]

March to the beat of your own drummer. Thank you for sharing as it has helped me to consider the path I am on. Thank you God bless
Dee anne

[CONSUELO]

You are facing a major life decision and so it is wise to be very cautious. Think about it, discuss it with those members who want to correspond with you in private and take your time.

[Meghan4now]

Hey Rachel,

I am glad you held off. I think you need some real reflection time. I would suggest a retreat or something similar. In fact, you may want a one year journey. I can fill you in on PM on some suggested ones.

I don't know if your divorce is final, or how broken that relationship ship is, but I would very seriously consider involving your wife in your discovery process. Even though there has been serious hurt there, she may be one person that really knows you, and if she can separate her pain from the situation she may actually be helpful. Even if she has said it in the heat of pain, I doubt very seriously she would want you to make a damaging decision.

In the mean time, know that you are loved, and the door is always open.

[Diane Taylor]

Good advice Rachael....something like what you're describing needs a lot of thought before going ahead with it. Best of luck to you whatever your future holds.

[ClosetED]

Thank you for your story. Many wonder these same things. Sharing your concerns may help others as well.
There is the option of living 24/7 and no HRT.
There are options of some FFS or breast implants without HRT.
Some may take HRT for a limited period just to soften features.
I would be interested in what you were considering your risk/benefits about options.
We all know that sharing this helps
Hugs, Ellen

[Pat]

Rachael -- I know you've given deep thought to your choice and I know those who have been in that same spot back your choice 100%. Transition is a road you take when there's no other road for you. It is total wisdom and "due diligence" to constantly re-evaluate yourself. You may find yourself back at the transition trail-head in the future. Don't be shy about coming back to it if you decide it's right, but don't be concerned if it's never right for you. You have my total respect.

[docrobbysherry]

Rachael, I have a question for u. Did it feel like a weight was lifted off your shoulders when u decided not to proceed?

I'm asking because that's what it felt like to me!

I began dressing out of the blue at age 50. All I could think about was becoming female, having real breasts and a vagina! Then, after 10 years of that fantasy, I had a epiphany! I discovered I didn't need to be a female, just appear to be one. Once I accomplished that, both dressed and naked, (which I can do with my suit whenever I like now), those thots vanished!

And, with they left 8 years ago, I've been so much happier!

[Beverley Sims]

Rachael,

I am pleased to see someone giving a leveler to the decision to transition.

All we ever see is, my successgul journey to the other side.

I have seen the occasional decision not to go ahead or some who show regrets.

What you have written is a message for those that have read all the positive posts and there has been no contra argument.

This is a post for people to read and ponder about, I would like to think that you may transition in the future but if you don't you have made a wise choice.

Good luck in your endeavours.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sherry I’m not sure I did, actually the day I went into work dressed as Rachael is the day I felt a weight lifted.
That day I was not hiding anymore. Now in some ways I feel like people must think I’m crazy.
There are so many factors that made me decide to pull back with the big one just not being fully committed to the process.
Being trans is never easy and decisions you make impact more than just yourself

[Teresa]

Rachel,
Thanks for updating us on your progress.

I'm wondering what is the main reason why you have had second thoughts , is it an inner question or outside pressures ?

I've had a bad day with my wife all the old stuff came out , I may post more on this but I have to be careful when going further that instead of dealing with my needs I'm trying to prove something to my wife and others .

Reading on I see you've answered the question to Sherry .

[Genny B]

Wow, I'm kind of surprised by the post on this. I was expecting someone to say this is normal. But I didn't see that anywhere. Is that because this forum doesn't have many members who have gone past this point? I mean this thread really has me wondering?

Genny B

[IleneD]

Rachael,

My heart truly goes out to you. Nearly every girl of this forum has your feelings; the drive to be or identify as a woman. It is powerful.
I hate the suffering, the doubt, the back and forth, you experience. One would think that all that doubt, denial and suffering would have gone away when you "came out". I'm learning along with you that it does NOT completely. It becomes another set of challenges and thoughts to figure out.

I've followed your posts, some of your history and story here and in the Trans sections. I very much identify with where you perhaps are spiritually and mentally; at least on that trajectory. My winter beach reading is Helen Boyd's book ("My Husband Betty"). Not finished yet. And 3 days ago I came out to my younger brother as CD and quite possibly transgender. I think I AM TRANSGENDER in almost any definition but I didn't want to confuse him. Yes, Rachael. Our lives are in transition to some degree or another and with it there is a COST.

We should have a new thread on the board; something like "WHAT HAS MY CROSSDRESSING/TRANSGENDER COST ME?". Many CD websites and "support organizations" are quite pro-CD and pro-transition. There's a lot of good advice, especially on how to PROCEED with dressing, CD behavior, transition, etc. I see that slant here too There's not much advice to the contrary; that this "CD thing" is bad for you, or it could cost you in unimaginable ways. We need to hear stories like yours'.

One of the things I love about this website is it's honesty. Sisters do indeed share their victories AND their disasters. It breaks my heart that you've paid a cost in your 35 yr old marriage and endured significant Life Change to be at a point of self doubt. I foresee my identity transitioning to more of a female life, but I also selfishly don't wish to sacrifice a 40 yr old (good) marriage relationship and personal relationships I've built for a lifetime as a man. (I know some of that is bound to happen. But WHY?).

It's easy from a distance to think that converting a life from M to F is something easy. Rachael, you are a reminder that it is NOT easy, and something to not take lightly EVER. Proceed with CAUTION and care as you advise us all to do. I've read from fully transitioned TGs that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their worst enemy. The misery of the experience alone makes me wonder why anyone would try it if they didn't absolutely need to do it. It's a testament to the power of the soul.

I don't have much to offer except I understand what you are suffering. The forum and I are with you. I read down through the responses of many of the Usual Crowd here, and their advice is sound and spot on. Always love Pat's advice on subjects like this. Proceed with care. Love you and be a peace, Rachael.