What Has Your Crossdressing/ Transgender Life Cost You?

[IleneD]

Please, regret if this is covered ground in another thread. It should be

Reading through a couple posts I'm reminded that the joy of dressing, the will to be a woman often comes at a cost. A recent post from a dear transgender member now at a decision crossroad especially resonated with me.

Yes. Thank God that there is the support and encouragement from my fellow sisters here. It should be. There too are narratives of marriages lost, personal relationships ruined or general misery piled on top of a transgender's internal gender struggles. I've heard sisters remark that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their enemy.

I had a recent "success" in coming out to a family member. It was quite risky and could have predictably ended badly in a valued personal relationship damaged. My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall. We're working on it and I don't see The Marriage coming to an end. But....I can't predict the entire future, and I never would have guess 3 years ago I'd be on my own path of discovery and re-invention.

My heart goes out every day to the sisters here who struggle with acceptance... (like, ALL of us?), or those who have suffered for being themselves. You're on my mind.
Peace.

[Tracy Irving]

Lots of closet and dresser space. Oh, and money!

It is amazing (sad) how few wedding and prom dresses can fit into an eight foot closet.

[Princess Chantal]

Nothing so sad or life altering, just what is expected from any other hobby/recreational activity - money and storage space to accommodate the interest.

[Cheryl T]

Time...so much time that I "stole" before I came out to my wife.
I would defer spending time with her and letting her go places without me so that I could have an hour or so to dress. All that time without her.
Now we spend every minute together.

[Amelie]

Good Post Ilene. The way I am cost me much. I started way back when there was no such thing as support. There was not much support for gays at those days either. I was forced out of school cause going to an all boys high school in the Bronx would have been unbearable or deadly. It was no better where I went, on the streets of Manhattan to learn who I was. I learned from all the wrong people but they did teach me to survive. Then it was one bad relationship to another, going from bad to worse. Having been put away cause I didn't want to be here anymore. The way I am cost me a lot, a life of misery. I am now living in what is called "overtime". I should have been dead years ago. Hope it's better for the younger ones today.

[2BArianwen]

This is a great post Ilene and a topic which scares me stupid. As you have said, there have been many posts on CD about the terrible consequences for those who have been brave enough to out. Unfortunately, it seems there is a severe cost no matter which path we choose - if we out/transition, then we can lose careers, friends, family, etc...; if we choose not to out/transition, then the cost is that we deny ourselves our true identity, a price that many of us have already been paying our entire life.

[ginapoodle]

Superb question. Part of dialog right now with a close friend and pastor: the cost.

For me: over 50 years of cycles of expression, denial, purging, hating my male body, seclusion, low self esteem, etc. Remarkably in all that I had friendships, an amazing career, and married and helped raise two amazing daughters. It took me 50 years and much spiritual self examination, the Unity church principles, and some key mentors (including Aunt Kelly on this forum illuminating the term "non-binary") to reach some level of peace.

Costs are high. I think if I had been raised in a culture that allowed gender expression, my life would have been very different.

Right now I am entering some new phase, yet to be determined. Basically I am waiting for the right time, the right window to open. First: death of my mother and FIL-- to finish key obligations. Then, put myself first and foremost and truly figure out who I am gender wise. I don't think I can take my wife on this journey, perhaps not my oldest daughter, certainly main friends.

Costs are high. It is a difficult journey. Wish I could talk about Spiritual aspects, and my own thoughts on that, but not happening on a forum platform.

I have often wondered what life would have been like if I was gender normal. But, I accept what is, and I have grown through the pain, and successes and struggles.

I would not wish this on anyone, however there are benefits to walking a gender blend world.

[Lygophilia]

Nothing. You're either with or against my transgender problems. It doesn't matter what one chooses.

[mandy_may]

Thankfully it hasn't cost my marriage. However, the potential losses of profession and family keep me deeply closeted. I know of only one very brave transwoman in my profession. My field is so conservative and my reputation has been long built around my male persona. Plus, my community would not be welcoming.

My desire to dress and beyond has been tempered too as my children have become teenagers, far more aware of role models. I don't want to give them a social burden to bear.

[Megan b]

It cost me a pretty good amount of time and money. Stealing moments here and there that could have been spent with family and friends but most important it cost me my marriage of 22 years to a woman that I loved. I also figure it cost me to lose some respect from my kids but I'm not 100% sure of that. I know they still love me and I love them too. The cost has been high but I am what I am, a crossdressing / transgender person.

[DIANEF]

Great post Ilene. So far, my cross dressing has cost me not much more than time and money (and not a little stress). In the not too distant future it may cost me far far more, I really hope it doesn't.

[Rogina B]

My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall.

Your wife is right in that the dynamics of the marriage changes.But that isn't often such a bad thing.A little more freedom and independence doesn't hurt. I continue to read a mixed up version of how you view "your condition" and what may "satisfy it"..Clothes are the easy part. If you have decided it is more than that,dive in..

[IleneD]

Rogina:

My "condition".
I'm in the same gender boat as many here.
A "lifer" in that I always harbored a femme side but never understood it; most often denied it.
Dabbled in underdressing and SOME drag dressing in my youth.
Lived a "normal straight life", married for 40 yrs
Came to full crossdressing about 2 yrs ago. The lights went on, so to speak.
The look, the feel, the identification with women and a will to live as a woman ...... all of it, have become entirely too important to me.
Yes, it's more than just the clothing. If given a choice right now I believe I could live comfortably full time as a woman.
I just don't know where I am yet on the transgender spectrum, though I truly believe I am squarely on it.
I'm taking baby steps. I'm taking notes. Finally I'm getting around after almost 6 decades of fighting it, to resolving my lifelong gender issues.
BUT..... I value the wonderful life I've built, my marriage and the relationships I have. Such things are not disposable. On the other hand, I can't see myself living miserably in gender hell and denial. NO MORE. I am also learning from this forum site and the experiences of my sisters.
I need to be sure, for a long long time before I commit to literally change my life.
From the bottom of my loving heart, I thank you and everyone for sharing their stories; for the love and support you girls bring.

[Stephanie47]

I call myself a plain vanilla cross dresser. No desire to live or become a women. Would I like to be en femme for an extended person of time; 24/7. Did that when my wife was visiting family for 7-10 days each time. I like my male side too. Money has never been an issue. My wife probably spends more on her hobby than I spend on women's clothing, and, that's not an insignificant amount.

I've come to the opinion everyone should embrace who they are. Unfortunately, that's a difficult hurdle to jump sometimes. Life would have been a lot simpler if I was not a man who feels the need to emulate a woman sometimes because there seems to be a bit of female DNA in my genes. The best I can do for others is to support them and combat the ignorance which abounds around transgender men and women, and, also gays and lesbians.

[Becky Blue]

Great question!! thus far Becky has only really cost me money... a cost i am so happy to bare given how much she has enhanced my life.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Reine.... excellent reply from a gg’s perspective.

[IamWren]

Kind of along Reine's comment.... This endeavor has cost me my integrity. I tell white lies and bend truths so as to hide this from my spouse. I've lied about money and where I've been or what I've been doing. Not only has dressing brought on moments of intense shame but also letting my integrity slip out of grasp at times has as well.

There have been other things that dressing has cost me... like others there has been money spent, time, some mental stability as there have been slight moments of anxiety associated with the hiding and shame if anyone found out.

[Rogina B]

Rogina: On the other hand, I can't see myself living miserably in gender hell and denial. NO MORE.

"Social transition" could be in your future...No one has died from it...

[Sarah Doepner]

Maybe I could just count it all as Investment rather than costs? Some investments pay of handsomely others become losses. The losses for me include time that could (should?) have been spent with family or colleagues improving those relationships. But when that time was spent with others in the LGBTQ+ community it often ended up finding new friends, and the time spent on my own occasionally paid off in skills and confidence. So it hasn't all been bad. There were plenty of times where I ended up feeling guilty or ashamed, and that turned into costs against that confidence and family relationships. I spent some of the trust my late wife had in me that couldn't be regained easily, but in the effort I learned a lot about how to reset my priorities, the value of communication and how incredibly lucky I was to have her.

Money? I never spent money that was needed for bills, food, or family needs on anything CD related. Maybe I've learned to rationalize a little more than is appropriate, but the costs have been minimal.

Costs without benefits is half an analysis. I think I'm still up on the game, just a little.

[IleneD]

"Social transition" could be in your future...No one has died from it...

Interesting Rogina.
What would you define as "social transition". Tell me about it.

[Pat]

I can't help but think that sometimes the cost-accounting is backwards here. If you have a friend you've been concealing your true self from for decades and then you lose that friend when you come out, was losing that friend a cost of coming out or a cost of having concealed yourself? If you know your true nature and you're concealing it to obtain a benefit that you know or suspect you'd lose if you were honest, where does that put you morally? I know that most of us get wedged into this situation because we didn't/don't know our true nature going in, and by the time we figure it out we're well into the middle of a sticky situation. But I think when we do the accounting, we have to accept that in some cases our "losses" can't be charged to coming out, but to staying in.

[Rogina B]

Interesting Rogina.
What would you define as "social transition". Tell me about it.

It is about living as you feel you need to.End of being a "secret agent". Make friends with people that "get it" and are happy that the person in front of them is living life on their own terms. You don't have to "medically transition"..It is not the end all if you are not also changing the way you live. A good move is to go to the DMV and get your licence picture retaken to reflect the "new you to the world"..If you see this as a good idea,then you are ready to change,and if not,you aren't. I see it as good test.. Turning in your "secret agent" card...

[IleneD]

First, THANK YOU. Every sister who shared their costs, fears, concerns and status of their crossdressing & transgender life, I thank you.
There is so, so much to learn from the lives and stories of fellow members. It's why I come here as a true believer. You never fail to impress me, ladies.

A few things I picked up on; some consistent themes:

1. The loss of relationships. It could be a marriage or marriages, a girlfriend or extended family members. The loss of some of these well-developed personal relationships obviously came with turmoil. The loss of established marriages remains an issue with many of my sisters. These are hard bridges to cross. Yet many of the responders who noted a significant personal relationship lost over CD/TG, also noted that the loss eventually was no great loss at all. The negativity was removed from their lives and they were able to live honestly.

I add this note when it comes to relationships; be they family, friends or work. I recently (successfully) came out to my little brother. He was cool, thank God. But before I left him he wanted me to "be careful". He reminded me that I just don't have a reputation. I have a legacy. I need to consider it all as I grow, evolve and transition more to a femme life.

Which brings me to theme #2:

2. Erosion of trust/integrity. Many sisters came out late in life, sometimes in long established marriages. Surprise!! I successfully hid something for over 40 years that was very key to my being. The reaction was not "Thank you for your courageous honesty." It was more like I had lied for 40 yrs, which is what admittedly happened. My wife for example has come to rationalize and understand my NEED to keep my femme side secret; and she's glad I did considering my profession. Yet it will forever haunt our relationship that I am not now the man she thought she always knew. She feels deceived. Other CD/TG respondents responded likewise; that their "coming out" was greeted more with suspicion. Others also noted their on-going requirement to remain in the closet with wives, family and the community. Several sisters remarked at how badly it made them feel to have to sneak around. I don't really have that problem (of sneaking about; the wife knows), but the basic fact I kept a Life Secret from her put a huge ding in our great partnership. I'm working to restore the trust.

It's good to hear that from others. It helps me to not make the same mistakes that will only aggravate the slow but progressing acceptance trend. I will know to keep my CD and other transition activities above board, and share with The Spouse.

One other comment caught my eye. Reine..... as always. I love her reasoned voice of The Significant Other; the GG. Once again she nailed it. Made me feel slightly guilty, and I guess I own it. She noted the loss of her man's masculinity. Where once she saw and perhaps adored a masculine man, she forever sees a feminized man. I mean...... that's the goal for those of us who wish to be women, isn't it?! Yet it seems so sad for our partners to lose this part of their relationship in order for us (me?) to find that true inner femme self. I don't know how to master both. No matter how I try to balance my male and femme sides and expression, it will always come at the cost of my masculinity; the masculine "man's man" she always knew.

Thank you, all. I know it must have been deeply personal for many of you to share your stories. It's why I love this forum.

[Rachael Leigh]

Cost, for me a relationship that should’ve been stronger and one where I should have let self take second fiddle as it were to cherishing
my relationship that I was given. Your right Ilean I would not wish this gender identity part of me on my worst enemy.
For me now I’ve got to find a better way and I’m going to do my best on doing it

[Aunt Kelly]

My first thought was... "A lot of money!" I it has certainly done that, but to answer seriously, I am one of the lucky ones, for whom that particular cost is one that can be borne without much guilt or self-loathing. It's not all roses, of course. As I swing back and forth on the spectrum, there's some discomfort, but looking at the experience as a whole, over time, the oscillations average out into a more-or-less easy balance, one that I can live with. I consider myself fortunate indeed that I am able to have that balance, for without it, the cost would have been profound. So many of us must either deny that feminine part of ourselves, or lose things important to us.

Thank you for one of the most thought provoking threads in weeks, Ilene!

Hugs,


Kelly