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Thread: What Has Your Crossdressing/ Transgender Life Cost You?

  1. #1
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    What Has Your Crossdressing/ Transgender Life Cost You?

    Please, regret if this is covered ground in another thread. It should be

    Reading through a couple posts I'm reminded that the joy of dressing, the will to be a woman often comes at a cost. A recent post from a dear transgender member now at a decision crossroad especially resonated with me.

    Yes. Thank God that there is the support and encouragement from my fellow sisters here. It should be. There too are narratives of marriages lost, personal relationships ruined or general misery piled on top of a transgender's internal gender struggles. I've heard sisters remark that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their enemy.

    I had a recent "success" in coming out to a family member. It was quite risky and could have predictably ended badly in a valued personal relationship damaged. My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall. We're working on it and I don't see The Marriage coming to an end. But....I can't predict the entire future, and I never would have guess 3 years ago I'd be on my own path of discovery and re-invention.

    My heart goes out every day to the sisters here who struggle with acceptance... (like, ALL of us?), or those who have suffered for being themselves. You're on my mind.
    Peace.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Lots of closet and dresser space. Oh, and money!

    It is amazing (sad) how few wedding and prom dresses can fit into an eight foot closet.

  3. #3
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Great post Ilene. So far, my cross dressing has cost me not much more than time and money (and not a little stress). In the not too distant future it may cost me far far more, I really hope it doesn't.
    Here today, gone tomorrow....

  4. #4
    BEING YOUnique is AWESOME Princess Chantal's Avatar
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    Nothing so sad or life altering, just what is expected from any other hobby/recreational activity - money and storage space to accommodate the interest.

  5. #5
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Time...so much time that I "stole" before I came out to my wife.
    I would defer spending time with her and letting her go places without me so that I could have an hour or so to dress. All that time without her.
    Now we spend every minute together.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  6. #6
    Ah-May-Lee
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    Good Post Ilene. The way I am cost me much. I started way back when there was no such thing as support. There was not much support for gays at those days either. I was forced out of school cause going to an all boys high school in the Bronx would have been unbearable or deadly. It was no better where I went, on the streets of Manhattan to learn who I was. I learned from all the wrong people but they did teach me to survive. Then it was one bad relationship to another, going from bad to worse. Having been put away cause I didn't want to be here anymore. The way I am cost me a lot, a life of misery. I am now living in what is called "overtime". I should have been dead years ago. Hope it's better for the younger ones today.
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.-S&G

  7. #7
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    This is a great post Ilene and a topic which scares me stupid. As you have said, there have been many posts on CD about the terrible consequences for those who have been brave enough to out. Unfortunately, it seems there is a severe cost no matter which path we choose - if we out/transition, then we can lose careers, friends, family, etc...; if we choose not to out/transition, then the cost is that we deny ourselves our true identity, a price that many of us have already been paying our entire life.
    HE doesn't know what SHE wants because HE doesn't know who SHE is

  8. #8
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IleneD View Post
    My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing (and will to live as a woman) has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall.
    Your wife is right in that the dynamics of the marriage changes.But that isn't often such a bad thing.A little more freedom and independence doesn't hurt. I continue to read a mixed up version of how you view "your condition" and what may "satisfy it"..Clothes are the easy part. If you have decided it is more than that,dive in..

  9. #9
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Cost, for me a relationship that should’ve been stronger and one where I should have let self take second fiddle as it were to cherishing
    my relationship that I was given. Your right Ilean I would not wish this gender identity part of me on my worst enemy.
    For me now I’ve got to find a better way and I’m going to do my best on doing it

  10. #10
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    My first thought was... "A lot of money!" I it has certainly done that, but to answer seriously, I am one of the lucky ones, for whom that particular cost is one that can be borne without much guilt or self-loathing. It's not all roses, of course. As I swing back and forth on the spectrum, there's some discomfort, but looking at the experience as a whole, over time, the oscillations average out into a more-or-less easy balance, one that I can live with. I consider myself fortunate indeed that I am able to have that balance, for without it, the cost would have been profound. So many of us must either deny that feminine part of ourselves, or lose things important to us.

    Thank you for one of the most thought provoking threads in weeks, Ilene!

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  11. #11
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    I am who I am, nothing more, nothing less. There is no cost to me or others for that. Life is truely beautiful in every way.

  12. #12
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Rachael,

    I didn't wish to use your name directly but you were one of those on my mind when I wrote this.
    I was so moved at how much you have sacrificed. I see my own path's trajectory going in your general direction. To see how much it can hurt and cost is dreadful.
    The world shouldn't be this way. The World really is the true obstacle outside of the inner fight. But The World just shouldn't care about it.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Only money. If there was someone in my life who would shun me because of my dressing then I haven’t lost anything because I don’t want those people in my life. If anything I’ve gained a filter to get rid of intolerance and homophobia.

  14. #14
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Only a bit of money. What's $50 here, $10 there, every month or so? The FUN is well worth it. Since I do not get involved in awkward social situations, and use common sense (knowing how general society looks at CDing) I have, so far, had no "expensive" (emotionally or physically) difficulties.------

  15. #15
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IleneD View Post
    My heart goes out every day to the sisters here who struggle with acceptance... (like, ALL of us?), or those who have suffered for being themselves. You're on my mind.
    Ilene, I think you know how I will answer this thread. I was never a crossdresser. I was a girl who, for the most part, hid my true self from everyone. I tried to cure myself of being transgender with love and marriage. That did not, and never will, work, twice. For me, when my spouse found out, it became a malignancy that eventually killed the relationship. When I couldn't pretend to be male any longer my only option was to transition.

    You said that you've "heard sisters remark that they wouldn't wish their transition upon their enemy." You might be referring to something I said, however, it is not my transition that I wouldn't wish on someone. I said that I wouldn't wish being trans on anyone. The logistics, mechanics, direction and success of my transition has been amazing. My being born transsexual resulted in (cost) a life time of fear, frustration, hopelessness, guilt and grief. It resulted in two divorces, the loss of a house, 1/2 my income, 1/2 my savings, all of my grandchildren, step-children, my daughter, my dog, dozens (maybe hundreds) of friends and acquaintances, a reputation. I'm sure there is much more but you get the idea.

    So, at an age when most women are enjoying the comfort and security that careers and a lifetime of saving provide, I am beginning a new life, in a new place, in a new role, with a new wardrobe, a new car, a new dog, a new church and new friends. I miss my family horribly. I wake up in the middle of almost every lonely night and cry. I'm crying now. But, on the bright side, I am, for the first time in my life, real and authentic. I have experienced a sense of freedom that I never expected. I can't find the words to describe what it's like becoming the person that I should of always been. Is it worth it? Doesn't matter, it had to be.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 02-11-2018 at 04:13 PM.

  16. #16
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    It cost me a lot. Two marriages and a lot of women and finally have found one that accepts me.
    Part Time Girl

  17. #17
    The avvy pic isn't me
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    Well written post and a good thread for me today; I've enjoyed the replies so far too.

    I could go on about my 2 failed marriages as being "costs" on the negative side of the ledger, but in the end there were other things wrong with those relationships besides my gender identity. The 2 ex-wives did mention it at the end, but they also didn't say it was all about that and the separations and divorces stayed polite and respectful; and we parted ways amicably.

    My struggles with alcoholism (nearly 2 yrs sober now) were apart of those broken relationships and a big part of that long slide into the abyss of that disease was my trying to numb my struggles with how I felt about my gender; but I won't take the easy way out and label all that as the cost of my transness.
    That just wouldn't be rigorously honest.

    But, the cost in internal heartache and all those years of shame, guilt and the anxieties are real. If only the internet had come along sooner.

    This is just my opinion and please don't take it personal anyone, but i'm a bit curious as to how some of the replies sound so positive and flippant.

    It's really easy to take our acceptance of ourselves today (I understand and accept myself too) and use it to paint the past with one broad stroke and make it disappear, but at least for me, I remember the cost fairly vividly.

    I don't necessarily regret it, but I've not been able to shut the door on it either.
    Last edited by Cassandra Lynn; 02-11-2018 at 04:24 PM.

  18. #18
    Member Diane Taylor's Avatar
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    I'm fortunate in that my crossdressing hasn't cost me anything except a lot of money at the clothing stores.

  19. #19
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    A surprisingly difficult question, I think because I get confused about the idea of "cost." Did transitioning cost me? Or did spending 60 years pretending to be something I'm not cost me? I kind of think the fake life is where all the cost was borne for me -- the unhappiness, the bad health, the flight to risk-taking behaviors to buttress up the false personality, the total rejection of the person reflected in the mirror or depicted in the photograph. Now, I've actually stopped paying costs. I mean, yeah I'm spending some money but Shakespeare says, "Who steals my purse steals trash. 'Tis something, nothing: 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands. A good reputation is the most valuable thing we have—men and women alike." And that false identity actually stole my good reputation by making me pretend to be someone I wasn't; by making me lie to my friends and loved ones. I feel like I'm recovering that reputation now. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to do so and not to have died without my own kids having ever met me. Those were the costs -- I guess that means my transition was pre-paid.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Ilene I'm still with the one that I married as my bride many many year ago but the price of purging time and again has probably cost me the price of a new bass boat, or a great elk hunting trip to Colorado or Wyoming... Lol I've spent a lot of dollars on purging and re-buying clothes n makeup.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member
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    My sex life.

  22. #22
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    I know I am absolutely in the minority here, but it has absolutely enhanced my life. I volunteer significantly and am highly valued everywhere I do so. My wife and I have never been closer as I am a 100% better person and husband. I joined a church as Kandi and love every Sunday I'm there, every activity I participate in outside of services with members of the congregation. Now I am not, and never will be on the path to transition, I am equally comfortable in male or female modes and my female persona has allowed me to become quite a good (senior) athlete. I am blessed. All that said, if I could make it all go away by taking a pill, I'd do so without thought. But I am who I am and I've finally learned to make the best of it. Please understand, this all is not without significant struggle in my life, I've just finally come out the other side.
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

    Google "Kandi's Land" and visit my blog for positive and uplifting posts!

  23. #23
    Doing my best! Susan Smith's Avatar
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    Wow - what a difficult question to answer! Honestly - I don't know what it's cost me. I prioritise opportunities to dress over many other things. I go out of my way to make time for this unusual 'hobby'. I look for every chance to be home alone long enough to be Susan for a while. I've been doing those things for forty years. I have no way of knowing how my life would be if I had no desire for feminine clothes. Does that make me unhappy. - no! Never having the chance to dress in a feminine way would make me unhappy. I suspect it costs me nothing.

  24. #24
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Like you said Ilene:

    My own wife has reminded me that my crossdressing has changed everything. Our lives, our marriage will never be the same is the quote I recall.

    The odds on my almost 40-year marriage coming to an end go up and down like the stock market last week.

    Right now, the odds are very high.

    But the worst day has already passed. She questioned me, "Why didn't you tell me before we got married? If you did, I'm not sure that I would have married you."
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  25. #25
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    Money aside, my crossdressing has certainly cost me some of my wife's trust which, once lost is hard to win back but I continue to work at it.

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