What Has Your Crossdressing/ Transgender Life Cost You?

[Robin777]

The only thing it has cost me is a lot of money. I have a very supporting wife. We go shopping together,so the cost for me is when I find something I like,she buys something also. I never hid my crossdressing from her. She knew about it before we were married.

[abby054]

My sex life.

I hear you. My sex life, a fair amount of time, and a nice chunk of change.

[Fiona123]

I fear its about to cost me my 32 yr marriage.

[Lygophilia]

Nothing. You're either with or against my transgender problems. It doesn't matter what one chooses.

[mandy_may]

Thankfully it hasn't cost my marriage. However, the potential losses of profession and family keep me deeply closeted. I know of only one very brave transwoman in my profession. My field is so conservative and my reputation has been long built around my male persona. Plus, my community would not be welcoming.

My desire to dress and beyond has been tempered too as my children have become teenagers, far more aware of role models. I don't want to give them a social burden to bear.

[Angie G]

Nothing bad
Angie

[IleneD]

First, THANK YOU. Every sister who shared their costs, fears, concerns and status of their crossdressing & transgender life, I thank you.
There is so, so much to learn from the lives and stories of fellow members. It's why I come here as a true believer. You never fail to impress me, ladies.

A few things I picked up on; some consistent themes:

1. The loss of relationships. It could be a marriage or marriages, a girlfriend or extended family members. The loss of some of these well-developed personal relationships obviously came with turmoil. The loss of established marriages remains an issue with many of my sisters. These are hard bridges to cross. Yet many of the responders who noted a significant personal relationship lost over CD/TG, also noted that the loss eventually was no great loss at all. The negativity was removed from their lives and they were able to live honestly.

I add this note when it comes to relationships; be they family, friends or work. I recently (successfully) came out to my little brother. He was cool, thank God. But before I left him he wanted me to "be careful". He reminded me that I just don't have a reputation. I have a legacy. I need to consider it all as I grow, evolve and transition more to a femme life.

Which brings me to theme #2:

2. Erosion of trust/integrity. Many sisters came out late in life, sometimes in long established marriages. Surprise!! I successfully hid something for over 40 years that was very key to my being. The reaction was not "Thank you for your courageous honesty." It was more like I had lied for 40 yrs, which is what admittedly happened. My wife for example has come to rationalize and understand my NEED to keep my femme side secret; and she's glad I did considering my profession. Yet it will forever haunt our relationship that I am not now the man she thought she always knew. She feels deceived. Other CD/TG respondents responded likewise; that their "coming out" was greeted more with suspicion. Others also noted their on-going requirement to remain in the closet with wives, family and the community. Several sisters remarked at how badly it made them feel to have to sneak around. I don't really have that problem (of sneaking about; the wife knows), but the basic fact I kept a Life Secret from her put a huge ding in our great partnership. I'm working to restore the trust.

It's good to hear that from others. It helps me to not make the same mistakes that will only aggravate the slow but progressing acceptance trend. I will know to keep my CD and other transition activities above board, and share with The Spouse.

One other comment caught my eye. Reine..... as always. I love her reasoned voice of The Significant Other; the GG. Once again she nailed it. Made me feel slightly guilty, and I guess I own it. She noted the loss of her man's masculinity. Where once she saw and perhaps adored a masculine man, she forever sees a feminized man. I mean...... that's the goal for those of us who wish to be women, isn't it?! Yet it seems so sad for our partners to lose this part of their relationship in order for us (me?) to find that true inner femme self. I don't know how to master both. No matter how I try to balance my male and femme sides and expression, it will always come at the cost of my masculinity; the masculine "man's man" she always knew.

Thank you, all. I know it must have been deeply personal for many of you to share your stories. It's why I love this forum.

[Alice_2014_B]

As a caveat to my response I understand that not everyone's situation is the same as mine; for many it has cost them family, significant others, and friendships.

I have to be strong and brave to get on stage in fem-mode in front of strangers and attempt to be funny.

But those aforementioned who have really paid seemingly have been stronger and braver than myself. It's easy, to me, to do what I do.

So, I guess all crossdressing has cost me is quite a bit of money on high heels.

In return I've been "paid" by some of my friendships, mainly a few gal-pals, being enriched.

[Rogina B]

She noted the loss of her man's masculinity. Where once she saw and perhaps adored a masculine man, she forever sees a feminized man. I mean...... that's the goal for those of us who wish to be women, isn't it?! Yet it seems so sad for our partners to lose this part of their relationship in order for us (me?) to find that true inner femme self. I don't know how to master both. No matter how I try to balance my male and femme sides and expression, it will always come at the cost of my masculinity; the masculine "man's man" she always knew..

I will respond to this from my own experience.. Accept that you have nothing "macho" to prove. All your "male fun tickets" got used up but you have a fresh roll of "girl tickets" and you intend to use them up ! There is a "mourning period" after the "reveal" gets completely processed that the "guy she married" isn't coming back,he died. However,there is a new and improved version in his place if she becomes willing to accept that. No one is perfect and that includes wives as well as husbands..She could change in some fashion as well and you would still love her. On another note,I see "enthusiasm" as a good and bad thing. "Gender issues" probably didn't hold any headspace before for her or your family. Now,you are cramming it in. It takes time ! I have been socially transitioning for over 12 years. Honestly,it has only been the last 5 or so that my wife has been fully onboard with my needs to live it every day. My now 16 yr old daughter has been everywhere with me since she was 5 and tells me that she enjoys having a transgender father.She was steady in her acceptance of the feminine me from day one and so I never had any doubts that I was doing the right thing for myself. I suggest you not overthink things..

[Pat]

Ilene - I think all of us who proceed on to our "authentic selves" late in life have to carry the burden of having lied to the people around us. We can rationalize it many ways, but it's history, unchangeable, and just something we have to come to terms with. In a way we cheated the people we know out of the opportunity to know us -- we let them get attached to a character we were playing. Remember poor Leonard Nimoy who basically could never escape the well-beloved Spock character.

I played my character for 60 seasons before I cancelled the series -- some people liked that character a lot and they aren't thrilled to find out that he didn't really exist. Others look for what is common between the character and the actor. And it turns out there's a lot. All the thinking, all the caring, the skills and experience -- those are all part of Who I Am and do not change. The parts I left behind were the false bits that I layered on to keep people from knowing who I was. I don't know anyone who really wishes I was still sarcastic, short-tempered or aloof. Nobody says, "Gee I really wish you'd go back to dismissing me." For the most part they just want to see me in the old costume and then mostly because then it means they don't have to think. Part of your process has to be to help your wife to understand that you're still there. And show her why you're better now, not worse.

My girlfriend who has ridden this out with me told me that the difference between me before and me now is that now she sees joy when I smile. "You used to smile a lot," she said, "but you always seemed sad. Now there's happiness inside you and it shows." I can't predict your future, but I think if your wife gives herself the chance she'll find she likes the person you become even more than the person you were. At least as long as you like that person as well and let it show.

Good luck.

[Jemima]

Crossdressing has cost me some friendship. Not close friends though. But, anyway, still, it has been sort of upsetting to realise that some people don't contact me anymore (of course, one can say that there just might be another reason; but, I am 99 percent sure about the reason; lol) due to the crossdressing. Have I confronted those people and said something like 'Hey, what's happening ? Am I correct to guess that my crossdressing has caused you not to want to see me again ?' NO. That is just not my style to do something like that.

I am in my late forties, and I started 'outdoors-crossdressing' only about 7-8 years ago (and I have gradually increased my level of CD'ing).

Actually, my CD'ing outdoors is sort of 'partial CD'ing'. For example, I never wear a dress, skirt or full make-up, but, I guess even my wearing short shorts and some accessories like anklets and toerings has put some people in my life off from seeing me. Oh, well.

Anyway, it has been quite a long time that I stopped getting TOO upset about it.

Other than this, obviously, it has cost me some money; lol. But, I guess I have never been a big spender (I don't go for expensive brands, for example), so I have no regrets.

[Stephanie Kimberlie]

Money for clothing. But I feel it is worth every dollar that I spend. As far as relationships/friendships, nothing, as I dress in private.

[Vintage4sarah]

Let's start with the obvious and that would be finances. Especially in the last ten years, I have reconciled this issue by selling off some of my collection of historical militaria to keep the family budget in check. I worked this out with my wife and it works for us.

Of greater importance is the trust factor between my wife and my life as Sarah. She discovered Sarah by accident 18 years ago and her interpretation of my lack of truth earlier and some subsequent lies on my part have impacted our relationship. It has taken this long to repair the damage, but we did it even though I know that that some doubts will always be there. This is the greatest blow to me personally.

The last issue is something that many of us experience and that is the turmoil of all those years since our teen years where we were in person conflict with who we are and the life others expected us to live.