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Thread: Do you ask permission?

  1. #1
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Apr 2006
    The Poconos PA

    Do you ask permission?

    I'm not on the Forum as much as I used to be but when I do occasionally come back, I notice that even some who have been CDing for years still tend to ask for "permission" to be themselves from either their SO or society in general. Kind of curious. I've been doing this most of my life in secret, finally coming "out" around 2001. Do you still feel you need to ask for the "permission" of others to be yourself? Just curious.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  2. #2
    Senior Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Southern California
    I almost always run anything new by the spouse. No, she’s not “dominating” the relationship, or have me on a short leash. She’s not an Anti-dressing ogre like some of the girls like to portray SOs who get asked permission. I do it because I love and respect my spouse, and care about her feelings and I want to minimize any discomfort she feels. That said, she has never said no. It’s more of just a courtesy “heads up”. And yes, I would expect the same from her if she were doing anything radical or that might make me uncomfortable.

  3. #3
    Member Diane Taylor's Avatar
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    Feb 2017
    No one should need permission to be themselves, whether it's with an SO or society in general. Maybe it's just me, but I have never asked and never will ask anyone's permission to be myself.

  4. #4
    Señora Member Robertacd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Bellingham, Wa
    It really depends on your relationship now doesn't it? You know what? There is more than one right answer when it comes to life. Some SO's will never fully accept and understand. You can come out as often as you want, but that doesn't mean everyone must or will accept you or your decision.
    Last edited by Robertacd; 02-13-2018 at 11:28 AM.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    Kate, although a bit closeted over the years, I have learned two things, don't ask your wife's opinion on how you look and don't go cap in hand and ask permission.

    On the second one just work out whether it seems a good time and appropriate to dress.

    As for asking an opinion, just wait for the comments and suggestions, they will come without prompting.

    Hey! Nice to see you again.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  6. #6
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    I've often seen posts about asking permission to "be yourself" or similar topics. It's the "be yourself" part that's confusing. I would think that for most of us, our "self" is far more than just crossdressing.

    Should you have to ask your wife if you can crossdress? Ideally no, but most of our lives and relationships are not ideal. Our wives may be horrified to see us prancing around in a tutu and six inch heels. Or just the thought of us pretending to be females. Or they may worry that the children will see their daddy in a dress. Our wives may worry about friends, family or neighbors finding out about our dressing and the social or career consequences.

    Society in general does not accept men pretending that they are women as normal. Again, this can affect our careers.

    We, as individuals, have to evaluate how our dressing will affect our lives and future. Some of us may be single and not tied down to a career while others may be married, have a family and a career that needs to be protected.

    In the end, it is us who give ourselves permission (or don't give ourselves permission) to do everything we do including crossdressing. It is us, and in some cases our families, who deal with the consequences of our actions.

    Most of us don't give ourselves permission to steal or otherwise break the law and most of us don't give ourselves permission to cheat on our wives. Don't feel intimidated if you don't give yourself permission to come out to the world as a crossdresser. You need to do what's best for yourself and your loved ones.

  7. #7
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    North Carolina
    It depends on the individual's circumstances! As I stated in another thread, my boss has seen my earrings and polished nails and has said nothing! My children are both accepting and I have a following of grocery checkout girls who want to see my fingernails when I get them done! YMMV Hugs Lana Mae Oh, did I mention this is in NC!
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  8. #8
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
    Well said Krisi and I agree totally with what Micki has posted.
    I don't need permission to dress but to so at my speed and my time. I do dress some out of respect for my family and friends of the family when and where no one can be the wiser. We all have problem of the term be yourself. That varies with every individual on here. We can only be called by the name Crossdressers but even that carries many different degrees of depth.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member jenna116's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    lower right part of US
    As a courtesy to my wife I always mention to her that I'm going to do Jennifer for a while.

    As a courtesy to Jennifer, my wife never says no.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  10. #10
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    Permission? Over the years on this forum I have seen a wide range of comments addressing "dressing." On one extreme there have been many comments basically saying to shove a person's cross dressing right in the face of a not so accepting wife. On the other extreme is the "hen-pecked" wife who dictates and thoroughly controls her husband. What's a guy suppose to do? Forget the men who are hiding their wardrobes and their wives have no clue as to his cross dressing. If there is suppose to be some sort of marital harmony that also includes consideration for the wife. If she does not want to see her husband dolled up for whatever reason, but, also recognizes her husband has a genuine need to be fulfilled, then there has to been an arrangement. Sometimes it is verbal communication. "Honey, I'm going over to the next town to visit. I'll be back in eight hours. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home." That is a hint for her husband to do his thing. Or, it can be more open as you indicate. "Please, honey, why don't you go visit your friend for eight hours, so I can dress." Sometimes a wife will establish a routine to accommodate her husband's need without expressly addressing the issue.

    When it comes to asking permission from society you really do not need its permission. You can do anything you want. Maybe not so much in some states as in mine (Washington). Our laws are a lot more favorable to cross dressers, transgender men and women, gays and lesbians. You just have to be willing to bear the consequences of your actions. "Birds of a feather, flock together" may be appropriate. Establish a group of friends or like minded individuals and places to congregate where the atmosphere welcoming. Society seems to structure social arrangements all the time.

  11. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    not 'permission' so much as courtesy and respect for the SO's feelings

  12. #12
    Female impostornator! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    Nice to see u back, Kate!

    My 2 cents:

    Your post brings up the often discussed topic of DADT. Which to most here means: lie, hide, and cheat!

    While I feel it should mean: Discuss your dressing with your SO and strike a compromise!

    My live in, adult daughter does not want anything to do with Sherry. So, I tell her when I will dress and where in the house and/or yard I will be. She is either away or avoids the area(s) I'll be in, dressed. This has worked well for us both!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  13. #13
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    I almost always run anything new by the spouse. No, she’s not “dominating” the relationship, or have me on a short leash. She’s not an Anti-dressing ogre like some of the girls like to portray SOs who get asked permission. I do it because I love and respect my spouse, and care about her feelings and I want to minimize any discomfort she feels. That said, she has never said no. It’s more of just a courtesy “heads up”. And yes, I would expect the same from her if she were doing anything radical or that might make me uncomfortable.
    Yep, pretty well put. If I strictly asked for permission, it might be no, but I do try to respect that discomfort. I have also told her there is an open invitation at any time to join me. But not to feel forced.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Mar 2015
    Central Texas
    Good to see you Kate. Idon't need to ask permission although sometimes I discus it with her. If I don't dress, she has asked me why not.
    Part Time Girl

  15. #15
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    May 2014
    Boston Area
    Permission is sneaky stuff. In a society that values conformance, it's pretty natural to seek permission for any behavior, let alone one for which you think permission might plausibly be withheld. Drivers licenses, university degrees, library cards are all forms of societal permission that we seek and if you fail to get permission you may get into trouble. When I started my "legal transition" (the term for changing the gender marker on your official documents) I readily told my therapist it was a permission-seeking behavior on my part. I was looking for the state to basically give me permission to present feminine. Did I need that? Intellectually, no, I didn't. Emotionally I feel better knowing that if I get challenged, I have permission to be who I know myself to be. Weird stuff, being human.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  16. #16
    Gold Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Dec 2013
    Hi Kate,
    The need to dress and permission to do so still creates a problem , even though I'm about to separate from my wife she is still trying to lay down boundaries and rules. I told her to stop and listen to herself, she was basically dictated how I should live my life by her rules , totally oblivious to me as a separate human being and not a possession acquired through marriage .

    I still read too many threads and comments and see evidence of this, we are individuals with needs separate from our partners as much as they are with us but do they need to seek permission for many of their actions ? On the whole NO !

    The way you word your reply almost suggests we are committing a criminal act , again I have to pick you up on the comment of pretending to be women, please remember it goes deeper for many of us even if it doesn't for you. I hope to be going out as a TG that may or may not pass as a woman , I don't need permission for that but acceptance and respect . It's not to shock people or upset them but me trying to be ME !
    Last edited by Teresa; 02-13-2018 at 03:02 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  17. #17
    Silver Member stephNE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Hi Kate! Good to see you again!
    Like you I am out there. Every day is sort of different for me.
    Some days I dress and go out, other days I ask my wife if she would like to go with me, which many days she does.

  18. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    The South
    Teresa raises an interesting issue. We do have partners and we do have relationships but do we have to subsume an important part of ourselves in order for the relationship to survive.
    In Teresa's case, there seemed to be no ground for compromise, so the relationship had to move to a different and looser level. It is clear from all of the posts and comments from Teresa that she needs to fully express her TG self in order to be happy. I think her decision was good and completely justified.

  19. #19
    Nikki Windsor nikkiwindsor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    For me, I do ask permission from my wife when I desire to dress up...and I asked her permission to shave my legs. My feminine spirit lives inside me regardless of my physical appearance. But, I'm most happy and content when expressing my feminine side.
    Wearing my fuschia bodycon dress:
    For the first time, outdoors during the day:

  20. #20
    Doing my best! Susan Smith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    No - but I like to get agreement

  21. #21
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Jan 2012
    East coast
    Hi, Kate, nice to see you again. Permission? No. Just dressing without warning? Sort of, but I generally have a feel for what is going on and try to avoid times that are inconvenient for both of us. Giving myself permission? Ah, that is a bit of a conundrum because, perhaps, of my age and existing so long in a closet so deep it had its own dimension in space and time, I am still hesitant to dress all the way. Yet, in the workshop, where I spend most days, I am dressed in panties and bra and work clothes but without makeup and wig...just too much sawdust. And my wife does not complain at all. No, I do not go out dressed and that is another whole thread, but my wife is not the main part of why I don’t.

  22. #22
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    When I was in the closet, obviously I didn't need permission, just the time need for a session to dress After coming out in 12-13 I have never asked permission to dress, I am never had to or ever felt the need too. My SO has no problems with my dressing at all.
    Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    After coming out and telling to SO, I would just let her know I was going to get dressed or put on evening night gown.

    Now , being alone gives me freedom to indulge when I please. Dressing alone is less enjoyable, but delightful .

    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.


  24. #24
    Seamstress of Skirts Asew's Avatar
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    Jan 2018
    Rochester, NY
    My wife has known for 2 weeks now and I haven't asked permission but I am limiting when I dress to a couple nights a week so it isn't overwhelming (even though she seems super supportive). Since we have a friend living with us, anytime him and our kids are both gone I am always putting on a skirt since there is only a couple hours a week at most when this happens (just a skirt and heels since it usually while I am working from home).

  25. #25
    Member sami1952's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    I only ask when I want to go out for the weekend by my self
    janielatb: I'm in love with the person inside me.

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