I'm not on the Forum as much as I used to be but when I do occasionally come back, I notice that even some who have been CDing for years still tend to ask for "permission" to be themselves from either their SO or society in general. Kind of curious. I've been doing this most of my life in secret, finally coming "out" around 2001. Do you still feel you need to ask for the "permission" of others to be yourself? Just curious.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
I almost always run anything new by the spouse. No, she’s not “dominating” the relationship, or have me on a short leash. She’s not an Anti-dressing ogre like some of the girls like to portray SOs who get asked permission. I do it because I love and respect my spouse, and care about her feelings and I want to minimize any discomfort she feels. That said, she has never said no. It’s more of just a courtesy “heads up”. And yes, I would expect the same from her if she were doing anything radical or that might make me uncomfortable.
Yep, pretty well put. If I strictly asked for permission, it might be no, but I do try to respect that discomfort. I have also told her there is an open invitation at any time to join me. But not to feel forced.Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
Micki’s post is totally spot on in terms of our relationship. It truly is not permission but rather open communication and common courtesy.
No one should need permission to be themselves, whether it's with an SO or society in general. Maybe it's just me, but I have never asked and never will ask anyone's permission to be myself.
have never had to ask, but I have informed her when I will be heading out dressed just for the heads up.
Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".
I used to ask for permission, but not so much any more. Asking for permission was more likely to turn into an argument. If I still decided to go out, I would often feel guilty about it, and not have as much fun.
Now, I mostly ask for "forgiveness". By that I mean that I tell her I'm going out, rather than asking if I may go out. She always wants to know when I expect to be back. I'd like to say, "After midnight", but I usually give her a specific time. It's almost as bad as asking for permission. It shouldn't really matter how long I'm out; she's in bed by 9 PM anyhow.
What really got me frustrated is that my adult daughter (who lives in the basement) does not have a curfew. Why should I have one. Although, we even ask our daughter to text us if she's not coming home. No other questions asked.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
It really depends on your relationship now doesn't it? You know what? There is more than one right answer when it comes to life. Some SO's will never fully accept and understand. You can come out as often as you want, but that doesn't mean everyone must or will accept you or your decision.
Last edited by Robertacd; 02-13-2018 at 11:28 AM.
Kate, although a bit closeted over the years, I have learned two things, don't ask your wife's opinion on how you look and don't go cap in hand and ask permission.
On the second one just work out whether it seems a good time and appropriate to dress.
As for asking an opinion, just wait for the comments and suggestions, they will come without prompting.
Hey! Nice to see you again.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I've often seen posts about asking permission to "be yourself" or similar topics. It's the "be yourself" part that's confusing. I would think that for most of us, our "self" is far more than just crossdressing.
Should you have to ask your wife if you can crossdress? Ideally no, but most of our lives and relationships are not ideal. Our wives may be horrified to see us prancing around in a tutu and six inch heels. Or just the thought of us pretending to be females. Or they may worry that the children will see their daddy in a dress. Our wives may worry about friends, family or neighbors finding out about our dressing and the social or career consequences.
Society in general does not accept men pretending that they are women as normal. Again, this can affect our careers.
We, as individuals, have to evaluate how our dressing will affect our lives and future. Some of us may be single and not tied down to a career while others may be married, have a family and a career that needs to be protected.
In the end, it is us who give ourselves permission (or don't give ourselves permission) to do everything we do including crossdressing. It is us, and in some cases our families, who deal with the consequences of our actions.
Most of us don't give ourselves permission to steal or otherwise break the law and most of us don't give ourselves permission to cheat on our wives. Don't feel intimidated if you don't give yourself permission to come out to the world as a crossdresser. You need to do what's best for yourself and your loved ones.
Krisi
You have said a lot in your post. It is all about personal circumstances...isn't it?
As several have already said it's not so much about asking permission but having open communication with my wife. No different than when she tells me she is going to be out all day doing her silversmithing. Which coincidentally is usually a good Danielle opportunity
I dress androgynous so most of the time I'm just wearing my everyday clothing. I've mentioned before the 'rule of three'....for every three items of clothing I wear one must be drab, or should be drab.... I usually wear men's or women's fishing shirts with women's jeans or shorts, so no I don't ask permission.
Sometimes, in the evening, if my wife is in the mood, she will ask me if I want to get into 'something pretty' ... I have a closet full of pajamas, gowns and robes, mostly by Vanity Fair and Shadowline...I will put one of those on.
When things are tense between us, and not related to clothing, I don't wear anything pretty ...just don't feel like it, like I'm punishing myself.
so, in a sense, I don't ask permission, she gives me permission...
At home my wife is generally ok with me dressing as i want.
The only time that i specifically ask her what she thinks is when i want to try-out something completely new. It's important that i know if she feels ok with what i want to try and i welcome her constructive criticism.
So far we have managed to find a happy balance like this. Long may it continue....
"The only way is onward. There is no turning back."
It depends on the individual's circumstances! As I stated in another thread, my boss has seen my earrings and polished nails and has said nothing! My children are both accepting and I have a following of grocery checkout girls who want to see my fingernails when I get them done! YMMV Hugs Lana Mae Oh, did I mention this is in NC!
Life is worth living!
"Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix
Well said Krisi and I agree totally with what Micki has posted.
I don't need permission to dress but to so at my speed and my time. I do dress some out of respect for my family and friends of the family when and where no one can be the wiser. We all have problem of the term be yourself. That varies with every individual on here. We can only be called by the name Crossdressers but even that carries many different degrees of depth.
As a courtesy to my wife I always mention to her that I'm going to do Jennifer for a while.
As a courtesy to Jennifer, my wife never says no.
Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.
Permission? Over the years on this forum I have seen a wide range of comments addressing "dressing." On one extreme there have been many comments basically saying to shove a person's cross dressing right in the face of a not so accepting wife. On the other extreme is the "hen-pecked" wife who dictates and thoroughly controls her husband. What's a guy suppose to do? Forget the men who are hiding their wardrobes and their wives have no clue as to his cross dressing. If there is suppose to be some sort of marital harmony that also includes consideration for the wife. If she does not want to see her husband dolled up for whatever reason, but, also recognizes her husband has a genuine need to be fulfilled, then there has to been an arrangement. Sometimes it is verbal communication. "Honey, I'm going over to the next town to visit. I'll be back in eight hours. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home." That is a hint for her husband to do his thing. Or, it can be more open as you indicate. "Please, honey, why don't you go visit your friend for eight hours, so I can dress." Sometimes a wife will establish a routine to accommodate her husband's need without expressly addressing the issue.
When it comes to asking permission from society you really do not need its permission. You can do anything you want. Maybe not so much in some states as in mine (Washington). Our laws are a lot more favorable to cross dressers, transgender men and women, gays and lesbians. You just have to be willing to bear the consequences of your actions. "Birds of a feather, flock together" may be appropriate. Establish a group of friends or like minded individuals and places to congregate where the atmosphere welcoming. Society seems to structure social arrangements all the time.
not 'permission' so much as courtesy and respect for the SO's feelings
Nice to see u back, Kate!
My 2 cents:
Your post brings up the often discussed topic of DADT. Which to most here means: lie, hide, and cheat!
While I feel it should mean: Discuss your dressing with your SO and strike a compromise!
My live in, adult daughter does not want anything to do with Sherry. So, I tell her when I will dress and where in the house and/or yard I will be. She is either away or avoids the area(s) I'll be in, dressed. This has worked well for us both!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
No I do not ask for permission. We talk a lot about things but not about my dressing
oh she knows about what I do but that is why I am in a dadt better just alone.
I now have 5 days of being able to dress If I need to go out now it will be during the day time or when she is away.
and to me that is ok
If you can't laugh and have fun you might as well go home.
I always ask as to when is a good time for me to dress. Not sure if I see it as permission or just good communication between my wife and I.
Ask permission? You're kidding, right!I would never have the effrontery to ask anything of The Goddess. She would stomp my fingers as I groveled on the ground before Her and deservedly so. My role is anticipate and fulfill Her desires before She expresses them and to ask nothing for myself. If She has to express a desire, I have already failed. But other than that, I do as I please. I'm not a doormat, Ya'know!
I used to feel guilty and cancel plans to go out if I hadn't told my wife and them I finally figured out that I just had to tell her I was invited to join some friends out and I ask her if she would like to join us. The answer has always been a firm no but for me to be safe. That takes the guilt off my back...
Genny B
Dani (Genny before Transition)
All Girl!
Good to see you Kate. Idon't need to ask permission although sometimes I discus it with her. If I don't dress, she has asked me why not.
Part Time Girl
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