Wife of CD looking for opinions i guess

[tammy1]

i was in a similar situation with my wife of 30+ years. After retirement i found more time for and enjoyment of dressing. i am not gay. i don't want to have sex with a man. i love my wife and enjoy her companionship( most of the time - your married, so you know how it goes). recently i told my wife that i wanted to spend more time exploring the CD feminin side of me and wanted to dress more. throughout our time sharing our feelings we have evolved from nearly DADT to a much more open and flowing exchange of thought and dress. My wife had and still has many questions. At first, we were both a little more tight lipped about sharing feelings on my dress. i feared rejection; she feared rejection. And yes, i was asked "Are you Gay? Want to be Gay? Want to be with a man"? NO, No, No. Your husband might have similar worrries and concerns, as you oviously seem to. But you are ahead of the game. You are reaching out and trying to communicate and understand. I have to agree with Pat, some great thoughst there. Wishing you both the best and hoping you both find some answers here as we all share...

tammy

[Alisonforme]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

I have to agree that you're pretty amazing Clarity! It's curious to me that he won't talk...I have to hold myself back from blabbing like a schoolgirl whenever my wife is open to talking about it (which I'm happy to say is more, lately). You know you're man best, so is getting him to open up about other things hard? Do you have ways to pry him open, so to speak?

Otherwise, you could suggest counseling. Even a bad counselor can at least open up a conversation for the two of you. You could also maybe talk about his clothes, see if he wants to go shopping, what kind of makeup does he like and why.

Also, just because he CD's and likes certain things doesn't mean he's gay.

Good luck. He doesn't know how green his grass is!

Alison

[Rachael Leigh]

Seeking, yes he does need to be totally honest with you, he told you about this he should not shut you out now.
Defiantly tell him your feelings be as open and honest with him. Gender issues when your married can’t be a one way street
Boundaries must be set by both of you.
Hope this helps

[Seekingclarity]

After all your responses I've gotten, I think I am just over thinking things. Thank you all. I appreciate it

[mykell]

hi,
this is where you will find your peers : https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...f#faq_gg_forum

the three Cs.....communication, comfort, control,

you both have to continually communicate your needs,
you need to respect each others comfort zones,
you need to keep things under control....we as dressers sometimes wander into "the pink fog" after finding acceptance and may tend to get a little overly excited and over do things....

from time to time you may have to re-evaluate things, needs may change, wants may grow so keep that in mind also.

while hear keep in mind what is true of or for some is not what is true or for all. we as varied as a box of chocolate.

and lastly welcome to our little corner of the web.

its a comfortable place for us to learn and share about ourselves....

[HollyGreene]

He might just be feeling confused.
I fantasise about making love to my wife while dressed, but I'm sure if it happened, the next time I would somehow feel very self-conscious about it, or embarrassed, or think that she was agreeing to it but hating it, or that she was doing it for some other ulterior motive.
I've been a CD for many more years that we've been together and (apart from one previous girlfriend) it's always been a very private thing for me, so suddenly being able to dress as a woman with somebody who doesn't really understand it would be really weird for me. Maybe it's the same for him.

I can't pretend to give you any advice or a solution, I just know how I think I might feel if the same situation arose, so all I can do is try to express that so you might understand some of the things that could be going through his mind.
I've been a CD for a very long time and like so many on here, I am not effeminate, I am not gay, there is really no chance of me turning that way, and I have no desire to transition. It's very likely that he's the same.

[ShyLibrarian]

Your post is intelligent, articulate and sensitive. However, I have difficulty knowing why he would be so enthusiastic the first time around and then suddenly be emotionally absent the second time. As others here have said and will say, he is very lucky to have you. Many married CDs have to hide their CD actions and feelings and suffer emotions of shame and humiliation. Clearly that's not the case here. As others have said, most CDs are heterosexual. However, if (unfortunately, from your perspective), he is interested in some form of relationship with a man, momentary or otherwise, that might be evidence of bisexuality or bi curiosity, since clearly he has had a long intimate relationship with you.

i certainly wish I had something wise to say but there are likely others on this board who can conjure the apposite advice. Good luck and thanks for posting.

Carole

[Joyce Swindell]

Questions to ask doesn't have to be strictly about his female side. It's ok to ask about his male side as well. Ok...you like being a girl...do you like being a man? What do you like about either? What don't you like about either? These answers can provide some balance for you both.

I also feel that I would want my wife to be direct with the "gay action" questions like: Do you see yourself or think you might want to experience male interaction while dressed?

These are fair questions. But you must also be aware ...don't ask questions you don't want answers to.

[tbryant2k16]

You could also look at it as him bucking gender and social norms. It's really just society that's saying what you can and can't wear. There are many things that society once dictated what women couldn't wear that are now acceptable. Society of the time that said women can't wear pants. There were many types of clothing that were perfectly normal for men to wear like skirts, leggings, high heels for example. Horse back riding during war ended men wearing skirts. And the industrial revolution where men dominated mandated long pants for safety.

So today we assign arbitrary gender labels to clothing. This is the way I look at it now. Wear clothing that your comfortable with no matter the gender label assigned to it..

Society also likes to say what a real man or a real woman is based on social stereotypes.

[Aunt Kelly]

Any tips on how to get him to open up a bit? When I ask questions like what does he want from me or what for himself he just says Idk. What would be good questions to ask?

In a word, counseling. No. You (neither one of you) are not broken or otherwise in need of fixing, but professional help will help you both unwind the complicated mix of emotional conflict that is virtually a given in every relationship like yours. You seem like a devoted and loving partner, so it's a good bet that you could work it out on your own, but my advice is to call in a pro. You'll get there much faster and with less pain along the way. Neither of you knows what this all means at this point. That's normal. So go find out, together. And enjoy the trip.

Hugs,


Kelly

[JulesLynne]

Here’s an idea that helped me express myself to my wife when I recently came out. I learned of this from my son’s counselor a few years ago in which the counselor suggested that my son and wife have a “mom only” book in which they can write notes/questions/etc. to each other in order to open up communication. Over the years, that notebook has turned into nightly “mom time” in which my son now feels comfortable telling my wife just about anything.

Along those lines and specific to crossdressing and communicating with my wife, I made both of us new gmail accounts that we could use specifically for this subject. I spent several weeks writing down my own journal in which I tried to give her an answer of “why” I do this. As I researched things online, I slowly gained more clarity and refined my thoughts. Eventually I was able to sit down with her and have a face to face discussion of all those topics, and that discussion really solidified our relationship and her support for me. We still have the gmail accounts and I send her occasional emails, but she typically responds personally.

Perhaps a journal or email account could serve as a mechanism to help you and your husband break the ice and start talking more openly? But first, take some time by yourself to try and clarify your concerns: are you concerned that he’s gay, are you worried that he’s not willing to emotionally open up with you, etc.

[Drew GB]

Let me just echo everyone else in saying how fantastic you are. My wife is very supportive as well but I still can’t even get her on here which makes me that much more envious of your man.

To start off with his not wanting you to be involved so much I think that is just him wanting to see if he can do it on his own. Yes we grow up really fast. Perhaps just reassure him that you know he can do it and let him do it and be supportive but if you find him ever getting frustrated then take that opportunity to get involved. Also let him know how much you really enjoy making him up and perhaps he will let you back into that part of the process.

From my personal experience of just coming to grips with my CD’ing and sexual desires I can tell you I still don’t know exactly what I want and even though I did talk with my wife it was a very hard subject to approach and liquid encouragement was most certainly involved. At first I thought I was at least Bi and would (with her permission and or involvement) like to try sex with a man. However after going out enfeem and being a girl amongst the guys I feel more and more like a lesbian in a mans body. I do still enjoy the idea of being the girl during our intimate time but I cannot imagine being with a man only a woman pleasing me as a man would.

This may be where your man/girl is and has yet to really figure it out. Until he/she has some more time and more experience with what truly works for him/her he/she truly has no idea. Yet...

Funny thought. If you want to talk with him about all this then have some fun with it. First ask him if he wants to have a girls night where you get dressed and play with make up gossip and drink wine. Note the wine very important here. Later on you two could even play a game of truth or dare where you can (after you and he are sufficiently relaxed) ask some of your more pressing questions. Be sure you can open up to him as well. I find the communication works best when it is give then take. Let him know you want to know without reprocussions but also let him know where your line is. And if their is an issue of him wanting more than you are willing to deal with try to find some sort of compromise. Don’t just slam the door on him. Having said that make it clear if he does cheat on you, you will make his dreams a realty and make him a woman permanently.

[faltenrock]

I remember how it felt for me, when I dressed up and came to my wife in the bedroom. I felt very nervous and was extremely afraid of her reaction, not even having had make-up of a wig back then. I was afraid she could leave me for that reason or not be attracted to me anymore, that was a major concern for some time.

As new it is for you, consider that it is new for your husband too, give him some time to find the needed trust.

Regarding your thoughts about him being gay or attracted to men while dressed. Don't be afraid.
I'm not gay and love my wife and only women.
However, I enjoy when men come to me and tell me nice things, but that's all for me. It's more about acceptance than liking men.
This happens every time I'm out, some guy would approach me for obvious reasons, I just respond how women would do, be kind and say good bye at some point.

[Isabella Ross]

OP...the fact that you didn't run for the hills suggests you are an intelligent, sensitive, open-minded woman. As so many others on this thread have already suggested (I'm thinking in particular of Traci and Sherri), this is a complicated issue. First, your guy/girl is not gay. But bi, perhaps. This will muddy the waters, but I really like this post by Dr. Richard (Alice) Novic, a transgendered counsellor and author of the book, "Alice In Genderland". If you'd prefer not to read the entirety of what I've pasted below, then I'll offer this: Novic basically says, yes, we are largely interested in women, but we're not exactly straight either. And as always, I'd add this: what's really wrong with that? What human is truly completely 100 percent straight? Very few, I'd suggest. So...if you can accept these possibilities, and if your guy/girl does end up peeling off the layers and professing this, as I have done with my wife, but can still operate within the accepted fidelity boundaries of your relationship, what's the harm?

"Today’s first question is Am I gay? The short answer is No, you're not, but you’re not exactly straight either.

To me and to most gay men, being gay describes a specific thing. It ‘s more like saying “He’s Mexican,” rather than “He’s definitely not from around here.” As a crossdresser, you’re clearly not gay in the sense of wanting to be a man sexually with a man and all the stuff that so often comes with it, like a head-spinning appreciation for the male form, an Oscar-Wilde-like wit, and a passion for fashion and celebrities. Oh, sure you may be loving all the little nuances of ladies’ clothing, but that’s not the same thing. Just the simple fact you call yourself a crossdresser means that you’re not gay, for most people (and specifically me in part 1 of this series) define crossdresser as a primarily straight man who is profoundly satisfied to imagine himself as a woman. So, you’re fundamentally heterosexual on some level or sorely misusing the term crossdresser.

But, are you completely straight? Well, hey, to answer that question I first owe you a definition of the term straight. Completely straight, or completely heterosexual describes a man who is only interested in sex as a man with a woman. You, my dear reader, may—despite your crossdressing consider yourself such a man, only for that to change—if you’re lucky—as opportunities present themselves. What if you had the chance to make like lipstick lesbians with your wife, another beautiful woman, a breathtaking transsexual, or another nice-looking crossdresser? Or what about my favorite: getting to be a sweet, slender girl in the arms of some giant of a man?

I imagine a lot of hands going up out there—and a few liars. Or, I should more compassionately say, people trying not to think too much. After all, there are enough pills to swallow in everyday life, without having to take on the hypothetical ones. Nonetheless, people, we all know that any number of these scenarios sound pretty sizzling and they may not be man-on-man gay but certainly ain’t straight either, in the sense that non-TG men take no interest in these things. Believe me I know; I work with plenty.

The truth is that, if you’re a crossdresser or even a transsexual reading this article, you may not be gay but you’re not a wholly straight arrow either. Or look at it this way: You may not be chocolate, but you’re not pure vanilla either. You’re strawberry. You are, no doubt, a love-to-be-femme (started-out-straight, secondary, autogynophilic if you must) MTF transperson. Yes, that describes the (in my view) intersex condition we share, but it also seems to shape our sexuality, sexuality in the sense of the things that turn us on.

I admit that that’s an inconvenient truth and different from what you might hear from most folks in our community. But I’m a psychiatrist, after all, not a propagandist, no matter how righteous our cause may be. I’m who you go to when the comforting illusions have fallen flat. I am strawberry, and I’m okay with it and hope the same for you, if you suspect that deep down you’re a little fruity too."

[greeneyes]

You have came to the right place for some insight. As the wife of a CD myself I welcome you to the forum, I would agree with the others that have stated, more than likely he is not gay. if you would like you may PM me, I would be willing to discuss some of your concerns privately.

Greeneyes

[phili]

Clarity, your husband is so fortunate to be married to you- as a person who loves him and is not overly bound by the gender binary mythology.

A lot of great advice has been offered here, and, I want to add a couple of things that have been material to my journey and to compromising with my wife, who is completely non supportive, but whom I love and am committed to forever.

First- marriage is difficult in terms of keeping up with each other, and commitment demands a lot of attention and space and telling the truth- or at least, as many have said, today's truth- without assuming it will be tomorrow's truth as well. It is messy and tentative and takes a lot of high wire skill- which is where you are right now. Sometimes it is not a fair fight- logic and the appeal of love and common sense vs erupting feelings that blind us.

My argument is that everything he wants he can have with you. You can literally say that to him- that even if his world of gender is upside down, you are a couple, and you love each other, and the job is to help each other equally be all you can be, to be full and whole and trustworthy and a blessing to others. You may have to say- wait, if you think you have doubts about that, I want a chance to prove it.

He probably has a mass of conflicting and confusing impulses. He is seeking progress, resolution of long time deep feelings and desires that were mostly unconscious. He may feel that all he wants is to get out- to be free- to go be a girl and be the opposite of a man, and that you as a woman are going to stand in the way- to call on things from him as a man- even subtly, that maybe, as was said, he finds it hard to refuse, but then spoil his dive into femininity. I can tell you this is an emotional thing, not a logical thing- and you can't fight emotions, but you can accept them and think through the reality of it together and with a counselor.

After a year of letting myself explore, I was amazed at how much different I felt about a lot of things. Radical change in perspective once I was no longer fighting against restriction, or discovering all new feelings that hadn't come into perspective against every other aspect of my life, and owning my choices.

By way of example, I am bisexual, but also monogamous and committed. I had to choose, man or woman, and then the person- my wife. I found that I have a feminine sexuality, but it is completely satisfied by simple attention from my wife. Men are not better than women at being loving partners. All the romantic prince charming/hulk fantasies are just that- unrealistically narrow views of real life experiences.

You can talk about that knowledgeably, what a man looks like to a woman, as that is how one will look like to your husband once he let's himself be in that place. So you can also ask for a commitment of time- a year- to place whatever his needs are front and center, to explore everything about it, to prove one way or the other if it really is something that needs to divide you, rather than to be part of a blessing of your relationship.

Caution- you hinted at suddenly feeling like a nonentity, and there have been situations where CDs come out and suddenly the only person they want to look at is themselves in the mirror. They can become horribly selfish and demanding. To be fair, they are trying to recover a lifetime of what felt like deprivation, but that is not a license to drown cats.

This is very difficult, and the wild card is helping them get to the place where they actually see themselves in the mirror, not just their idealized fantasy. As with out of control teens, a delicate balance of generous observing and firm boundaries is in order, with shepherding back to being in control of their ship and having a realistic goal and plan. Being a wise friend, not angry parent.

[ClosetED]

Clarity - welcome to the Forum and thank you for loving your spouse to learn and understand. There are other spouses here on the GG Forum like greeneyes who faced similar situations. You may have to reach 10 posts to get in as well as be invited. You hope to learn more about his needs and desires and he may not know himself, as to what is fantasy and what is truly needed. There are fewer homosexuals among CDers than the general population. For transsexuals (those who feel they are women), they don't consider wanting a man to have sex with them as homosexual. My guess, without knowing the specific things that made you wonder, is that there is a desire to have a man appreciate your spouse's femininity, but not to have sex.
With only 2 dressing sessions in months, you don't seem enthusiastic (from the CDer's point of view) and that might be why he withdrew. To draw him out, open communication is key. But remember, he hide this away for most of his life and he is afraid you will be disgusted and leave him. Yet this can become the bond that draws both of you together so much stronger.
Another thing that may help is if he joins the Forum and uses us to help sort out his thoughts. For my wife, I wrote down physical and mental characteristics of both male me and Ellen. This helped her see my internal perspective. She tried to accept my CDing, and has seen my pictures, but it is still too much for her. And that may be your spouses fears.
Hugs, Ellen

[CONSUELO]

I forgot to mention that I saw your short post saying that perhaps you have been over thinking things.
I don't think so. Keep the conversation going with him.
By the way does he know you have posted here and has he seen the responses?

[Seekingclarity]

thank you all so much he does not know I posted on here. We did have a conversation where he felt as well we move to fast which I agree with. I think I was letting my own insecurities Cloud are experience together. Communication is definitely important and something we need to work on together. the reason for the in frequency of dressing together is our schedules don't match up and we don't see each other much and I'll leave that up to him when he shows interest. he had just bought some new clothes and a wig so he was excited to try them. From what he has told me at this point he only cares to get dressed up every once in awhile. He may do it while I'm away and that's totally okay I think with our last experience things did move too fast and cause other issues. He has stated he has no desire to experiment with a man its more of the attention thing which I understand a little better after everyone else's responses to me.

[Beverley Sims]

My feeling is don't move until he moves, let him take the lead and then follow.

You will find that he only wants to dress occasionally for now and will increase with time.

Your situation is what we advise the subject when dealing with his wife, go slow and let him take the lead.

Above all respond appropriately.

[TheHiddenMe]

First of all, I have to ask, are you an Indigo Girls fan, given your screen name? (FYI, Seeking Clarity is a line from their fabulous song, "Closer to Fine").

We can all give you answers, but all of us are different, and so what we say and what your partner really wants may differ.

My wife has known about my CD interest for over 15 years and I am still not fully comfortable discussing issues with her (she is somewhat open minded, but scared of someone finding out about my CDing and the possible negative consequences for her).

Besides, most guys aren't real good talking about their feelings, be he a CD or not.

The stats suggest most CDs are straight, but obviously a non-zero percentage are bi or gay (just as in the non-CD male population). I'm straight, but I can think that it might be fun/memorable to go out with a man on a date, to have that sensation.

Perhaps a way to get around the communication issue is text or email; it might be easier for him to open up.

As to not paying attention to you during your second session, he may have been feeling overwhelmed by the sensation. I've been wanting to dress for 50 years, so now that I have a greater opportunity, it's 50 years of suppressed desire coming out. Perhaps that happened to him, and it has very little to do with you.

Sounds like you are very supportive, which is something we all wish for in a partner.

Good luck!

[CONSUELO]

Clarity,

An earlier attempt at replying to your post was lost so I shall repeat what I said in it.
There is a narcissistic component to cross dressing. I have it and I have read the work of many psychologists who have studied cross dressing and they mention it too.
As others have mentioned in their replies to your post, your husband may still be wracked with feelings of guilt and embarrassment and that could interfere with communication.
A simple and relatively inexpensive way of trying to open up the conversation would be for you to read some of the many books on cross dressing, some written by the partners of cross dressers. An example is a book entitled "My Husband Betty". Go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble online and just type in cross dressing and you will see many titles. Just buy a few but tell your husband that it is part of your learning more about cross dressing and that when you have read the books you would like him to read them too and then discuss. As a help you could annotate the books with your thoughts as you read so he could see something of your reaction.

A goal would be to get the conversation going in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way. You could also go and find a good and experienced counsellor but you say your schedules don't match well and finding the time to do that could be difficult. Also finding a good one is not so simple.

My best wishes to you both and you have my admiration for being so open-minded and level-headed about this.

[ginapoodle]

Seeker,

My two cents worth: your husband was brave to share. Respect that honesty. Yet, he may have much residual shame, confusion and mixed desires. Remember you can only change yourself-- your own emotions are valid and authentic. If possible, be patient and also initiate honest discussion. CD married relationships are complex in my opinion, and a terrific challenge to all parties. For myself, I have been in your husbands shoes. My wife's first reaction was fairly supportive, but drifted to mixed ignoring and in the past year, despite my attempts to open dialog: frozen out of any discussion. Best of luck. Remember to be kind to yourself, and others.

[Helen_Highwater]

He might just be feeling confused.
I fantasise about making love to my wife while dressed, but I'm sure if it happened, the next time I would somehow feel very self-conscious about it, or embarrassed

Can I add my pen'uth to this thread. I'll start by saying that I've no experience of being in the same situation as you describe so I'm writing from the position your SO was in, namely being in the closet. I've thought about how I would feel if I found myself in the position of revealing my femme self to my SO. Scared rigid, confused, uncertain, worried everything was about to collapse around me are the conclusions I've come to. So Holly's post I feel is right on the money. Euphoria has been overtaken by a tidal wave of self doubt and self consciousness.

Think about it from the other side. When I go out while I'm still the same me, I present myself in a different, more feminine way. After all, that's what we're looking to emulate. Some we come into contact with will assume that because of that we're gay. Not true, their mistake. So how should your SO present herself to you? As a man in a frock? Same voice, same mannerisms or as a feminised version of the person you know. Will she be thinking if I do that you'll be thinking Gay.

Add to the mix that society while moving in the right direction still hasn't fully come to terms with gender diversity and jokes, innuendo, ridicule are still to be found in the vocabulary of a section of the community. It's almost impossible to shake off the awareness of that. Look at just how many posts there are here from those who would love to venture out into the world but fear the rope carrying mob.

So it's easier for her to withdraw to what feels like a safer distance. Take it slow, as others have said talk is your friend. Baby steps will begin to move you both into a better position and once your SO begins to feel more comfortable being "her" in your presence and in truth you both know what to expect by way of behaviors, then you should reach a new normality and you can continue to develop the relationship.

[Amy Lynn3]

I think the actions of your husband just indicates he wants you to play more of the guy role in love making, while he is dressed. Many straight guys who dress have that desire and you get the impression he wants a guy, but in reality he just wants you. Turn the roles on him and talk/say some of the things that have been said to you as a woman. Worth a try. Cders are complicated creatures, but I think we all dream about switching roles at times with our wife.