Conversation with My Wife, Progress though.

[nikki2014]

This morning my wife and I had a long awaited conversation. She knows about my dressing and a few months ago we both had a pretty negative discussion about it to the point of a huge purge had to take place as well as a you need to slow down. Well over the last few weeks I've started to see a counselor about it and trying to find out about me and as to why I feel this way. She's helped me discover a lot and those sessions I've been able to go home and talk to my wife about it with positive conversations taking place. For the most part she's taken to it ok and and has lead to be open about our discussions. At the time I still think she didn't really understand nor wanted to really accept the fact. I was also very guarded about what I shared with her due to the fact I was scared to what her reaction was going to be. I was afraid she turn and say pack your bags we're done.

This is where things turned for the better. Well I've been letting my hair grow out a bit. I'm retired military and so I've always had the short haircut. So it's been a a few months since I had my last haircut and she's been nagging me about it, "when are you going to get a haircut, you're looking a little shaggy, I don't think I've ever seen you this long." So the other day I finally decided to go get a haircut. When I was done I sent a picture of this lady with a really short pixie style haircut to her and said this was my haircut. Then I followed up with JK hairs my new haircut. Well thank to the digital headspace the texts didn't quite come in right and she flipped out. Granted my timing wasn't right and I also caught her in the middle of some work stress. Well she flipped out on me. when she finally got home late that night she asked to see my haircut in which I showed her and it was fine. We hadn't spoken for a few days, I normally give her time to process these type things before she starts talking. Well that time was this morning and afternoon. This morning she asked about it and it lead to me finally telling her what it's like to have gender dysphoria. She said I know, I've been doing some research on it as well. So she was ok with it but asked what I needed and what it was going to take. I told her my biggest obstacle was her and that I wanted to feel love with acceptance and to not be laughed at or made fun of when she knew I needed to wear girl things or clothes. The conversation ended up being very producitve and for the better. Because we then were running out of time she said we've got to go before we're both really late for work.

She met me at lunch and asked what clothing was going to make me feel comfortable in which I told her any undergarments and at times I just need to wear clothes to feel good. She said I understand what it is that you need but to what extent to do you want to wear them. She even mentioned the idea and said there are many men out there that are very "metro" in the way they dress and that perhaps that could help you as well too. If you dressed more metro and also wear undergarments maybe that would help. So what does a person that dresses metro have in conjunction with crossdressing.

I also mentioned to possibly going on hormones to also help with the way I feel and she said she wasn't saying no but wanted to see if maybe metro would help some too. She said she would allow me to take hormones but wanted to wait a bit before making that decision.

So what are ya'll's thoughts?
Nikki

[char GG]

Just my opinion, but there is a huge step between dressing Metro/underdressing and taking hormones. If your SO is ok with that, good for her. Every situation is different and it seems your SO is genuinely trying to support your needs. If I were in her shoes, I can deal with dressing but hormones, maybe not. Good job seeing a counselor and keeping communication open.

[Micki_Finn]

My initial thoughts: 1) Hormones are a HUGE step from where you are. It honestly sounds like your relationship wouldn’t survive. If she’s not ok with a pixie cut I have a hard time believing she’d be ok with you growing boobs. 2) “Metrosexuals” are just cis- men who are overly fussy about their appearance. Sure they met use loofahs and body butter which can seem pretty girly, but the goal is still a masculine appearance. I don’t think this will help you at all. Maybe she meant something more androgynous which MIGHT help curb your “urges”? 3) It sounds like you’re heading in a DADT kind of direction? How much do you want your dressing and marriage to intersect? I’ve seen girls here that DADT works fine for, and a lot of other girls that “settle” for that but would really rather have a more open situation.

[AllieSF]

Lot's of thoughts! First, I love your truthfulness and your understanding of what you needed when she asked just that. You didn't ask for clothes and time to dress, you went directly to how she feels about it all and how she feels and demonstrates that to you, your inner needs. Not many people get that so quickly. That is more than healthy for your relationship. I do understand that even though you did not immediately ask for it, dressing and presenting as a female usually is a very important part of who we are, at least for some of us serious ones.

Her selecting the word "metro" as a possible fashion style for you to be better able to express yourself on the outside, is just that, a style. It is also a way to clearly show that she is trying to be supportive. Others terms could be androgynous, blended fashion, or whatever, that has a feminine touch but does not necessarily scream women's clothing. That or similar styles may help you to include some femme in your clothing and in your daily life during this time and also gives her more time to come to better terms with the whole situation. It "may" also help you if you have that need now to present more feminine.

As for the hormones, that is a very big step. From what I have learned here over 10 plus years and from conversations from my trans friends, that step is usually discussed as on the path toward a major transition to full time as a woman, or as Pat described a few times, transitioning from limbo to a non-binary life style where one lives their life in the middle so to speak. It can also be used as a prescribed way to deal with gender dysphoria for those that need to gain control of themselves and their lives. I have not followed your story here, so I do not know if a transition either way has been discussed by you. The hormones will eventually do their work, i.e. result in physical changes, that are not reversible. One of those may greatly impact your sexual life, and that definitely needs to be made clear to your supporting wife who may or may not have read and understood that.

I truly like your openness and honesty to your wife and wish you the best as you continue down your personal life path. I also like your therapist. She sounds like a keeper.

[Beverley Sims]

Hormones can alter your mindset, they can be beneficial in smaller doses, but try all other options first.

[Becky Blue]

Thanks for sharing your story Nikki, I would suggest that perhaps following your wife's suggestion re the metro look, could be a good step, although most on here will tell you that it won't be enough for you, at least you are showing her you are genuinely trying. Communication lines are open so you can always go back after trying the metro look and saying it isn't helping you (presuming it doesn't).

[suzanne]

I'm glad you feel you're making progress with your wife on this very important life issue. In my mind, living your truth is critical to having a meaningful life, and you seem to be getting there.

But I always get heartburn with talk about one partner "allowing" the other to do something like your dressing. It's no better than "making" somebody do something. It sounds very unequal, as if one was the servant of the other.

I completely agree that your wife should have a say in what happens in your life. She is a shareholder in your life, but YOU are still the majority shareholder, and the reverse is true for her. She has a right to say she dislikes your dressing, and to negotiate conditions around it, but not to forbid you completely. Notice I said negotiate, not dictate.

[Stephanie47]

I went back to some of your previous threads. I did not see anything in your threads about being retired military. This is the first time I noticed things such as having a military cut during your active service. Now growing out your hair may be a change your wife was not use to. This is a culture in the military that is vastly different from civilian culture for both the military spouse and the husband or wife. One of your original threads had your wife totally opposed to cross dressing with the usual threat of ending the marriage.

I can see the possibility that she giving you more space and time to explore this previously unknown side of you may ultimately blow up in your face. There's a limit to how far any woman is going to go with her husband wearing women's clothing or using hormones. Letting you be who you are is also letting her see if she can accept these changes.

I do not know what your military experience was for twenty plus years. There may be issues arising from military service that you are avoiding to confront. You may subconsciously using Nikki to avoid those issues. Hiding. Trying to wipe out bad memories. I am a combat veteran of Nam, twice wounded. I do see a counselor and attend a group of vets with the same issues. I will readily admit with hindsight my Stephanie side has been a crutch to get past certain bad memories. I've looked at it from the viewpoint of what self therapy would have been better than wearing women's clothing and emulating a stay at home wife. Should I have used legal or illegal drugs? Or drink heavily? I always found those to be detrimental to my health and contrary to my inner being.

Perhaps, toying with the idea of hormone treatment is just an advance stage of avoiding a confrontation with the past. Just pondering. Maybe I'm totally off base?

[JulesLynne]

I wish you and your wife the best and it’s great news that you’ve started this conversation. Since this is in the CD forum, I first assumed that you were more of a man who occasionally likes to express his feminine side. However, since you mention that you’re interested in hormone treatment and adopting a more openly feminine appearance full time, perhaps you could also find some support and help on the TG forums here.

Have you considered getting a wig and doing a full makeover for a day or so at a time and see how you feel like that? Perhaps your wife would be more open to seeing you as a woman while still knowing that you could transform back into your male self. It might be a realistic “baby step” and help you determine whether or not this is something you’d like to do occasionally or full time.

[IleneD]

Nikki,

Bless your heart. I read your original post some days ago and wanted to share with you.
Much of your story resonates with me. I too am retired career military. That's the way I lived my life including my hidden life. I won't dwell on what I did but let's say I got all the holes punched in my man-card. I did my duty. So I understand the world from where you came.
I came out to my wife late in life and after retirement (of course!... to have done it on active duty would have been suicide.) My coming out was due to accidentally being caught. At least you have the advantage of approaching HER.
You are way ahead of the curve right now, if I clearly understand where your wife has at least made an effort to come over to understanding your side. Congratulations. Keep cultivating that trend. I believe you've profited from counseling too. It is something I need at this point too. My CD has gone way beyond just playing dress up or feeling good in the clothes.
is a radical almost frightening change for spouses (IMO). My wife always knew me as a man's man, and she wants it that way. I have a feeling your wife has expressed similar remorse about the loss of "her man; her manly man". Even with my loving wife's (of 40 yrs) acceptance and efforts to understand my gender issues, she understandably resists further movement towards transition. We're still working on things, and doing well.

You're going to have ups & downs as you and your Beloved come to grips with her man wanting to be a woman. No pejorative here. It's just the truth. It's the truth with me. Just know there's girls here who have worn your combat boots (AND your heels!), and completely understand. You have sisters in TAVA (Transgender American Veterans of America); and there's other veteran transgender groups.

You're doing good. There's more change to come. Give your wife my respect and love. We're here for you.

[nikki2014]

Thanks to all those for posting a reply. Since I started talking with the counselor, she has helped me with some homework for myself. In doing so she has helped me trace back to where all of my dressing started which was around the age of 5-ish. That being said my dressing was a cycle that continued over the years and until recently that cycle has come around more often. I used to be able to go months at a time and now it seems to be daily. The good thing is and with the counselors help she has helped me understand myself better and why I have this desire/need. I have been able to do some research on my own with some information she has given me and we've been able to talk about it. More so about gender dysphoria. I have been able to understand it more and talk to the counselor about it. At first when I told my wife I was seeing a counselor I believe she was thinking my dressing was some sort of a hobby or addiction and that by seeing the counselor I'd be able to be fixed. Well after my sessions I've been able to discuss with her what we talked about and she has been more open than normal during these talks. Thursday when she and I had our throw everything on the table talk, she asked what my biggest obstacle was in which I said it was her. I fight these urges and desires all the time and they're not going away. But I can't dress and feel better until I get her support. She was my biggest obstacle. And when I explained to her about having gender dysphoria her response was amazingly, "I've been reading on it as well so I kinda know." I was shocked. Well as we discussed it and I told her how I feel she began to understand more. She even asked how far are you willing to go with this. I said I'm not talking about surgery but hormones would definitely help. She said she could understand because her dad takes estrogen for some health issues he has and she even takes depression medication to help her and that she wold understand if I took hormones that it would help me as well.

In all it was a very productive conversation and I give her more credit now that she had done some research on her own. She's starting to understand more which helps when we do talk about these things and I don't feel as if I have to be so secretive and hidden about it all especially with her.

Nikki

[phili]

Hi Nikki,
I'm reading your posts to be saying there is a lot to be discovered yet. The proverbial 'tip of the iceberg' is that we want to cross-dress, but the actual iceberg underneath is different for everyone, big, and most likely quite complex.

I find it quite heartening that your wife sounds like she is practical and reasonable- she actually cares about you as a person and is also trying to negotiate along the way things to be more familiar to her-. Like my wife, she is seeing a picture of life in the future, and trying to make it make sense to her. She had it all simple with her military man- disciplined, predictable, etc. Now she is trying to make sense of what you are saying and find a path that keeps you together and feeling good.

She wants to be your primary person, and a counselor will be seen as a good thing as long as she doesn't feel he or she is leading you away from her.

My wife has also suggested I do a compromise look, and i have understood that for her and for most women, clothes are a styling choice meant to communicate various things, but this is secondary to a formal purpose, which is to announce that someone is a woman or a man. So she wants me to keep communicating I am a man, and then indulge colors and styles etc. It gets back to the problem of femininity being seen as belonging to women, so if I am being or looking feminine, then it means I am not a man.

She doesn't want to have to change, or to have to explain how and why she accommodated my transformation, and she literally hopes I will get fixed as well. But she believes me when I say it is internal and can't be fixed. So we have a DADT arrangement, and as it therefore doesn't trigger face to face emotions, it is working. Luckily I find that fully embracing cross-dressing in my free time- i.e. I am not pretending, I know I am a mirl. She knows I crossdress when she is not home and when I am out, But this gives me enough emotional space and deep peace, and I can accommodate her, willingly, since I love her, and marriage often requires substantial compromises not unlike this one.