Don't under estimate

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi all,

Had a frank conversation with my wife tonight about how I was projecting my feelings and it turns out (to my own admission) that it was confusing.

I've tried to be patient and do things the right way. However in doing so I have confused things further by trying to protect her feelings in how I explain myself.

It's hard but I realized that by trying to be careful on how I talk about things I'm actually making things more difficult for her to interpret moods etc.

Jeez this is a minefield but what I've learnt is what I think is the right thing can easily be seen as the wrong.

God this ain't easy, but stick with it.

A women's love is what it is. A wonder. I need to channel my feelings better

[kimdl93]

In thinking back on my failed relationship (of some 16 years), my number one failure was to seriously take my ex's feelings and needs into consideration. I made assumptions that were based on what I hoped was true, took for granted that her love would overcome her hesitations, and that she would acclimate as I raised the level of my dressing incrementally. But she wasn't a frog, she grew increasingly uncomfortable, and when it got unbearably hot, she got out of our relationship.

So, sure, express your feelings clearly as you're able to, but in my estimation, you must remain mindful of her feelings. Try to know, appreciate and respond with empathy first.

[Teresa]

Tamsin,
Before you try again maybe it might help to think about your CDing history and write it all down, perhaps it might help you to think it through and be clearer with the issues it could possibly help if you show your wife what you've written .

It's not easy we try so hard to safeguard what we have and at the same time come to terms with being a Cder and possibly being TG . Before you can fully come to terms with it the guilt and possible shame have to be dealt with which isn't easy when you are in a DADT situation with no one around you you can openly talk it through with. Counselling does work but in my case I hit a brick wall because my wife didn't want to know the outcome, it was my problem and for me to sort it , that attitude suggested I could find a cure . The final cure was to separate , she couldn't live with it and I couldn't live without it , life is all about compromises, sometimes we appear to be the ones totally submitting to everyone's demands while struggling to satisfy our own needs . I'm not telling everyone to go headlong into separations but we have parted on good terms with the support of our children , friends and family know our situation and say it was the right choice to make .

Let the dust settle , write it down along with a truthful up to date resume of where you are and where you would like to be and don't make promises you can't keep . You haven't stopped loving her she still has you but with a little extra .

[Janie Jane]

Hi Tamsin,
Please don't take this as criticism as it's not intended as such. If you've been speaking to your wife as you've written your post, there is room for confusion. I've read the post several times and while I THINK I may know what you are saying, I'm still not sure exactly what you're saying. Quite possibly some mental deafness on my part. Make sure that what you say or write is not open to misinterpretation. Be clear and don't make assumptions as to the other person's understanding. Maybe preface something you're saying with "I know you know this, but...." Frequently I've been known to go on (and on) about something to someone when they haven't grasped even the initial issue or subject I'm talking about.
My wife just came home and she looked at your post and said this is what she does. And she does. When this happens I'll go into active listening mode where I repeat back what I think she said and she corrects any misinterpretations that I have made. While you are afraid of saying things in a way that may hurt her feelings, she'd likely be much happier if you were a bit more clear in what you're saying.
I would certainly like to hear more precisely what you are working on conveying to her and us.
And yes, a woman's love is a wonder!
Jane

[docrobbysherry]

Tamsin, communication with an SO can be difficult. But, not telling the truth makes it all the more so! If u don't know what the truth about what you're doing is? Just say that!

Your problems aren't about your dressing but your communication! See a counselor if u need help. They r great at interpreting-----things!

[NjJamie]

Tamsin, there are so many difficulties in communicating that I wonder if we ever really manage to succeed, but now add the many conflicting aspects of marriage along with CD'ing and we all need help. I do notice changes in myself when dressing that I might think make me a better spouse but those same changes seem to be causing more stress as I am not what she might have been expecting.

Slow and steady is likely the best course, it may give time needed for misunderstandings to be resolved.

[Beverley Sims]

Tamsin,
Just keep talking to your wife and that way things do become less confusing as you both work it out together.

I say discus anything on the planet, and see where you both stand.

A happy marriage is based on good communication at all times.

[Lydianne]

As a pure observer, what strikes me is that communication is mentioned a lot and it's easy to say and hear, but it's only through following Tammy's progress that it illustrates to me just how long it takes.

So the initial come-out was, what?, sometime in the latter stages of last year (?). There was a backoff period for shock absorption, a holiday period hiatus for obvious reasons, and now, in mid March, and it still sounds like a delicate situation because of how Tammy feels that she still needs to choose her words carefully ( the manoeuvre room to do that and set the pace obviously afforded by coming out rather than being caught because in the latter, the SO would want answers thick, fast and targetted. Might be over quicker, but the ceiling would most likely be much lower ). I'm sure some SOs would be able to take this in full stride and be back to normal five minutes afterwards, but in other cases, it takes time. I knew this, of course, but now I'm actually seeing it.

Continued best wishes, Tammy.
- Lydianne.

[Tamsin Secret]

HI Kim,

Alot of what you say is true and I relate. I don't think my relationship is on that same path that yours unfortunately took. But I understand it could be a reality and was something I thought about long and hard before I came clean.

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Hi Teresa, I have always valued your posts and this one is no different

I wrote a letter before I told her detailing all of my past and covered a lot of questions I thought she may have. We also have a diary now she knows for us to communicate through.

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Janie, None taken! I took a lot from the conversation in the end and hope it will help me in the future.
Ultimately what I'm looking for is acceptance for what I do. I don't want to live my life as Tamsin by any stretch but want to be able to express that side of me when I feel I want to and when I deem it appropriate without having to fear I'm hurting anyone's feelings.
(This is a highly edited and shortened version of a very big scenario)

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Thanks Doc, I had thought about seeing someone when I wasn't sure about what/why I was dressing however I feel comfortable within myself about it now. If she ever wanted me to attend something like that with her I would be more than happy to.

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Hi Jamie, I know time and patience is the best way forward I'm just concerned that it might not be time that's needed. We can communicate in varied forms about it but there is definitely barriers put up to everything I try to explain. When we joke about it she seems ok but when we have serious dialogue about it it's completely different and the conversation fractured and stressed. I've tried being passive/assertive/reflective/pragmatic all in different conversations based on her reactions in the last one trying to find a happy medium for our discussions but every way I turn seems to be a dead end.

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Sound advice Beverley, I don't intend to stop talking....ever! I just hope I can unlock the secret of not upsetting her in the process.

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Thank you Lydianne it was late last year. Here's hoping I'm able to deliver a happy ending!