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Thread: Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

    Up to this point, I've chosen to not let any of my long-term friends or colleagues know about my being TG. I present as androgynous most of the time near to home and for the most part the friends have continued to perceive me as male. They certainly see changes, but I'm a bit eccentric to begin with.

    I realize that this cannot go on forever and after talking it over with Mimi we've decided to bring some of our closer friends into the know. This will allow us to better integrate them into my new life.

    Today, the opportunity presented itself to talk privately with a couple who are long term (20+year) friends. We had breakfast with them and went over to their place to socialize. I asked Mimi if she thought that this would be a good time to bring up the subject and she wasn't sure. In situations like this I always take the safe route so I decided to hold off on the decision.

    We were sitting and the conversation drifted around to our hairdresser, who happens to be the same lady for Mimi, myself, and the female half of the couple. We were each talking about our experiences with the hairdresser and our female friend said "let your hair down so I can see the highlights." I undid my ponytail and the normal compliments followed.

    She then said "I have some new Paul Mitchell hair treatment that'll cut down the frizz in your hair. Would you like to try it?" One thing led to another and she was soon working the product through my hair with her fingers. She put my hair into a braid to keep it out of the way while the treatment worked.

    At this point my phone rang with a text. It was Mimi, who was sitting right there, telling me privately "Go ahead and tell if you want."

    I figured that there was no time like the present, so I said "there is one thing that I'd like to talk to the two of you about..." and told them that I was TG, that I had known for about five years, and that I was now in the process of transition. Mimi was there to support me and everything went very well. The female half of the couple said "I don't care how you dress, I love you either way." The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved but said nothing negative.

    I showed them a couple of pictures of me out with my family, just so that they could get a mental image of how I look in my desired presentation. They thought that the pictures looked pretty good and I took that as a complement.

    The female half of the couple then talked about her experiences with the LGBT scene in the city she last lived in. She had friends in the gay community, but wasn't acquainted with anyone in the Trans community there.

    Before we left, the female half of the couple asked my shoe size. I said "11", and she said "I have a pair of shoes you might like. I'm an 11 but they are just a bit tight on me." She brought out a pair of peep-toe slingback pumps and I tried them on. They fit beautifully and she said "They're yours!"

    Analysis:

    I think it went really well. Both of my friends seemed to take it well, and probably thought of it as an explanation for the changes in my behavior and appearance over the last few years.

    The female half of the couple seemed the most accepting. I talked about the experience with Persephone and she pointed out that my friend's mention of her LGBT connections was a statement of "political" acceptance, but that her gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level. I think that things will be fine with her and that from her point of view she has acquired a new female friend.

    The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved. I think that he fears loss of his male friend and I can see his point. I'm the same person, able to be as geeky and mechanical as I previously was, but things will be different. I need to reach out to him to reassure him that the change is good and that he need not fear losing his friend.

    This will open up new social opportunities for us with the other couple. Almost all of our activities are now with me in female mode and now we can invite these friends to participate with us. I think that they will enjoy it!

  2. #2
    Member Nadya's Avatar
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    Congratulations! It must feel good to have that out in the open with your friends.

  3. #3
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    Congratulations, I'm glad this went well for you. As you probably know, coming out to people is hard but so tremendously worth it when it is successful. I'd say you were definitely accepted by the female in that couple, the male sounds a bit tougher to read. Hopefully it's a good outcome with him though.

    I've been quite fortunate with the friends I've come out to. Most of my long-term friends know and my experiences seem to follow a similar pattern: the women are openly accepting and the men, while accepting on the surface, their true thoughts are harder to gauge. Of course, people are unpredictable so perhaps "pattern" is the wrong word. Regardless, it sounds like you've got at least one new friend which is wonderful to hear.

  4. #4
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    That's great to hear and I hope your male friend will have an open mind and won't feel left out during your future visits. I also came out to a real close long time friend and I found that if you leave the sex organs and clothes out of it and mostly keep to the fact of Pure Happiness and no more depression and the science of it all men get it better? My thoughts are most real men think about the organs and what your going to do with them now? An you tell them that it is not a sexual thing and hold to the endocrine system part and brain they understand better.

    Now that just my views,, You gotta tip toe with this subject and not push it real hard and fast and like you said just dress neutral around them for a long while so it doesn't threaten them. Maybe that shows them there is more than clothes and sex to this and that's what people need to understand?
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  5. #5
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I think that's a wonderful story and good to share

    Lots of people are in your similar position and handling it in a positive and constructive way is a good example for others. We can never predict outcomes but we can put our best foot forward..



    For what its worth, almost all of my male friends are all still my friends.... being interested in mechanical and geeky things is very unlikely to change.....if he is open to you, he will be very pleasantly surprised..

    from my own selfish perspective i find these male friends to be even better friends because i can be "myself".....some of their comments are priceless including the one from my hound dog casanova friend about "you are going to like me are you??" and drunkenly "ok i admit it, you are pretty hot" and my all time favorite "so when you were kissing Elizabeth(my very publicly affectionate ex GF) was i watching lesbians make out?"

    i hope you have great experiences with your friends.

    As for female friends, I AM THE PROBLEM>.... i feel pressured and inadequate next to them....i get embarrassed very easily...i am working on it..
    I am real

  6. #6
    Senior Member Eringirl's Avatar
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    A feel good story for sure, thanks for sharing!

    I have had the same experiences with my friends....women are very accepting, men a bit more reserved, but they all came around quite quickly. To your point about your male friends fearing the loss of their "male friend"....one of my male friends actually said to me that he was going to miss hanging out with the old me, assuming that everything would change about me. He is slowly seeing that is not the case. He is also the person that when I came out to them, he told me I was welcome in their house anytime, it is a safe haven, and nothing but love for me, and especially if I am having a crappy day, to just come over. So in my case, they have all come around....some take longer than others, at least in my case.
    Seize the day. Life is short, and you're dead a long time...just sayin' ...

  7. #7
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    That is a fantastic story! I do believe that if we approach things positively, we get the best result. It may be a bad result, but that means we weren't going to affect the outcome anyway. I think you have the right personality to positively impact these situations.

    It is interesting the differences we get in male/female responses. In the bigger picture, I feel I interact more with the women and a little less with the men since coming out to them. It is the interests sometimes that do that as I still talk about life in general with them. I wasn't an outdoor person or mechanically inclined, so being a regular bowler was my "guy" connection. I lost that with arthritis in my wrist. So it changed my interactions.

    Your male friend was seeing his wife put product in your hair and then you told your story. That is a bonding moment geared towards her and not him. He was disconnected from the moment as he may not be a hair guy and not into shoes. So I would make an effort to do something the two of you do and maybe do it sometime soon. Give him the opportunity to bond at a level appropriate for him. He might have questions or he might just relax by realizing that you will still have things in common.

  8. #8
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    Thanks for the lovely story. I'm always glad when these things go well.
    One male friend lamented the loss of his 'buddy', until I came over to frame his new laundry room. When he saw that I could handle a nailgun, even with breasts, he realized he had not lost a friend.

  9. #9
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    Coming out as TG does not ruin solid friendships normally. Usually the only time things get ruined is if the relationship was already on the rocks.
    At first there will be questions we always get about "how long have you known, what made you decide, do you like men or women..." but soon after, the friendship goes on as always.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    As for female friends, I AM THE PROBLEM>.... i feel pressured and inadequate next to them....i get embarrassed very easily...i am working on it..
    As always, it is possible to tell yourself:

    "You know, I could just let that go..." and then Fake It Until You Make It...

    In other words, practice the change you would like to see.

    DeeAnn

  11. #11
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I've brought two additional friends into the fold!

    I have a close 20-year work colleague that I really wanted to have "in the know" because there are many activities that we'd like to do with him and his spouse. Not being out to them really impacted our social life because I am now doing most activities in female mode and it is increasingly uncomfortable to be in male mode.

    Now, this friend had dropped some fairly large hints that he had some awareness of what I am about. Over the last few months he'd mentioned a common acquaintance who had transitioned and also said that he enjoyed the trailer for The Danish Girl, to which I replied that I had already seen the movie.

    All that remained was getting them into a situation where we could have a private chat.

    My friend wanted us to try out a favorite steak house of his a couple of cities over and I'm never one to turn down a good steak. We arranged to get together, along with out spouses, The restaurant had traditional wood-and-leather decor and was a very comfortable place. We enjoyed our meals (the steaks were excellent!) and settled down for a chat over dessert and coffee.

    Taking a deep breath I told them that there was something that I had wanted to talk to them about for quite a while. I'd always told them about the active social life we lead, but I felt sorry that we hadn't included them in it. The thing that prevented it was that I was transgendered and just about everything I did outside of work was as a woman. I had been very secretive about it and now wanted to bring selected friends into the know. There was a moment's pause while that sank in.

    My friend's spouse broke the silence. She said "Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us." That got things rolling so I gave them a brief description of my journey and my still-vague plans for transition. I showed them a couple of pictures on my phone so that they could get a mental picture of the female me. They were both on-board immediately! We chatted for a long while about transgenderism in general and resolved to do more things together. We paid our bill, walked outside, and parted ways with nice hugs all around.

    This one went smoothly as expected. I told them that it was OK to discuss me with their son (who knows our daughters) but that I'd prefer that he not discuss it at work until I talk to more colleagues privately. He understood my reasons and said he had no problem with that. We spent time together at work today and everything is fine. It's kind of nice knowing that at least one colleague knows the real me!

    I now have one strong ally at work and allies will make things much easier. The next step is to think of an interesting activity to do with them as Eryn! I'm looking forward to that!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sue View Post
    It is interesting the differences we get in male/female responses. In the bigger picture, I feel I interact more with the women and a little less with the men since coming out to them. It is the interests sometimes that do that as I still talk about life in general with them.

    Your male friend was seeing his wife put product in your hair and then you told your story. That is a bonding moment geared towards her and not him. He was disconnected from the moment...
    You're absolutely correct, and it probably wasn't very nice of me from that standpoint. However, in our defense, there is no absolutely perfect moment and this was about the best we were going to get.

    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B View Post
    ...You gotta tip toe with this subject and not push it real hard and fast and like you said just dress neutral around them for a long while so it doesn't threaten them. Maybe that shows them there is more than clothes and sex to this and that's what people need to understand?
    My therapist and I discussed the issue and one thing that came up is that, from the male friend's point of view, I have "switched to the other team," an act that is not in his world-view at all. Even though males cooperate with the opposite gender, there is always an underlying tension and separation. Now he has to sort out how to relate to me now that my status has changed in his eyes. That will take time.

    Mimi and I intend to continue to reach out to him. We have enjoyed eating together every week or two for years and we intend for this to continue.

  12. #12
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    First, congratulations on coming out to your friends. This is a huge step!!! I am so happy for you!!!

    I honestly think while females do tend to be more accepting towards us than males, I think it has a lot to do with the strength of the relationship itself, but mostly, to do with the person's emotional and spiritual health. People that are basically decent human beings, and have worked through their emotional baggage from the past, are the ones who are most likely to accept us, while those with too much unresolved baggage from their pasts are more likely to reject us - either overtly or covertly.


    I have been rejected overtly by three males.

    I have been rejected covertly by two males ( one whom I was rather close too before I transitioned, the other who is Mr. Anti Government)

    I have been accepted by plenty of males (my boss included, plus several men from my AA group)

    I have been rejected overtly by no females

    I have been rejected covertly by a couple of females (one of whom has a preoccupation with my male persona)

    I have been accepted by virtually every other female in my life

    I agree that women love seeing us join their side. They love having a shopping buddy, a girlfriend to talk girl talk with, and someone who is on the team female. Males often have problems with their egos, plus males are losing us to team female. They often fear we will lose interest in football and cars, and that we would have nothing in common with them. The truth is that there are plenty of transwomen who retain their interest in football and cars even years after transitioning. There are plenty of transwomen, such as myself, who had no interest in football nor cars even before transitioning. I am into tech and am highly intellectual, but not into Star Wars (nor Star Trek).
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Oh, one other very nice thing.

    I was alone at work with the person to whom I had come out the evening before. He said "By the way, it's wonderful how Mimi is so supportive and encouraging."

    He is 100% correct. Having Mimi at my side and participating in the conversation makes things go so much smoother. I get tongue-tied in the tension of the situation and she deftly fills in the gaps. Her obvious support and enthusiasm provides a behavioral model for everyone involved.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    You're absolutely correct, and it probably wasn't very nice of me from that standpoint. However, in our defense, there is no absolutely perfect moment and this was about the best we were going to get.
    Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to say you weren't being nice. It was the moment you were in and that is just how it played out. I was just pointing out that doing something more geared to him would be a good next step.

  15. #15
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    Hi Eryn,

    Late to the thread so . . . congrats on such a great outcome. I found coming out to long term friends a bit of a wild card but for the most part transitioning place necessitated a very quick outing to all. I have lost one very dear friend but I think he is slowly coming around but only time will tell. For the most part, the guys I knew as Marcel were a bit shocked but slowly accepted and most of the women I knew were a bit quicker off the mark.

    Congrats again!

    Cheers

    Marcelle

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The next step is upon me: Meeting the in-laws!

    Mimi and I are taking a road trip up the coast to see them all.

    We'll have a big family dinner with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, her husband, a nephew, a niece, and her boyfriend. They've already been told that I am trans, but this is the first time they will see me in the flesh. I don't anticipate any problems, but it will be interesting.

    Wish me luck!.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sue View Post
    Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to say you weren't being nice. It was the moment you were in and that is just how it played out. I was just pointing out that doing something more geared to him would be a good next step.
    Indeed we have. We've been out to our weekly breakfasts a couple of times since then and everything has been as it usually is. The only difference is that I could show him the pictures I took of the previous evening because he's now "cleared" to see them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marcelle View Post
    ...For the most part, the guys I knew as Marcel were a bit shocked but slowly accepted and most of the women I knew were a bit quicker off the mark.
    I think that you are right. For our male acquaintances, we're leaping into the Great Unknown and they can't share the experience. They have nothing to offer us but their best wishes.

    For our female acquaintances, there is no unknown. They're already there and are probably a little pleased that we have chosen to "come over" and experience their world. (yes, I know, it wasn't a choice, but let's not burst their bubble, right?)

    I fully expected some women to reject me as an unqualified applicant to their exclusive club, but so far that has not happened at all.

  17. #17
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    You shouldn't need luck if your in-laws take after their daughter.

    Hope you and Mimi have a wonderful time.
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    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

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  18. #18
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    You shouldn't need luck if your in-laws take after their daughter.
    You are, of course, correct.

    I spent two days on the central coast with Mimi, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, husbands, and boyfriends. We walked the wharf, shopped the boutiques, ate at various restaurants, saw Star Wars, and spent a lot of time just chatting.

    Gender never came up!

  19. #19
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    ok Eryn, this is my dilemma for tomorrow, when I get to spend all day with one of my oldest friends and his wife. they' don't know, tho i've been in andro-ish mode the last few meets (tunic, leggings, fleece, boots up to just below the knee) without any comments. It's a big one for me, as this friend introduced me to my hometown here, he knows everyone in the upper circles. I'm likening this to playing pontoon - stick or twist: stick and lose out to being true to myself, or twist and maybe win or maybe bust.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
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  20. #20
    Living MY Life Rachel Smith's Avatar
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    I told all my long term friends now all I have are short term friends.
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  21. #21
    Aspiring Member MissDanielle's Avatar
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    True friends will accept you for who you are. If they don't, that's not a true friend.
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  22. #22
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    As many people know, my "coming out" path was less than usual, but I will never forget the reaction of one of my friends when she read about me in the local paper. She took the news story, showed it to her husband, and said "That's my friend!"
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  23. #23
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissDanielle View Post
    True friends will accept you for who you are. If they don't, that's not a true friend.
    How do closeted people come in here and spout meaningless platitudes to people who are coming out?

    ...also, I thought Eryn was 100% out "except for work"? Didn't we have some protracted discussion about how insignificant that "one last little bit" was? I think the tweeners were throwing around that silly 95% number because they were in "women's clothes as soon as they got home" or something.

    I mean, I applaud your coming out efforts, but after a couple of months of your reports of coming out to friends, can we now all agree that "except for work" is a useless statement? When will you be able to admit to the forum that you have been mostly closeted except for hand picked social occasions?

    What is this aversion to honesty that so many here seem to have?
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
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  24. #24
    Aspiring Member MissDanielle's Avatar
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    I'm semi-closeted. I live in a backwoods state and a living situation that isn't great at the moment...so I'm not fully coming out until after I move to a city that will better suit me. My closest friends know and they all accept and support me for who I am. One jerk didn't and let's just say, we're not talking at all.

    The circle of family and friends that know are growing wider every day.
    I'm a nice Jewish girl.

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  25. #25
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    ...and now we have yet another new way to avoid the truth. "semi-closeted"?

    Come on people shouldn't the TS forum be about facing reality and abandoning fantasy and pretense? Transition requires a stiff spine, thick skin, and a solid grasp on the hard facts.

    There is no crime in not being Out with a capital 'O'. It's totally okay to pick and choose your moments. It's just good sense to not come out at work until you're ready. There is nothing wrong with being "in the middle". Just embrace whoever you are and wherever you are on the 'journey' or the 'spectrum'.

    Transition is a very personal thing so why not own it and report on your REAL journey? It doesn't serve anyone when you embellish things including yourself. In fact it damages your credibility in the eyes of someone who might be on a very similar path.
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
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