My daughter will be 4 in a few months. I was just wondering when some of you told your kids and they were able to comprehend that it is a family secret? At what age or signs of maturity do they show that they can handle such a thing? I’d like to be more out but stay in the closet due to the wife’s wishes.
Edit: I would never tell her without the wives blessing
My kids are 42 and 37. I never told them about my cross dressing. My cross dressing is private. I have never worn female clothing in front of them and never will. That aside it is not a good idea to coach your child to "keep a secret." That is the classic way a pervert in the family grooms a young child....."Keep a secret." Although your reason for "keeping a secret" may be rooted in continuing to hide your cross dressing for unfounded or founded fear affecting you and your family, someone else's secret may be to injure your child. Young children just blurt out whatever is on their minds. There is always that risk. Further, IMHO, if you're trying to draw them into keeping "your" secret, aren't you in some way conveying the thought cross dressing is not OK? I don't know the answer to that.
Now that my 7-year-old daughter is old enough to have a memory of things, I have no plans to tell her until at least high school. She may, in the deep recesses of her memory, know, but I am not going to spark the recollection.
As to how she may know -- For various reasons, I was a stay-at-home dad for several periods during my daughter's early years of life. Well before she could truly comprehend the difference (or at least so I thought) in gender roles, much less appearances, I wore a t-shirt over a bra and my forms frequently, occasionally shedding the t-shirt while she napped. One day she woke up early in a start and I didn't have time to throw on a t-shirt. After getting her settled, she commented "Daddy has boobs like mommy!" I didn't make a big deal of it; I just told her that I had to go take them off real quick..
Flash forward to a couple weeks later, when I was picking her up from daycare. I had my forms, along with a couple of dresses, sitting in an open bag on the floor of the back seat of my car. She made a comment "Oh, daddy, there's your boobs!"
Yep, I made sure to not have anything out around her EVER again.
(But in a supremely ironic twist, she is the reason that I wear painted toes 24/7.)
As a closet dresser, I completely agree with Pat! I tell people on a "need to know" basis. No one in my family knew I dressed until my adult daughter moved back in with me and almost caught me a number of times!
I had to tell her, her sister, and my ex! Because they r all close. But, they've all asked me one time or another if they could tell so and so? So, I KNOW keeping a secret like that is a burden.
Why would u want to burden anyone close to u?
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
When is the right time to tell is necessarily different from when can they be burdened with "a family secret" that they mustn't disclose.
I'd argue that the former is around the age your child is now -- they are aware of gender roles at this point and they'd be best able to handle the idea that there are other gender roles that they have been unaware of up to now. As for "family secrets" I'd say they're never the right age for that. Perhaps you could tell your child about transgender people without disclosing that you are one? That would at least set the groundwork to eventually come out when you're ready.
I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.
I never told my children, and did not find it necessary to do so.
They and their families live in other states.
Unlike Pat I would hold off until they reach a responsible age or their schooling and outlook appears to have an outlook on gender issues of today.
If they actively talk about gender issues at age four maybe you share something with them now or at least educate them with your views.
Mmmm! Reading Pat's post again I feel that I am repeating what she said.
Last edited by Beverley Sims; 03-19-2018 at 11:19 AM.
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I don't believe in makeing children keep "family secrets". It's not fair to them, and robs them of their innocence. If you are not out to the world, then you shouldn't be out to your children until they are old enough to understand why you want them to keep it a secret.
I know this is going to sound mean but what's the difference between telling your children not to talk about how daddy dresses, and telling them not to talk about how daddy hits mommy?
We raised our son to be open minded and excepting, and he didn't know about my activities until he was in middle school.
Last edited by Robertacd; 03-19-2018 at 07:17 PM.
Me and my wife are expecting our first and I find this thread very enlightening. Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts and experiences!
We told our daughter when she was 14 yeah not young but that's how it went with us. She is now 29 and has been supporting of her Dad and continues to be so does her fiancee.
One thing I will say, don't ask kids to keep your secret, this is not fair on them and they shouldn't be expected to keep the secret.
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Roberta, I came out to my son when he was 22. He was moving back home, temporarily, and I felt it was necessary. It turned out he has known since he was 14. At that time he was certain my wife and I had Pot, and he tore the house apart looking for it. He didn't find any; we hadn't smoked it for years by then; but guess what he did find. He was fine with it and doesn't have a problem with LGBTQ people, even at one point touring in a punk band with a lead singer who transitioned and is now recording as a female.
As far as family secrets are concerned, first of all; you are not doing anything illegal, it's a new age; see above. Secondly, They go both ways. Now that he's 30 he's started telling me stories about the things he did as a kid, and it usually scares the crap out of me.
I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.
Well because of this thread I talked further with the wife about telling the kids. We made a plan that works for both of us.
Raleen,
I love your ideals. But you have to be realistic and if your SO doesn't want the kids to know and you still let them know, this is going to cause problems with sometimes serious consequences (such as divorce or the SO making the kids see the dressing as a negative thing).
It's not 22. Trust me.
Roberta,
The simple answer is there isn't a right time.
To me kids need and depend on you as parents , they should not have the burden of your adult problems , no matter how mature you think they are they are still kids with problems of their own, it's not fair to assume they have the capacity to take it all on board.
My kids are grown up with their own children , they dealt with my CDing in an adult way , I feel it was the right way , it's an adult problem that can only be handled in that way .
Kids could suffer a great deal from being told about your dressing , it's not fair to expect them to keep it a secret, you can't blame them if they let that secret slip besides kids have enough to deal with themselves as they grow up, they expect that support from us and not to have to support you .
This is an extremely complex and confusing issue. I don’t have kids myself, but in general, I’d say that once they’re old enough for “the talk”, they’re old enough to deal with the issues that crossdressing brings up. As for when they’re old enough to keep your secret... HAHAHAHAHA... if you think a moody angsty teenager won’t use your secret to get whatever they want out of you, you obviously don’t remember being a teenager.
I agree with Micki to some degree.
If you say " my kid would never tell my secret" I have to laugh because yes they would.
I would say do not burden your young children with a family secret, its not fair to them because it only alienates them to some degree.
I know some CDs have this dying urge to tell someone about their "hobby" but my question is why what is the benefit?
I can’t imagine 4 or anytime before pretty old would I need to tell on myself.
If the desire is so bad, just come out to the world.
If not, you can keep this thing a secret a pretty long time.
The advice about how this can look if the kids talk about daddy’s secret is very good.
I would find a separate place with a lock and a place for all my girlie clothes.
My blue suitcase is mine alone.
Thanks for all the responses, I know at 4 it is too young. I was just fishing for the age even if it’s adulthood that other members told their kids at. It was just on my mind, because I am going to raise her up knowing the transgendered community and to be accepting of every kind of person out there. Maybe one day it will just feel right. Or maybe one day my wife will say screw it and not worry about keeping it a big secret.
Another question, has anyone’s kids that find out later in life, or you tell them later in life, get really upset at you for hiding the secret from them? I can see how expecting honesty from your kids also means honest from about who you are as a person. Idk, just throwing that out there
Roberta,
No my kids weren't openly upset, my daughter is very accepting and doesn't have a problem , my son is finding it harder for several reasons, maybe he feels he's lost Dad , but his wife is very black and white and has made it clear she wouldn't live with it. I guess that has raised some issues between them possibly not all related to my CDing .
It's early days to say how much our separation is affecting them , they all know it's happened because of my CDing needs and the fact my wife can't live with it ,at the moment it's going OK . My wife was more concerned about my son finding out as compared with my daughter , my wife and daughter have had heated words over my wife's treatment with me over the issue . I advised my daughter to back off and not be caught in the middle of the situation , I didn't want her to start taking sides , it was for my wife and I to sort the problem out but still be there for them , that is how it has worked out for the present .
Char,
That's precisely my point, it is an adult problem , children shouldn't be expected to take it in and deal with it , they have enough to deal with themselves as the grow up .
Last edited by Teresa; 03-19-2018 at 03:17 PM.
My opinion is to never tell young kids.
We had a female to male neighbor. The reason we knew that was because his 5 year old twins told the neighbors that their daddy used to be their mommy but “they weren’t supposed to tell”. So much for that secret!
this has come up a few times, and i think browsing through some of those older threads might help too.
it really depends on so many things, and i think you can see that there's a pretty wide range of opinions. yes, raising your kids to be open-minded and accepting is super important. and if you do that first step, it'll be more likely that they grow up to be kind and accpeting people. but i also think it's helpful if they can meet and be around folks of all different backgrounds. and if they grow up around folks who dress they won't view it as something odd or weird, or needing to be kept a secret.
i think i also have a tough time with the idea of 'femily secrets'. secrets imply something that there's shame or embarresment around a topic. and if it's framed as a secret, of course a kid is going to feel self-conscious about the idea and concept.
my kids know that their dad is non-binary. they know that i have dresses. they also have been around other trans folks and get that they're awesome and cool people just like everyone else. i'm also ok though if it does come out, if it does get told. if you're not, then telling them and risking that outcome might not be a good idea. it's a choice that only you and your partner can decide on. my kids are 10 and 8 now. They learned about it when they were about 5 and 7.
Good luck, hun. Whatever you decide for your family will be the best choice. But I believe in being open and transparent, and that working through these things as a family is important.
Hi Roberta, I have a boy who's a toddler and I am expecting another boy soon so well timed thread for me. My wife doesnt want to ever tell them, which I think I agree with. I plan to explain the transgendered community as they grow so they understand and judge noone.
Problem is its a contridiction to say there's nothing wrong men wanting to crossdress etc but I didnt want to you that I did because.......
Yes maybe good reason but still a contridiction.
In short there is no right answer.
Last edited by Maria_mtf; 03-19-2018 at 03:44 PM. Reason: typo
Roberta kids learn from your example so be accepting of trans people,gay people and others thats all you need to do.
As far as your situation wait until one asks if they ever do.
My kids know me as a hard ass mean SOB because I used to be one but they have learned in their adulthood I am a fair and understanding person that has changed over time.
Would me coming out make a big difference? no not really so I don't see the need to.
But I do know some of her gay friends she went to college with so if they have said anything who knows?
Last edited by Tracii G; 03-19-2018 at 06:38 PM.
Maria,
I don't believe it is a contradiction , this forum wouldn't exist if CDing didn't create problems for other people , we may be OK about doing it but others are never going to come to terms with it . You only have to look at the problem with the bathroom bill in the US .
Rogina,
I can see that has worked for you but my daughter was badly bullied at school , she had so much to deal with the last thing she needed was taking me on board. We had to give her 110% support to get her through , she still went on to getting a degree in nursing and a second in speech and language . Now she has started to pay me back with her support which I would never have had and didn't expect when she was younger . Sorry but one size doesn't fit all , in my situation I feel I did the right thing and I know now my wife does respect me for that .
Teresa,you didn't need to show or tell as you weren't headed out of your darkroom closet. In order to live an out life as a TG person,there is a need to reveal. Totally different situation from a crossdresser.
Rogina,
That's not relevant , despite me knowing that now , even if I were or knew it then it wouldn't have changed the situation, she was our priority not me !
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