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Thread: When is the proper time to tell young kids

  1. #26
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    I never told my daughter she,s 32 no, but has asked me who the tall woman with black hair was who used to look after her sometimes, still cant tell her the tall woman was me

  2. #27
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    It is important to me that one day I tell her who I am. I just was curious at what age others did. I realize there are people that had good and bad experiences. This younger generation is different than those that have kids in their 40s.

    I keep thinking I am just a CDer, but it’s a need to express myself, I think I’m non binary. Coming out to my wife has saved me from drinking alcohol every day. I only drink 2 times a month now, socially, when it was every single day before that. I’m sure counseling wouldn’t hurt. Just being out to my wife and being allowed to express myself, even if it’s just underdressing, has curved my alcoholism and depression from the result of keeping that secret in the black pit.

  3. #28
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Roberta,
    Maybe look back to your childhood and think how would you would have felt if you dad had come out to you. OK I don't know you age but for my generation would I have come to terms with it being faced with that ? My dad was over six feet tall and weighed about twenty stone ( 280lbs ? ) and red hair and a beard , the image of him in a dress and coming out , I think I might have run a way from home as a child !

    I can see you have to achieve a balancing act , it does take time , the problem is there are no rules , what works for one could be a total disaster for another . I believe you have done the right thing , ask members here , put the answers together and work out what could work for you . To me my kids are precious , they are what we were put on the is planet for so we should take care of them first , there will come a time when we need that help in return , it's inevitable age or illness takes it's toll . I still feel I pitched it right I have the support of my family now when I need it to get through my separation ,they are here for me now if I want them , it' a good feeling .
    The real me ,no going back.

  4. #29
    Member cdtraveler's Avatar
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    In my view unless you plan to be very open and public about your dressing I personnally would wait until they were post adolescence and secure with their own gender identity and only then on a need to know basis. If you plan to live and express openly then start very young and be cnsistent about it.

  5. #30
    Silk and Satin Goddess VivianFrost's Avatar
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    Me and my wife are expecting our first and I find this thread very enlightening. Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts and experiences!

  6. #31
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    We told our daughter when she was 14 yeah not young but that's how it went with us. She is now 29 and has been supporting of her Dad and continues to be so does her fiancee.

    One thing I will say, don't ask kids to keep your secret, this is not fair on them and they shouldn't be expected to keep the secret.
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  7. #32
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    So Sandra, when you told her at 14 about her dad did she keep it a secret on her own? I’m sure she didn’t want to tell kids at school because of gossip, not because she was ashamed or anything. Did she tell anyone else besides her fiancé? Sorry I am just interested in how it went further and how it was processed.

  8. #33
    Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Roberta, I came out to my son when he was 22. He was moving back home, temporarily, and I felt it was necessary. It turned out he has known since he was 14. At that time he was certain my wife and I had Pot, and he tore the house apart looking for it. He didn't find any; we hadn't smoked it for years by then; but guess what he did find. He was fine with it and doesn't have a problem with LGBTQ people, even at one point touring in a punk band with a lead singer who transitioned and is now recording as a female.

    As far as family secrets are concerned, first of all; you are not doing anything illegal, it's a new age; see above. Secondly, They go both ways. Now that he's 30 he's started telling me stories about the things he did as a kid, and it usually scares the crap out of me.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  9. #34
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Roberta,
    Maybe look back to your childhood and think how would you would have felt if you dad had come out to you.
    I believe it is how you are raised on how you react to that news. I was brought up in a very conservative house that was anti gay, anti trans, anti minority, etc. (not all conservatives are like that, just giving my personal experience) When I got older I decided that wasn’t right and went my own way. I respect my dad, but not his views on people different than him. I would definitely be his biggest supporter if he was a CD because my other siblings got brain washed into that mentality and I escaped it.

    But we were all raised different in that generation and previous generations. The younger generation is far more supportive of things like that. millenials are raising their kids to be far more accepting. The most unique generation by far.
    Last edited by Ariana225; 03-20-2018 at 11:29 AM.

  10. #35
    Member ambigendrous's Avatar
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    Consider this: if your child decides to tell ANYBODY "My Daddy and I have a secret I'm not supposed to talk about" you'll be getting a visit from CPS people in short order. People won't think "Oh, he must be a crossdresser" - they'll immediately jump to "Oh he's a pervert who's abusing his kid!"

    As they get to be teenagers they'll have enough issues of their own to deal with - I don't know if adding to their burden at that time is prudent.

    Maybe when they're adults they can deal with it, but in the end it will have to be an individual decision.
    Ambigendrous
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  11. #36
    Laura So Cal Laura28's Avatar
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    I am from the camp it is private and nobody else’s business other then mine and those I choose to tell, knowing full well if tell a single person my secret is up. I also believe why would you want to tell your kids to me it selfish to do so. If you are transitioning that’s differnt but ask anyone keep a secret is wrong.

  12. #37
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roberta225 View Post
    So Sandra, when you told her at 14 about her dad did she keep it a secret on her own? I’m sure she didn’t want to tell kids at school because of gossip, not because she was ashamed or anything. Did she tell anyone else besides her fiancé? Sorry I am just interested in how it went further and how it was processed.
    She was told that she could tell who she wanted to tell, which she did she told her best friend and eventually word did get round the school, we had already been up and spoke to the head about the situation. Amy did have a problem with one boy which after a while came to a head and well she hit him, not a slap but a punch, thus was not just because of her Dad but other stuff that had gone on with the boy at the school.

    Amy has told anyone who she wants to tell, I know her work colleagues know. Things have gone even further with Nigella being TS, again Amy has supported her Dad and is very protective. Roll back a bit, when Amy was first told Nigella presented as a cder, Amy told us she knew there was something just couldn't put her finger on it. Then when Nigella eventually came out of denial about being TS Amy was told she then told her fiancé and things just went on as normal.

    Children need to be given some credit, a lot of them are much more accepting than adults and that includes being accepting of there parent. Yes I know sometimes it goes wrong but there is some good that comes out of it for some not everyone and that is a shame.
    Sandra
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  13. #38
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Sandra, I appreciate you sharing your story! I’m glad everything turned out good with a few minor bumps. It’s scary because there are still bad people out there that target the TG/TS community to do harm.

    I know it’s something that both me and my SO need to agree on or we don’t do it. I really do appreciate all the responses. It gives me a lot of perspectives. All I can do is take it day by day and see when the right time is. Moving 3 1/2 hours away from my home town will also give me better peace of mind. Small towns tend to result in a lot of gossip and drama because everyone knows everyone.

  14. #39
    New Girl to the PNW raeleen's Avatar
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    this has come up a few times, and i think browsing through some of those older threads might help too.

    it really depends on so many things, and i think you can see that there's a pretty wide range of opinions. yes, raising your kids to be open-minded and accepting is super important. and if you do that first step, it'll be more likely that they grow up to be kind and accpeting people. but i also think it's helpful if they can meet and be around folks of all different backgrounds. and if they grow up around folks who dress they won't view it as something odd or weird, or needing to be kept a secret.

    i think i also have a tough time with the idea of 'femily secrets'. secrets imply something that there's shame or embarresment around a topic. and if it's framed as a secret, of course a kid is going to feel self-conscious about the idea and concept.

    my kids know that their dad is non-binary. they know that i have dresses. they also have been around other trans folks and get that they're awesome and cool people just like everyone else. i'm also ok though if it does come out, if it does get told. if you're not, then telling them and risking that outcome might not be a good idea. it's a choice that only you and your partner can decide on. my kids are 10 and 8 now. They learned about it when they were about 5 and 7.

    Good luck, hun. Whatever you decide for your family will be the best choice. But I believe in being open and transparent, and that working through these things as a family is important.

  15. #40
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Thanks Raeleen! It’s definately going to be a path that I want to follow. Your way makes the most sense to me. I will take it slowly and one day at a time.

  16. #41
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Skip all previous replies and follow Raeleens' advise in post 39. Similar approach worked for me too. I'm proud of my open minded and accepting of all types of people son.

  17. #42
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Daisy,Like my initial post said,"most opinions will come from those that have never experienced it". For a TG person,designing a satisfying life means inclusion from your direct family.

  18. #43
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Rogina/Daisy,
    That attitude is OK as long as your children don't develop mental problems , thankfully mine didn't but coming out to young kids in a DADT situation isn't ideal , no matter where you are on the TG spectrum lack of understanding and acceptance is going to tear a young family apart , I still think my actions were adult and responsible ones , OK I suffered for it but that's life, it's far from perfect but they are now adult enough to deal with it .
    The real me ,no going back.

  19. #44
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    I have two girls which I told at around 15 years old. If I felt they couldn't handle it I would have waited. Of course telling your children or not is up to you.

  20. #45
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I often say you should not tell anyone who does not need to know. That would apply to your children as well. If you plan on prancing around the house in a tutu and six inch heels, you're going to have to tell them. If you can limit your dressing to when they are out of the house, you do not.

    Children shouldn't be burdened with a secret like this and they probably won't be able to keep it. More importantly, they can use this secret to blackmail you. Tell your daughter she can't go to the mall and she may threaten to tell people about your crossdressing.

    My advice: Don't tell and don't let them find out.
    Krisi

  21. #46
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Rogina/Daisy,
    That attitude is OK as long as your children don't develop mental problems
    Really? You think that would cause mental problems? Do you also think a gay couple raising up a kid would also cause mental problems? Kids brought up to be loving, accepting, and embracing of other people’s differences would not skip a beat.

    If I raised my daughter for years and she told me she was really a man. I would be loving the same exact person unconditionally. You got to give kids more credit, they will still see you as the same loving person that has always been there for them. Sure it takes everyone time to process things, but people that truly love someone will come around.

  22. #47
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Roberta,
    It's not a hypothetical answer, my daughter was seriously bullies at school, it reduced her to a devastating state at times , she needed a great deal of support from us as parents , I'm so proud of her now as she has gone on to achieve two degrees , it would never have happened without that, she is now returning that love and support .
    The real me ,no going back.

  23. #48
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Teresa,

    I’m probably just confused then. You said you waited to tell your kids later in life then said something about your daughter being bullied in school. The dresssing and bullying were not cause and effect then right? Sorry I was just looking for clarification, because I wasn’t understanding what you were saying.

  24. #49
    Rhonda Thomasina Sissy_in_pink's Avatar
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    My daughter was about 4 or 5 I didn't tell her cause I doubt if she would have understood, so I put a dress on and let her see me, no makeup or wig as that would have just added to her confusion. When she saw me in the dress she was enthralled and seemed to like my in female clothes, until that is when her mother found out and poisoned her mind by saying that if her friends found out that they would leave her as if she had the plague. So from then on she stopped liking it, mothers can be so cruel to their kids.

    On this site we talk a lot about being excepted by everyone. If we can't get our kids to except us when they are young, how in hell are we ever going to get excepted by adults, attitudes are developed at a young age, so at a young age is when they should be told.
    Last edited by Sissy_in_pink; 03-21-2018 at 03:46 PM.
    Rhonda Thomasina

  25. #50
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Roberta,
    That's OK , in fact I accidentally came out to my daughter, she must have been in her early twenties doing her second degree , I forgot she was working in her bedroom and I was ironing a dress of mine , she interrupted me, took one look at the dress and knew it didn't belong to my wife so I told her the whole story . She had dealt with these issues in her nursing degree course so was perfectly OK about it. Since then she has been so supportive, giving me makeup items , she has seen my pictures and doesn't have a problem with visiting me no matter how I'm dressed in my new home, her husband is also perfectly OK about the whole situation .
    The real me ,no going back.

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