Time to tell the transphobic partner...advice?

[Megan G]

Elizabeth,

I feel for you but If you think it’s hard now just wait....as Mirya said it will get worse....but someday...it does get better. That is why those of us who have transitioned in the past say “don’t transition unless you absolutely have to!”

With that said i cannot give advice on couples therapy, boundaries or anything like that as if you are TS none of that will work and you will only find yourself in the same boat a few years down the road. What advice I will give you is to stop calling your wife transphobic and assuming her thoughts on couples therapy is to set boundaries etc.... She is living thru a nightmare, the person she married and loved for 40 years has just announced something that shook her marriage to the core. She is going to go thru many stages along the way (shock, anger, sadness, grief etc) and while she is doing that she is going to watch the man she loves slowly die and watch the rebirth of this new person who she does not know.....and before you say anything, yes you will change and i don’t mean physically.

The odds of your marriage surviving is low, it does happen, but is low. Eventually she will have to deal with the thoughts of after 40 years her hetero marriage will suddenly become a same sex union and that is most likely going to be the breaking point for her.

My ex and i stayed together for 5 years after my announcement to her. She helped me thru a lot and i would prob not be here today if it was not for her and my CIS friends. But she is not a lesbian and had to eventually face the fact that she needed more....and we separated...as best friends who still love each other and always will.

So what i am trying to say is yes it will look bad right now but in time, and with you giving her some space to process and deal with this new revelation you can come out the other end ok. You might not be married but you can still be in each other’s lives. But the main issue is you have resolved your GD and are free to finally live....

That’s if you need to transition. I wish you luck.....

[elizabethamy]

Thank you, Megan. I think it will work out, somehow. I'm going to stop journaling about it. We're moving toward understanding each other's problem and position quite a lot, recognizing that it might be too much to stay together. I will stop using the word "transphobic" which to me means "afraid of transgender/ism" (that's the literal meaning but clearly it means something much worse to most people).

We will have to find a way to be civil throughout all this and we have pledged to do so, after several days of being uncivil.

e.a.