Scene: You revealed to her and she is absolutely refusing any part of your need / passion to dress.
Finale: She's accepted your femme self and has become supportive.
Question: Over time, what did you say or do to woo her from her negativity to acceptance? Or, what did she do, and WHY?
If you choose to answer and participate, give as much detail as possible. The replies may well help sisters to better negotiate the negative mine field they are in.
Being honest from the start is a good start👍👍
Being open and honest from the very start. I also researched papers on the subject, printed out those that I felt applied to me and gave them to my wife to read. We then sat down, had a through discussion and arrived at workable solutions. Over time I gained more and more freedom.
If you’re looking for practical experience, I don’t know that there are a whole lot of SOs that have gone from your point A to your point B. There’s been stories of SOs going from point A to “putting up with it”, or from tolerant to accepting, but I don’t know that there’s a whole lot of “put her foot down” to “supportive” stories.
The nature of your question is also a little troublesome. Her opinions are her opinions and you seem to be asking how you can manipulate those to be what you want them to be. If you just want to know how to maximize the possibility of her being accepting, there is a whole sticky thread about this.
Being patient and letting her arrive there. This took a little over two years, but the most important thing is that she wanted to get there because she loves me and wants me and us to be happy.
Therefore, she sought therapy to be able to understand it, and to understand her own reactions and aversion to it.
Unless your SO is already pre disposed to it, I’m not sure it can be done without the above.
Not a woman, I just enjoy looking and feeling like one now and then!
Here’s the thing: while you’re going through an emotional rollercoaster, for obvious reason (I get it, my wife has led me on one too) the reality is that you’ve also dropped a bomb on her. She’s likely going through her own roller coaster, and while you had time to prepare yourself, she didn’t... it came out of left field for her.
She has to come to her level of acceptance on her own terms. The best thing you can do is prepare yourself to accept wherever she lands. Don’t pressure her in anyway, and make clear to her that her comfort is your highest priority. Take it very very slowly. My wife swings like a pendulum, and I’ve had to learn that my gender dysphoria is my problem, not hers. If she’s going to come along on the ride, it has to be on HER terms and within her boundaries and comfort level. Personally, my marriage is most important to me. We’ve already got to the point where she accepts me for who and what I am, but we’re still working through the practical details on her involvement, if any. We’ve been working through this for 2 years now. This is a typical return from out of town for her now:
HER (looking at me when she comes through the door): Youn know there’s some neutrogena eye makeup remover under the sink that you can use to take off your mascara
ME (looking in the mirror): that’s not mascara it’s eyelash glue
HER: that’s even better!
[queue kiss]
I know you want her to dive in head first in the deep end, but it’s likely going to be a much more complicated process, and success will come from empathy, understanding, and your preparation to put her needs first. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.
Last edited by KatrinaK; 03-28-2018 at 06:52 PM.
I tried to be open and honest to my wife over the last two years and I've found things at least for me to be much better if I keep my desires totally hidden!
I thought that she would except this part of me but "NO" so I'm back in the closet!
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
I think age and past experience over a long time is the catalyst.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Like many of us, I started dressing early in life and knew it was a permanent part of me. Through the dating years, no problems, I knew, though, selfishly, I couldn’t give it up. When I met “the one”, I anguished greatly, but decided, for better or worse, to tell her...expecting the worst. One night, we went out and she wore hose..my #1. I made a couple comments on her legs and hose. She picked up on my extra interest in nylons and, jokingly, asked me if I’d like to wear hose. I decided that was a sign to tell all. I told her “yes” and that I crossdressed, thinking she’d run to the nearest door. She thought I was joking, being a football, track guy. I assured her this was no joke. She said, “I have 2 questions”. 1. Are you gay or bi? 2. Do you want SRS? I said “no” to both. She smiled and said “OK”. I couldn’t believe it. We had many long talks...many and did a lot of reading. We got married. Even on our honeymoon, she brought some pantyhose, panties, and a bra. She said she couldn’t wait to see me dressed. She didn’t have to wait long...lol. She even did my makeup. That was many years ago and to this day, she helps and supports me. As tough as it was, it was the best thing I ever did. She loved my courage and honesty.
Be honest, dress occasionally around her if she is accepting, but don't over do it and dress all the time. She will want her man around most of the time so don't forget your men's jeans, flannel shirt and work boots too. Give her hugs and thank her for putting up with your idiosyncrasies.
Interesting thread. Can't wait to see more responses. I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle of this path. I came out to her last fall, and though it was rough at first, she very quickly let me know that she still loves and accepts me. That was great. However, we haven't spoken about it in months. So in some ways, I sort of feel like I'm back to square one - dressing up when home alone, and keeping it to myself. Though it's a relief not to feel like I'm intentionally hiding something from her, I nervous to bring it up again.
I guess what I'm saying is I feel like we're somewhere in between acceptance and supportive. It doesn't bother her that I do it, but I'm not certain she wants any part of it.
"She was everybody else's girl. Maybe someday, she'll be her own." - T. Amos
In the many threads over the years about tolerance and acceptance (or not), I see both glass half full and half empty posts. Some CDers are miserable because their wives aren't excited and participate in their crossdressing. Others have assessed low-level acceptance and made it work.
My wife is OK with my crossdressing but doesn't participate. She will take a few photos if I ask, but I usually use a tripod and shutter timer by myself. And she does like to see me after transformation is completed, but that's about it. That's fine with me. After all, it's about me and my clothes, shoes, wigs, makeup, etc., as it was for decades before anybody knew or saw.
I consider my glass more than half full and I appreciate the level of her acceptance that I have.
I married believing my desire to crossdress would be replaced by my desire for her. I was wrong but not intentionally deceptive. Nevertheless, I was caught in the reveal trap, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I kept it secret until the topic was brought up. My wife was reading a magazine article, and mentioned that there was a character in it that crossdressed. I said "harmless fun", and the conversation finally began. It just took 3 questions: did you ever? (yes) did you like it? (yes) do you want to again? (yes). She said "So do it!". We had subsequent conversations including the "big 2" questions, answered no and no. And we went shopping.
The baby steps approach works for some, but I didn't do that. Up front, I did my best to explain what I liked and wanted to do. I think there are pitfalls in the baby steps approach, mainly when see perceives "mission creep". An example, though extreme but to illustrate: "you said you just like to wear panties, and then a dress, then high heels, wig, and makeup. And now you're considering transition. You weren't honest from the start".
My wife has known about my dressing for over 50 years. She still does not get it or appreciate it. We just had a brew-ha-ha about it last month on our way to FL. I told her I will not lie to her and will tell her when I dress ad am going out to meet others. We'll see how that goes when we get back to CT in April.
hello,
my wife has less of a problem with my dressing than I do.
perhaps my advice is to not to expect our partners to accept the crossdressing if we struggle ourselves.
If we don't make a big thing about it and behave as if it is perfectly normal then it will be accepted?
luv J
My wife and I are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. When we were first married she found me wearing one of her long nylon nightgowns. Why, she asked? I told her the truth which was I loved the feel of nylon. At that point that was the extent of it. We bought me several of my own nightgowns. She also bought me stockings and a garter belt. The term which probably applied at the time was "fetish." When our son was born and his crib was at the foot of our bed (one bedroom apartment) she asked me to cut down on wearing a nightgown which really was not that often. Fast forward eight years and she found I had expanded my interests which now included panties, slips and a bra. We had "The Talk!" Cross dressing was not in the cards. She did not sign on for it. I tried to encourage her to at least accept it. My "light bulb" went off one day when we went to Mervyn's to buy panties for me at my pleading. It was traumatic for her. It finally sunk in my insistence amounted to "spousal mental abuse." That was it. That was the last time I sought her approval. She knows I wear women's attire when she is not home for the day. She does not know the extent of my wardrobe. She knows my cross dressing has zero to do with her. I believe she truly believes there is nothing else hidden away in our marriage. She has issues which predate our marriage of almost fifty years. I have no desire to sit around the house totally en femme. That's reserved for my private time. She did not sign on for my cross dressing. Her attitude is akin to something else she told me years ago and really is applicable to cross dressing; "Go fishing if you want, but, don't ask me to clean it!"
Not sure how much I can help.... Ive never refused to be any part of Sam's crossdressing... just very suprised and angry at the start that he didn't tell me for so long... and also because i found out he had cheated on me with another cd-er before......I now accept that my husband lied to me and he has owned up to his past mistakes for hurting me. I fully support him dressing when he wants to now and will go shopping with him for new clothes and shoes etc.
How did we get to this point? ... I had a very good referral to an employee assistance counsellor that I spoke to on a regular basis and I also had very many frank discussions with Sam... He had to be very patient and accept that my emotions were really up and down for a bit but at the end of every discussion there was a concensus that we loved each other. The cd-ing did not change that. I did not speak to any other person other than those 2 about Sam cd-ing. ... Sam also did apologize for not telling me and for hurting me during those first conversations. He had to show me deleting his secret email accounts and photos (only the ones with him and other cd-ers in compromising situations). He also showed me step by step how he usually dresses and where he would go once dressed. He would ask me if I was comfortable being dressed while at home and in front of me. We told each other what our boundaries and fantasies were. There was also an understanding that developed that I did not care about him dressing but that if he kept any secrets from me again... then I would be reconsidering our marriage/relationship. I read a LOT of articles and books written by spouses of cd-ers and came to this forum to understand what it means..I also watched a couple documentaries on the subject with Sam together...
Im not sure what exactly Sam did to "woo me over" but maybe stayed honest and transparent.... All the best to others
This is a really important point, and IT, not the cross dressing, is what nearly ended my marriage. It’s impossible to ask someone else to accept you if you haven’t gotten there with yourself.Originally Posted by jacques
Many spouses initially reject the idea of CDing because they think or imagine the worst, which is understandable given the various negative views toward the CDing that most people are exposed to. Typical thoughts are, "What if people should find out - will we be gossiped about or ostracized?", "Will we be made fun of?", "Is this a fetish or a sex thing and if so, will it get worse … and where will this leave me?", "Is he gay or does he fantasize about men and if so, will he want to experiment … and where would this leave me?", "Why does he want to spend so much more money on the CDing than on me or us - does he want to CD more than be with me?", "Does he like/get a kick out of his femme self more than me?", "Will he want to transition?", etc, etc, etc.
Basically, spouses need to believe and trust that their worst fears will never materialize. This will only happen if you don’t escalate or keep on heaping surprises onto her. You mustn’t hide purchases, lie about what you want, who you meet, where you’ve been or what you do on the computer. You mustn’t ever make any false promises.
Once she experiences stability on your part, things should get better. It will take time.
Also, the two of you need to agree on who to tell and how "out" you want to be. It won’t be any good if you want to tell and CD in front of all your friends, and she doesn’t want to tell a soul. Even if YOU don’t want friends and family to know, don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s safe for you to CD in your immediate surroundings because you won’t be recognized. Very few CDers can pull this off.
Good luck!
Reine
Posting Permissions
