I need some advice from you

[Aunt Kelly]

You can quit. Almost everyone here has done it at least once. With enough will-power, one can "stay quit". Barring some type of mental illness, most adults can govern their behavior at least that well. My question is, "Why would you want to?" As virtually anyone here can tell you, resisting that which is part of our nature is probably not the best choice if long-term happiness is the goal. For some, such resistance can have profoundly negative consequences - witness the staggering suicide rate among the transsexual population.

The trick is to find balance, that point where you can express that feminine part of yourself and live your life. And yes, finding that balance can be tricky. Where mine is may not be where you find yours. My advice is to find it as soon as possible so that you can enjoy the rest of your life happy and fulfilled. Professional counseling can help, but it requires your commitment to the goal and your willingness to answer difficult questions with ...let's call it "daring" honesty. You can take the long road, as many of us have (myself included), but I would recommend against it. That road is often littered with unhappiness, failed relationships, or worse.

One last thing. Don't purge. When you finally reach the point where you realize that it's too painful to continue to deny, having purged will only add regret to the picture.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Pixie_94]

For me - I try to keep busy with physical projects (working on boats, building stuff) but after a while...
The inner girl starts nagging, and wants pretty time, as I've gotten older, her voice has gotten louder.
Ignoring my inner girl for a month, my wife and kids notice my mood darkens and they all tell me to have some girl time.

So ya, I can give it up, but I will turn into a grumpy, depressed, angry and single old man - so I dress up instead.

Well, since you mention it, I can say that it has been a long time since I last built something that wasn't for a college project. And I guess I can agree about the grumpiness and I'm just in my 20's.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I think sometimes miss gave an example of how crossdressing urges reduced when he had an active and satisfying sex life. I find that sex reduces it for me as well, as does doing manly things I enjoy. Like many others here, I fin it is only temporary, but the fact that it reduces at all shows that the urge to crossdress is an effort to address some inner feelings that are also addressable by other things.

Suppression can't, and obviously doesn't, work because we are feeling it, and it comes from within. Suppression via purging just adds expense and inconvenience to futility.

I have found that simply accepting fully and appreciating and enjoying crossdressing without a shred of guilt or fear does wonders to reduce the compulsion- I am not starving, I am full, so 'eating' [dressing] is not critical, it is more casual and I can put it off without consequence until the hunger builds up.

So the cure- if there is one, will arise only if the many needs that are satisfied by crossdressing are satisfied by something else. Taking an experimental approach, changing things in our lives just to see what happens, may reveal some possibilities for you. It is easier than trying to understand our urge, but it can surprise us with help.

Maybe it is as simple as having sex with your wife in a new way that better addresses your feelings. Sex is so intimate that I think we want to feel trusting more than role playing, and I'm pretty sure that different sex would help me feel more at peace being a man.

I am pretty confident now that crossdressing is my way to feel authentic emotionally, to feel sexually desirable, to enjoy playing with clothing [I'm sewing the dresses and lingerie I've been jealous of, and to just break the bonds of compulsory role-playing in the binary gender mythology.

Phili, then what about when someone can't have sex in any way? Also, I once or twice tried to accept CDing, but every of those times when I least expected, guilt and shame arised once again.

[Tracii G]

Basically you can stop and if someone says you can't well that may not apply to you.
Maybe they can't but maybe you can and will.
You can if you want to but it takes effort on your part.
Some people fail to put effort in to anything they do so they get stuck in a certain defeatist mind set and think everyone is just like they are.
Thinking about something is fine but if you don't want to act on it thats just fine.

[Pixie_94]

It's rare for a CD to want to be cured. Spending less time cross dressing probably depends on why you cross dress in the first place. And why do you want to spend less time CDing or feel the need for a cure? Is it guilt, shame, embarrassment or something else?

I know, it might seem unusual. I haven't CDed in a long time and about your guesses, you nailed them (guilt, shame and embarrassment). Every time I want to do it again I can't help but feel guilty.

[Beverley Sims]

First of all do not purge your clothing, also if you find something more interesting that takes up part of your life, the desire to dress may be reduced.

[taylor12]

I know, it might seem unusual. I haven't CDed in a long time and about your guesses, you nailed them (guilt, shame and embarrassment). Every time I want to do it again I can't help but feel guilty.

For felling Guilty? I would never quite for that reason i quited because of embarrassment. As trying to look sexy makes my arm and shoulder muscles thin and loses the your strong male body.
If your are only feeling Guilty then you do not have any money problems so i donot see any reason why you have to stop.
Many try to stop either for their loved ones or financial issues. It is never a sin to wear women clothes.

[Ressie]

... you nailed them (guilt, shame and embarrassment). Every time I want to do it again I can't help but feel guilty.

I asked about the reason you CD too. If you cross dress because it's sexually arousing you're more likely to feel it's wrong than if you cross dress in order to feel relaxed. It seems most CDs that post here do it as a way to relax.

It's always been sexual for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it, because it is embarrassing. The arousal is so strong that I would never want to quit or find a cure. I just accept that it's a part of me and I don't have to share it with everybody. OTOH, it's been good to share it with a few select people.

If you really and truly want to quit, I would think purging would be necessary. Would you keep whiskey and cigarettes in the house if you were trying to quit drinking and smoking?

[Rayleen]

Here too, several times in my CD years, I have put my girly things away for different family reasons.
But in the back of my mind it was still there but as being busy with life, it kind of eased the tension.

As soon as things came back to a slower pace, and being retired, it was flashing back , wanting to dress again.

as with other said, its not for sexual need, more to express my inner feeling and being more me.

I don't feel shame , and my partner reassured me it was ok to express my inner feeling by dressing.

Rayleen.

[Angie G]

Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no cure for what is our Affliction. If you do purge you will be out there buying new things before you know it hun. And I think it just gets stronger as time go's by.
Angie

[Cheryllynn]

I'll just add to the chorus here in advising you not to purge- not only will you likely return to dressing at some point in the future- but at that point you would be faced with having to rebuild your "collection" of clothes. As we know that can get expensive, and/or fashions change and you might not be able to get what you like. Just stash it all away somewhere secure and know it will be waiting for you when you need it. Personally, I went through three purges and regretted every single one. It was only when I was older and gave the situation more thought that I declined to do so a 4th time. And I'm happy I didn't toss everything out, because here I am. There will be no more purges.
-Cheryllynn

[abby054]

Distraction and will power are the only cures that I know. Both are temporary.

Purging Is futile. It is expensive. Rather than purging, pack the stuff away. Your bank account will thank you.

[Tracii G]

Its amazing how many think tossing out clothes will stop them from CDing.
If you sit and think about it it seems a crazy notion.

[Cheryllynn]

Its amazing how many think tossing out clothes will stop them from CDing.
If you sit and think about it it seems a crazy notion.

Definitely. Everything is always clearer when looking back though...my first purge was around age 18...still remember taking those bags out to the dumpster. It certainly didn't eliminate the urge to CD....just made it more difficult the next time I wanted to do so.
-Cheryllynn

[Teresa]

Ressie,
That's something we shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty about, it's how it started for me, OK the first time was traumatic rather than pleasureable but I'm afraid the whole thing became intertwined beween the male and female side, , clothes and sex .OK I still I have AGP the love oneself as a woman syndrome. I don't feel ashamed or guilty about it's how it is and it never fuly went away , nowdays I do find it a frustrating distraction at times . The plus side was it never interferred with my relationship with GGs in fact it put th icing on the cake at times !

That's why I know I can't quit all that is locked permanently in my brain , once I came to terms with that I started to find a balance .

[donnalee]

Well, eventually, you die. As for the present, some of the suggestions here may work for you temporarily.

[Krisi]

I'll start by saying that if you're asking for advice on how to quit crossdressing, you've picked a poor place to ask. People who have quit dressing don't typically remain active on crossdressing forums. The people giving advice here have chosen to continue to crossdress.

Crossdressing is something you choose to do so you can choose not to do it. It's your choice. When you get up in the morning you have a choice - bra and panties or tee shirt and briefs. Make the right choice. And if you've been occupying your spare time dressing in women's clothes, take up a new hobby. Golf, fishing, etc.

[Pat]

Crossdressing is something you choose to do so you can choose not to do it. It's your choice.

If it is a choice, then I suppose you could choose not to do it. But for some it's not a choice, it's just a baked-in part of your identity. In that case, you can choose to resist but there will be consequences, just like people who resist their natural left-handedness often end up with learning disabilities. You can see the consequences of resisting all over this forum -- social anxiety, furtive lifestyles, etc.

[AshleyWalker]

Not to make light of it but I don't think that there is a 12 step program for Crossdressers. But just like Step 1 in the AA program once an alcoholic, you are always an alcoholic, you are a crossdresser and you will always be a crossdresser.

That being said there is some really good advice in this thread that I feel is coming mostly from actual experiences. Very few of us, if any, got our start crossdressing because our SO though it would be a great thing and fun for all.

Every person and every relationship, as similar as they may seem, are all different. What works for someone may not work for others.

You and your SO need to find a balance that is acceptable to you both. That may be that you have to be completely and totally in the closet, everything you own hidden somewhere in the house. She may allow you to have a few things but may never want to see you dressed or ever want to talk about it.

A majority of my Purges have been by my wife, at least 3-4 times until finally she realized that I wasn't a cheating pervert, that I loved her she loved me, I was a good provider and a great father and husband, but just like to look pretty sometimes.

I will say that after the first involuntary purge I had some stuff stashed deep that she couldn't throw away on me, namely my first pair of breastforms.

Those purges were very cleansing for her at the time and her tears lessened with each one until finally she said that 24 bras was too many you can have this drawer and you cant have more bras than me.

Now she let me preview her things before she gets rid of them to Goodwill.

Keep in mind this is over the span of 30+ years.

You can get a new bra, or dress, or even sneak on one of your wife's outfits, but finding a great partner and maintain a loving functioning relationship requires compromise.

Find the Balance

[Krisi]

If it is a choice, then I suppose you could choose not to do it. But for some it's not a choice, it's just a baked-in part of your identity. In that case, you can choose to resist but there will be consequences, just like people who resist their natural left-handedness often end up with learning disabilities. You can see the consequences of resisting all over this forum -- social anxiety, furtive lifestyles, etc.

That is what's called "enabling". Telling people that it's too hard to quit doing something (smoking, drinking, crossdressing) so it's OK to continue. None of us dressed in women's clothes until we did. We weren't conceived as crossdressers and we weren't born as crossdressers. In the womb we knew nothing about clothing. If a man wants to stop wearing women's clothes, he can, just like he can stop smoking, drinking, etc.

Again, a crossdressing forum is a poor place to get advice on how to quit crossdressing. Men who have quit aren't on crossdressing forums.

[Pat]

We weren't conceived as crossdressers and we weren't born as crossdressers.

It depends on the root of your crossdressing. You consistently claim that you are a hobbyist and not transgender and I'm not going to argue with you about how YOU feel. But there are transgender people who crossdress and they are born that way. For them (if not for you) it's not a choice. They have an inborn preference to perform within a different gender role -- doing that brings them happiness and resisting it brings stress. Saying this is not "enabling" -- it's saying it depends on the individual. Only the OP can decide if it's an inborn need or a hobby.

[DaisyLawrence]

Pat. I have to agree totally but Krisi is correct that this forum is not swimming with those people that have successfully quit or would even like to, so as she says, we are the least qualified to gives tips on how to do so!

[Dana3]

I'm left handed. Writing only. EVERYTHING else I do, is Right handed. In school from the first grade up?

I was "Trained" to use my Right hand.

I had my hand paddled with a twelve inch ruler! I had my left hand tied behind my back, so I couldn't use it to write, and was forced to learn how to write RIGHT handed.


I can and do write amberdexioy? With bitg either hand?

Right hand is very sloppy!

Left hand is very elegant, feminine, calligraphy, stylish, VERY cursive.

[Aunt Kelly]

That is what's called "enabling".

If we were talking about smoking, drinking, etc., you'd be right. According to the best information we have on the matter, it's not the same thing at all and I, for one, am tired of hearing that it is. When an alcoholic or an addict gives up his/her drug of choice he/she gets better. That is seldom the case when the TG person suppresses their nature. Yes, it varies wildly, but it is fair to say that there is a net increase in unhappiness. Yes, the relationship might be spared, the job maintained, etc., but not without cost. And yes, those things are important, but to have those things, the TG person often sacrifices part of his/her self. Equating that with addiction is a mistake.

[phili]

The closest I have come to 'quitting' is when I have had a day where I just completely feel that I am feminine when I am, and fully equal in opportunity to females to partake in anything I can of their world. At those moments I feel that clothes are superficial and while desirable, no longer are NECESSARY.

It is kind of hilarious that my overriding and demanding tapeworm of desire to crossdress can vanish so quickly. It is also tragic, suddenly all the cute clothes and girly behavior are just so much extraneous stuff, and all the drama becomes empty. I feel awful when it happens- sort of like the fun of life just vanished with it.

But it feels like the logical end of crossdressing, >>being a girl, but where feminine clothes just aren't appreciated.

Amazingly I accept it- I am a mirl, and like female girls I don't feel less of one just because I can't find places to wear particularly feminine clothes.

If I am completely honest, I value my inner identity more than dress up. If my inner identity as a mirl feels secure, then it seems like a loss, but a manageable loss not to have the oppty to dress in cute clothes, sort of like not having a good grocery store nearby with the things I like to eat.

All that said, however, I still want to dress up. I'm thinking that my desire it is driven by my feminine sexuality- when I am not working or otherwise preoccupied, I want to wear whatever signals that- and cute feminine outfits still do.

Words like 'quitting' are used when we have a compulsion to do something that has a negative consequence. Otherwise, we just stop doing whatever it is and don't need to talk or struggle with it.

Therefore the 'quitting' problem can be framed as either a need to reduce the negative consequence, or reduce our susceptibility to them.

Alternately, it may be that getting what we are wishing for changes our view of it, and then the whole problem changes either for better or worse.