I want it. No I don't.

[Littleg2]

Please don't be fooled by the title, this is not about me and what I want or don't want, it is about Monnica, my lovely CD'er.

We had a moment. (Yes, I am coming to you all because there was trouble in paradise, as predicted and so here I am... try to contain your "I told you so's" and please be kind.)

Monnica had shared something intimate with me, a desire she wanted to have come to life. I am, for the sake of respect for all other members and the public, not going to go into detail. If this doesn't make sense as is, and you think you need to know more to give better advice or whatnots, please feel free to PM me. I did my best to make this happen, I had a plan, it was detailed, and I had picked up some things we would need and started getting things into action. Part of the plan was to remove all of her male clothing, accessories, toiletries, and replace them with all her female things (and she has a lot).

I brought up, slowly (due to physical restrictions), 4 cases of "gear", emptied out the drawers, put the contents in storage, and replaced it with Monnica's stuff. So that after she got home from work, had a bath (I also snuck in when she was in the bath and took her male work clothes, etc. to hide) she would have nothing but female things to wear. Then there was more, but that's all I'll share.

M had messaged me earlier in the afternoon that her depression was bad and she wasn't feeling great about work and life, so i brought out a male change of clothes, laid them on the bed, and thought we could ease into the evening a bit first. This was a Saturday, and we had made plans for him to have Monnica time on Sunday (He wanted to clean the house for me dressed), so when he got home from work we went to Sephora and a couple places to pick up some things she thought she'd need, we went out for dinner, then went home.

M hopped in the bath and I thought she was relaxed enough that I could present her with what I'd done. I did leave out the male clothes, but added some femme things to wear underneath, so she could relax. I put other things in an envelope and marked it to her and not to be opened until Sunday morning at 10 am.

Well, it all went to crap, and fast, even though she said it was exceeded what she wanted initially, in the moment it was too overwhelming. We almost got into an argument, and she was going to leave, but started near panicking when she couldn't find her male things. I actually yelled at her "STOP LOOKING! They are all hidden. All you will find is your female clothes.". It was in that moment that it "clicked" for M, and she realized what I had done, the lengths I had gone to, and what I was trying to do for her.

It was upsetting to say the least her hard initial reaction. So, I started bringing out her male things from the basement and taking things down that I had put up. I told her we could put it all on hold until she was ready, but, she was terrified that because of how she reacted, she had scared me to the point that I wouldn't ever do anything like this for her again, because similar things had happened to her in her life with others, not even in femme mode.

I suppose, and I have to reiterate from my other threads here, I am the first fully supportive, understanding, willing partner Monnica has had. She has had all these things kept locked up in her mind, played them out, but never brought them to life, and as soon as it was real, it was overwhelming, even though she still wants it. Even now.

What is hard for me to get, unless I have hit the nail on the head above, is there more to it? Or has something like this ever happened to you? You were brought 99% of the way to something you wanted, something you have convinced yourself you wanted, dreamed about, desired, but don't know how to act or if you really want it when it's right in front of you? Cold Crossdresser Feet, perhaps?

Any insight, input or advice would be greatly appreciated, as always.

I just want to edit to add, after reading the first few (very kind and supportive) responses, that this was all detailed, and more, in an email that Monnica had just sent me the night before about something she really wanted to have done to her (her fantasy), but up until this point has never even attempted to share this with someone, let alone, act it out.

We did open the envelope at 10 am the next day, it included a list of house chores and some house rules (she's new to my place and I want her to know certain things and not come across as too demanding or Bit**y, so I thought this was a cute way). I am incapacitated right now, due to major back problems, and M offered to clean for me, but requested to do it dressed. I was trying to set it up so that both of would be happy with the scenario, not just have it all about her, since she wants me to be happy, too.

I just wanted to stress that to go this far, even hiding male clothing, was her idea, her concept, her fantasy. I was just bringing it to life. This was not sexual. Perhaps with innuendo undertones, but not intended for sex, as I can't right now.

I hope this helps, and I hope members that have already taken the time to respond read this as well.

Thank you,
-g
-g

[mykell]

hi -g,

for me you would be the equivalent to finding the holy grail.....but it wasnt a grail at all.

so much of what you write about seems to contain a sexual slant, sexual tastes vary, change, progress, and wane.

so your enabling monica to explore and maybe it is frightining monaca ??? maybe insted of being all in let monica set the pace, maybe the truth is hurting monica ???

[Shelly Preston]

hi littleg

Sometimes being presented with the reality when we are not quite ready can be terrifying.
I am sure like M a lot here have thought about not having male clothes. However the big step is not always that easy.

I think you will get to the point of no male clothes some time in the future. I know it took me a long time to get even close to that.

Most here are told not to rush things with there partner, but it is unusual for the partner to push things a little too quick.
Now M knows how far you are willing to go to help I am sure you will find a speed the is right for you both.

[LilSissyStevie]

The nice thing about a fantasy is that you get to be in complete control of how it unfolds. When someone else takes control of the fantasy, even when the fantasy is about someone taking control away, it's not quite the same.

[marsha leanne]

little leg,
first, you are an amazing woman and person. you are trying to put a new world together for your S O and still maintain your own universe. thank you.
My thoughts on this are fairly simple. Monnica may not yet be ready for total acceptance . i know from my own journey that even after i accepted the fact that my dressing was here to stay and it was part of me, i still had a very hard time putting that knowledge into everyday living. i had buried this part of me SO deep, So far away that it took months of dreaming of the ability to 'run around the house' dressed, before it actually happened. The fear of rejection, humiliation, desertion, and un-acceptance was so ingrained in my being that the very idea of being open about it was both a dream and a terrifying nightmare.
Monnica shared with you her 'dream' of being herself. you understood the need for dressing and relaxing, you did awesome! Confronted with a dream come true, of having time and a partner that was ready and willing, monnica came face to face with both her dream and all those years of hiding, shame, persecution. Yes, i think you are right, she went into 'overload'
My suggestion, is simply, back off a bit, let her know, there is no judgment, that you love her and want her to know that. then restart, and let her set the pace. all the gear, plans etc are in place, just do a 'redo' but at a pace set by her. my guess is that she will 'warm up' to the idea and things will move forward.
Instead of taking all her male duds, replace 1 drawer with monnica's things and let her pace herself. That male clothing, right now may be her saftey net, she can 'retreat' back into drab if she needs to.
i wish you both the absolute best. it will work out, you are on the right track.

[ClosetED]

Gina, thank you for being so supportive and open to learning.
I agree with the cold feet and loss of control as the likely problem. It is also fear that Monnica has, that we all have, that no woman could really love us for being this way. That it is just a matter of time before the woman does something to out us, embarrass us, leave us. Monnica may be scared of her own reaction because it shows lack of trust in you. And that is hard for her, and for you, to think about. But these fears have lived in us for decades. Maybe if the male clothes were just moved out of sight, or the transition was done slower so both could gauge the reaction.
Hope all works out for both of you. No matter what the ego says, the ID harbors fears that take a long time to quiet.
Hugs, Ellen

[Rhonda Jean]

I agree with Stevie. Maybe it was intended only as a fantasy.

On this depression thing, though... She needs to try to get that under control through professional/medical guidance. It is a separate thing from crossdressing, and likely won't be cured by crossdressing. Also, don't be manipulated by it. You seem very sympathetic and willing to do whatever to make her feel better. That's admirable, but if she were so inclined she could get you to do just about anything by claiming she was depressed.

Mykell remarked about the sexual slant to her "thing". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just realize that it's a complicating factor that exceeds merely crossdressing. That begs the question, what is merely crossdressing? Probably something along the lines of getting dressed and going to the mall. When you start heaping layers of fantasies and fetishes on top of that basic thing, I'm not sure you can get useful, pertinent advice on this board. Not that we're all vanilla. Hardly! It's just that there are too many directions and complications for the advice to be relevant.

[carhill2mn]

Hi Littleg,

Many of us here would think that you are almost too good to be true! We would be thrilled to have someone like you in our lives. I suspect that Monica's fantasy was just that, a fantasy. It sounds like she is not really ready to live only as a woman. Since she is feeling depressed about some things, such a big decision maybe just over whelmed her.

However, your continued support at a lesser level would still be great. Time does bring about changes.

[aprilgirl]

Reality rarely, if ever, measures up to one's fantasies. I believe that's true in a forced feminization scenario (that's what Monnica was wanting, a 24/7 scenario, right)? Well, it's not going to happen, in spite of your gracious efforts to accommodate M's fantasies. What I don't understand is why Monnica just didn't go along with what you arranged, for a day or two. Did she really believe there was no turning back? If I had to guess, she probably felt guilty over making the request in the first place, and after seeing all the trouble you went to prepare, just added to that guilt. Until Monnica realizes that it's just fantasy, and that your okay with playing along, I wouldn't fret over it. All either of you can do is be yourselves, and do what you feel comfortable doing as a couple.

[Dana44]

I have to say you had a nice night planned. But she harbors fears and it takes a lot of communication to work some of these problems out. The hard day at work may have out her in a bad mood. Try calling him and telling him at work and what you are going to do on a night like that.

[Jenn26]

All the responses are really good and spot on, you are amazing and the total support of M's desires are incredible.

That said, I am relatively new to this myself. One of the first things that I needed to do was to see where on this great spectrum of CD do I fit in. This wasn't to make sure there were specific boxes for me to sort out who belongs in which one, but for me to understand for MYSELF where I am and where I want to go with it. So my question for you, and M for that matter, did you all get specific enough on your destination? Could there be a miscommunication and therefore missed expectations on where M sees this going and where you "heard" where this was going?

If this were me, I would absolutely FREAK OUT if I came out of the bath expecting a little fun dressing time over the weekend, and be confronted with the absolute loss of my male persona that I have lived with for 26 years. That may be where I mature and grow into, but that is NOT where I am now. Perhaps M was experiencing the same thing. Perhaps you were TOO good and ideal, and the timing was just a little off.

My hope and prayer is that you all sort through this and become stronger as a couple. Good luck.
Jenn

[Tracii G]

Carole in post #8 makes a valid point and a lot of sense.

Please don't get offended but guys don't like having their stuff messed with so I think you struck a nerve there and learned the hard way what can happen.
Your intentions were good but packing away all his male stuff would cross the line with me too.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Think about that.
Women think differently so while he may be struggling with his girl side he is still a man so he doesn't think like you do so moving his stuff out and girl stuff in would be a big shock.
You are awesome but I think you are pushing a bit too hard trying to please that side of him while rejecting his male side.
Again your intentions were OK but M IMO isn't quite ready yet and need to do some soul searching.
What does she really want ? That has got to come from her so be accommodating and not pushy.
Its something she has to do on her own when it comes to accepting herself.

[docrobbysherry]

No one knows what's in M's mind but her. If she won't tell u, u may never find out!

But, let me tell u that sex and sexual fantasies r deeply interwoven into my dressing. I originally wished to involve a GG partner in them when I first began dressing 20 years ago. But, that never happened and it never will now. My "fantasies" have evolved into very private, complex plot lines involving Sherry and/or other females that r too personal to share. And, when I dress to bring one of these deeply personal fantasies to life? Having anyone else around would ruin my sensual mood!

I don't know if M has similar private, sexual fantasies? But, if they r as kinky and deeply ingrained as mine r? It may be very hard for her to discuss them. Much less involve someone else in them.

[Teresa]

LL,
I would suggest if Monnica wants to act out her fantasies you leave her to do them, let her take the male things away and replace them with femme ones. That way she has no one to blame and can always back track on it . I understand you want to be part of it and it was wonderful what you did for her , I'm sure many of us would love that fantasy of only being able to dress in female clothes because all the male one had been hidden away .

Somehow you are going to have to break this fanatsy lifestyle, Monnica can't keep trying to run away like this , she is going to have to find help to settle the situation down , I don't think it's a lifestyle you can keep up , surely you want other things in your life as well . Maybe you do need to find a pastime or interest you can both share which doesn't relate to CDing in any shape or form .

I don' like DADT and I'm not suggesting it but perhaps it's time to make some ground rules , Monnica isn't a child so perhaps you should stop treating her like one .

[2BArianwen]

Hi Littleg. You are an amazing person - wow! As much as it was Monica's fantasy, maybe she felt overwhelmed because she was the one who was not in control any more? Up until now, she has had all the control on how much, and when, Monica is revealed. Maybe, it was not the surprise itself (which was wonderful of you!), but the shock of realizing that she had no power in this, especially when she couldn't locate her drab clothes. IDK - just a thought. It'll be perfect next time!! Rian x

[sometimes_miss]

The nice thing about a fantasy is that you get to be in complete control of how it unfolds. When someone else takes control of the fantasy, even when the fantasy is about someone taking control away, it's not quite the same.

^This. As others mentioned too, reality just never matches the fantasy, no matter how much you try. And the panic that can be felt when all of a sudden, there's no escape from the fantasy is taken away, feels horrible and the anxiety is tremendous. Many years ago, I mailed the key to my padlocks to myself, expecting it to arrive the next day since I mailed it from our own post office. I locked myself into a girl outfit, something completely inappropriate (a sissy maid's dress, petticoat, cute flowered locking collar, stockings & heels, the whole nine yards & more). I felt fine, knowing that the key was to arrive the next day. Still, as night time came, and I couldn't change back or free myself, I became anxious, thinking of what might happen should the house go on fire or something.
The next day when the key didn't come in the mail, my anxiety level started to increase. By the time it arrived the next day, I was a nervous wreck; my 'safety valve' of leaving another key in my car (which was parked a distance from my house) would mean I would have to go out in my fancy girl clothes & assorted sissy accoutrements.
The 'no turning back' feeling just might be the issue. Only by discussing it with your SO will you be able to find out. Good luck.

[Tracii G]

Wow sometimes miss why on earth did you do that?
I assume the fantasy was to get caught?
Thats an over the top fantasy for sure.

[CONSUELO]

Dear Little g,

Lots of good advice here. I would just reinforce what was said by someone else and that is the depression needs treating. You can try your Dr. who will just prescribe an anti-depressant but the better thing to do would be to find a good psychologist as Monnica needs to open up about herself and understand herself first.
I noted that she panicked on finding that her fantasy was realized and that she only had female clothing. Given that the fantasy was hers and she knew it was being played out I find that onset of panic to be an indication of something else going on. The psychologist may help her find that.

I think all of us here are hoping that this all works out. You have made considerable sacrifices to help Monnica but she may still have some "demons" from her past that she needs to excise.

[Tracii G]

Well said Consuelo.
Try to seek help for the issue with a psychologist and not medicate because medication just masks the problem and doesn't fix it. Plus it causes problems for some.

[TheHiddenMe]

I will echo the others; you are being very supportive and Monnica should be very appreciative, even if her reactions are always not what you would suspect them to be.

Here's my thoughts.

1. As to the fantasy of having only female clothes, or being forced to dress in female clothes, is one I share. It's a little mental game. It's not me that is choosing to dress; it's person X that is making me dress (even though it's what I want). As someone else is making me dress, I won't feel guilty about dressing (it's similar to losing a bet to someone and having to dress up). In the past, my wife (at my request) would occasionally put my girl clothes out for me; a full outfit, undies, hose, shoes, etc. That was implicit to me that I had permission to dress.

2. As to the cold feet, I can relate. Over 10 years ago, I found out about a trans-party nearby at a house (via the interwebs). My family was away, so I got dressed and went. I was there for about 15 minutes, and all of the sudden felt extremely uncomfortable, and so I quickly left. I was doing something that I wanted to do for the longest time (get out dressed), and for some reason I got spooked. It was probably another seven or eight years before I had the chance/desire to go out again. So even though this was what Monnica "wanted", the reality of what she "wanted" may have been overwhelming, like it was for me.

Most of us have a long history of repressing our desires; it will just take Monnica a while to unrepress (not a word) the guilt of doing what she wants to do.

Be patient, as you have been, and good luck. Moving forward is often a two steps forward, one step back process.

[Aunt Kelly]

Rule number one in fantasy "scenes", is that all players understand the game and agree to the "rules". What you did was more akin to forcing a cross-dresser out of the closet, for real. I know that you meant well, and bless your understanding and supportive heart for that, but you must understand that you took control away from someone who had not agreed to give it. It might have gone differently if you had made it "safe" for your partner, by dropping clues about what you intended. Nothing to give away the delicious details, but enough to make it clear that you were going to be in control for a time. With that understanding, he might have ceded that control gratefully. As it was, and with his predisposing state, he probably felt trapped, betrayed, out of control.
So talk. Start with an abject apology about your mistake and the grief it caused. If he's any sort of decent human, he'll recognize that it was just a well-meant mistake. From there, it sounds like it's time for some sharing and understanding.

Good luck to you, my dear.

[Littleg2]

First of all, I want to thank you all for your comment so far. I guess I was looking for some insight to see if this type of thing had happened to any of you with your SO and how to best navigate it.

Second, and I can't stress this enough... I was only playing out what Monnica had sent me in an email that she wanted to do with me/have me do for/to her.

I did not hide ALL her male clothing. After M told me that HE wasn't having the best day, I laid out some comfortable pants (men's) socks, a hanes tank top and men's T-shirt. I did put out a matching bra and panty set if she chose to put them on underneath, but I did NOT want to force her at this point, because of how I knew HE was feeling from the long day.

I was super confused to the point I was crying because I felt I was doing EXACTLY what she wanted and detailed in the email. I felt terrible for overwhelming her. Awful. I thought he was going to leave and quite possibly never come back. It went bad, fast. And out of control faster. He didn't yell or get angry, but extremely frustrated, and the more M looked for male things and kept opening up drawers of female things, I could feel M getting even more anxious; like a cat in a cage.

We talked about it a great deal that night, shared our feelings, M did not leave. I switched everything back as quickly as I could so we could just reverse, forget and move on.

Third, as for M and the depression. M does take antidepressants, has talked to a counselor, but also suffers from SAD (Seasonal Depression Disorder), and the more fluctuations in temperatures in the Spring and Fall, the harder it is for M to control. I hope you all get that.

I misread the moment. It was not the right time. So we came up with a code word that night to use at any time, a "safe" word, if you will, that will cancel out any previous messages or plans and we will just take it easy and try things again another day. I am trying. And so is M.

I just wanted to see if this is something that seems to be out there, and it does, so thank you for replying and for the continued positivity and support.

-g

[Beverley Sims]

I hope you both sort this out as it looks like a good relationship could develop here.

Maybe it was too much too soon.

[LaurenS]

This one. I can vouch for it. Took me years to get over the guilt and what’s wrong with me, even though my wife was very accepting and tolerant.

you two will be fine, but in this case, it seems you have to wait for”M” to catch up, instead of the other way around.

i’ll just Throw this cliche out FWIW: Life is short, enjoy it while you can. She’d the fear of guilt and worrying what others think and be the best you you can.

[Asew]

Even though this surprise was too much for her at the moment, at least she knows you support this goal and she will feel more free to get to that goal knowing already that you support her in it. Perhaps the goal was part fantasy and in reality she only wants to partially go towards that goal. Or perhaps she knows what she wants but this is too big of a step and would rather take small steps to ease in. Just keep supporting her and talking and you two will figure this out.