Hi ladies. Please bear with me, as I have an extremely hard time putting my thoughts and emotions to words.
I am well familiar with the feelings and effects of the "pink fog" as it comes and goes. And I'm quite fine with it all. It's part of me, and it's who I am. But recently, as each bout of 'the fog' rolls in, it seems it's stronger and more powerful than the last. (Actually, it's been pretty steady for the past year or two). It seems to subside only for a week or two at best, but stays with me longer when it rolls on in.
It used to be more like the other way around.
Physically, I can feel it. Like in the pit of my stomach. Emotionally, I feel like my fem side has been hammering to get out. Or, like there's a conflict between both sides, male and female.
I always thought it was more than "just the clothes", but sometimes I wonder, just how much more?
For the record, I'm perfectly fine with the body I was born with. I have no desire to physically transition, or seek any type of hormonal therapy. (I know, I must sound like I'm contradicting myself). But being a guy isn't all that bad... most of the time. I've always been able to maintain a good balance.
In the interest of full disclosure, I can pretty much chalk up most of these overwhelming feelings to stress. Both physical, and financial. The wifey's acceptance level to my dressing has dropped slightly from 100% to about 95%. Totally understandable as she shares the same stresses that I do. Opportunities to dress are still relatively the same, about once per week. And that's fine with me.... But I do find myself needing more.
I suppose in a way, I'm answering my own question. I am, of course, the only one that can answer it.... Except this blender of emotion that has me almost in tears lately, seems to come from within, not from any one external source.
If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I actually feel somewhat better just spending the hour it took me to process things and type them out. lol
Samm