6 months and in from telling all

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi all,

So im gonna keep this short and sweet.

I revealed all to my wife 6 months ago. Remembering I'm keeping this tale short and sweet I feel I have done all that can be done to do things the right way remembering I have brought this on us both.

Things have been tough, no doubt. However she has stuck in there but doesn't want to know :-(

Anyway.

Im gonna speak with my sister next week and spill the beans to her. I feel I need an outlet but again I feel I'm ready for others to know.

I'm not scared or worried about this anymore, it's me and good riddance to those who don't believe also.

This will be a lifelong journey, but I'm kitted up and ready to go x

Tammy

[kimdl93]

Be patient with your wife and sister. You have a right to be heard and an obligation to listen.

[Helen_Highwater]

Tamsin,

Does your SO know you're going to reveal yourself to your sister? It could be that she'll feel a little uncomfortable if your sister raises the subject in conversation. She may feel stigma by association, awkwardness in having this secret out there. It might be worth running it past her in order to avoid causing waves.

[Alice B]

Well done

[Ally 2112]

Hoping the best for you !

[chelyann]

Tamsin,
you say your wife does not want to know , how does she feel about you coming out to other people ?
this maybe the last straw for her telling other people and you maybe heading down divorce highway ,
I wish you luck ...

[Stephanie Julianna]

It does sound like you are heading down the transgendered road. If that is not what you are thinking that may be what it sounds like to others. Is that what you want? There is no turning back when you tell all. I told my sister about my dressing enfemme back in my 30's and it destroyed our relationship. It has been a struggle for my wife but she loves me and tolerates it. Just give it a lot of thought before you tell your suster and I would ask your wife for her opinion.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sure if your wife "doesn't approve", she'll be thrilled with your unilateral decision to let others know?

[Stephanie47]

It's interesting in a post of less than a week ago you stated you would consult with your wife before heading off to human resources to discuss your goals and aspirations. Now you're ready to throw caution to the wind and yell from the roof tops. "It's me and good riddance to those who don't believe also" sounds as if you're heading to the land of unforeseen consequences.

[DaisyLawrence]

Maybe I'm just an old romantic but I think there is meaning to the word 'significant' in significant other. I would NEVER make a unilateral decision about anything so impotant without the prior agreement of my wife. Does yous know you are doing this and is she happy? It's a funny thing marraige, what I don't understand is why people who enter into a marraige think they are free individuals afterwards. You're not, you're in a literal partnership, one of give and take and compromise for the greater good of the partnership. It's like two companies merging, after the merger there is only one board making the decisions for the whole company, the other boards are disolved. I would read this line again if I were you: "I'm not scared or worried about this anymore, it's me and good riddance to those who don't believe also". Are you prepared to say good riddance to your wife and sister?

[Teresa]

Tamsin,
I know we get to this point in our lives when we do question our direction , I'm not sure how long you've been married but something hits us at this age bracket and we need to stand back and see where your personal life is going. I see it now as a twenty year cycle, it appears to hit even harder in our sixties .

I'm inclined to agree with Helen on this point , despite the promises sisters and family especially will talk about these issues, I assume you have considered that before you posted your thoughts . I've just had a long conversation with my sister in law, she reminded me that I had some pictures which she asked to see. OK she was very surprised not entirely what she expected , maybe she was expecting more of a MIAD look , instead she admitted she would pass me in the street without realising .So if you go this route with your sister be prepared for the unexpected , she may be impressed enough to tell people how good you look . It's not what our partners want to hear when they are still trying to cling on to the husband and father they married .

Again it's been said before but once something has been said there's no going back , I know you feel you don't care anymore and I'm inclined to agree but there are areas where still treading carefully pays off .

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Hi...I was discovered several years ago. I discussed it with my wife, a psychologist and few people in 12 Step groups. With all of these individuals, the teller has to feel a feel that something is wrong. Hopefully, this will make life understandable and everybody will struggle along, being better people.

Tra-la-la la la.

I am a secretive person. I’m a little queer, as my daughter affectionately calls herself and very secretive. My whole long and reasonably successful life has been secretive. This is how it is. Those clothes that I agreed to put away for a month are still away. No conversation ever happened with my wife later. She hardly needs to know anything more. And I dress at home while writing and playing music.

Robbin is my secret personality. I am much happier that way. That’s me.

Love and kisses....

[Ressie]

Since your wife has known for 6 months, isn't it possible that she has already told your sister? Most women need to share personal problems with someone, usually a best friend. good luck with your coming out.

[CarlaWestin]

I'm sure if your wife "doesn't approve", she'll be thrilled with your unilateral decision to let others know?

Yeah, Sherry gets it. Here's a quote from another post where I warned about the intoxication of disclosure. (The desire is the acceptance feedback which may or may not be genuine.)

I've found out recently that we seem to attract to the feedback of amazement when we disclose our true gender position.
I've come to understand that, in general, society is about 20-30 years behind the gender expression acceptance curve.

Sounds like you've moved an established relationship into DADT which also has varying degrees. Take it slow and with caution.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi all,

When I told my wife about my big secret 6 months ago I also said I thought it would be a good idea that she chose someone she could confide in. She did that and it has given her an outlet if she needs it. I didn't want to unburden my secret to her and leave her where I was for so many years.

We talked alot the other night and I suggested that I speak to someone close to me and she said if it's what I need then she wouldn't stop me.

We talked more and although she is still no nearer to wanting to be part of it she would make more time for me to do my thing if I thought I needed it. I said I felt it would and the conversation stayed calm.

I had the opportunity to discuss things with my sister but a few days of thinking over the conversation with my wife led me to keep things as they are. I did tell my sister I needed to talk to her but the said I had worked it out so it was ok. I didn't go into detail with her but she said if I ever did need to speak I just need to let her know. I wholeheartedly believe she doesn't know.

The two people who do, my wife and her chosen confidant are not likely to talk to others either.

I appreciate all the responses and all have given me angles to think about.

I really am trying to do the right things for all involved in this but can see how my perceived attitude towards all this could look selfish. But on a selfish note I need someone to talk to aswell and I suppose it hurts a little that it can't be my wife. I will keep chipping away never forgetting that she didn't want any of this in the first place.

Just a note about my previous posts, I do use this platform to pretty much say what's on my mind at the time. I can see that it may look confusing as to my intentions, but you peeps are all I have and it's good for me to express myself as I find I can become very down if I can't and that's not fair on anyone including me

Thanks again,

Tammy

[Teresa]

Tamsin,
The selfish label goes both ways at times it's difficult to say who is the guilty one at times . You need to talk to someone , we all know that feeling . OK take it to the extreme scenario , I came out to my wife twenty years ago, things didn't go too well , I felt so cut of, unloved and isolated and almost eneded my life, now was that a selfish act ? I console myself with the knowledge that it wasn't premeditated, but vowed after that that nothing was going to take me back dwon that road . So if I'd succeeded how would my wife have felt , guilty or selfish ?

You have to take care of your own needs , so you can function and be the right person for others around you , if the label is selfish then I'm afraid we have to be that sometimes for the sake of ourselves and others . Some would say my separation is a selfish act but sticking to it means both my wife and myself are happier, we parted amicable rather than punished each other staying together. Our children won't have those pieces to pick up we may be living apart but we are still both there for our children and grandchildren .

When I first came out to my wife I told her she could dicsuss it with who she liked if it helped her, importantly I added who she discuused it with and what was said was none of my business unless she chose to tell me .

My net is so wide now it's difficult to say who knows and who doesn't, the point is it makes no difference to how I feel and my needs , it's not going to stop me feeling as I do and dress as I feel the need .

[Beverley Sims]

I would really think this one out, there are ramifications if it fails.