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Thread: First (Big) Step to Gender Therapy and support

  1. #1
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    First (Big) Step to Gender Therapy and support

    I did it.
    After much consideration and thinking about where I am on the Spectrum (yes, you know; the transgender spectrum). It was time to seek more professional guidance and counseling.

    I went to my first meeting for a transgender support group. It was a weekly "come as you are" support group for TGs. Walk-ins were welcomed.
    At first I had no deliberate plan to attend. I had a full and busy schedule (of baseball) that always seemed to interfere with the weekly start time (6:30P) at the GLBT Center (of Denver). On this particular day my game ended quickly and the field was not far from The Center. So I left on my umpire clothes and made it to the meeting.

    Everyone attending was en femme (of course) except for me (who just dashed from my baseball field). One young woman (a lad of about 18-19) was there in Guy Mode. He/She (didn't have a femme name) had been kicked out by parents and relatives, needed a job; needed a place to stay [ currently living with friends] and was desperate for help and support in beginning her journey.

    The "usual crowd" of attendees must have thought me some kind of lunatic, crashing their meeting. Here I was in basically the most "guy" clothing (black t-shirt, grey slacks; noting femme) I could find, and all the girls were dressed. The group was about 20 T-girls; all in various stages of transition. Some post-op. Some getting ready to op. Some taking their first steps and some in stable transitions that will go no further.

    Best of all, they accepted me ALL. I introduced myself to the group, and provided the shortest version of my Long Story I could narrate. Heads nodded. Yes, they'd heard much of this before. Their "surprise" turned. They could see (I believe) I was a kindred spirit at the least.

    After almost 3 years of being serious about my crossdressing, and recognizing that it has gone WAY beyond just dressing up. It's a part of the fabric of my being. I know I need professional help and I've been reluctant to find it. Transition is not something that The Wife wants to hear about. None of it (yet).
    I don't have a definite plan or vision for a medical or surgical transition. I leave open all possibilities, though, depending on what I learn via support groups, discussions and counselors. I feel that I'm already "transitioning" in my own mind and have been for the last 3 yrs and beyond (since coming out). If you crossdress, you've made a transition already. I have.

    This was my first steps into a professional facility that staged professionally guided assistance. Next step is to find a good gender counselor. I need to and want to take is slowly still; checking myself and motivations every step along the way. I figure the speed of "hair growth" is about the speed I should slowly and gradually transition to living as a woman.

    I felt very good about the meeting and the connections. Next time I will go en femme. Let the others know I'm for "real". It's a foot in the door and a step on the path. Never felt so good about where my life is going with my re-discovery; not in a long time.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  2. #2
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    Ilene, I can hardly express how much i love and admire this post. You have my full admiration. And I can guarantee you that wherever this path leads it will be to a richer and more authentic life. Please keep us updated!

  3. #3
    Queen of Chinatown jennifer0918's Avatar
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    Good for you IIlene so happy for you

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Ilene,

    I hope things work out for you in whatever you decide.

    I remember in September of 2015 going to my first trans discussion group at the LGBT center in the Hillcrest area of San Diego. That led to Beginning hormone therapy in November of 2016, name/gender change in March of 2017, then full-time in June of 2017. Now I hope to have SRS by the end of 2018.

    Like you I started my journey as a crossdresser. Thought being able to out dressed once or twice a month would be great. Over 5 years ago, I never expected to be where I am now. Like you crossdressing led me to confront who I am. For me since childhood, I have tried to run away from it.

    Before even starting transitioning, like you I was checking myself and my motivations along the way. Making sure this was right for me. Making sure I could handle living as a woman. Whatever you decide, make your own decisions, do not let people push you one way or the other. Now of course you should seek advice and counsel, but you make decisions you are comfortable with. Not having a spouse or SO definitely made my decision easier.

    Transitioning is tough and requires sacrifice, but for some of us it is the only satisfying way.

    Maybe you find a path not leading to transitioning, and if you can find happiness then that is good.

    Take Care,
    Grace
    Last edited by grace7777; 04-28-2018 at 11:58 PM.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Ilene,
    You have taken the first of many steps on a long journey, if you decide that way.

    Meanwhile, step two go dressed to the next meeting and establish yourself.

    I also wish you all the best in what you do.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  6. #6
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    Ilene,
    Thanks for sharing your first step and the support group's acceptance. I really should seek out a support group in my area too. Good luck moving forward.

  7. #7
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    Ok, I'm going to be somewhat of a downer but I am compelled to add caution to the mix.

    Support groups can be good and a worthwhile resource but they also are not impartial. You're talking about making some life changing decisions and everyone there is going to recommend jumping off the cliff with them. You wrote that all of the group was in various stages of transitioning while you don't know where your journey is going to lead. Keep your options open and make the decisions "you" want, not what the group wants you to do.

    You mentioned that your wife is not on board with transition. This is a very large issue which has to be considered in any decision you make. From personal experience this may be viewed very negatively by the group.

    As you mentioned you NEED to talk to a Therapist who deals with gender issues. Finding one that knows what they're doing and relates to you is going to be the problem. Many therapists don't know anything about gender issues. You wind up teaching them! Not a great situation.

    I wish you well on your journey, whichever road you decide to travel.

  8. #8
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Ilene, thank you so much for such an enlightening and positive post. I've been inspired to, once again, attempt to find a suitable support group here in Las Vegas once again.
    Last edited by CarlaWestin; 04-30-2018 at 07:25 AM.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  9. #9
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    Ilene,
    A good start but as Linda noted while the support group will help you should not use the advice heard there as the sole support for future major decisions. The next step is a good and experienced counsellor/therapist who will help you through the next several stages.
    In the meantime enjoy the support group and I hope you make a lot of friends there. As Beverley said, go dressed the next time.

  10. #10
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    I wish you well on your journey, IleneD!

  11. #11
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Linda E. Woodworth View Post
    Ok, I'm going to be somewhat of a downer but I am compelled to add caution to the mix.

    Support groups can be good and a worthwhile resource but they also are not impartial. You're talking about making some life changing decisions and everyone there is going to recommend jumping off the cliff with them. You wrote that all of the group was in various stages of transitioning while you don't know where your journey is going to lead.

    You mentioned that your wife is not on board with transition. This is a very large issue which has to be considered in any decision you make. From personal experience this may be viewed very negatively by the group.

    As you mentioned you NEED to talk to a Therapist who deals with gender issues. Finding one that knows what they're doing and relates to you is going to be the problem. Many therapists don't know anything about gender issues. You wind up teaching them! Not a great situation.
    Good advice as I see the situation ! Your life situation is far different than most that are at these support meetings ! You have had a long marriage and have a complex lifestyle. You wife has earned the right to grow old with you. For years,she never knew if you would make it back alive,so i suspect she wants you to be around now. Perhaps with the right gender specialist you can design a better life that your wife can get onboard with. Beware of teaching Dr Costalot .. I have always thought from your posts that you have had unrealistic expectations based on your situation.
    Last edited by Rogina B; 04-29-2018 at 10:35 AM.

  12. #12
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    seems like a prudent approach. I have yet to attend my first official gender therapy session...work got in the way. My goal is simple and limited: to find a way to accommodate my need to present as a woman within the limits of the other demands of my life.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  13. #13
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Ilene, never been to such a meeting my self, but sounds like it was a great experience for you.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  14. #14
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    Ilene,
    I found meeting others very quickly brought a balance to my CDing , actually seeing how others dress and behave , it's also good to talk to TSs, whether you envy them or wonder if truly that is what you want. It's good to see you now consider the stages of transition , as you say you are already on that road but you also have the sense to say I can step off at any point . That's is how I now see it, don't be pressured, decide what you want considering all the circumstances. I know how much you wish to stay in your marriage , I reached the point where I knew I couldn't live without it and my wife couldn't live with it , so far it's working out OK we are good friends but I know there's no going back into that relationship again , we are both more content and happy .

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Ilene,
    I have been following your journey and have utmost respect for how you are thinking this through. As I read about your experiences and the experiences of others on this site, I am always comparing to my situation; especially where I similarities to my own life. I've learned a lot here.
    I had some of the same concerns as Linda and Rogina wehn I read your posting. Perhaps that is because my concerns for my relationship with my wife tempers my actions (often, not as much as she would like). However, you have to figure out what is best for you. No one here or in your support group can do that for you. I think you already know that.
    Like most challenges in life, positive change usually comes along with losing something else, and hanging on to something we want to keep, can hold us back from going somewhere we also want to go. I've realized that we can't get everything we want, in many aspects of life, including , for most of us on this site, our gender non-conformance. We can only do our best to choose the best course of action.
    I'm wishing you peace and happiness in your journey. I'll be rooting for you from the sidelines.
    -Gracie

  16. #16
    MissSwissMiss LexiNexi's Avatar
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    People often forget or don't know that taking the hormones or getting surgery is all they have to do. For me the pills are just half of it. Weekly therapy with an LGBT threrapist are just as important.

    Good for you! and going dressed as a guy is OK they can see that you are still at the beginning!
    [COLOR="#800080"]Visit my *NEW site with pictures and not much (it's still new, lots to come) more!

  17. #17
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I can offer no words that would add to the comments before mine, so, Ilene, just picture a big smile on my face. I am so happy to see hear that you have taken this step.

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  18. #18
    Neanderthal in nylons Julie Denier's Avatar
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    Best wishes in your journey

  19. #19
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Very happy you are finding your peace!
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexiNexi View Post
    People often forget or don't know that taking the hormones or getting surgery is all they have to do. For me the pills are just half of it. Weekly therapy with an LGBT threrapist are just as important.

    Good for you! and going dressed as a guy is OK they can see that you are still at the beginning!
    Your comments are so wrong ! There is more than one person involved here !

  21. #21
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Ilene

    I have never been to a support meeting, but I have gone to several gender therapists over the years, and many of my MDs have been "read into the program" or have seen me with long fingernails or painted toenails.

    I have been in a number of TG social groups. I've often talked about the DC trans ladies meetup group that I'm in. In fact, we had a meetup last night with over 50 girls participating, and as usual several new girls, including one for whom it was first time out in public.

    Again, as most of you know, my wife of almost 40 years is not with the program. When we married, we swore, "Until death do we part." The boy me took that oath, and he plans to keep it. I have no plans currently to consider transition, mainly because of the oath I took. My wife and I always agreed to grow old together, and that we will do.

    Under different circumstances I might consider transition more actively. But right now, it's off the table. While it might be better for me, it would not be better for us.

    So, my word to you is to think very carefully before you "drink the lemonade." Don't not do it, but think carefully about it.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Joann0830's Avatar
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    I am 69 Years with issues since I was 7 that I can recall . After all these issues which I Faced and Dodged I realized that I am who I am and Know I should have bee born a Girl and at 69 almost 70 in August that I now am seeking help and wanting to dress and appear as I should be a Woman. I called my insurance Company and explained to them my issue of Gender Dysphoria and I am now seeing a Clinical Therapist who has helped me to realize that all my years that I was always trying to please my Father and Mother and Brothers . I now know that I was not TRUE to myself and not being Happy. I go to her office dressed as I should be and have openly spoke to members of my family and some friends and told them of myself, I do get the question many times How did I deal with this for all these years. I have never felt as Kimdl93 as stated feeling guilty and shamefully being different, the only feeling I have had is I should have corrected this issue Many Years ago. I was married have two Daughters and my Wife knew about it but stood by me as My Wife and Best Friend and both my Daughters know and one of them is there with me at the Psychologist Office to help me . I will say I am here for anyone who is going through what I have went through
    Joann0830
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  23. #23
    How did that happen ? Samantha2015's Avatar
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    Congrats Ilene, wishing you all the best.
    Hugs
    Samantha

  24. #24
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    I used to belong to The Connecticut Outreach in Hartford back in the '90's into this century. However, I found that the group was slowly morphing into a group that were starting to transition as many either were not married or slowly divorcing. Being married with children I found myself partially surrounded by people encouraging me to be "true to myself" and consider transitioning. I had already done all that and had decided to stay married and close to my kids while juggling my femme self when I could. So I drifted away. That is why I will be trying to help form a social group here in CT for those of us who want a more balanced approach to enjoying our time dressing. If you have sort of decided to transition than I think support groups are wonderful and I actually recommend them since that is not an easy path and help is really important to have.

  25. #25
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rogina B View Post
    ....... Your life situation is far different than most that are at these support meetings ! You have had a long marriage and have a complex lifestyle. You wife has earned the right to grow old with you. For years,she never knew if you would make it back alive,so i suspect she wants you to be around now. ...... I have always thought from your posts that you have had unrealistic expectations based on your situation.
    Rogina,

    Thank you for whacking me between the eyes with a 2 x 4. I needed that.
    Trust me. I truly appreciate your perspective, or what may be considered a counter-perspective. It rings so true, and I like the way you phrased it.
    Indeed, she has earned the right to grow old on something of her own terms (hopefully with me). I'm certain I am among many forum sisters who have contemplated, even been tempted, by the allure of transition into our femme selves. The only real obstacle is Real Life; the marriages, relationships and careers we enjoy.
    People are not disposable to me, especially this woman who has been by my side for so long and through so much. Yes, she and that relationship are the priority. Next, is my own peace of mind and soul with being more of myself. If I must make a sacrificial choice between the 2 lives, I will remain with her and my family.

    I'm going to this "transition" group not so much to be supported through a FULL transition. It is more a way for me to get a foot in the door of this community. To find connections and resources, and then hopefully move into more professional help in sorting out my late life gender identity issues. I believe and feel I am transgendered. The question is WHAT TO DO about it; and how far to take it. Professional help will help determine "is this real" and what kinds of reasonable "treatments" are there for the dysphoria that can hopefully preserve as much of my existing wonderful life as possible.
    Asking too much?

    BTW.... I am intrigued by you commend about having unrealistic life expectation. PM me some time. I'd love to hear you expound on that theme.
    One of the reasons I love and value this forum, Rogina, is that not everyone tells you what you want to hear. Sometimes you hear what you need to hear. Unlike a "support group" which is decidedly PRO-transition all the way, this forum has voices of experience and wisdom. I believe there's a few sisters here who have been very tempted and wanted transition with all their heart, only to get right up to the edge before deciding to proceed with their Old Life (and CD). I've not decided upon a final destination. Still reading the road signs.
    Thanks Rogina.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

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