I have sat on the fence for what appears to be a lifetime.
If I'm honest with myself I perhaps haven't met the traditional standards of gender identity disorder, in that I haven't had a clear sense since my earliest days of being a woman in a man body. It just hasn't been that black and white for me. In many respects I wish that it was then perhaps I would have a clearer sense of purpose and direction. An clear boundary that would allow me to identify with " a tribe " definatively.
But that has not been my journey, and perhaps it has marked me outside the the traditional boundaries of the clinical transgender definition particularly in my young years.
I have had a sense that something was not right clearly since my adolesence.
A sense that my maleness was an affectation. A role that society told me I had to play.
I wished deparately that I would grow into that role, and I have overcompensated for a lifetime I suspect.
However as I have slowly grown old the dissonance between my inner self and outer self has become increasingly painful..... and I realize that there is a huge price to pay for a lifetime in the closet.
Connecting this dissonance to my gender took a sharper focus in my adult life particularly in the last 10 -15 years, and the the medical support I have had discretly in recent years has given me some quiet relief, the prospect of hope for a bright future, and some clarity that perhaps I am not the only one on this path.
But I digress .... rant hahha
I continue to have periods of self doubt.
In the interests of developing an informed awareness I have tried to expose myself to a range of opinions online. TO avoid merely acceptting any arguement purely on face value.
The downside of this is I am occassionally exposed the negative opinions that I then have to reconcile with my personal experience.
That monkey that whispers in your ear " Are you crazy ? " aand that's the nicest thing it says.
In this case I was trying to listen to Ben Shapiro on Joe Rogan. I didn't want to be a hater, nor blind to the harsh opinions of others. So I listened.
I can't decide if it was a good or a bad idea... but the net result was I felt a strong sense of shame and self doubt that I quietly carried for the entire weekend.
I am not presenting myself very clearly today.... but I guess I was just wondering if others here have had similar experiences of self doubt?
Similar ...how do you just know when the path ahead is the right path ?
Regards
Nia