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Thread: How do you just know ?

  1. #1
    Nia coffee10's Avatar
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    How do you just know ?

    I have sat on the fence for what appears to be a lifetime.

    If I'm honest with myself I perhaps haven't met the traditional standards of gender identity disorder, in that I haven't had a clear sense since my earliest days of being a woman in a man body. It just hasn't been that black and white for me. In many respects I wish that it was then perhaps I would have a clearer sense of purpose and direction. An clear boundary that would allow me to identify with " a tribe " definatively.

    But that has not been my journey, and perhaps it has marked me outside the the traditional boundaries of the clinical transgender definition particularly in my young years.

    I have had a sense that something was not right clearly since my adolesence.
    A sense that my maleness was an affectation. A role that society told me I had to play.
    I wished deparately that I would grow into that role, and I have overcompensated for a lifetime I suspect.
    However as I have slowly grown old the dissonance between my inner self and outer self has become increasingly painful..... and I realize that there is a huge price to pay for a lifetime in the closet.
    Connecting this dissonance to my gender took a sharper focus in my adult life particularly in the last 10 -15 years, and the the medical support I have had discretly in recent years has given me some quiet relief, the prospect of hope for a bright future, and some clarity that perhaps I am not the only one on this path.

    But I digress .... rant hahha

    I continue to have periods of self doubt.
    In the interests of developing an informed awareness I have tried to expose myself to a range of opinions online. TO avoid merely acceptting any arguement purely on face value.
    The downside of this is I am occassionally exposed the negative opinions that I then have to reconcile with my personal experience.

    That monkey that whispers in your ear " Are you crazy ? " aand that's the nicest thing it says.

    In this case I was trying to listen to Ben Shapiro on Joe Rogan. I didn't want to be a hater, nor blind to the harsh opinions of others. So I listened.
    I can't decide if it was a good or a bad idea... but the net result was I felt a strong sense of shame and self doubt that I quietly carried for the entire weekend.

    I am not presenting myself very clearly today.... but I guess I was just wondering if others here have had similar experiences of self doubt?
    Similar ...how do you just know when the path ahead is the right path ?

    Regards

    Nia

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    In your profile you identify yourself as transgender and also mention your stage of transition. What do you not know?

  3. #3
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    You wrote in your introductory post that you "have been on antiandrogens for about 4 years to address my gender dysphoria."

    Have you done anything else to explore your gender identity? Such as going to local transgender support groups? Or talking to a gender therapist? Or doing any form of permanent hair removal?

    Sometimes it's easier to learn more about yourself when you have more real-life experiences to draw from. There's only so much you can do by thinking inside your head and reading articles and watching videos online. Self-discovery is, in many ways, an active process that requires engaging with other people in the real world. We can learn so much more about ourselves by interacting with others, rather than thinking alone by ourselves at home.

  4. #4
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    I think you confuse transexual with transgender by invoking not feeling as woman trapped in a man body. It is a transsexual section of the forum but if you experience any discomfort with your assigned gender at birth than you have gender dysphoria and you are a transgender. Either way, labels and definitions are just that. You are free to do what helps you be happy with yourself and to me - it doesn't need to be more complicated than this.

  5. #5
    Nia coffee10's Avatar
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    Hi Jeri,

    Thanks for your candour.
    I think what I was dancing around in my mind was not so much the realization that I am transgender nor that I have already taken some action towards addressing my sense of gender dysphoria, but that a had fears for my future . In light of a silly disparaging Youtube video I had a period of fear and self doubt. I was wondering if this was an common expereince for others?

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Hi Mirya .... You make a really good point !

    To clarify .....I work from home. A blessing and a curse.
    Whenever no one is home I dress in a manner that gives me peace of mind ... it allows me to work calmly and with lower levels of anxiety.
    I have had some laser treatment on my face.

    Each tentative step has been validating.

    But at the same time this has been done without the knowledge or consent of my partner.

    She has a zero acceptance position on my struggle with gender, seeing it as an unforgivable betrayl of our relationship.
    I mean her no harm, but I progressively found that the struggle was to difficult to sustaining .... the levels of depression and associate anger I felt a number of years ago seemed as if I was going crazy and heading towards suicide. As a consequence despite her demands I have given myself enough licence to survive but not enough to thrive you might say. I have remained somewhat locked in the limbo zone for a number of years at this point.

    Thank you for your advise.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Hi Katya ... I may have made a mistake ... but I meant no offence. It just seemed like right place to pose the question at the time. Also you right labels and definition aare somewhat abstract. It was more my feelings of fear and self doubt in the light of hostile opinions online that prompted the post.

  6. #6
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    You write well in my opinion. Also there is an absence of "The TG wannabe and CD fantasy" in your words.

    I personally believe it is a good sign of mental health to have doubts but without being crippled by the doubts to the point where mental illness in the form of unresolved gender dysphoria takes over the persons life.

    Practically every aspect of being the mental/emotional/psychological opposite of the body one inhabits is paradoxical. In short the experience is "Crazy Making" because it affects are ability to perceive reality and truth. it forces one to live a very abstract existence. I suspect this is why so many in the past who were labelled third sex were also looked on as spiritual teachers. Their condition opened their minds to seeing truths not easily seen by those who are aligned with their bodies.

    There is also a spectrum in that some must transition to survive and thrive while others find other ways to address GD

    Cis people will not understand trans people and to add to the confusion many who claim trans identity are not trans but something else but they latch onto trans identity because it is better to be trans (less shame/more status) than that something else (more shame/less status

    If you are not aligned with your body your internalized gender identity can not be felt-expressed-experienced-known. You are imprisoned by a body that locks you out of the experience necessary to live what you know to be true but cannot prove by the doing that comes with the living.

    Even those who fully transitioned still do not experience many of the things that are common to cis-women and men. Menses and child birth as examples. Much of what it means to be a woman or man is the biological experiences that come with that biology.

    Cis-women who are infertile or women who lose their breasts to cancer talk about how they feel like than womanhood has been stolen from them.

    The cis-gendered world thinks in terms of biology in that you are what you are born as. There is much truth to this way of thinking but it is not the complete truth.

    Transitioning does not give you everything but it "can" give you more than not transitioning and in that "more" you "may" experience your actual identity for the first time. I did and still do and this is not only true when I'm by myself but also in all my social interactions with others.

    There are people from all walks of life that feel compelled to discover and give birth to that person they sense exists inside them but has not been expressed.

    A simple example would be someone who never discovered what their actual taste is in anything because they are obsessed with status and appearances so they do everything for show. This person is an alien to themselves because they have not yet lived for themselves.

    There are many obstacles to self discovery and sometimes it takes the extreme form of being completely misaligned between body and mind as a condition of birth but often it is simply self imposed as a aspect of conformity to avoid the social consequences of breaking the social contract.

    All maleness is an affectation because masculinity is largely theatre for public consumption. This leaves self aware men sensing the hypocrisy of pretending to be one thing while being another. Often the greater the insecurity in his maleness the greater the need to prove his worthiness as a man. This eventually leads to some form of destructive behavior.

    There is another form of "affectation" for the MtF and this is not primarily out of concern for ones status as a man among men but "dissonance" between doing what a man does but experiencing it as a woman would.

    An example in my own life was the "dissonance" I felt during coitus as a male. It never felt "natural" to use a penis because my brain was not "wired" for it. I have no doubt in my mind that my female identity was natural to my biological brain regardless of my physical body. This is why I naturally adopted a female identity. My brain decided for my mind what my identity was.

    For most children experiencing GD, adolescence resolves the GD but for someone who is trans adolescence "could" confront the person with the dissonance that comes from misalignment for the first time.

    My identity was always there but it was like I was a fish swimming in water. I could not see it because it was always there but I also did not want to see it (repressed) because I had learned it was very dangerous to do so. It never stopped making its influence but I simply gave it different names and motives.

    Gender identity has a mind of its own and this mind is primal so the conscious thinking mind has a difficult time "seeing it"

    If you want to know the truth of what you are, make truth your highest value and let nothing stand in the way of discovering it.
    The Psychology of Conformity
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARGczzoPASo

    Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend
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  7. #7
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by coffee10 View Post
    Similar ...how do you just know when the path ahead is the right path?
    The right path IMO is the one that leaves you happy, fulfilled, and makes you a better person. You need to take care of yourself and not worry so much about the haters, there will be more out there that love you, and if not, you get to choose the people in your life that you associate with.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member elizabethamy's Avatar
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    Dear Nia,

    I completely sympathize with your situation. I haven't been on hormones but a few days but have been trying to decide for years if I can avoid taking the drastic action of transition. Recently I decided to go forward, and every step I take and every counseling appointment, support group, or hours presenting female in public....it's all validating, exhilarating, and feels exactly right. I've been told I'm a different (happier, better) person when I'm moving toward transition.

    At home, it's the opposite. I too have a partner who would do anything to stop it, recognizes that she doesn't have that power, but still intimidates and sours the atmosphere. It appears a choice looms between exile from my family and old friends versus transition. Like you, I haven't known all my life.

    If it's any comfort, my therapist says that until version 7 of the wpath standards, "knowing all your life" or saying "woman trapped in a man's body" were often necessary keys to treatment for gender issues. Thus, until very recently, people lied to get help. Now, according to my therapist, folks like us are not rare at all -- I've carefully traced why I didn't figure it out early and I honestly think it's not because I (and presumably you) am "less trans" than others, but because of a variety of cultural and family factors.

    I don't know what to advise -- if you are facing a choice like mine, it's going to be painful and complicated. I'm trying to get my partner to meet people like us and have some references from my therapist, so that she can see that transition as a family is possible and even positive, but so far she hasn't been willing to talk to these folks, probably hoping to just stop the whole thing in its tracks.

    Do all that you can to figure out what you need to do, how essential it is for you, and then do it. Gather people around. Can I be one of them? feel free to message or email me. You're in the right category!

    elizabethamy
    Last edited by elizabethamy; 06-25-2018 at 09:53 AM. Reason: typos

  9. #9
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by coffee10 View Post
    That monkey that whispers in your ear " Are you crazy ? " aand that's the nicest thing it says.
    If that monkey speaks too loudly or too often it could be a sign of (clinical) anxiety which is pretty common in trans people. It's a medical condition and it's treated with specific medications. You might speak to your doctor/therapist about it and see if treatment is appropriate for you. If you're feeling like your avatar suggests, it may help a lot.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  10. #10
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    I would have more concerns if you didn't have doubts. Don't worry at this stage about those who want to separate Transgender and Transsexual, you will discover for yourself if you are not transsexual (in which case the NonBinary forum might be of use to you).

    I knew the path ahead was right for me because it was the only path that didn't lead to destruction. Others have different experiences and will hopefully share them with you.

    Again don't let yourself get bogged down with the wordings such as "knew all my life" etc. your post already shows a long-term awareness that something wasn't right.

    Many longer-term posters in this forum will be happy to contribute their experiences and try to help you to avoid the worst pitfalls.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

    Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist

    Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity

  11. #11
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Something I did not comment on was your mentioning Ben Shapiro and Joe Rogan. Ben is a bit shrill for my tastes but he is a binarist so I understand his thinking because we share similar beliefs.

    To transition is to "cross over". You will find many T women are very much binary in their psychology and philosophy while others are non-binary in there persuasion. There are many reasons for this and some are hypocritical.

    I certainly was concerned that I was crazy (mentally ill/delusional) and many of my posts on this forum reflect that along with some tortured messaging between myself and other members.

    My main concern was not so much appearing crazy to others but being mentally ill as a consequence of what I had experienced and in these experiences I formed GD as an expression of this mental illness (trauma bonding) . This is a very real concern because trauma can present itself as GD just as trauma can present itself as homosexuality but not all gays are gay because of trauma and not all T women are T women because of trauma.

    I had to sift through my mind and find my truth by testing my doubts against the reality of who I was and am.

    Identity is a spectrum in that there are many possible paths to identity and like a onion identity has many layers of different identities being woven together. Gender identity is just one identity among many. We are creatures that must know ourselves through how we define ourselves.

    I believe it is wise to approach the desire to transition as potentially being and expression of past trauma or as a consequence of present trauma. The desire for good mental health in my opinion should be the over riding concern.

    I have come to believe that to be human is to be mentally ill on some level simply as a consequence of being born human and for those who sense that the pain and discomfort they are in is not their natural state they seek to transcend it.

    The question to ask yourself is are your transitioning because you are a woman or because you are human. Be very clear about the nature of your suffering.

    The Bens and Joes of the world believe the world should be a certain way or the world they know will end and not for the better. This is true for everyone, conservatives and liberals alike.

    They are simultaneously correct and wrong and this stems from thinking that human beings are the center of the universe.

    Don't take life to seriously . We are not the be all end all of the universe but simply dust in the wind.
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 06-25-2018 at 01:52 PM.
    The Psychology of Conformity
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARGczzoPASo

    Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk

  12. #12
    Lady in waiting Peggie Lee's Avatar
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    The World Health Organization just came out and stated being Transgender is not a mental illness and is changing all its listings to this effect.

  13. #13
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post

    The Bens and Joes of the world believe the world should be a certain way or the world they know will end and not for the better. This is true for everyone, conservatives and liberals alike.

    They are simultaneously correct and wrong and this stems from thinking that human beings are the center of the universe.

    .
    Great Great Great Observation... never thought of it that way..
    looking at it I have certainly lived that way..

    The world doesnt start and stop with all this but jeez it can sure feel that way!!!

    In anay case, You may "just know", but you may not...

    My own comfort level with transition was that i tried so hard to not transition, and I started to consciously experience the depths of my feelings...as Kelly would say that i started to understand the nature of my suffering...
    and i started to have an inner dialog that said "NO MATTER WHAT, Im transitioning...it was job1 job2 and job3...

    How did i Know?? I dont think i did...i just was like a robot...i just kept going...and i like to say I let the chips fall... and boy they fell...

    That all being said,
    I have never felt like a woman in a mans body...i never felt like anything...I thought of it as a wishful fantasy..."Why wasnt i born a girl??"
    I looked at trans people as freaks...sex objects...dancers and prostititues...but i was fascinated by them and i recall hanging out in every library i could find and looking up trans books...which i'd read in the library shaking because i didnt want to get caught...

    .. and now im in my 9th year of transiiton OMG>>>i can say i don't feel any more like a woman than before..

    but even tho thats the case...the way I interact, the way i experience my life seems to suit me...i dont think of my gender...it rarely occurs to me that im trans or a woman...
    ive had srs surgery and it just never occurs to me...what was there before?? nothing... and frankly it kind of feels like nothing now and im mystified by the women that are obsessed with their body parts..

    and i learned a lesson...you need to learn it too...we all experience this differently... intensity, coping skills, shame/guilt, sexuality, religion, pragmatic or Fantasist??, is there a sexual component?? what aspect of gender focus causes the dysphoria...(clothes/body/face/breasts/sex/all of them??)... we have no control how it hits us... and so you are gonna have to learn to trust yourself and your instincts..

    ..i watch Joe Rogan and I like him...i like Ben Shapiro at times too...but they are off base on this issue...especially with Ben I wonder why he cares so much...seems like a kind of wannabe macho man to me....



    If your SO is not supportive, then you have a huge problem if you are looking at this rabbit hole and wondering what is down there... there is really no good words to sugar coat the chaos this will cause in the relationship and for her...my wife left me at the first whiff of this...and viewed it as a betrayal and told me she hated that she ever met me.....leaving me was the best thing that could have happened to me.... it was a very very bad 4-5 years but over time we became best friends and co parents... our closeness is MORE than it was when i was her husband...I wasnt real in that role..


    Im a pragmatist... your suffering is going to drive you to your destination...it doesnt matter that much what you know or dont know...and im sorry to say it doesnt matter that much what your partner wants or says if your suffering gets more and more... what tends to happen almost every time is that the person increases their gender expression or their gender coping (HRT/body modifications/underdressing etc) until they are suffering less....and if the current situation isnt working it will get worse sooner or later...and you will do what you have to do...
    I am real

  14. #14
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    I hope this has helped Nia as much as it has helped me! Looking at things a little differently after reading the posts, especially Kelly, Elizabethamy, and Kaitlyn! Much food for thought! I am only slowly socially transitioning but all of this helped me so much! Thanks Ladies and Nia I hope it helped you as well! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  15. #15
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by coffee10 View Post
    In this case I was trying to listen to Ben Shapiro on Joe Rogan. I didn't want to be a hater, nor blind to the harsh opinions of others. So I listened. I can't decide if it was a good or a bad idea... but the net result was I felt a strong sense of shame and self doubt that I quietly carried for the entire weekend.
    Quote Originally Posted by Peggie Lee View Post
    The World Health Organization just came out and stated being Transgender is not a mental illness and is changing all its listings to this effect.
    They were a little slow, but I'm glad that they made it official. The WHO was also slow to remove homosexuality from the mental disorder category (it didn't happen until 1990). And as most of us already know, the American Psychological Association (APA) hasn't considered being transgender a mental illness for quite a long time now.

    So for Ben Shapiro to keep insisting in every interview that it's a mental disorder... well, he's just flat-out wrong. He's a smart guy, but his education is in political science and law, and he has no background or authority to speak on mental health issues. If you listen to his debates, it's always based on the old and tired 'chromosomes' and 'basic biology' arguments that an uninformed teenager would use. We all know by now that it's much more complicated than that. Obviously Ben Shapiro is smart enough to know this if he did any amount of research (he graduated from Harvard Law!). But he's also smart enough to know who his target audience is, so he continues to spread lies about transgender people.

    If you're looking for the truth, talk to mental health professionals/therapists who are experts in the field. Don't waste your time listening to people like Ben Shapiro who are interested in ratings and money more than the truth.

  16. #16
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    Nia,
    Your reply #5, tells more of the story to me than your opening thread .
    Part of the problem appears to not fully understanding yourself , what the bottom line is what your needs truly are . You then have the perrenial problem of a wife/partner who isn't on board . I know all about the mind feeling like it's going to explode and after finally coming out and realising how much you are alone with the problem and how it can spiral down to almost ending your life .

    To me counselling was the only way out despite being up against a brick wall with my wife . My first sessions were to make sure I had no intentions of self harming again and the second were with a gender counsellor . The outcome was a finally stepped out the door to meet others socially . That is an enormous help , to meet others and their wives , to hear the TSs stories and their struggle to find their true selves brought a balance to my own needs . I no longer worry too much about the labels , we don't need them on a daily basis , just to get out and about to dress freely , to integrate into ordinary life . To be comfortable helps settle many GD issues , to then take the next steps can be done more comfortably in your own time and natually within financial constraints .

    I can't say if those little voices ever go away, I don't expect mine to , I'm separated now but after 43 yeras of marriage , having two kids and now grandchildren I don't expect every niggle to go away . I know I still have committments and certain ties , in some respects it's getting better as my daughter has now openly accepted me but my wife has blown up with me and doesn't want to see me or speak to me again , I feel under the circumstances this is an inevitable outcome .

    I haven't met a TG person yet who hasn't made mistakes , I just hope the members on the forum can get you through the limbo state , I was a mess when I first joined, now I'm living a more comfortable life style which is partly down to talking to others here and meeting some in person . We have to accept we are born with this blessing /affliction whichever way you want to see it , we have to come to terms with it , we have as much right as anyone to live the life that fulfills those needs , sometimes we do have to dig our heels in and fight for them .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-25-2018 at 05:35 PM.

  17. #17
    Nia coffee10's Avatar
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    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you so much for your insights. You have all been so open and forthright with your dialogue ...I feel a little overwelmed.
    So much to think on here, and a lot to draw strength from. I can't respond to one , without feeling the need to respond to all, and at the same time I have no desire to respond impulsively for feel of being glibe or superfical. I really want to soak up these thoughts along with everyones kindness.

    I have no insights at this stage ... that's why Im here I guess. ... this is something I need to digest over time


    On a side note went to my doctor this morning ... I needed to have my antiandrogen script renewed.
    She is so optomistic and clear in her diagnosis ... it fills me with hope I think.
    I got the clerical staff to update my records from male to other ... it had been bothering me from the last visit. It felt like a calm .... if somewhat miniscule .... victory.
    Other feels about right for the moment.

    Also though I wasn't drawing attention to the medical visit ..... I was still calm enough to take my eldest daughter with me. She waited in the car , reading happily. I didn't expressly point out where I was going but neither did I hide or feel shame. ...but again tiny steps of rebellion you might say.

    THa

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I have found TED talks to be wonderfully uplifting and insightful in a whole range of areas.

    Youtube is a great resource. But it does at times only take you on paths which tend to validate ones world view.
    With the blow up between Sam Harris and Young Turks I found myself questioning the validity of sources that I previously highly regarded.
    My thought was then to try and get opinions from both sides in the hope that I would be better informed ......
    Sitting and working during the day with Youtube in the background affords that luxury.

    The danger of venturing out of your comfort zone is your regularly encounter viewpoints that can be challenging. Ben Shapiro sort of struck a nerve ...... and he can be forceful, and articulate in his argument.
    But your so right at eduction in political science does not make him an authority in every aspect of the human condition.

  18. #18
    A Sweet Girl Roxanne Lanyon's Avatar
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    "How do you know" is such a good question. I so wish I had the answer! Sometimes, I feel ever so good dressed, even at home, that I just wish I could be her forever! I have no partner, anymore, so that doesn't stop me. But, do I want to be her all of the time? Do I want to wrestle with make-up, clothing styles, fear of others, , shaving all of the time, and such other femme things? Do I? But, on the other hand, I adore being Roxanne! Oh Lord, after all of these years, I really feel wonderful about it! Am I really ready for it? Someone below mentioned councilling. Is that a worthwhile option? I am afraid to even make the call! I mean, "How do you know?"

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    Roxanne,
    If you really can't take the next step alone counselling is the only way . I was up against a brick wall with no where to turn and no one to talk to .

    The "How do you know " question , well to me you don't truthfully know until you start to integrate into the community , you have to find yourself and you can't do that until you have the freedom to dress as you chose , finding a balance with it , deciding if you are TG or TS and how far do you need to go to be comfortable with your needs .

    As for dressing more well shaving is never a problem I do it every morning as part of my day , it's so easy now to slip from one set of clothing to another , I'm spending more time dressed in my home and far more out and about . The problem I have now is I really don't want to go out unless I'm dressed , yes it does mean the extra effort of makeup but I've got it down to about 15-20 minutes , I try not to take longer because I know I'll overdo it for an everyday look , you don't plaster it on to nip into the local supermarket or buy fuel !

  20. #20
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    "How do you just know?"

    This is the nub of our whole exploration of identity. You say you're on hormones now, well for me, the anti-a gave me a deep, deep peace that finally everything was right. That's a form of evidence for cognitively knowing, but then there are other aspects, such as the rightness feeling when dressed and living according to the true gender identity. Some of us have so suppressed evidence or knowing that it needs unpeeling with a long-term "archaeological psyche process".

    The knowing evidence though, finally, for me, is that now being on hormones and anti-a, I just don't think about it, everything feels right inside. So that's how you know, by tasting the proof in the pudding, of no longer needing to know.

    xx
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  21. #21
    A Sweet Girl Roxanne Lanyon's Avatar
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    Thank you so much! That is a wonderful, thought-provoking answer! I can see I do need much more reflection on this, before I do anything! Counsellin? How do I go about that in the U.S.? I will be starting a support group in mid-July, and I am sure that may help. I just know that, so far, I adore being Roxanne, and think about being her full-time! Thank you ever so much for your intelligent thoughts!

  22. #22
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Roxanne: I found a counselor here in Sanford, NC through (I believe it was Psychology Today) a past posting about counseling! I found a perfect match on the first try! I wish you luck and it does help! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  23. #23
    Nia coffee10's Avatar
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    The biggest takeaway I got from the visit with my doctor yesterday ( who I think is terrific by the way.) , and supported by much of the discussion here, was that I know something has been wrong and painful, and the tentative steps I have taken at this stage to move away from that discomfort and towards something else has made things progressively better. Not perfect but better. This suggests that I realize that POINT A is not the best place to be and I need to be doing something positive to address that matter. I don't have to have a rock solid vision I where POINT B at this stage, that can evolve with insight, self awareness, and sincere exploration.

    This metaphor allows me the comfort to accept the now, comfortably consider the journey, rather than agonize distance to an unclear journeys end.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    The other thing I have found telling over the years is the fact that this doesn't feeling like "dressing up" .
    Perhaps at one stage ... but definately not now. I hate the thought of "stealing" my wifes clothes. I'm not able to convey it quite the way I want ....
    But the clothes I wear feel like my clothes ... they make me feel comfortable and grounded. I don't currently wear anything that outrageous ... though the time may come..... I simply feel happy working most often than not in the cloths suited for the job to hand ... typically thats a tshirt and a pair of jeans. They give me a sense of peace ... gosh that sounds corny ha ha .

    THings no doubt will may evolve as I feel progressively more socialized but that sort of my reality in my curreent space.

  24. #24
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    This is how I feel and I’m not sure if you can relate or not. But before I accepted myself for who I am, dressing was far more important to try to validate myself. When I started going to therapy and accepting myself for who I truly am, I started to not care so much about what I was wearing. I still desire feminine things because I love it, but I know I’m a woman without having to prove it to myself with clothes anymore. My GD is more centrally focused on my body and hair than my selection of clothes. That was my biggest “aha” moment that came from therapy and accepting this is who I am.

  25. #25
    Nia coffee10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ariana225 View Post
    I know I’m a woman without having to prove it to myself with clothes anymore. My GD is more centrally focused on my body and hair than my selection of clothes. That was my biggest “aha” moment that came from therapy and accepting this is who I am.
    Thanks Ariana ... that resonates very strongly with me.
    I am at times limited as to what I can wear due to my domestic situation...
    But I have taken a lot of satifaction in the changes I have experenced in my body.

    Hence regardless of the cloths I wear particularly when I have to present as male, my inner voice is calmly assuring me this is not the case.
    If I remain calm this is a managable level level of GD...... as long as it isn't accompanied by feelings of self hatred.

    One thing that feels a little grey for me, by way of comparison, is I am objectively aware I am not socialized as a woman.... despite what my brain say.
    Hence while my head space calmly say "woman" , I am objectively balancing that with " Be patient ..... all in good time" so I have been objectively considering myself as "gender fuzzy"
    to save the inner turmoil between what I feel inwardly and my current reality and real world expereince

    Hope that makes sense
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 06-28-2018 at 01:02 AM. Reason: Sorry, English language only

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