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Thread: How did you come to terms with yourselves?

  1. #1
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
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    How did you come to terms with yourselves?

    I would like to know how have you stopped feeling guilty, ashamed for crossdressing. Even if it's something minor like let's say, what some call "underdressing" or just the shoes.

    I have been in the way to it, but I'd like to know your stories too, so I might learn something, even tips from you.
    Just in case, if anyone needs more of my context, I'm in my 20's, college student, no job yet, straight and my SO accepts me as I am.

    Thank you very much and have a nice day/night.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    By way of contrast, I have never felt any guilt or shame for my love of wearing female clothing, and I started in mid-teens.

    That doesn't mean I am 'out' by any means - though plenty of people know I dress - but being wary of frightening the horses is not necessarily a product of guilt/shame, more a healthy sense of caution - plus respect for my conservative wife's feelings.

    It no doubt helped that I was not raised in a religious environment.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  3. #3
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Like Nikki, I have never felt the slighest guilt about anything to do with Becky. Starting to CD from a very early age until 40 it was just a turn on, I felt no shame, as everyone has somethings that turn them on that was one of mine, no big deal... When Becky emerged at 40 and the turn on left, I realised I was to some extent Trans and I embraced my F side. I see Becky as a gift, she (being me) has greatly enhanced my life on so many levels. I have had some amazing experiences, met some fantastic people and I have become a much better person for having her... I also get to enjoy this amazing forum
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  4. #4
    Member Lux's Avatar
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    I absolutely felt a lot of shame. Raised Catholic, the guilt was overwhelming. After my first marriage ended (she really couldn’t accept it and I knew I could not/did not want to stop) I found myself in a lot of therapy. A good therapist and a lot of introspection led me to the conclusion that I am a good person and that cross dressing brings out so many good qualities that my masculine side wouldn’t allow. That sensitivity is who I am and that people actually appreciate about me. I wear it proudly like a badge now. Once I fully accepted myself I have never looked back. Then that confidence in who I was helped my current wife take the time to read up on cross dressing and eventually accept me, cross dressing and all.

  5. #5
    Member biancabellelover's Avatar
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    I’ve done plenty of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, but cross dressing isn’t one of them. Like others have written, I’m also NOT out, and no-one knows except for my wife, but that’s for reasons other than shame or guilt.

    I’m a lapsed Catholic, and haven’t had religious thoughts since I was seven.

    Michelle.

  6. #6
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Hi Deadpixel. Should I call you Dead or Pixel (only joking) .

    I would like to know why you assume we have felt guilty and ashamed for cross-dressing?

    What's to feel guilty/ashamed about, they are only clothes. When you go to a clothes store for men, you buy clothes that you want to wear, that say who you are, you don't by clothes you hate that would make you look like something you don't won't the world to think you are (a nerdy bank manager suit perhaps, unless you like that look). I do exactly the same. The clothes you wear are part of your presentation and your presentation is the visual portrayal of who you are. I just don't restrict myself to buying clothes from the mens department because they can not reflect the real me.

    So, sorry, can't answer your question as I have nothing to feel guilty about, I am not ashamed and nor should I be.

    So to you. If you, like me, dress differently as that is what your inner gender requires then enough with the guilt already. Stop letting societal norms dictate how you think. Move on.

    Alternatively, if you just have a kink or fetish and you do it for essentially sexual reasons, again, what do you have to feel guilty about? It's legal, it's natural, it's harms no-one. If someone has sex and enjoys it should they feel guilty? As long as it's legal and no-one gets hurt then I say people should just enjoy what they like. Shame and guilt have no place here.

    Daisy

  7. #7
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Come to terms - I got older - it's that easy.
    Started CDing when I was 3 or 4
    Not sure if I ever felt guilty, maybe a bit embarrassed on occasions

    Yesterday my daughter got a CD or Trans as her Uber driver, it didn't faze her but sounded like an interesting ride. Glad there's more of us girls just enjoying the lifestyle.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Never ashamed, sometimes felt guilty, and my girlfriends when I was eighteen came to terms for me.

    They said, wear a dress and come dancing with us or stay home and watch television.

    It was a bit of "get a life" and I did. :-)
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    When I was younger everytime I would finish dressing it would end with materbation and then the guilt would kick in as to why I have these strong urges. Once I got married I threw away all my stuff to what I believed would be goodbye to this chapter in my life. Instead two weeks married first chance I got I put on my wife's pantyhosed. Refusing to be a fugitive the rest of my life I then understood these feelings were real and there was no end.That same night when my wife came home from work I took the biggest risk of my life and told my wife, from the first day I put on my sisters pantyhose till that same morning that I put on hers. I told her how unfair I was by not telling her before and I would understand if she wanted to leave. I was surprised she said lets see where I was going with this and a few weeks went by and I dressed in front of her and didn't push anything. The day were all the guilt left and I totally understood it was when I finished my dressing and the guilt would kick in and I would apologize to her to have her go through this. She asked me why I was feeling so guilty, I was not doing anything wrong, I wasn't hurting anyone and that it seemed to her that I have a strong femine side and don't want to be a women and I just enjoy the feelings of women cloths and to stop apologizing and feeling guilty and just enjoy it. That was the day the guilt left and I did as she said, I tried to enjoy every opportunity I got and I guess sometimes you just need a person to view it from the outside. That was thirty plus years ago and it wasn't alway easy but she stills supports it. Sorry it was alittle long but I wanted to explain it properly.

  10. #10
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    When I was much younger I read up on Masturbation and found out it was harmless, absolutely normal --99% of males doing it and only Catholic religion have any problem with it. (which was groundless anyway) I also learned in my research that CD was not related to homosexuality, So any concerns I may have had melted away. Looking up stuff from books, and not listening to my equally ignorant and misinformed friends and peers, went a long way for me in helping me avoid common problems and concerns in my youth-----

  11. #11
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Hi, I realized that my dressing does not hurt anyone. If I wan't wear women clothes, what is the big deal. Also, as you get older you care less what other people think.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  12. #12
    New Member lexic18's Avatar
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    Seems like I'm very similar to Maria, when I came out to my wife I finally felt like it wasn't a secret that I was hiding. I think I was more guilty about keeping a secret than anything. I didn't dress between moving in with my now wife (before we were engaged) and coming out 4 years later, and back in college I didn't have the same self-awareness that I do now, nor did I have anyone I really wanted to tell. Coming back to dressing now, it's also a lot less sexual and more just an expression of a feminine part of me.

  13. #13
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    Guilt & shame? I felt and still feel both from time to time. If I didn't feel guilty or ashamed, I think I'd come out of this darn closet. I can't just tell myself, "Well, this is the way I am, so get over it." My brain doesn't work that way. I have a good idea at what people (especially my kids) would say, think and feel, if they found out. So hiding something from them makes me feel both. I don't like lying or keeping secrets.
    That doesn't stop me from dressing. But it does stop me from doing it in front of them. Or even letting them know I do it.

    To me, it's more of an addiction. And I'm like an addict. Shopping for womens clothes can be quite addictive.

  14. #14
    Yendis Sidney's Avatar
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    Everyone thinks differently. I now do not feel guilt or shame. Before I came out to my wife the guilt and shame was the secret I was keeping from the woman I love. We were having a few issues so we both went to a counselor that I still see weekly and she has helped me find myself and not just accept Sidney but to love her,

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    I didn't. I still feel guilt and shame when dressing (Otherwise I'd be out and about).

    Where I live, it's still typically seen as a shameful and deviant thing to do. Other people would mock me if they knew.

  16. #16
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Well you can't live in the north east of England then Bridget. Are you sure that's not just your belief in what others think rather than the reality?

  17. #17
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    DeadPixel I like to answer a question "direct", exactly what the question is. The answer is to overcome in your head what others think of you crossdressing. For example if you wear a bra and panties every day, just part of your daily underwear, no different than a guy wearing boxers, another briefs, you panties and bra. Another example is if you wear say girl jeans or girl tennis shoes and no body says anything you get confident and your mind accepts there's nothing wrong with what you like to wear. Daisy and Maria make some really good points. My acceptance is it just won't go away and I like it. Some under and outer girl clothes I wear every day I am fine with it, no guilt. How I would like to go out is with all girl clothes on and showing an hour glass figure big boobs and all but I'm not there and maybe never will be. To be the only one in WalMart or the mall looking like that and everyone staring at me, I would feel uncomfortable. Another part of my answer is to accept you were born a crossdresser, be comfortable with wearing what you have become comfortable wearing and don't wear what you are uncomfortable with. Then you can enjoy and not feel any guilt or shame. Hope this helps.

  18. #18
    Madam Ambassador Heidi Stevens's Avatar
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    Hey DP, if those around you have accepted your crossdresssing, you are one big step ahead of where a lot of us were at one time. You should know that with having the “discovery by others” element out of the equation, you can begin to deal with getting your feelings in order.
    If you can’t seem to rectify your thoughts with your actions, then seek outside help. You have sort of done that here. Sometimes though it takes a professional to help you sort out your conflicts. If the process you are using now to ease any conflicts in your mind continue too long and are interfering with your life in general, seek out a trained counselor in the field of sexual identity or gender studies. Be open and honest and they will provide you with answers that can ease any fears you still have. Good luck!
    Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!

  19. #19
    MtF Transgender JeanTG's Avatar
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    Heidi, I couldn't agree more. Last two weeks had many big firsts for me. One, I finally got the courage to go out, dressed. Two, I told one of my best friends. He assured me this changes nothing between us. I told another best friend and his wife. They not only accepted, they invited me to go out for lunch with them en femme! Another gay friend has started calling me by my femme name. Two priests know and accept and pray for me. My youngest child, herself MtF trans, knows and supports me and defends me to my wife, who herself has known for 30 years but is having trouble dealing with the flood of my feminine feelings of late (next step may be HRT).

    I have come to realize that any sense of shame I felt at being transgendered were 1) Related to my own refusal to be honest with myself, trying to pass myself off as a simple crossdresser when in fact it's a much deeper identity issue, and 2) some of the awful things I did to try and mask my true self.

    I crossed the Rubicon two weeks ago, when I sat in front of my therapist in a lace top, black blazer, skirt, shoes, wig and makeup, and asked her what she saw sitting in front of her. Her unequivocal answer was "a woman". Whether that leads to full transition or not, remains to be seen. I'm taking it one day, baby step and coming out story at a time. For now my therapist has asked me to live en femme 3 days per week to see how that goes.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Therapy. Lots of therapy. I kept hearing from my therapist that there was nothing wrong with crossdressing. Eventually, I came to believe it.

    Plus, as I told other people. they were accepting, sometimes even embracing.

    My minister knows, and he doesn't have a problem with it. He has seen some pics of Steffi.

    Several of my doctors know, and some of them have either seen pics or seen me dressed. One of them was so excited about seeing me so happy dressed. She loved one dress in particular, and even wanted to borrow it until I told her what size it was. Several other doctors have only seen my toenail polish.

    All of my yoga instructors and classmates have seen me in femme yoga leggings with tank tops or racerbacks, and wearing toenail polish. I've never had any negative comments from any of them, and a couple of the yoga instructors embraced my outfits. But, I've never admitted that I'm CD or TG.

    All that being said, my wife is somewhere between tolerant and intolerant.

    In fact, just this morning, she caught me in a bra and was very upset. It did make me feel bad, not really guilty or ashamed, but I'm always scared of possible consequences when things like this happen.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  21. #21
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I had plenty of guilt and shame, so I understand where you're coming from. I handled it the way I handle most things: I over-thought it. A lot. In the end I came to a simple idea -- I was not hurting myself or others, so there was no moral issue, and I was happier when I did it than when I didn't, so perhaps I should continue doing it and find out where that took me. As the Grateful Dead sang, what a long, strange trip it has been. But I'm happy.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  22. #22
    Asian girl =D Seraphina's Avatar
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    hello DeadPixel, just sharing from my experience. The initial crossdressing started when I was 5 and years elapsed with nothing eventful happening other then the occassional sneaking to try my mom's clothes when I was like 11 or 12. By 17, there is an overwhelming influx of emotions that I needed to transition and live as a woman. At that time, the guilt and stress level was probably more then I could handle as I question myself why am I crossdressing? Am I a freak? Buried by the self-loathing and torn by the desire to be a woman as I feel it should be the rightful life I should be having, suicidal thoughts cloud my mind from time to time. I decided to seek help and chanced to exchanged email correspondence with a TG named Laura.
    Laura once mentioned that the girl you see looking back at you is you yourself. I tried to rationalise about that and came to terms with myself based on the following a)I'm not harming anyone by crossdressing, it's not stealing or murder. b)since I prioritise taking care of my parents over transitioning, by the bare minimum I should continue to crossdress as it provides a form of "stress release" for me and to feel free as a woman
    As I age, I came to appreciate this side of me as I believe I became a more accepting person in life.

    Sorry for the long post, take care yo!
    p.s: It's a plus your SO accepts, my SO is fairly tolerant and I'm not asking for more!

  23. #23
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I felt the shame and guilt from a very young age.
    Finally, I decided that enough was enough. This is who I am and those that can't accept me for the person I am in ALL my facets don't belong in my life and I refused to keep living my life for others.
    I realized that all the pressure I felt was self-inflicted. I accepted the guilt and shame that I thought others placed on people like me for all those years and that had to stop. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm not sick, I'm not crazy, I'm not anything but me. I love me!!
    Once that was decided the rest fell into place and I was able to accept me for who I am and the heck with the rest.

  24. #24
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Pixel I started I guess at birth as most of my swaddling blankets were pink n white. Mom actually made me several flour sack dresses and a bonnet. Got some pictures of me wearing those clothes but they were in black n white so took my moms word on the colors. Dad finally put a stop to it. Gave me a hair cut and taught me to be a man. I stayed a boy till in my teens but mom let me play at her dresser I her makeup n her ladies hats etc. until I got to my teen years then I tried to stop but found myself still sneaking into moms things. This continued thru high school till I got married in college and then I even played with out her knowledge in her panty hose and skirts and dabbled in her make up. Never got caught but I felt guilty about not being a man that she thought she married. I quite mostly thru some of the kids raising. Only times were when I was by myself because wife and kids were visiting her mom. After all the kids left I got back into the dressing, finally came out to my wife who was all for the other girl in her life named Jaylyn. This has since worn thin and she isn't e cited about Jaylyn as she was. ( she very off and on about my dressing now she just doesn't want the kids or grandkids to have a clue). I will continue I guess till I'm to old to zip my dresses or I die.

  25. #25
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    I cannot relate to the term 'guilt.' When I first donned one of my mother's slips and then nylon nightgowns I was very young. I had no thoughts of wanting to be a girl. I had no desire other than to experience the feel of nylon. I loved nylon. Nylon was unlike any boy clothes I wore. There was nothing sexual about it. Actually sex did not exist for me before puberty set in. Heck, Lucy and Desi slept in twin bed on their television show. When puberty set in I started to explore women's clothing further. From slips it my desires expanded to my mother's panties (ugh, granny for sure), girdles and hosiery, bra (snapped one of the straps on a black bra) and dresses. With raging hormones I was a mess. Back then it was always assumed men who wore women's clothing were homosexuals which was a bad thing. I experienced a lot of conflict. One the one hand I loved wearing women's clothing which always ended with masturbation, and, feeling ashamed because society would think I was a "queer, a fruit, a faggot." Those were the terms thrown about in the 1950's and 1960's. Gay was still a term for happiness and a loaf of bread.

    Even as a young adult I had a lingering question as to my sexuality. Even when I stopped dressing for years I feared I maybe had a latent desire to wear women's clothing which meant there was a potential I was not totally straight. It wasn't until much later I realized wearing women's clothing was just a quirk. Something in my DNA.

    So, today I am not ashamed I wear women's clothing. Right now I am dressed from the skin out with bra, panty, slip, garter girdle and stocking, heels, pretty midi summer dress and a curly grey wig. I feel totally at ease with my inner self. On the other hand my desires are confined to the home with some rare exceptions to take evening strolls. Why? Because too many people are still ignorant. To intentionally reveal myself will also have an effect upon the relationships I and my wife have with family, friends and neighbors. I dress for stress relief and to feel calm. That would be lost if I were to go public. If I were to do something which has a negative effect upon my wife, then some guilt will arise for what I have done to her relationships.

    PS: I doubt there is no male who wears women's closing who has not had inner conflicts about their sexuality or sexual identity.

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