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Thread: How did you come to terms with yourselves?

  1. #26
    Banned Spammer
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    Aug 2008
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Never felt guilt or shame because it felt right to me so I guess you would call that gender dysphoria.
    I worked thru all the hows and whys on this forum and came to the realization that it doesn't matter its just who I am.
    Being 20 you are at that age where you worry about your masculinity and anyone disputing your masculinity is automatically your enemy I get that because I was 20 at one time too.
    You are at that awkward age between childhood and adulthood so things are difficult some times.
    I don't say that to be demeaning to you its just the way things are and its part of life that we all go thru it.
    Don't worry about what others think so much and enjoy your life and your SO because you owe no one any explanations for what you do.

  2. #27
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    In the total animal soup of time
    I believe that shame was more a reason for my crossdressing than the result of it. My family was not particularly religious so it didn't derive from that. Rather, it was more from the ultra-macho poor white trash culture I grew up in. In that environment, any sign of weakness, effeminacy or receptive homosexuality made you fair game for abuse and contempt. Being (secretly) a sensitive type, I always suspected and was often told that I didn't quite measure up in the manliness department. I felt I had to constantly prove myself and hide how I really felt about things. I call this emasculation anxiety, the ever present feeling that I could be exposed for the sissy I suspected I might be. After all I often fantasized about being a girl since girls didn't have to live in this macho prison. They had their own problems but I was blind to that.

    When I was going through puberty, I came across a little book of pornography. The story was about effeminate gay crossdressers having sex every which way you could imagine with macho males. I was completely horrified but I couldn't put it down. It was everything I was taught to fear and despise. It was also incredibly arousing. Afterwards I wanted to kill myself. Being aroused by that stuff meant that I was gay or trans. What could possibly be worse? Over the years these feeling would wax and wane but I could never make sense of them. How could I be gay if I wasn't attracted to men? How could I be trans if I didn't really want to be a woman? The answer for me was the realization that it was emasculation anxiety itself that was arousing for me. The arousal acts as sort of a relief valve. It's similar, I think, to the rape fantasies that some women have. They don't really want to be raped and brutalized but fantasizing about it is a way to relieve rape anxiety or a way of coping with a past trauma. In the same way, indulging in total emasculation helps me cope with the expectations and pressures (real or imagined) of masculinity and with childhood emasculation trauma. It also helps that I have shed my childhood ideas about gender and sexuality but the sexual imprinting that occurred at puberty remains. Generally there is not much you can do about that but to live with it and try not to assign any more importance to it than it deserves. Having a SO who is on board is also a wonderful thing.

  3. #28
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    SouthEastern Ontario
    You are young and have an S.O. that knows and you are able to be yourself with. That’s huge as many keep it secret from their partner making things later down the line very hard. You should not be embarrassed or ashamed and hope you feel that way . You are not doing anything wrong and I think it’s a gift. ( btw I'm a GG)
    Keep being open with your partner and take this journey together finding your way together. Best Wishes
    Last edited by Di; 05-07-2018 at 06:52 PM. Reason: Making it a little more clear :)
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

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    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  4. #29
    Platinum Member
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    Dec 2008
    S.E.Baltimore Co. Maryland USA
    Hi DP , I have been in this program for 71 years now,

    and I don't remember having any guilt feelings. >Orchid......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  5. #30
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
    Costa Rica
    Quote Originally Posted by DaisyLawrence View Post
    I would like to know why you assume we have felt guilty and ashamed for cross-dressing?
    I remember reading about plenty people like that before I even found this forum, and I wanted to know if it was like a common factor in us.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Heidi Stevens View Post
    Hey DP, if those around you have accepted your crossdresssing, you are one big step ahead of where a lot of us were at one time.
    Ehm, Heidi, I actually hide it. Especially after being shamed and lectured when something about this was discovered.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Di View Post
    I think it’s a gift. ( I’m a GG)
    Can you explain this to me, please?

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    You are at that awkward age between childhood and adulthood so things are difficult some times.
    I don't say that to be demeaning to you its just the way things are and its part of life that we all go thru it.
    I have no doubt of it, there's even times when I would like to be the one in control of some situations to get a better outcome or simply preventing something awkard to happen.

  6. #31
    Member Cherylgyno's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
    U. S.
    DP. It comes with experience. I first dressed at the age of 6 year's old. Back then little to nothing was known about this. Through the military and then college I hid every clue. The only ones that knew were my mom and 2 gfs.
    I met and married my wife. About 1 month after the wedding my wife caught me fully dressed. She was supportive immediately. I was shocked and gave her the I promise yada yada yada.
    My wife helped me to be comfortable being me.
    I developed breasts at 50 due to gynecomastia from meds. I now underdress 24/7/365. I have a 48 D and don't try to hide.
    In this day and age people have their own concerns and don't worry about others.
    Just try to be yourself.

  7. #32
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    The state of flux, U.S.A.
    Well, I grew up in the 60's; way back when there was no support system in place for anyone TG. Boys were raised to believe that we were NEVER to do anything feminine, NEVER EVER wear woman's clothing. Being feminine in any way was the worst possible thing you could be when you're a boy. And at the age of seven, I was molested, and was told that god had made a mistake, and that I was really supposed to be a girl. Imagine the horror I felt. He would dress me in his sister's clothes, and tell me to learn how to be a good little girl, and that god would fix me. I had this secret that I could never tell anyone, ever. For years, I patiently waited for god to fix me, I thought that when I got a little older that my body would gradually change to female, as I saw my older sister develop breasts and a feminine figure as she got older so I thought that would happen to me, and my penis would just disappear. So whenever I could, in private, I would dress and pretend to be a girl. Of course, that never happened, god never answered me, and to make it worse, I couldn't understand why I liked girls and felt like I was supposed to be one, at the same time. I wondered just exactly what I had done for god to do this terrible thing to me. I prayed and prayed, but to no avail.
    All through my school years, I felt very ashamed about what I was, but I could never tell anyone. My self esteem? Zero. In the meantime, other boys were developing body hair and bigger penises, girls were getting curvy and sexy, but me? I didn't reach puberty until I was almost 17. I started losing my religion during those years. By the time I was out of high school, I was an atheist. Now the real work started.
    I had started reading psychology books at 14; but there wasn't much to read about crossdressing, TG wasn't even a term. Everyone just assumed that a boy who wore girls clothes was gay. And I couldn't understand why I wasn't.
    It took years of reading to understand that it wasn't my fault. I had done nothing to deserve this.
    As I got older, I realized that I wasn't hurting anyone, that it was the fault of society for making males feel ashamed to exhibit feminine qualities. It also made me wonder, why women disliked men who were feminine; didn't they feel any value in femininity? Were they all ashamed of themselves? It made no sense. Then I learned all about social roles, and how I had been conditioned to feel that I was always supposed to be dressed like a girl back when I was growing up, and that the feeling would probably never go away, perhaps because of what happened to me during those developmental years.
    It wasn't my fault. I had nothing to feel guilty about, and nothing to be ashamed about. I did nothing wrong.
    Sure, occasionally I will still feel bad about it, after all, we had it drilled into our minds throughout our childhood that it (crossdressing) being such a terrible thing. But the feeling passes rather quickly now, 50 years after it all happened to me.

    It's not our fault. We didn't grow up wishing to be crossdressers. Whether it's something innate, or due to something that happened to us, or both, it's not something that we can change, either. It hurts no one, and no one has the right to complain if we wish to dress like the girls do; after all, women fought forever to demand that they be treated equally, so it only stands to reason that feminine is just as good as masculine.

    No shame, no guilt, no more.
    And that's how I have minimized the amount of shame or guilt that I have.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 05-07-2018 at 09:11 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  8. #33
    The avvy pic isn't me
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    To answer your question (I think) of Di's post, GG is for genetic girl; also known as female at birth.

    In answer to your opening post, and as a few others have noted, I never really struggled with the shame aspect and any guilt I faced was mostly during a my second marriage, and that story is not relevant.

    I suppose one thing that really saved me from any shame/guilt cycles relevant to my gender, was that I was raised in a family of males that were pacifists.
    We were comfortable in our masculinity with out any of the macho BS. So I never really felt like I was a failure in that regard.

    But, I can admit to a strong ebb and flow of angst and confusion; as has been said many times on the various boards and forums, I really really wish the internet would have came along about 20 yrs earlier.
    Once I came online in late 09' and '10 and found this place and did a lot of research all around the net, I finally found total acceptance.

    For the past 3 yrs or so, I've felt the kind of serenity and comfort in my own skin, that I have never truly is a gift!


  9. #34
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Never felt any guilt, in my belief about CD, I feel good about myself and love myself.

    Whatever make me happy is normal for me. My partner accept my actions, and we have a great relationship.

    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.


  10. #35
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Rochester, NY
    I started dressing as a teenager in the 90s. If I knew I was home alone for at least an hour, I would almost always dress and at the end masturbate. Maybe about once a week when my mom went out on a date it meant several hours dressed doing things like cooking, cleaning and watching tv. I was ashamed of this. I thought no woman could ever love a man who did this. I was never going to tell anyone about this ever. So when I went to college I got rid of my small collection (since didn't want my mom finding it at the house or my roommate to find it in my dorm room).

    During college, I would get the urge a few times and buy a few things and quickly throw it away. When finishing college I met someone and we moved in together (she is now my wife). The urge wasn't very strong so maybe once a year I would wear something of hers. I thought my wife wearing skirts and dresses was enough and I didn't need to wear them. I fought the desire. But about 10 years in we hit a rough patch, and between being alone many nights and being depressed, my dressing urge came back full force. I realized this was something that was never going to go away. I was craving every moment alone so I could dress. It was always in my thoughts. At this point I finally accepted this was a part of me.

    Soon after I told my wife (even if it meant divorce) since I knew I could not deny it anymore. Luckily she accepted with open arms and torrid credit card We went shopping the next day. I may still be nervous about telling people or going out in public, but at least I know this is a part of me that is never going to go away.

  11. #36
    Doing my best! Susan Smith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Don't feel any shame or guilt, never have done. I'm not out (DADT at home) , but that's out of respect for the views of others (or my expectations about their views) rather than shame or guilt. It doesn't hurt anyone and they're not 'women's' clothes, they're mine. Either bought and paid for or gifted to me.

  12. #37
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    I have never felt guilty or ashamed of my clothing choices. So, there has been no need to come to terms.

    There was a time in the 80's when my black ties didn't get narrow fast enough. But I digress...

  13. #38
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    San Diego
    From the very moment I decided I wanted to rty dressing I have never felt any guilt. Still don't

  14. #39
    Member Victoria_Winters's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    North Dakota
    I diffentilly felt guilt for many years. As I got older I came to the realization that... well I don’t give a crap about people’s opinions about me anymore. I am who I am and don’t care what people think. I’m not out not brigade of I’m embarsissed but because of the possibility of loosing my retirement.
    “Hatred only breeds more hatred.” -The Invid Regis

    “We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest... trying to figure itself out”. - Delenn

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member
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    Apr 2016
    It's amazing that age and experience changes your perspective.

  16. #41
    Junior Member
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    Dec 2017
    Southwestern U.S.A.
    Being raised in a very masculine environment with manly man guidelines I'm not sure that I ever will will get over some of the guilt. And there are different types and varying levels of guilt. I have not gotten over the guilt of being a man, that wears women's clothing. I have not gotten over the guilt of being called a "Man's Man" by a lady salesperson while wearing pink (I think) panties under my jeans. I have though, gotten over the "It's only for masturbation, fantasy, or, it's just a phase I'm in" part of the guilt and denial. I have not gotten over the guilt of buying another bra, panty, or dress when I really don't need one. Or two. But the previous guilt is the same guilt I feel when I buy another pistol or rifle to add to the rotation. Or when I'm talking to a friend and say something a bit more direct than intended and can hear a bit of hurt in their voice for a while afterwards. So, in one sense, the level of guilt is by perspective.

    Over the years, with a lot of introspection and not a few kegs' worth of whiskey and beer, and a few temper tantrums arguing with myself over wanting to, and in many ways, needing to, wear feminine attire. I've come to realize that I can relax in a bra and panty just as easily,if not more so, than I can with an adult beverage. As well as feel like a "Complete Me". To quote Popeye, "I yam whats I yam and I can'ts do no more.

    Now, none of this is to mean that I'm going to start walking down the boardwalk in just a bra and panty. Nor does it mean that I'm going to leave the house wearing makeup and a full and feminine outfit. Nor does it mean I'm going to be telling everybody in my life that I crossdress. It does mean however, that over time, talking to various people, reading this and that, spending time on forums like this and learning, always learning, I've slowly come to accept the fact that I really like who, and what I am. All of me. Pink lace bra, panty and all.
    Last edited by Terri_Cross; 05-08-2018 at 06:20 PM.

  17. #42
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    To begin with, when I first discovered my fascination with my mom's clothes, I was 16 and it was 1976. I lived in a small town where everyone's lives and minds were small. There was only one word for a boy who didn't project the kind of "manliness" we now call toxic. The three letter F word. And the result of being suspected of being like that were pretty harsh and frankly, terrifying.

    In a way, I was lucky. On one hand, I was definitely afraid of the consequences of being found out. But I also guessed correctly that I would be among the last people anyone would suspect of dressing as a woman. I was big, I was a top student in math and science (ok for a boy) and a top athlete. The only way I had a problem was if my one year younger brother found out. Because he would have told or blackmailed me until one of us was dead. Fortunately, that never happened.

    I struggled mightily with my "problem". I was convinced that everybody, even my own wife or mother, would reject me if they ever found out about me. But around age 35, I had to tell my wife. She hated anything to do with the subject and refused to talk about it with me. Then one night, I told her I had to wear a nightgown to bed. She hated anything to do with it and refused to talk about it with me. I bought a dress and wore it in front of her. She hated it but refused to talk about it. I mistook her silence for some sort of acceptance because she never threatened to ruin our marriage over it. I later learned, through couples counselling, that she would rather have seen me dead than in a dress.

    I found much support through this forum. I learned I was not alone and not damaged. From the generous help of these fine members, I slowly developed the courage to go out and shop for myself. In the department stores the female SAs gave me clothing tips and allowed me the use of the fitting rooms. Gaining more confidence, I struck gold when I found a certain stand alone dress shop. Store manager R, and sales ladies G, L and K, were as accepting as my own older sisters would have been, if I had sisters. They provided a wealth of knowledge on what looks good on me and why, and I am now very good at putting together an outfit that's tasteful, age appropriate and presentable for a man in a dress. In addition they further boosted my confidence to where it is now. Retail therapy is a real thing! The only problem I had was that there was a time when the only places I would go while dressed was back to the stores, and I'd end up buying more.

    That's why I always encourage people in this forum to go dress shopping, and it doesn't matter whether youre dressed or drab. The overwhelming majority of sales staff are friendly, professional and accepting towards crossdressers and you'll soon be able to take yourself other places where you'll find whatever fears you have are overstated. There are no angry mobs waiting for you with torches and pitchforks. Heads might turn, but that's about it.

  18. #43
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Fortunate are those who never felt guilt and shame, but many of us did.
    Indirectly, such as observing the belittling and name-calling of anyone expressing sex or gender variance: gay, crossdresser, transsexual, or even effeminate speech or mannerisms. And so we learned to avoid ridicule by putting on an all-boy image.
    Directly, like when as a boy I was caught playing with lipstick. My dad held me down while smearing it all over my mouth and verbally humiliating me. Lesson learned: don't get caught again, and I didn't.
    I read all I could about crossdressing and fetishes, trying to figure out why I am like I am. It took time, but with information and testimonies from many others, I learned that I had no reason to feel guilt and shame. But I didn't lose my good sense to keep my activities private. After all, crossdressing (for me) is about me and my CDing stuff, with nothing to gain and something to lose by coming out.

  19. #44
    Laura So Cal Laura28's Avatar
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    Oct 2012
    Southern California
    Age. I just said one day screw it I am who I am.

  20. #45
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    My last post probably had too much info. I just wanted to say my path was created by abuse to me. And while I have no guilt of who I am, I do feel shame for what happened to me. I always think back to my youth and think that it was my fault. It is difficult for me to write about this subject without it seeming graphic. It's just we all have differing paths to get to where we go. My path wasn't always nice, I have no guilt about being who I am today, but I have sadness from part of my path I took.
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.-S&G

  21. #46
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    Los Angeles (OK, I'm a Valley Girl)
    For me it was when my wife found out. I think I just realized it was a part of me.

  22. #47
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Me, dressing this way has always been there, since I was old enough to know that there were boys and girls. I put my first dress on when I was three or four and I haven't stopped since. It's as much an integral part of me as my nose, I can't change it, well, I possibly could, but I'm not going to, and as a result I don't have shame or guilt about it.

  23. #48
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
    From the beginning my desire to try female attire did make me feel uneasy. Had the desire but struggled to understand why. So at first I did feel some guilt and shame. After years of trying to push off these feelings I finally decided that I was not going to change how I felt. Took me a while but once I accepted my crossdressing life became less confusing. Well........ less confusing for crossdressing......every thing else in life remains a conundrum.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  24. #49
    Aspiring Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    May 2016
    Metro East area near St. Louis, Missouri
    I was six or seven when I first had the urge to try on a dress. It was in the basement of my aunt and uncle's apartment in Chicago. Unfortunately, it didn't fit.

    After that, I was always jealous of the boys who got to dress as girls at Halloween (still am..).

    Around the age of 14, I decided to try on my sister's (who is two years older) pantyhose. All of the sudden I had an immediate intimate reaction (trying to be delicate here).

    During my high school debate days, my teammates and I went to college libraries (pre-internet days) to research the annual debate topic. On more than one occasion, I would look up resources on transvestism and cross-dressing. I realized I wasn't the first with these desires nor the only one. For me, it was my normal.

    These days, with the advent of the internet, it's pretty clear to me there is a wide range of "normal" for a lot of people (and my theory is every man has his own kink). So I have never felt guilt, because it's just always been a part of me. It's only in the last few years I have been confident enough (actually, it' s more of a WTF reaction) to furfill my long held wishes.

  25. #50
    New Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Personally, I have not stopped feeling guilt or shame.
    It does not stop me, and as I got older, you deal with it better and keep it
    in perspective, but it has not gone away.
    If it ever went away, I would be out and about, even though I have no chance of passing.

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