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Thread: So, it happend

  1. #26
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Lots of really good advice Alma, hang in there and hopefully some open and honest discussions can take place.. she is shocked and is entitled to be, but time is a great healer.. but patient and be honest...
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  2. #27
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krea View Post
    There is always the chance that this will happen, no matter how careful.
    The best that you can do is be honest with your wife now and hope that she is able to be open-minded to a degree. Hope it works out well. Best wishes.
    She just can’t understand why, and I can’t explain it either, I can’t blame her, all my life its crumbing in front of my eyes, and its all my fault..........

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica May View Post
    Hope everything works out. Stay strong
    Thanks, I can be strong, as strong as the bigest man, there’s literaly nothing out there that I fear, but, seing her suffer for this deception.... Its just too much, and its all my doing.......

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Suzie Petersen View Post
    This too shall pass
    Yes, some day it will, but the damage and the hurt of now can’t be for gotten.... thank you for the suport

  3. #28
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Alma,

    It may not be forgotten, that's not to say it can't be forgiven. Don't loose hope.

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member jjjjohanne's Avatar
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    There are posts here where wives talk about their perspective on our dressing. It is helpful/eye-opening. It seems to say that the betrayal causes them to feel distrustful of us due to the secrecy. It is possibly true that the secrecy is worse than the dressing. But don't take my word for it. Go read their words. It might help you relate to her experience.
    I am a man who presents male and wears feminine clothes.
    I blog about my outings: https://joeypress.wordpress.com/

  5. #30
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    Alma,
    Accept it's always been there and try and convince your wife you are still the same person it's just another side that is wanting to emerge . If she would allow it to happen you can learn how to integrate the two sides of you .

    OK I admit when all my problems surfaced I did question how much my wife truly loved me , and asked her on more than one occasion . You may have to accept it's not what you thought it was despite your CDing and she's now found an excuse she's been looking for . Eventually I feel my wife killed off any love I felt for her , she just kept hurting me too many times . You may look back and say as I have that the damage was done when you came out to her and perhaps she should have been more honest with you from that point . It does take two to make it work , sometimes there is blame on both sides, so don't feel too guilty about your feelings and needs .

  6. #31
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Alma, I'm so sorry for your anguish surrounding your wife finding out. I hope that going forward she calms down and life can calm down.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  7. #32
    Senior Member Linda P.'s Avatar
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    Darkest before the dawn. Faith, hope, and patience. My best wishes that you may both find a way.
    Like a lady

  8. #33
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Alma, I keep hearing you say 'It is my fault", which is not true- as the 'it' is the reaction of your wife to her own views of crossdressing, and most of that has nothing much to do with you!

    One terrible thing about this kind of blowup is that we find out the precariousness of our relationships- and how much of it was seemingly supported by false notions of who we are, or performing roles for each other, etc. I tend to believe that we can overcome that, but I have had the feeling more than once that perhaps the thick screen of gender expectations may not be penetrated by my loving notions enough, or fast enough.

    The other wild card is the sense of loss and insecurity for our SO- she my have felt secure and stable as a woman who has found a man that fills all the blanks. Now- all that goes away, and she wonders how she is going to survive. Safety is seen as depending on predictability and normalcy, and fantasies we may have about somehow being able to dress as women just seem like a testimony to being dangerously stupid. And our online explorations are seen essentially like leaving her and having an affair.

    All that said, the advice you are hearing is from others who have weathered this storm, and sometimes the SO uses the opening to leave. Most settle into a DADT compromise, as that recognizes the fact that crossdressers do exist all over the place in the normal population, and yet it is just too big a step for the wife to be associated with one. It then ends up being seen as a kinky secret, which is managed and therefore seems normal- most people have some kind of personal special things that they do that they can't really share.
    We are all beautiful...!

  9. #34
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses View Post
    Perhaps it isn't you who should change.
    Ohhhh, suggesting that SHE's the problem will NOT go over well.
    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Alma, what did u do that was so wrong? Do haven't done anything wrong! U simply were being u. And, if u lied or deceived here? Is this the first time either of u did that? Probably not.
    Doesn't matter. Women expect total honesty, and reserve the right for deception, for themselves.
    Quote Originally Posted by almalove View Post
    all the tipycal suspicions and questions came out, are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? And then there was the wost all, did you actualy love me or are just using me????
    That was my experience. We went to a therapist/marriage counselor, and even though wifey understood what she was learning, she still didn't like it. It was the 'you aren't who I thought you were' situation. We only lasted three years after that. Maybe you'll fare better than I did. All I can suggest, is find a therapist who can help her understand everything that's going on, and someone that she can talk about it with. Because women need to talk about things, and if it winds up with someone who doesn't know and accept what YOU are, it's not going to go well. Most women won't accept a guy who crossdresses, and if her closest support person is one of those, you're in for big trouble.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelish View Post
    You say "I'm not what she thought I was" but fundamentally you still are.
    You're missing part of that. She thought he was a standard issue male. He wasn't. Yes, he is still the same person he always was, but she didn't know what he was before she fell in love with him. The image of the all masculine manly man now has cracks in it.
    I tried the argument that I'm still the same person I was before you knew about the crossdressing. Didn't go over well at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by jjjjohanne View Post
    It is possibly true that the secrecy is worse than the dressing.
    It's usually a combination of both. However, women will often get over dishonesty over time if you remain trustworty from then on, because the physical attraction remains. But if you change her image of you from manly man to feminine guy (her mental image of you in a dress, make up, wig, etc, and often once she's either seen you like that or even thought of you like that she will NEVER forget it, that can potentially kill any feelings of lust or love she could ever have for you again, in an instant), it can be a deal breaker; if you change what attracted her sexually to you to something that turns her off, that can be the end of her sexual desire for you. And once that's gone, the love she felt can often follow. Once that's gone too, she will try to find someone else to provide the feeling that you no longer inspire in her. And once she starts feeling passion for someone else, replacing what she felt for you, you're essentially history.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 05-18-2018 at 12:33 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  10. #35
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    Dont sugar coat it Sometimes_miss...

    Alma, the only thing I can say is, listen to her concerns.

    "Are you Gay?".. answer this honestly.

    "Are you using her".. assure her this isnt the case.

    "Why you wanted her to go on vacation alone".. Most likely so you could be home and express yourself.What ever the reason, tell her.

    "Do you want to be a woman?" ... answer this

    These are all powerful questions from her, its not enough to just No to them, give detail.

    It might be hard to believe but the positive is you left a trail of bread crumbs to this, so even though its a shock, She can at least see the signs.

    Ask her for a time out, and suggest that you 2 keep this to yourselves until you figure out where you stand.

    She might have already told a close confidant, but if She hasnt then maybe She can hold off.

    Who knows maybe She will surprise you.

    Read this article if you havent already.

    http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

    If it applies to you , have her read it when She is ready.

    I dont remember the member here who first posted this , but its very good in explaining why we do what we do and who we are.

    My wife learned quite a bit from it.


    Good luck

  11. #36
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    Ohhhh, suggesting that SHE's the problem will NOT go over well.
    Not what I meant at all.

    The point is that you haven't actually done anything bad or intrinsically wrong- her reaction is entirely her own doing, and you are not responsible for her feelings. You can respect her feelings, you can try to help her through what is a very difficult time for her, but you are not responsible for her feelings.

    Your feelings are as important as hers, aren't they? What else is marriage about?

    The snag is that crossdressing, unlike a secret passion for bagpipe music, carries associations of deviance and homosexuality, for those of a conservative nature. It frightens them because they don't understand it. They think they understand it, but they're simply reacting as they've been conditioned to react, by pulling up the drawbridge and going on the defensive. 'Oh poor little me, I've been betrayed - mother was right - I should have married Larry the linebacker.'

    But this forum is full of military and jocks, men who were schooled to repress their feminine sides, taught to be ashamed of themselves for daring to have feelings, for wanting to play princesses instead of princes. For every ex-marine on this forum I'm willing to bet there are a dozen living in misery, afraid to express what's bottled up inside them, and society keeps rolling them off the line, chug-chug-chug.

    It makes me angry that feminism gets so much publicity, while most women still can't bear the thought of a man wearing a dress. It's hypocrisy. We have every right to wear whatever we like, just as women can do.

    The fact that your wife can't see that, while tragic, says far more about how she was raised than it does about you.

    Be yourself. Be kind to her, but don't cast yourself in the role of villain.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  12. #37
    Aspiring Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    My wife found out about my hobby about after we were dating. We've been married about 28 years so I guess there is hope! Hang in there!

  13. #38
    Gold Member Maria in heels's Avatar
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    its not being stupid at all....it happens, and now that it has just please give her some space to see where its going to be good. It can be bad, and sorry to hear that it happened unplanned

  14. #39
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by almalove View Post
    I love her, but I'm not what she thougth I was................
    No, sweetie. You're not. You are more than what she thought you were.
    While you are guilty of a deception, you have not stopped being who you are. All the things about you that endeared you do your SO are still part of you, are they not?
    The very first thing you should do is take ownership of that deception. Let her know that you now realize how wrong it was for you to hide that from her. Hopefully, she will realize that you are still you and that the only thing that has changed is that she now knows much more about you than she did last week. Yes, that's asking a lot, so take Sallee's advice and seek qualified counseling for you and your SO. That counseling should focus on two things, her coming to understand your TG nature, and much more importantly, finding a way for your relationship to move past the deception. Those are two separate things and believe it or not, it will be the latter that will be the more difficult to accomplish.

    Best of luck to you.

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  15. #40
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    Thank you

    Thank you for all the suport, it helps to carry on, we're taking some, well, she is asking and I'm trying to answer all the question, many of the things I have done in the past were question, she cant beleave I like to dress as a girl, may not be able to stay and see me the same, I'll let you know how it goes, may be there is some hope, we are seing a marriage counselor, for about two years, she knew about my CDing but didnt say anything before, gor now she is helping us to keep it togeher,

  16. #41
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    That sounds promising, there is always hope.

    Biggest thing is for everyone to take a breather.

    Do something normal(her normal) until you see a therapist.

    Do a reset until your wife can see this part of you isnt a threat, but dont give this part of you up in the deal.

    Good luck some more.

  17. #42
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Thanks for the update Alma. Keep letting us know how you're doing.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  18. #43
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    Wishing you all the Best..... as the spouse of a CD I would say... give her some time.. the shock at first will throw your wife's emotions for a huge turmoil.... I know when I first found out ... my immediate reaction was also.. "how do I live with someome that has kept secrets from me for so long?" It takes a while for commom sense to jump in and for us to evaluate the situation in a non-judgemental manner.....I hope for your sake she makes the decision to stay with you and to support you... All I can say is.... stay honest now... and good luck!

  19. #44
    Member amandagurl2014's Avatar
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    The fact that she knew for two years and stayed with you is very promising. Hang in there and be patient with her.

  20. #45
    Member Lacey CD's Avatar
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    Amanda. I think she meant her therapist knew for 2 years, not her wife.

  21. #46
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Alma, just make her understand u love her and want to remain together. If she feels the same, u can get by this!

    If she doesn't, there's not much u or the therapist can do!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  22. #47
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    update thank you

    well its been several days now, its almost looks like it will be Ok, but then there is that moment, when she will just stop and just stare at me, then withdraw and stay away for sometime, she said that she just cant picture me in makeup and dressed, (she did asked and i admitted that I have used make up clothes and shoes, even a wig) I feel like she is trying to picture what I would look like, then, just ask why do I want to do it??????? along with all the doubts about if I'm gay or want to be a woman, I don't know if she cant get past that image, then she asks what do I do when dress, even if I had a name, putting all that together she can only come to the conclusion that I must want to be a woman, and the best would be to let me be and do what I want to be happy, she asked if I had taken any pictures, I just could not tell her so, and its eating inside, I just don't know how muck she can take about me and Alma, i used to look at her as she dressed and now she questions why? am envious of her? do I want to be her? do I want to have breast? and many more questions, at this point Im just waiting, for now we are together one more day.

  23. #48
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    Everything you just said your wife is questioning, my wife has and is always questioning, and she has known for over 50 years! Some women just do not understand our need to present as female on ocassion. But then, do any of us truly know why either? I do believ that this is probably the time to come clean on everything, even the pics, since I am not sure it can get worse and she deserves honest answers and will make a decision to leave or stay based on what she knows now. I do hope for you both that she realizes that dressing does not change your love for her. Mine is greater for my wife knowing how hard it is for her to accept this part of me and yet she stays with me and loves me even though she admits she just cannot inderstand the need I have. For many this is the ultimate test of a marriage and the lucky ones like me and my wife survive and some don't. I hope with all my heart yours is the former but base the future on truths now instead of half truths. Move forward with honesty and that includes admitting that even you do not have all the answers to some of her questions.

  24. #49
    Senior Member 5150 Girl's Avatar
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    Sooner or later it happens to all of us. This is why I always say full disclosure before the relationship gets to serious. It's easier to break things off before there is to much emotional attachment if the partner can't handle it/

  25. #50
    Aspiring Member Debs's Avatar
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    ok, worst over, its out, deep breath, face it head on, talk, you have nothing to be ashamed of, its part of you and always will be

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