I remember around 2 or more years ago, when I began in this site how my life was.
Being short and simple I will say that I was very active sexual, promiscuous and every time I had an opportunity to dress it included sex, with myself or someone else.
Wife didn't know so it was very furtive and with lies to her. For me to dress was a sexual thing.
I couldn't understand those here that say that genre is separated from sexual orientation or they didn't have any interest in men, I honestly find them hypocrites.
I used to read about some differences that transsexual used to express in difference with crossdressers and I didn't understand. The last could feel some kind of discrimination like transsexuals made them feel less.
After go out to my wife things start changing, as a promise to her to not lying again with a man, I'm honest, I cheat a couple of times but soon that pleasure was changing.
The urge to get out to have sex, to go out and dress in a sexy way to attract men in a club was diminishing. In my own intimacy the self sexual complacency was decreasing too.
At the same time sex with wife was decreasing,
The opportunities to dress were supported by my wife as she was understanding and me at the same time that it wasn't a fetish or just a release of stress but a huge part of my life.
I began therapy a year ago and that was a landmark. I've read a lot of different views and experiences of crossdressers, transwoman that did SRS, and I learned a lot about myself.
But there was something that still bothering me, every night I could wake up in the middle of the night and not sleeping for an hour or more.
We discuss in therapy something crucial, HRT. I couldn't conceive that could be the way for me, but thinking and talking with wife, therapist and finally with endocrinologist, has been almost 4 weeks that I'm in and several things had changed very dramatically.
Today I'm considering even SRS but I must complete another year in therapy and HRT.
I begin dreaming about it.
I've seen a lot of pictures with the different stages of the surgery. It's gross and look a huge and radical thing to do but I'm, every day, more willing to do it.
To dress is not longer a game, a pleasure less a fetish but it's the expression of who I AM.
For some reason I was checking tons of picture of my life, since a child to today, and remember that I was never satisfied on how I did look as a man, just one picture in my 17's I think that time I would be a beautiful teenager and how my life would be. That is the only picture as a man that I feel comfortable the rest are just deceptions but when I see Vanessa, I feel a deep happiness, even sometimes without make up. I feeling the guts to go out dressed without make up, without, hip pads or breast forms, I want to live in that way, I want to be Vanessa.
Two of my married sons know about Vanessa. They'd never had seen her. Wife doesn't want but soon that will change. Just one of my sons that is passing for a divorce situation, we are protecting him of my reality because it would affect him.
I'd like to hear your experiences, comments and support.
I feel very accepted and loved in this place... but I wouldn't want to affect my relationship, my frienship with some good friends that I have here that are not in transition or don't have plans on it.
