CD Life is Good

[IleneD]

It's been a whirlwind spring. So busy; and sorry to not check in and share all the good stuff with my Sisters.

First,.... I have officially made First Contact. No, not with alien life forms; with professional gender identity help. I attended my first Transgender Support Group meeting and have been to 2 more since. I can't believe I have actually stepped off on this journey (as we call it). Not just mentally take that first step of transition and self-realization, a real step.

The first meeting I did on the fly. I'd not planned to attend the regular weekly meeting (of which I knew time/location), because I had other obligations. When I found my duties over early and the GBLT Center nearby, I decided to drop in. No appointment required. I was in full testosterone drab at the time, having just finished umpiring a high school baseball game and no time to change out of my baseball clothes. The girls there must have though me - the scruffy stranger - to be a fraud or freak. All of them were dressed and in various stages of MtF transition. I won't bore with the details, but it went so amazingly well !! Despite my un-femme appearance, the group of about a dozen heard my story and knew I was sincere.

The next weeks I came back en femme. I've made a couple (almost) friends. Most importantly, I've acquired personal advice on where to find good professional therapy help. Now that I've opened my own door to the "community", I intended to get on with it; at least SPEAK about my CD/TG with a therapist. Try it out. I will do that when I return from my mission to take my boat east.

That's the second news. I have been dressing. Dressing openly. Dressing more around the house (sans a lot of the body shaping or make up). Dressing to go OUT (support meetings) and with the knowledge of my beloved wife. I know she still dreads it [going out in full femme), but she is abiding patiently as we work on the future together.
Starting in mid June just prior to Pride Weekend, I have about 5 weeks 'home alone' this summer while my wife stays at our summer east coast retreat. I will miss her dearly, especially as things between us per CD/TG issues has been going well. But it also offers me space to be all the Ilene I wish to be 24/7. Looking forward to it.

It's been a while since I posted anything significant. Needed to find the words, and I wanted to share. You Girls.... you strange and beautiful girls have always been a source of inspiration and wisdom for me. Were this forum of friends not available to me I would have self immolated me and my relationship long ago over dealing with my femininity issues. Not really an issue either. I love this. But thanks, AGAIN. I would not find myself here, in a more positive place for both my marriage and my femme life.

[CarlaWestin]

Yep! CD life is good. And I just don't care who doesn't get it.
Glad you're having a good, enriching journey.

[Queen Bridget]

Always nice to see some positivity. I'm glad CD life is treating you good

[Tracii G]

Finding a support group you are comfy with is really important and I am so glad you found one.
It was the best thing that could have happened to me and it helped so much in my journey.

[Sashauk]

I wish you the best of luck, Ilene. Whilst not transgender myself I am always pleased to hear when someone, who is, travels along the path, and I hope the destination is what you were always looking for.

[Krea]

Ilene, it's great that things are going well for you. Long may it continue!

[Tracy Irving]

I am very happy for you and wish you continued success on your journey.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Ilene,

I'm glad to hear you are doing well and you're getting such good support here, in the real world and most importantly, at home. I wish you well on your journey.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
Congratulations on taking these steps , if you don 't take them you don't know where the road is going to take you next . To be able to talk about your own situation and then compare it with others especially in reality is a great leveller . There is always someone else worse off , it helps to get your own life in balance . I hope your wife does enjoy her break and it's good to hear you will miss her but I wonder if the time away could go either way for you , she knows she's holding you back how would you feel if she returned to suggest you have a trial separation ? In your heart of hearts is it something you may be wishing for ? I know when it was first suggested in my marriage , I felt on cloud nine , the thought of being free to really spread my wings and totally embrace Teresa . The first time was a false start but by then we knew it had to happen.

Please don't feel I'm pouring cold water on your thread suggesting life is good but at the moment it could all be about turn in the next few weeks and I can see now you are on a mission, Ilene is the goal and less is going to stand in it's way . It's also good to read that you have gained help and strength from the forum, I still beleive it's been my lifeline , I wouldn't have met others in reality , I wouldn't be in my situation now but I don't blame it for my marriage situation it helped in seeing it as the right decision to make .

I really hope the next few weeks go well for you , I'm sure you'll keep us posted .

[Linda P.]

Wonderful to read of things going well for you recently, and best wishes for continued progress. This is what we all hope for each other.

[Beverley Sims]

Ilene,
You are doing well, you are preaching to the converted here. :-)

[Aunt Kelly]

Oh, Ilene.
This is such good news, all of it. And good on you for reaching out to the community and to a pro. No one should have to go through this alone.
And here's hoping that calm seas continue on the domestic front. Still lots of things to work through, for both of you, but it seems like you are indeed in a good place there.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Lux]

What a nice post Ilene.

Big hug coming your way for a very sweet post.

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing your good news - hope things continue to go well

[GretchenM]

Ilene,

What a wonderful post. So positive and upbeat. You have traveled far since we met a couple of years ago and I am so happy for you. I recommend continuing to go to the support group and especially make contacts, because it really fits nicely into the direction I think you are headed. And therapy may add some structural strength to how you view yourself in this journey. It is an existential journey where the destination is not known and really doesn't matter so long as the journey is experienced in a real and truthful way. Fair seas and steady winds, Mate. Anchors aweigh.

Gretchen

[kimdl93]

This is a very significant post, Ilene. I wish you and your wife, continued growth and enduring affection as you move forward.

[IleneD]

Gretchen

Thanks for the comment.
We should get together soon; maybe during Pride week (I'll touch base on the side.)

You know.... I'm still learning. The purpose of the journey and professional help is to find that comfortable medium between my inner femme Being and the real world life I've enjoyed for so long. I know I have it in me. There's a deep inner part of me that believes it and wants to just be the Me I always imagined, yet there's also the quite practical and real part of me that understands the need to honor my past.
Thanks, Gretch.

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Teresa,

With all my heart, I do love your advice and forum friendship.
In many ways, your situation is one I watch with a keen eye. I wholeheartedly support your eventual decision, though I would not want that kind of separation for myself and wife. I am, in fact, trying desperately for that NOT to happen. I'm hopeful there will be a life balance we both can achieve in living with my gender and identity variances.

You're also quite correct in reading the situation. Yes, we're getting along well and talking about "it" better and more civil than ever before. Something happened following one of our heated "disagreements" in the last 2-3 month. Something broke; maybe a resignation. But she's been less combative and confrontational. She stopped totally freaking out (even sobbing) at the sight of me in Full Ilene Mode (make up, wig, forms). She's good with me being around the house en femme (no forms....she hates the forms for some reason). I think she realized that this is REAL and it won't go away. She's been more encouraging and interested in finding professional counseling. Fully supportive on that, which is why she's OK with me attending Support Group.
I thought at one time I might have to walk away too, Teresa. And in reality (as you state), we may be only one more ugly incident or misunderstanding on Crossdressing away from a terrible split. It seems like I'm moving at light speed right now, but I want to take baby steps. Nothing too far or fast at once.

Thanks for your help, experience and wisdom, Teresa.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Ilene,

I am so happy for you and I hope things progress satisfactorily. I am a bit envious too. As you know, I didn't walk away. I was abandoned and thrown under the bus. I lost everything, spouse, daughter, grand-kids, house, etc. But, I am at peace with myself at last and that is what I hope for you - that you find that peace. Searching for it with loving acceptance would be a plus. As always, if you need me for anything I am here for you.

[IleneD]

Jeri Ann,

You have long been one of the voices of wisdom and reason. Your experience alone speaks volumes, from which all The Sisters here may learn. Can't really adequately tell you in print what should be said face to face. You have been a tremendous help to me (and others). You paid the price for the learning curve.
Thank you.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
Many thanks for your lovely reply, I hope you don't misinterpret me suggesting a separation but like most things in life is does work out ,as we keep saying the World doesn't end which is often the fear with our issues . Only yetserday my wife dropped in with the granddaughter to have lunch and catch up with what the rest of the family are doing, the difference is no DADT issues she knows she can also walk away from that part of my life and resume her own .

I wanted to comment on your reason for not wearing forms, I had a mental block on buying expensive ones with nipple detail because I felt it was a step too far for my wife to accept , although she never said anything and has never asked what I do use . That is why I searched for a substitute and found eventually that double layered balloons with about 7ozs of water worked far better than I expected . Since then I have tried expensive silicon ones but actually find I prefer my own version , they tick all the boxes at a fraction of the cost. Of course if my wife had objected all I had to do was put a pin in them but saying that they are very resilient and take some bursting with scissors .

I really hope it works out for you , as you are fully aware small steps are easier to take and easier to step back from if need be .

Jeri Ann,
It is a difficult balancing act I hope I've achieved it , I'm so sorry you lost out in so many ways , I'm sure that hurt never goes away 100% . in my case we knew it couldn't continue as it was but we also knew we had to try and keep it right for the children and gradchildren as much as we could . That's possibly why we manged to keep it an amicable separation and split everything 50-50, all the family can visit mum or dad knowing they are welcome without any compromises .

[Jenny22]

Ilene, Bon voyage, my friend. You are on a wonderful course that will pay positive dividends with your dear wife, I'm sure.

[IleneD]

Jen22,

Thanks. I want to take her along on this journey. I may not go 'all the way' myself. I'll know when WE get there though.
I love me. I love Ilene, but I also love and am obligated to many others. In many respects, I've never really owned my own life entirely. So it is with many of us.

Oh, there will be disagreements and misunderstandings to come, for certain. But I think we are in a place where she believes my gender issues are real and NOT GOING AWAY. Most of all she (we?) have reached a point where anger, hurt or resentment isn't going to solve my crossdressing. She wants to know how she can bette support me. Yes, she actually said that. That may not mean 'free license' to go Full Ilene 24/7. Pretty certain it doesn't mean that. But it's a positive indication, and a far change from the fear & loathing that normally occurred.

Thanks again, Jen. (hug)

[Kandi Robbins]

Ilene,

I certainly cannot offer any advice, but am so happy for you! It's plainly obvious that you are finding happiness. That balance between the marriage that we treasure and the feelings we have is difficult. We want to be the man, the husband to our wonderful wives, yet have the space to be the women we feel inside. Damn, I wish I could figure this all out!

Be well, find your happiness,
Kandi

[IleneD]

Ilene, Damn, I wish I could figure this all out!
Kandi

Kandi,

Thanks.
I'm not popping any champagne corks here yet. But we're beginning to come to grips with "it" after 3 years (since coming out). She's taught me much about her perspective, and how it makes her feel as a woman. She's come over to the CD side a bit more; understanding that this is REAL (not a silly dress up game we play), and not going away on its own any time soon. The best part is that much of the anger and resentment is disappearing from our conversations.

If it were up to me and I was living for Me alone, I'd almost be ready tomorrow to start the fast track towards transition. I've lived my entire life in this (wonderful) male body and it has performed miracles. I lived my career and family life "as a man". I know what's inside me. However I don't live in a vacuum. Like my brother told me when I came out to him "You don't just have a past. You have a legacy." I've "compromised" most of my life, the balance between my male and female self; most often denying that inner woman, and with terribly destructive results for the soul. Full medical/physical transition may not be in the cards for me. But cases and lives like YOURS', Kandi, make me truly believe that a reasoned, loving and practical balance can be achieved with both my past guy life and my re-discovered femme self. This is why I seek trained, expert, professional help in order to sort through the options and helping my loved ones get on board with it too.
Thanks. With all my heart, Kandi. One of my forum favorites. Wish I could hug you.