I do the same thing...try to intercept each package before she gets to the mail. It's not a budget issue, and she knows that I dress. She is not supportive, nor does she approve....she tolerates it. I often think to myself "how many more skirts do I need?"...then I think "just one more". I have a little guilt for buying clothing that I only wear at home, and usually for a short time.
Life's too short to not be enjoyed! Live each day to the fullest!
Prettytoes,
That was the rub when I was in the closet , there was no justifying it just to look in the mirror for a very limited time , in those circustances no we don't need another skirt or more heels .
Now I'm out old habits die hard but I actually enjoy trawling the charity shops , you can look very good on a very tight budget if you have to .
Being that you are very supportive, I view it as lying about the finances if your spouse makes purchases just for their desires and not spending it equally on yours. If there are things you could share using, that would be better and be done in the open. My wife is not supportive but knows, so I also make purchases and hide things a she asked not to make it obvious. But I also earn 95% of the income and there is plenty to spend. She buys $100 dresses for a single occasion and then gives them to sisters or off to charity. I keep mine (and usually low cost items from China or Savers) and then she complains I have more than her.
I would confront your spouse and work out what is fair-hear what they feel is the reason.
Hugs, Ellen
Back when I was married...
We didn't discuss, but I didn't hide, either. In my case, and I suspect in many such relationships, there were things that were relatively easily tolerated. When it came to clothes, (although we never actually discussed it in detail) I felt like the things that were more or less like what she'd wear were OK. That covered a lot of ground. Even given such perceived latitude, I had things that I would have been embarrassed to try to explain. I had more than my share of thrift store skimpy dresses and miniskirts and sky high heels, etc. I didn't dress just to stay in. She knew I went out every time I dressed, so the natural assumption would be that I wore this stuff out. I can't say that I never did, but it was no more than twice a year, and then only briefly. I'd take this stuff with me when I went out of town, try it on in the hotel, maybe take a few pics, then change and go out. Pretty innocent. I would have been embarrassed to tell her about these little dress-up sessions, but looking back, I should have told her. It would have been better than her thinking I was going out like that all the time. I'm not sure she would have believed me, though. Doesn't matter now.
My point in this is, your husband might have an idea of what you think is acceptable, and when she veers off of that she is too embarrassed or afraid to tell you. There begins the deception. Levels of acceptance, from none to a lot, that always seem to be violated. We're inclined to push just a little beyond, regardless of how good our situation might be with an accepting spouse. As hard as it is to talk about this stuff, both parties even in relationships like yours have to continually work on keeping communication lines open. I'm pretty sure that my ex wouldn't have been really happy that I was taking pictures of myself in hooker-ish clothes and that a couple of times a year I'd wear it over to some restaurant and scurry back to the hotel. That being the reality, I bet that's a lot more palatable than what she thought I was doing.
When it comes to money, although I never put us in a financial bind because of it, I "wasted" a lot of money. Clothes weren't the biggest waste. At least 80% of mine came from thrift stores, and another 18% or so from clearance racks. What was a bigger waste of even more money was going out of town (travel to and from), hotels, and especially getting my hair and nails done on Friday night or Saturday morning only to undo everything on Sunday night or Monday morning.
I think you should speak to him, hiding these things just allows him to continue to do it.
Even then he might not stop but he needs to be open and honest with you about it
I'd just take the collection of this, that, and the other.
Lay them out and say "Really?"
Get over yourself!
Get over your societal, cultural and religious guilt complex.
Quit beating yourself up over it!
Accept it!
Regain your center, your bearings, your your compass.
Refocus
Focus on me!
US
This relationship
This marriage
This relationship
Prioritize
Be part the SOLUTION
Not part of the problem!
Be part of the answers?
Not part of the questions
Defibe boundaries.
Limit zones!
Comfort zones!
Not telling isn't the same as lying or hiding.
Not saying something isn't deception.
I'm an adult and don't need permission.
...... none of this has worked with me and my beloved wife. not yet. probably not ever.
I don't care how silly, embarrassing or potential conflict contained therein, the best course for working with my Wife and my CD/TG is just be open and honest. Otherwise, it creates that glimmer of doubt and insecurity about EVERYTHING.
It isn't easy, and wasn't easy with my wife for a long time. I just didn't want to give an opening for another diatribe against crossdressing or my gender identity. Not worth the dodge. Tell. Tell in advance and tell her your intentions. She may not agree with your actions but she'll appreciate the openness on a very sensitive topic.
Of course, I learned this the same way I learn most things; by painful error. I take chances and make mistakes. [I can't believe I ever made it alive through flight school.] In my example, I attended my first TG support group meeting ad hoc, on the fly at the last minute. I failed to inform (and discuss) it prior to going. I intended to go if time was available that particular day. I was working another scheduled event that ended with time to leave and attend support group. It just happened and I just went.
When I returned home I had explaining to do. First was my basically impolite gesture to not call and say I'd be coming home late. But that wasn't the root of the angst. It was still over the subject matter of the group meeting. We both had talked about seeking therapy and support often and she thought that finding a group to be a good idea. She just wasn't aware that I was finally going to do it on this day without getting a wave of buy-in from her.
I know the distinction are subtle in my story. Even though we'd talked and agreed, my impromptu attendance didn't go over well.
Last edited by IleneD; 06-01-2018 at 07:05 AM.
There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.
Like Sherry said, it appears to be more of a money issue than anything. The dressing seems to be more of a smokescreen around a bigger issue.
Lots of speculation here. The only way you will know what the motivation is, is to have an honest, nonconfrontational discussion with your husband.
Now one thing that wasn't mentioned was that possibly he doesn't want to rock the boat if you have been DADT. My wife gets kind of pissed if she finds more stuff, but at the same time she is definitely DADT. I would rather show off those cute new boots I got for $25, the skirt I got for free at swap night, or the dress from dress barn for $5. But she would rather not see it. And as far as cash goes, I have spent a bit, but maybe total $1k over the last three years? How about her $150 hair appointment every month? Really it may not be that big of an amount in perspective. Or maybe it is. But keep it in perspective. His complaint about not enough for you seems selfish though.
Ignoring the situation is unwise IMO. I like Di's suggestion of saying that you'll only get mad if you find the purchases being hid! That gets it out on the table and will perhaps have the effect of moderating the spending in the process. Glad to hear you are supportive of his CDing. It's a good thing!
Betsy
I think that one thing we have to bear in mind is that this kind of lifestyle tends to make most of us secretive, to some extent or other, at least some of the time. Whatever the situation that can be a hard cycle to break.
Dear Samswife ... You need to talk, as others have said. Many good ideas have been proposed. But one thing that must NOT come up from you in the talk is that 'he doesn't have enough money to buy YOU gifts.
hello,
I must be honest - I hide my shopping. My wife must know. And when I wear the new clothes she says "that's new, did you buy it last weekend?"
I can't explain it. Perhaps it is because we cannot shop together. Perhaps it is just an old habit.
So a suggestion for Samswife - try shopping together.
luv J
Spoke to Sam about the purchases last night... he said he felt guilty for buying the things for himself (even though he couldnt help it) because he's seen how much Ive saved and how much more I contribute to our finances and bills. He was also feeling guilty for basically breaking his own budgeting goals and not saving the amount he wanted to last month. He said he had not spent this month (May) on his feminine clothes and that his goal will be to limit the amount he does spend in the future on them. So I guess it was pretty ok, we went over our short term and long term financial goals together... Im at least sort of reassured that it was more of a financial issue rather than him hiding things from me again... Thanks everyone
Good for both of you! Communication is everything❤️ Glad that some issues are out in the open and have the potential of being resolved.
It sounds to me like he hasn't really accepted that his crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of. You are wonderful to be as accepting as you are, and he should be able to respond positively to it. I think he is burdened by the macho baggage we were all immersed in, and cant get past it.
You need more talk. And when you enter into a real heart to heart about crossdressing, you need to check your anger at the door. Completely. Respond to him with all the calmness you can muster. I'm not saying your anger is unjustified. The sneaking around is a kind of betrayal. But it is counterproductive if what you want is to get to the root of his feelings and issues. He will clam up if he senses your temperature rising. He needs to feel completely safe that whatever he says will not upset you. Because I'm guessing that he believes he will lose you if he admits to you just how deep is the rabbit hole of his feminine feelings.
Good luck
I'm pleased to hear that it was purely for financial reasons that he was hiding his purchases - that must make you feel much happier about the situation. Hopefully ongoing you can keep the dialogue going and this situation won't arise again.
Sasha
Cdsamswife,
Thanks for sharing, and especially the update. It is nice to hear from couples that can work things out. Too often I've seen threads devolve into a negative outcome. Yours is more inspirational.
If it bugs you tell him your true feelings on the matter and tell him that you support him but want the truth if thats correct.
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