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Thread: My Journey

  1. #1
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    My Journey

    Hello everyone!

    I am a 30 year old who identifies as a trans woman. I was born and raised in Utah. I started having thoughts as a young child how I wanted to wear dresses and paint my nails like all the other girls my age and was very jealous. I didnít have access to any feminine things until I was a late teen making money, then the internet became my friend. I started ordering things that was easy to conceal from everyone. My upbringing taught me to be extremely ashamed of what I was doing.

    I got a girlfriend at 20, purged everything, and moved out of the house. I ended up marrying a different girl in 2013 and I have now been married 5 years with a 4 year old daughter. I kept my secrets hidden inside all of those years and became a ďfamily manĒ to try and suppress it. I would sneak every once in a while, maybe 4 times a year when I had the chance still in the closet and still ashamed of what i was doing.

    I came out to my wife as a CD a year and a half ago and I was extremely happy for the 1st year, then I knew there was more to it than that. I went to a therapist who helped me to self realize the severity of my problems and to help me not feel ashamed of myself. I fit 5/6 on the gender dysphoria criteriaís. My wife is super supportive, and will try to make it all work, along with other close friends and family that know.

    I start a new job this month so I canít start my transition right away until I make sure I can support my family. If everything goes well I will be self employed in 5 years and making enough money to do both.

    GD has increasingly been bothering me now that I have a circle of loving and accepting people. But I just have to keep focused and know that I need to put my family first and then Iíll be able to live as my true self.

    Thanks for reading, Iím an open book, feel free to ask me any questions and I will try my best to answer them!

    Ariana

  2. #2
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    im glad your doing great and life is looking up for you , and you have some direction in your life, but please take it slow with your great wife because it sounds like she is just starting this new chapter of her life , it maybe great now but she may start to change her mind down the road sometime if you push this to hard and fast on her.
    ( just my 2 cents ,and have seen it happen before )

  3. #3
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Chelyann,

    Thatís the exact advice I am following. She is amazing and doesnít know what the future will be and If she can do it or not. She said she wants me to be my true self and will try to make it work. Every single step she will be included. We have 100% communication. I want to make sure her and my daughter are 100% taken care of and loved before I do me.

    My wife didnít choose this, so ignoring gender stereotypes, that is why Iím obligated to provide for her and make her life great instead of being consumed in me being selfish. One day at a time, continue loving each other, and trying to better both of our lives.

    No matter what happens, she is my best friend.

  4. #4
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    that's great . good luck .

  5. #5
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Alot of what you thought in your mind is EXACTLY how I thought.. My thoughts occurred in slow motion though...I spent 20 years in total repressed mode with the GD mitigated by Alot of secret crossdressing...ALOT..lol...along with an amazing amount of compartmentalization...

    its always interesting to me how some of us cope, how some of us rationalize and how some of us fight the fight...and others just "know" right away....so I think it helps others to share your thoughts because over and over I get PM's that say they felt the same way.... and for many of us it was/is quite a struggle to understand ourselves because its so confusing and distressing and the idea of really being yourself is so daunting and the execution of successful transition is so difficult and sometimes pretty risky...

    I had a wonderful transition with some bumps and it sure seems you have the most important thing, which is your head on straight..

    My wife left me...it was pretty bad at first...but we are coparents and are now each others best friends and support each other...

    I wish you alot of success
    I am real

  6. #6
    Untitled Nigella's Avatar
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    The road to Womanhood is a long one, just remember, you have been on it all your life, even if you didn't realise it. I am one of the fortunate TS's whose SO has been with me every step of the way and it takes a strong person to go through transition by proxy.

    I'm glad that you have included your SO 100% it is IMHO the right thing to do.

    I look forward to sharing your journey with you
    Dun & Dusted


  7. #7
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Kaitlyn,

    Iím so happy your transition was wonderful! And Iím also sorry that your marriage didnít work out! Was there any other reasons besides you being TS? Iím interested to know, but you donít have to tell me that personal info if you choose not to. Or if you donít feel comfortable posting it here, you could PM me.

    My wife has expressed that she is going to give it 100% a chance to work. But the worse cause scenario would be remain best friends and be amazing coparents. Which I realize there are others that probably have it worse.

    Nigella,

    Thanks for your kind words! I see that you donít post that much, with exception to the intro forum or general admin duties, thanks for taking such an interest in my story!

    And I tend to notice successful transitioning with your SO remaining by your side takes that 100% by both sides to make it work. Itís definately a journey that I want to include my wife on, and at the end of it, we wonít be able to say we both didnít try our best.

    Iím definately going to lean on the shoulder of those members of this forum that have been down similar paths as me. My support circle continues to grow, and in return it gives me greater strength and concentration for the future. Everyone deserves and desires love and to be their true self.
    Last edited by Ariana225; 06-06-2018 at 01:44 PM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Its Ok

    She was just not interested. We are a different generation and I spent the first 18 years of marriage in denial.. When it all poured out of me, she felt hurt and betrayed. She didnt know any of it, and there really was no discussion.

    When I think back, it was for the best for both of us. I used a term "keep your head on straight"... It was kind of a gift to me after the sting subsided. I didnt realize how desperate I would become... I thought freedom to dress up and go out and have fun with the other CD's was wonderful, but that didnt last. I can imagine telling my wife that I would never transition, that I have no desire to, that I was OF COURSE NOT TS!!! It would have made it much worse for both of us...

    I think the thing to be careful of is to not make promises. in my experience you have no way to know if you can keep them. No matter what you think. So working together means that she has to understand this.
    Its a hard thing for her to accept because it really means at the end your needs could over ride hers, but if the GD hits hard , there is nothing I know of that can stop it other than pushing forward with more gender expression and potentially transition.... in my experience many of us think its our call, but its really GD's call!!! IMO of course
    I am real

  9. #9
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing your story!

    And I totally agree with your last statement. She and I were making a timetable for every step that we are going to take. And I told her that Iím going to try my hardest to stick to that plan but I canít make any promises about them because I donít want to break them. I also told her no matter what she would be involved.

    I donít know where I will be at with myself in the future, so all I can do right now is express myself in the ways I need to and see where the journey leads us. Just like with anything else, Iíll give it nothing but my best.

  10. #10
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    I too am one of those fortunate ones to transition with the 100% support of my wife. As a matter of fact, I could not do it without her. She has always been accepting of my feminine personality, let me wear her clothes before I had the courage to buy my own, never had any shame to be seen in public with me. Since I came out publicly, people would ask her how she dealt with the "big change in me?" Her answer is amazing; he-she didn't really change, we always had this "best girl friend relationship," now it is just visible on the outside. I have no advice on how to do it, it was just given to me. I am deeply grateful.

  11. #11
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Dorit! That is so awesome! Your wife sounds like an amazing lady, and I wish you two nothing but the best! I know how important it is to have someone that loves and supports you!

    Itís still fairly new to my wife, but I believe she can overcome the new me and we will both flourish eventually. I know itís going to take a lot of work, be a bumpy road, and lots of patience and understanding needed.

    Itís the only thing that keeps me focused and going in general. Life is a journey and not a finish line, I need to remember that.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Vanessa Grandy's Avatar
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    Ariana,
    Thanks for posting your journey.
    I'm one of the lucky that wife support but in my case she's completely aware, actually netheir i am, to where this transition would take us.
    We are living in a small gated community with 7 more neighbors included my older son and his family that wufe doesn't want he knows, i agree it, because now he moves to live with us for a inminent divorce with a kid of 9 years old in bwtween. So for now I have to keep the appearances.
    We both agreed that when we move out of this community, to a house, it will be more freedom for my transition. At the same time, our income, now, comes almost exclusively for a child day care wife runs at home so we don't want to present changes to parents. You know, a lot of people relate, crossdressing, trasgender people with sex and sexual perversions.
    For those reasons we have to be careful.

    Question: you don't mention if you're in therapy, HRT...and how far you want to go.
    Thanks again,

    Vanessa
    It's me, Vanessa, in the core just a sensitive woman with a strong male appearance...

    https://www.facebook.com/vanessa.grandy.161

    kisses...

  13. #13
    Untitled Nigella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ariana225 View Post

    Nigella,

    Thanks for your kind words! I see that you don’t post that much, with exception to the intro forum or general admin duties, thanks for taking such an interest in my story!
    I'm on the other side of the pond, as it were, so my experience although fairly recent, is generally not relevant to our American sisters, so my contributions to most threads in this forum is limited.
    Dun & Dusted


  14. #14
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Vanessa,

    Iíve been to therapy several times and I have received my gender affirmation HRT letter. I fit 5/6 on the GD spectrum. I might not need it if I get the right doctor who follows WPATH. But I still got it just in case and itís for me to look at it as a first step and cherish it.

    Me and my family are relocating 3-4 hours away, so Iím waiting until I can see a doctor there for HRT and to get hormone level and overall health monitoring during hormones.

    Your other question about how far I want to go. Thatís a very important question that I donít think I can, or anyone transistioning in general, can answer that. My first step will be HRT. After that, I would like FFS, top, and bottom surgery. But I donít have a time table on any of those. One day at a time, one step at a time.

    I see youíre still new on your journey as well, I wish you the best in your transistion and that you can find peace and happiness with who you are. Just finally being able to admit and accept who you are, can already be a weight lifted off your shoulder!

    Nigella,

    I understand, much love and respect to our sisters on your ďside of the pondĒ! 😉

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member elizabethamy's Avatar
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    THIS from Ariana: "I donít think I can, or anyone transistioning in general, can answer that. My first step will be HRT. After that, I would like FFS, top, and bottom surgery. But I donít have a time table on any of those. One day at a time, one step at a time"

    I have never been able to see all the steps. at times I have thought, ew, I'm not doing that, I don't need that..or I don't know what that's like, how it feels, etc. This time after my previous failures to summon up the nerve to transition I decided to let go of the fear and the obsessive planning. So it's one thing at a time, and all of it, from the first person you tell to the very end, is big. What order does/should it happen in? Just knowing that I'm transitioning, and that I'm starting hormones and hair removal on the most dysphoric of locations, and that I'm feeling both stronger and more feminine and more willing to let "her" emerge with little or no regard to where I am or with whom, is more than enough right now.

    The end goal is not to win some kind of race, or even to emerge as a woman at the end of the process. It's to be a woman and to live her life in the way I've denied myself for decades. What the components of the process are, and in what order they occur, is just unfolding one thing at a time. For example, I was never very dysphoric about body hair. Then I shaved it off, and I thought, I've shaved all my life, I don't need electrolysis or laser I'll just keep shaving the chest and legs. That lasted about a week. Now I know that if the hormones don't zap those locations, I'm coming after them with a technological vengeance.

    So it seems each thing I do makes me more determined to do more, makes me notice or feel more dysphoric about various bits and components of testosterone-driven bodily problems...it seems that the most important thing is to love yourself, notice what you need, and give it to yourself. Easier said than done after our lives of lonely denial and external disapproval, but when I stick to that, it not only works, it makes me feel better than I ever have.

    And I wish joy to all and a life that fits. It's different for each of us -- Ariana is putting her family first; I no longer can do that. It's coming down to them or me, and I wish it were some other way, but if that's how it goes I'm not going to let it block me yet again. I've decided that's just how it has to be, and it's not fun to be in that place, and I still hope it doesn't end that way, but -- everyone has to do what will keep her alive, sane and thriving -- at minimum alive.

    two cents that turned into too many,

    elizabethamy

  16. #16
    Member Ariana225's Avatar
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    Elizabeth,

    I havenít been posting as much and mostly lurking around reading posts. Iíve read a lot of what you have said. And I believe in your situation you have every right with no regrets to continue forward. Youíve gave your loved ones plenty of time to process it with no further progress.

    The reason I am doing what Iím doing is because my wife is totally on board with it. She wants to continue to love me no matter what. With moving, starting another career, etc. will all help me in the long term to be who I am.

    Everyoneís journey is different, and I believe you are on the right path! Youíve been putting everyone first in your life for too long and now itís time for you to flourish! Keep doing you girl!

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