Do you dress for acceptance or for yourself?

[franlee]

I dress for myself. It is my means of distraction from everyday life and problems in some cases. The trouble or nuisance that come with it are fun details. I suppose if I were a GG I would consider it a nuisance too to have too. But I am sure I would feel accomplishment and confident when I did dress as the stereotypical female of years gone by. Dress/skirt and blouse and all the proper assessors along with the makeup. This is not dressing up to me, an evening gown or special event attire would be dressing up.

[NancySue]

No question, it’s a deeply personal desire for me. I, almost always dress underneath, which often initiates additional cding. This includes nighties, panties and sometimes nylon stockings at night. I have passed, but very nervous when I venture out...small, nosy neighborhood and town.

[GeorgeA]

Hello Cathreen,

Your post reminds me of a sociology student asking very similar questions a couple of years back, required for her studies.

As a miad (see below) I dress for myself only. There is no chance of going out with facial hair, unless one considers walking on the sidewalk in front my house late at night as being "out".

What I wear I do not consider as women's clothes, they are my regular everyday attire. I do not emulate women, wear no wigs, makeup, jewellery, women's shoes, etc.

It was more fetishistic in my younger years but has evolved into something that I just like to wear without ever thinking that I impersonate a woman. I thoroughly detest wearing trousers of any kind and find skirts very much to my liking.

I noticed that quite a few replies were from other miads. I think we are probably more numerous than many think.

Do not hesitate to ask me anything.

[Queen Bridget]

I would dress for acceptance, but I would never get it, so I just do it for myself.

My phone camera and bedroom accept me and don't judge

[susmitha]

I dress for acceptance and for myself. Both.

[Tina B.]

Just a me thing, I'm to old to change now, I've been dressing for almost 69 years, went out once in my youth, did not feel good about it, have dressed at home every since. I live in a small town, and it would embarrass my wife and kids if I where seen around town in a dress, and I really don't feel the need to share this side of be with others. Except for my wife who has known for 40+ years and has been great in helping me be comfortable with who I am. When I was young, admitting you where trans, was a fast way to a shrinks couch and possibly electro shock therapy. some even tried a lobotomy. so it was best to stay under cover, that may not be the case anymore, but it still has a lot of negativity for a lot of people. And I'm just to old to deal with it now days.

[confused_cathreen]

Just a me thing, I'm to old to change now, I've been dressing for almost 69 years, went out once in my youth, did not feel good about it, have dressed at home every since. I live in a small town, and it would embarrass my wife and kids if I where seen around town in a dress, and I really don't feel the need to share this side of be with others. Except for my wife who has known for 40+ years and has been great in helping me be comfortable with who I am. When I was young, admitting you where trans, was a fast way to a shrinks couch and possibly electro shock therapy. some even tried a lobotomy. so it was best to stay under cover, that may not be the case anymore, but it still has a lot of negativity for a lot of people. And I'm just to old to deal with it now days.

With you being a person who has seen how social acceptance has evolved through different generations, I wanted you to know that I know from a reliable source that the millenials have a much more relaxed attitude towards crossdressers than my generation (40+) has. Just thought you would find this fact an encouraging sign of where society is heading. And my logical side is very happy to witness this. And I say this with the full realisation that I have my own prejudices to overcome. But as a whole, if men could express this side of themselves freely, then GGs like myself would make a more informed decision about whether we wanted a relationship, with all the cards on the table. Which surely is a win-win for all!

[Valentina_Rossi]

Hi Cathreen!!!!

What an interesting question... I was interested to see the difference of the answers. I am guessing that one *must* get something out of it - otherwise why go to all that trouble - and that is fairly clear. But the *why* seems to be much more ellusive.

In my particular case, when I switch to female mode it is an all or nothing proposition. It takes quite a bit of work! hip padding, waist cincher, breastforms and bra. Then, dress or trousers and top, heels and accesories. Finally, wig, makeup and sometimes colored contact lenses. So nothing for me like MIAD or just a dress on top. I do not judge or condem, it is simply that it is not for me. Also, I do not particularly like or dislike using stockings, lace underwear, etc, so it is not an erotic act per se, or a fetish. I do all always in privacy, and I have been terrified to be seen, when I ventured to the balcony just to get a bit of natural light.

What do I get out of that? It is an expression of what initially were a set of stereotypically female characteristics, but that have now evolved in a female persona. Now, to be have to develop a female persona to be able to cry - for instance - is fairly extreme, but I will get to that. At least in the mental sense, it is not that different as to switch languages. In fact, my base language is different in my male and female sides, maybe as an extra contrivance to keep both sides separate.

I should also say that this is a female side as developed/imagined/invented by a man. That in itself should be troublesome, and I try to be as dignified as I can. My mom is a second wave feminist, and she would have issue with the idea that there are qualities that are typically female or male. That is why I try to make the distinction and use the word stereotype. As you can see, I am much more conflicted about the issue of representation than the crossdressing itself. I am very girly in female mode, and I am not quite sure what to make of it.

Now, *why* I do it? Of course, there are no easy or unique answers. But let me try to explain at least some causes, I think. I am from Latin América, and our culture is very very different from the Anglo-Saxon one, just by being ex-colonies of Spain or Portugal. Men have to be very macho, but also be a pillar of strenght, and of emotional closeness. Normally, all that is just theoretical and it might just result in macho posturing, as I have seen in men in the US.

But I have seen my country crumble, the values that supposedly were cherished being proven false or misleading, and a very dark side of us as a culture come to light. I have lived through economic crises where the currency devaluated to nothing and any sense of security dissapeared with the bank deposits. On top of that, the Cold War was not an abstraction to us, but a very real possibility of two lunatic powers bent on destroying each other were fighting their proxy wars via us. I had to do mandatory military service in those conditions and I hated every minute of it, as I hate the military in general. I am being vague on purpose, since my description would fit from Mexico, Cuba, Argentina, Chile and everything in between.

Now, I am middle class, and I have never been kidnapped, or a political prisoner, or anything of the like. So I had it the same as anybody in my generation, and I am not a special case by any means. In those difficult conditions, you just had to assume your role and try to provide, help, console, but *never* show weakness - being the man. But what if you have a softer, vulnerable, submissive, tender, side?

My therapist thinks that my idea of gender roles is *too* rigid, and that to be able to express that side of myself - that maybe another could just do it as a man - I went to the extreme of making another persona. As a female, I can also express feelings that are even more unseemly as a Latinoamerican man, like wanting to be delicate and pretty. Maybe even superficial and frivolous! What I can say is that being able to switch to female mode brings me a lot of joy, and my female side is someone who does not carry a heavy emotional baggage. She is more or less a blank slate, in a sense.

This is already a really long post, but I thought that your question merited a thoughful answer. I would be happy to answer (or try!) more questions via this thread or PM. I hope this is useful to you.

Thanks for starting this thread, and to everybody who answered... it helps to keep perspective!

Love love,
Val

[Cherylgyno]

Cathreen. I dress for myself. Negative people's opinions? My answer was originated in 1939... Frankly my dear I don't give a darn.
I can't speak for everyone, just myself. Being a cross dresser isn't an addiction, it's much more than that. It's who I am.
I am an under dresser every day outside my house. I have D cup breasts due to gynecomastia from meds. I neither hide nor flaunt my breasts.

[biancabellelover]

Hi Cathreen,

I dress for myself. I don't own a wig and don't wear makeup. I underdress almost all the time and dress at home around 3-4 days per week. When I am dressed I tuck, wear hip and bum pads, and a padded bra. It can take a while to put together an ensemble (which is never a problem when I dress male) and that can be a pain, but I like to be co-ordinated (and my wife will immediately point out if I'm wearing things that shouldn't go together).

There is some eroticism for me when I dress, but that is nearly always when I'm wearing lingerie. I love the feel of wearing womens clothing, and I like the way I feel when I'm dressed. I wear the pads because I want to look in the mirror and see a female shape.

For me, it's like I've become a female version of myself: more calm, more poised, more thoughtful, less impulsive, and slower in my movements. It's definitely a stress relief for me, and I find that I miss it if I've not been able to dress for more than a few days.

I'd love to dress more often, but the world isn't ready for a MIAD, and certainly not in my day-to-day.

It's possible that I'll fall into your second category in that one day I'd like to put on a wig, make-up and go out en-femme. But not yet. It would take some convincing. IF it ever happens, it's likely the first time would be at a fancy dress party.

Michelle.

[Janine cd]

I've always considered dressing up as a way to express my feminine desires. I never thought of trying to pass as a real girl. The desire to be feminine is ingrained in my psyche. There is no was that I can deny it. I try to present myself as a woman only in my own mind. The vision I see in the mirror when I'm dressed is enough for me.

[sometimes_miss]

You'll get a lot of different answers, but one thing that you forget, is most crossdressers don't know why they want to crossdress in the first place.
I can only tell you my case. At a young age, I was told that god made a mistake, and that I was supposed to be a girl. He would go on to give me reasons which, at that age, I had no way to debate. So I went through most of my developmental years thinking that I was supposed to be a girl...and of course, supposed to be wearing girl clothing. Initially, he was dressing me up as a girl for him to use. Was I dressing up for someone else at that point? Yes. But never for anyone else, ever again. It was all to make myself feel normal. And still is.

Wearing clothing, jewelry, etc., provides visual, tactile, olfactory, auditory feedback telling me that I am female, and appropriately dressed for who I am (even though that information is wrong). I see, feel, smell, and hear things that girls do, and males, don't. It all goes a long way towards fixing the cognitive dissonance that results from a deep held belief that I'm female, while also having knowledge that proves that belief to be wrong.
Despite knowing that I am male, and all of that misinformation was wrong, and perhaps because it all happened when I was in the years of development when my mind and personality was still incomplete, it appears that the feeling that I'm supposed to be a girl and of course, be wearing appropriate things, will never go away. So rather than continually fight the feelings, I just go with it. Otherwise, I constantly feel like I'm in the wrong clothes. The best way I can explain it, is, consider if you're at a formal affair. A wedding, christening, formal dinner with a hundred guests. Everyone else is in a tuxedo or evening gown. But YOU are in a bathing suit. Doesn't matter if it's a gender correct bathing suit. You're going to feel uncomfortable, always feeling like people are looking at you, and knowing that you're dressed in a very wrong outfit. That's how I feel when I'm in man clothes. I manage to get by in short stints by pretending that I'm wearing a uniform for whatever task I have to do, but of course, that doesn't last any longer than the task does. I always want to return to 'normal'. And for me, girl clothes are the only thing that feels normal.
I didn't ask for this. And I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. But I have to live with it, and this is the only way I know of to live without letting it drive me crazy.
There is much discussion on the net about men 'prancing' and 'parading' about, supposedly exhibitionists all, trying to show the world their feminine selves. I think that in many cases, nothing could be further from the truth.
We do it to feel normal. Unfortunately, the world thinks we are anything but, which is why so many of us remain closeted.

Many of us only dress up as females part of the time. I suggest that the rest of the time, we are either consciously or subconsciously suppressing the desire to dress as female. Most of the crossdressers here will tell you that if we do not dress up every so often, we get increasingly irritable, or depressed. In rare cases, some become suicidal. All because of the inner turmoil in our minds.

I once managed to keep the crossdressing suppressed for about ten years. How? Everything in my life was going well. I was apparently able to keep the desire under subconscious control. Only when things started going bad, did the urge to crossdress return, and, with everything else 'hitting the fan', the desire to crossdress was just one more stress that I couldn't deal with all at the same time. And as I couldn't stop any of the other problems, giving into the desire to crossdress was one of the only things that I could do to alleviate my stressful situation. Unfortunately, my wife decided that was not appropriate, which increased my stressful life even further. And my marriage ended in divorce.

Please remember that none of us asked for this. Some have convinced themselves that being a crossdresser is a wonderful thing, even though it may have destroyed their marriage, friendships, careers, and family relationships. I suppose that's one way to deal with it. But I'm not able to make myself believe that this is a good thing, when it's done so much harm.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Cathreen…

So many thoughts cascading together to attempt a personally honest reply.

I can identify with your feelings that dressing up is a nuisance; I feel that way any time I have had to wear a suit and tie which, admittedly, is a far cry less than my time in dresses et al. None of my traditionally male wardrobe feels as nice on my body as does my traditionally female wardrobe. Indeed, a nice skirt/blouse ensemble or dress with stockings and lingerie (bra and forms and occasionally some jewellery, yes) feels much nicer. I know, go figure with the bra. So many women would love not to have to wear one and they can sometimes itch after prolonged use so why would we do this? And I imagine that heels are simply a form of female foot torture…yet I enjoy them. Again, go figure.

So the tactile feel of silk and satins, stockings, heels, and even earrings (no wig nor makeup) are very welcome. I do find the range of colours and designs much more exciting with traditional women’s wear. My mind does occasionally follow ensembles that are stereotypically of a female image such as a secretary, a maid, or as a bride or bridesmaid. Perhaps it is how much I like to see a woman dressed as such that drives me to want to emulate those moments and outfits as a man (no female manerisms) for my own personal satisfaction.

I am generally an average person socially but do not wear or do anything to draw attention to myself. When I have my personal time to dress en femme I allow myself to wear brighter colours and enjoy the comfort of the materials that are by and large societally restricted access for male adornment. I like both sides of my personality in this regard.

To answer more directly I dress for myself and only in private. I go through the trouble of dressing for the tactile sensations and to satisfy the portion of my personality that identifies to what a woman would traditionally wear. I have no current intention to go public although I admit that it would be nice to do more average activities dressed as such without concern of reprisals.

Feel welcome to pm or ask more quesitons here if you would like to share more conversation. An interesting exploration...

Veronica.

[EllieOPKS]

As a GG, I consider dressing up a nuisance and more trouble than it's worth. It's propably one of the things that women find perplexing about their CD partners. But I have been reading through the various threads of this forum, and one question presented itself: for those of you who haven't gone out in public dressed (and only those please!), why do you go through all the trouble? Is it for yourselves or with the ultimate goal of one day venturing outside? Do you consider every time you dress practice to reach that point of what you call "passing as female"? In extension to that, if your aim is to go out, was it always the aim or did it evolve to that? Would you be happy with never fullfilling that side of a CD's life? In short, is the pleasure you get from dressing up dependent on the acceptance of others or is it a deeply personal desire?

HI Cathreen
I qualify to answer because I have never been out in public dressed which will be changing soon. Why do I go to all the trouble? Well, for me its not trouble at all. It's as much fun as preparing for a day of fishing. I enjoy laying out my clothes and deciding how I will dress for the day. This is "me" time, just for me and no one else. My decision to dress and go out in public is highly dependent on being accepted or tolerated or best of all just ignored. I am a polite person and try to be kind to others and try and follow the golden rule of treat others as you wish to be treated but I think that it would be difficult for me to "stay calm and carry on" if someone out of the blue decided to harass me or put me down, so in short that's what keeps me closeted.
Now, from a man's perspective please don't think dressing up as more trouble than its worth. You're actually admired by men and women alike when you do.

[AllieBellema]

I dress for myself pretty much. The only time I'm really out in public is when I cross play at conventions or on halloween. Otherwise, I just dress up at home when I'm in the mood for it.

[Glenda58]

When I first started dressing it was for me making me feel good. After awhile I wanted to be accepted as a female and I try harder to make it happen.

[Robin777]

I dress for myself. I dress to let my feminine side out. I doubt if I could ever pass as a female in public. Maybe 40 some years ago ,but not now. Now i dress just to make me happy.

[Glendy]

I dress for "escapisim"--to take a vacation from myself--if only for a few hours. It totally RELAXES me and all my stresses "unwind".

I dress to please myself. I now understand why it takes a female longer to get ready. That is for me now when getting dress, if I'm going to wear a skirt trying on different blouses to which one matches better. As for dresses trying to decide which one I want to wear that day then deciding which shoes to wear. I enjoy going through the process of getting dressed up and that's not even the part of applying makeup. At the end when I look in the mirror it makes the whole process worth it to me. I am not a woman, but l look and feel feminine and that makes me very comfortable and happy.

[Pixie_94]

I don't even remember. I haven't done it in a long time. I only get feelings of guilt and shame.