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Thread: What does "Being Outed" mean to u?

  1. #1
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Question What does "Being Outed" mean to u?

    I've been here for ages. Until recently, I thot "being outed" meant your family, relatives, or non trans work folks or friends knew u dressed? I go out a lot to large T events in vanilla venues. I have countless T friends, their spouses, and a few men that attend those events.

    But, I think of myself as a closet dresser because I don't go out dressed near where I live. No one, except my immediate family, knows I dress. So, I'm out to them, but no one else. I do not consider myself being outed to the 1000+ strangers that have seen me out dressed. Because they don't know anything about my male persona!

    Yet, I'm reading more and more posts here like, "I outed myself to the SA!". If the SA knew who u were in drab? Then, I would agree. But, many of these SA's, etc. that dressers say they r outed to r strangers!

    Do u consider it "outing yourself" when the person is a stranger!?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

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  2. #2
    Member LydiaL's Avatar
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    I concur with your definition of "being outed" (or "out to") completely. I do not believe that dressed and presenting to strangers, whether "read" or not, constitutes meeting the definition of "being outed".

  3. #3
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    Never really thought about it, but I'd have to say that for me being 'outed' would be when someone sees me dressed and is able to connect it to my normal every day male persona.

    As for strangers, who cares what they think

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    I don't really class it as "outing" when strangers see you. Since their reaction has no impact on your life.

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    I'm with you on this Doc. There are quite a few people who know I dress or have seen me dressed but I'm only "out" to two.

  6. #6
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    It's easy, you are out but you are not OUT.

    Outing oneself to a stranger or maintaining a separation between the two sides of you doesn't make you out. I am living proof.

    Being out means no subterfuge whatsoever.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  7. #7
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    I have to agree. if you are out to strangers then you are not out.
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  8. #8
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    If someone sees you "out" doesn't mean you are "outed". I think someone needs to know more about the greater percentage you before you are outed. And if they are strangers before and after that outing, it doesn't really matter.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Because they don't know anything about my male persona!:
    I have to agree with you Doc.
    Anyone that cannot connect the two personae doesn't matter.
    It is the person that can connect the two that can create an issue.

  10. #10
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    I will join with the consensus, to me being outed is to someone who knows me personally. Whether it is telling another, or being scene in a CD state, there has to be a personal connection to it being in the "outed" scenario.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  11. #11
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    Sherry,
    So lets get the basic fact of what we think " Outed " means .

    To me it simply means people whether friends and family or the general public know I crossdress , in other words the secret is out in the open .

    So we now come to the degrees of being outed , all my family know but none have seen me so to me I'm not out 100% to them which is a huge difference . You question whether being out to a stranger is truly being out to who you are . When our nearest and dearest finally find out what are their fears ? They first think what will the family think , then they consider the " Shame " of good friends knowing but finally they really don't want is it spread around the countryside , you may not know the SA personally but the chances are they will have a friend of a friend and along the grapevine it will gradually filter back home . So no matter who you come out to it's still exposing family , friends and the general public to your crossdressing .

    To me it had to happen , I separated from my wife so I could fully come to terms with it . Gradually in small steps I'm dressing more and more , my neighbours all know and have seen me , most of the people associated with my move and property buying have seen me as both but some only as Teresa , the SAs in my regular shops have become friends . The real tester for me was standing in front of a group of NHS delegates dressed to talk about the NHS in regard to the help I've received as a TG , to me that was OUT in a big way .

    Also you question if not being known in drab is really coming out , well if transition is still in the future for me , I'm sure many TSs don't want to retain any evidence of the male traits , so what does being out then mean to TSs . I can only guess that it means out totally as a woman , there is no inbetween to fall back on . This is also why I couldn't do MIAD , why do I want the inbetween state ? There is no comfort for me dressed in that state , to me it's a total confusion as I'm sure it is to other people .

    Crossdressing has two states , being closely stuck in the closet where no one knows , as soon as you tell one person or the postman sees you , you are " OUT " full stop , because that is when the real ups and downs start , you don't know what the next step is , whether you can even continue and decide to purge all your stuff or decide I need more and the " Pink Fog " takes over

    Others have answered strangers don't matter but it is a small World you don't know who that so called stranger does know . On more than one occasion I've overheard a conversation where I thought a shop or whatever was safe only to hear a family member or a close friend works alongside them . If we are out we are not safe until we come totally to terms with it , then who know really doesn't matter , thank goodness I'm getting to that stage .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-10-2018 at 05:09 AM.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
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    Teresa, I like your comment and great information , thank You.

    Rayleen
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    Rayleen

  13. #13
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I suppose in some respects, being out in recognizably myself, even among strangers, as a way of being “out“. But I would agree, that one isn’t really out, Until it’s among the people who have some meaningful relationship with you. That may be a family relationship, work colleagues, or people you’re farmiliar with some lower lesser level.

    That being said, being open with the sales clerk, or a cashier still involves a level of self exposure. And being able to be honest with strangers make curiously be a step towards learning to be honest with those closer to you.

  14. #14
    Mannequiniste ! Stacy Darling's Avatar
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    I use the term "Here" only, and what I do in person to person situations translates more as "more clearly explaining who I am"

    If I think of it in that way, Outing myself to anyone is outing myself, and if I'm talking to them long enough to out myself to them then they are no longer a stranger! estranged possibly?

    Stacy!
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  15. #15
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    I think if it is close family and friends then i consider that outing yourself .If it someone in passing then not so much
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  16. #16
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Saying that you outed yourself to the SA is just for a lack of a better way to say it. I guess one could say that they told the SA that they crossdress (which I have done a few times). What other ways are their to tell the story of admitting to a stranger that you crossdress? I don't see anything wrong with using the word "outed" in this situation but it might be considered "click bait" when used in a title.

    Truly being outed would be - to someone that knows you as a male that somehow found out that you crossdress. That one person will probably tell 10 more people and so on!
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  17. #17
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    “Being outed” is an involuntary act and is often done through ignorance and malice. I know what you’re talking about with these posts because they drive me crazy! You didn’t out youself, you came out. If was an accident and you didn’t mean to tell the SA then that would be a proper use. But if you just decide to tell someone, it’s just coming out, not “outing youself”.

    It’s an important distinction because in LGBT history, “outing” someone was a borderline act of violence toward someone. There is very important historical context behind “outing” that I don’t think a lot of the people here understand.
    Last edited by Micki_Finn; 06-10-2018 at 10:03 AM.

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    Sherry,
    I couldn't stop thinking about this thread and now I've read other replies I've had chance to think it from another angle .

    You and others have suggested that coming out to strangers doesn't count but in fact I feel it's as important perhaps even more so . When close family and friends find out they know more or less where you are on the TG road , they would almost certainly know if you were in transition and had SRS . The SA and the person in the street don't know this, to them you could be a TS and had gone through full transition , it's immaterial if they think you pass as a woman, the fact is you are one so they may well treat you as such unless you tell them otherwise .

    To give you an example, we go to a shopping village for late night shopping , there are three CDers on various steps along the TG road and one TS who has had SRS . All the people we meet in the shopping village treat us the same way , they don't ask and we don't drop it into our conversations , we are all out to the same degree as far as they are concerned but what as ? Just Cders or a group of TS women .

    To be out to people who initially we don't know to me has as much value as being out to family and friends , the great thing is some of the SAs become friends . The other important point is the more we out ourselves the easier it is for the ones following us .

    Just one final thought , I've found when I've told people they occasionally come out to me , it's happened a couple of times now , people don't remain total strangers for long !
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-10-2018 at 10:40 AM.

  19. #19
    Mannequiniste ! Stacy Darling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    “Being outed” is an involuntary act and is often done through ignorance and malice. I know what you’re talking about with these posts because they drive me crazy! You didn’t out youself, you came out. If was an accident and you didn’t mean to tell the SA then that would be a proper use. But if you just decide to tell someone, it’s just coming out, not “outing youself”.

    It’s an important distinction because in LGBT history, “outing” someone was a borderline act of violence toward someone. There is very important historical context behind “outing” that I don’t think a lot of the people here understand.
    This is so true, and such Malice destroyed people! And I used the term knowing full well the history!
    STOP, Well I just dance the way I feel
    Stop breathing imagine none of this is real

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    Well I just dance the way I feel
    Well I just dance the way I feel
    "Ou Est Le Swimming Pool"

  20. #20
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Thank u, Micki! U said it best.
    "Coming out", to people is voluntary. It means u r either seen dressed or tell someone u do it.

    "Being outed" is involuntary. It means someone who knows your male persona somehow finds out u dress. If they see u dressed or u tell them, that's coming out, not being outed!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  21. #21
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    To me "being outed" means when someone learns about or recognizes your femme self without it being your intention for them to know. This is not the same as you deciding to tell others about yourself.
    Hugs, Carole

  22. #22
    Yendis Sidney's Avatar
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    Back in the day before the internet if you wanted to know the defination of a word you went to Websters Dictionary. It would tell you how to pronounce the word and give you all the meanings of that word if there was more than one meaning. So some words have multiple meanings. I agree with the definitions given for coming out and being outed. I also feel people can have their own definition.

    In another thread I wrote I was standing at a urinal in a men's room alone. Under my skinny jeans I was wearing light blue panties and sheer panty hose. When I finished my business thinking I was alone I turn around with my jeans unbuttoned to tuck in my shirt when a young man walks around the corner. He deffinatelly saw my blue panties and panty hose that I was pulling into place. His eyes kind of got big, he did a 180 and almost ran out the men's room. To me that's being outed.

    When I told my wife and both my daughters about my crossdressing that is coming out.

    Many people use these terms here for many different situations. I haven't found aNY where there is a rule on these terms. Sooooooo let each of use the word or term to explain a situation they are trying to present here. There is enough we as crossdressers have to deal with to worry about you can only use this word for that or this word for that. There is so much anger and misunderstanding out in the world we don't need to bring it into our safe place.

    Enough of my two cents worth. Love to all my sisters.

    Sidney

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    Sherry,
    You have confused the term from your own question , using the word "outed" to mean a voluntary decision and being outed as an involunatary one . So which do you mean ? from your answer to Micki I assume and involuntary action which means I wasted my time trying to give an answer to the voluntary meaning !

    Read the last line of your own thread , that is the question I replied to .

  24. #24
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Let me observe this. I've been outed involuntarily and I've come out voluntarily. The involuntary outings were either by accident or (someone else's) intent. Oddly enough, the involuntary outings caused a bit of a stir, but in the end, little changed. My intentional and deliberate coming out had very significant adverse ramifications for my life. So, who is to say.

  25. #25
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    Sephora's has an eaddress of mine and my phone number, but the MUs have never seen me as a guy. Have I outed myself or just come out to them?

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