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Thread: What does "Being Outed" mean to u?

  1. #26
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    For me, being 'outed' means my secret or privacy as a man who wears women's clothing has been unintentionally or intentionally revealed to others. If I was seen by a neighbor from whom I have been keeping this secret and the neighbor recognizes me, I'd say I've been 'outed,' unintentionally by myself. If a person who knows of my cross dressing, intentionally or unintentionally blabs to someone who does not know of my secret, I'd say I've been 'outed.'

    If I were to make my cross dressing known to others I'd say I am 'out' to them. To me 'out to' and 'outed' differ in whether I intend to keep a secret.

  2. #27
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    I've been here for ages.

    Do u consider it "outing yourself" when the person is a stranger!?
    A while back,I created a thread in the TG section.."It is all fun and games until your last name is involved" about exactly this ! And no,being a secret agent is not the same..

  3. #28
    Senior Member Jaymees22's Avatar
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    I don't consider it "outing yourself" when it's a stranger. I would hope they would just treat me as a woman they don't know.
    I enjoy being a boy, being a GIRL like me!!!

  4. #29
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    “Being outed” is an involuntary act and is often done through ignorance and malice.


    My two cents on this topic is; whom/ what holds true value to the person whom is outed. Outed to a stranger really does NOT hold value. Outed to a SO, ouch$ unless SO loves the persona. Outed at work, ouch$ or unless their LGTG friendly.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  5. #30
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Outed is being visible to someone you know personally.

    The worst type is a casual friend who may talk to others and skew the details.

    The reveal to the general public or casual acquaintances such as shop assistants is not really an outing.

    That's just going out. :-)
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  6. #31
    Lady in Waiting kinky_caitlin's Avatar
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    Totally agree, being out to strangers isnt being out as they have no impact on me and i will most likely never see them again.

  7. #32
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    There is very little doubt regarding the degree of discrimination experienced in the “T” community. Yes, it has gotten much better over the last twenty years, but there’s such a long way to go. I’ve gotten used to the giggles of sales girls when I buy makeup or clothing. I usually ask what they find to be so funny. There is never a response.

  8. #33
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    if you are out to strangers then you are not out.
    Not necessarily true. If you've been seen as a crossdresser and those you saw are likely to again see you in public as a non crossdresser, say, at work, that could potentially cause a problem if they recognize you the second time as well. Especially if there were children present, as they have no tact, and might just yell, 'Mommy, look, there's that funny man we saw wearing a dress yesterday!'.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  9. #34
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    To me, being outed means that someone who knows you finds out you CD. For others who do NOT know you, whether they've seen you dressed and in drab, you are not outed. Now, if you have voluntarily given personal information to another (phone number and eaddress, as I did to Sephora's staff) when you were pretty, that's mighty close to having outed yourself.

  10. #35
    Member Heather Anne's Avatar
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    To me it means that I have been exposed / found out that I am a crosdresser to either family, friends, co-workers, etc. that did not know. When I am out in the public dressed en femme strangers may realize that I am a guy dressed as a woman and that is okay with me. Why? Chances are I will in all likelyhood not see them again nor will they see me again unless I frequent places regularly such as Jason's Deli in Dunwoody, Ga. I get out twice a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Saturday I have lunch at Jason's Deli, all you can eat salad bar. I have on occassion met individuals that have seen me in the restaurant before. That is not a problem with me. I am far enough away from home that it is highly unlikely that I will come across someone that would recognize me. Besides, I am not all that concerned if someone does. I am retired. The only scenario that I would be concerned is if I were to run into my daughter's inlaws. Hopefully they would not recognize me and I could leave the area quickly.

  11. #36
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heather Anne View Post
    I am far enough away from home that it is highly unlikely that I will come across someone that would recognize me. Besides, I am not all that concerned if someone does. I am retired. The only scenario that I would be concerned is if I were to run into my daughter's inlaws. Hopefully they would not recognize me and I could leave the area quickly.
    Perfect example of my term "secret agent" ! So,I ask all "secret agents" if they were to be "held in an interrogation room" could they explain themselves ? I am not being "mean"..I just feel people should be able to honestly explain themselves.

  12. #37
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Yes, but with this caveat.

    The more I went out into the wild between the mid-2000's and the present, the more confident I was with the prospect of splainin' myself to others if need be. Then a voluntary job change happened which gave me pause about my security and ability to provide for my family if I were to do something risky like being outed.

    Then came the doozy. The place where I get my hair cut is well within my usual no-fly zone. It's like, who else would go to this out-of-the-way salon with only three chairs, one that is never used? So a couple months ago, I found myself in my typical state of mind. Despite fully intending to get the hairs cut and styled in full girl mode, when the rubber hit the pavement, I couldn't be bothered. Therefore, I went in guy mode and found my stylist to be booked. She asked me to come back in a couple hours. I did so and sat in one of the handful of chairs in the waiting area only to be greeted by "hey ______" from the chair next to me. It was a business colleague, someone who I have worked closely with for nearly 15 years. He knows one of my best friends as well.

    Needless to say, that put a heavy dose of pause in my attitude about being read. I would like to think that if it ever happened, I'd be well prepared to tell my story but when all is said and done, I'd just assume it didn't happen. Too much at stake.

    But imagine the story had I sat next to him in girl mode? That would have made for one heck of a story to tell.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  13. #38
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    I seen your YouTube video and could point you out of the crowd.

  14. #39
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post

    But imagine the story had I sat next to him in girl mode? That would have made for one heck of a story to tell.
    "Guys being guys" and depending upon his mindset,perhaps he wouldn't have looked closely at all ! "Looks like a Duck..Must be a Duck.. Why a TG person tends to make so many guys "uncomfortable" is really the big question...

  15. #40
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Whether he (or any other dude) would be uncomfortable is completely irrelevant to this scenario. It also has nothing to do with whether he would have looked closely at all. Without the anonymity that a wig can offer, I am instantly recognizable. It wouldn't have taken more than a half a glance of my face for him to have in fact seen me for who I was.

    And speaking to your specific question Rogina, had my colleague/friend encountered me in girl mode, I can imagine I'd have suggested that we grab a coffee (or preferably a beer or three at that point) to talk. I'd have explained myself with 100% honesty, the secondary motivation being that I would want him to keep it confidential. Again, glad to not be discussing that outcome!!!

    Having been a supporter of getting out there into this wonderful world of ours (and don't get me wrong, that has not changed), this thread seems like a great place to share my cautionary tale. I used to be prepared for the possibility of being outed, even bold to a certain extent (yet not reckless) but these days, not so much. The less I choose to go out & about, the snowball of apprehension keeps on growing. It is what it is.
    Last edited by Sara Jessica; 06-16-2018 at 08:45 AM.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  16. #41
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
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    To me being outed means being involuntarily exposed to people that you're not ready to tell that you do what you do. When you decide to open up to a person that you know that is coming out but not being outed since you are in control of the situation.
    As far as strangers or SAs, that is not outting yourself because you'll probably never see them again or there is a reason.
    Again this is how I see it, agree or not?

  17. #42
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    Rogina,
    Your reply #36 is a very good point , I like Sara's analogy of no fly zones , I'm grdually working on them. Only today I've had two people tell me they were talking to mutual friends and didn't like to tell them about me , so I just repled , " Why not ? " Another close friend of both my wife and I said she felt caught in the middle now she knows what I look like , so I replied you simply asked to see what I looked like . That was one I certainly didn't expect from my sister in law , it doesn't concern me know if she tells my wife or not , what can she truthfully do about it ? She can't kick me out ! Youv'e often given me a hard time with my pictures but that is where they serve a useful purpose .

    Nikki,
    As I said in a previous reply , it is a small World , we all assume the SA is a total stranger but it's surprising who her work friends are and the senior mangement . Besides the SAs do enjoy serving us , I'm getting a list now of ones that make the effort to want to serve me again .

    I don't believe there is a safe option coming out to a stranger , OUT is OUT end of story , there are two states in a CDers World , " IN or OUT " once out your World has changed !
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-16-2018 at 05:21 PM.

  18. #43
    Member Paula DAngelo's Avatar
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    I want to offer a new slant on this. First let me say I am not a cross dresser, I am a transgender woman. In other words "I am a woman", so I am looking at this from a different point of view than most here. Being "mistakenly" outed and coming out to some one are both things that I worry about, but for totally different reasons. I worry about being "mistakenly" outed because that could lead to some unwanted consequences. I'm not worried about some one not liking me or thinking less of me, however regardless of what we want to believe there are still people out there that would like nothing better than to see us wiped out of existence, and I really don't care for violence of any kind (I will grant you that this isn't common but it does still happen). As far as coming out to some one, this is something that I generally won't do unless there is a valid and compelling reason for doing so now. First it's generally is none of their business what my past life was like, so why tell them (unless there is a reason that they need to know). Considering that I'm out and about every day, all day, as Paula you might wonder why this should worry me. It does, I value the people that I consider friends, and would hate to lose one of those special people because of something from my past that I would hope would have no bearing on our friendship. Let me give an example to help clarify what I mean. Recently I was talking with a friend that has only known me as Paula. I met her after I started my transition and it has turned into a valued friendship. We were talking about her up coming divorce and the new interest in her life. As the conversation continued we started talking about my lack of companionship. The more we talked the more she was getting confused, and the more she was trying to convince me to not be so negative and down on myself. I'm not down about my self and am actually proud of who I am, but I could tell that the she didn't understand my reasoning for my feelings that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. At this point I made the decision that there was a need to come out to her. The next few words that I spoke were some of the hardest words I have had to speak in my life because they could change something I valued forever. Those words were "You do realize that I was born a male, don't you". The response I got back was both unexpected, and heart warming, it was "I had no idea that you weren't a woman". I'm happy to say that our friendship has not suffered and there is no difference in our relationship, which goes to show that true friends are a wonderful thing.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that while coming out, and being outed involuntarily (and it can be with strangers) are two different things, both of these are something that we might be worried about and that we shouldn't knock anyone for being worried about either, or the way in which they deal with each.

    End of rant.

  19. #44
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    Whether he (or any other dude) would be uncomfortable is completely irrelevant to this scenario. It also has nothing to do with whether he would have looked closely at all. Without the anonymity that a wig can offer, I am instantly recognizable. It wouldn't have taken more than a half a glance of my face for him to have in fact seen me for who I was.

    The less I choose to go out & about, the snowball of apprehension keeps on growing. It is what it is.
    If a person is recognizable as a TG and if a guy isn't interested,then the big ,detailed inspection doesn't happen..From my experience. Perhaps a wig is in your future..

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Rogina once out your World has changed !
    BUT,It isn't always in a bad way ! There is a myth perpetuated here that a genuine outing always has negative results. That isn't true !

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    But imagine the story had I sat next to him in girl mode? That would have made for one heck of a story to tell.
    It is always possible to encounter someone you know in a totally unexpected place. My brother and one of our cousins ran into each other in the head dress of the Statue of Liberty. Each was on a class field trip. One from New Jersey, the other from New York.

    My son-in-law formerly from Chicago was at a Seattle Mariners game with my family when he spotted his next door neighbor from Chicago sitting several rows in front of us and several seats to the left. She was on a summer pilgrimage to visit as many baseball stadiums as possible on the west coast.

    It's always possible to have an encounter with someone you know no matter how careful you plan your adventure.

  21. #46
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Steph, you're leaving out some important points.
    Seeing someone from your home town when you're out of town is a one in a 1000+ ocurrance. Unless u live in a tiny town and r visiting another tiny one nearby.

    Even someone that u r quite familiar with will not be expecting to see someone they know if they r out of town. So, how then will they recognize a male acquaintance in female gear, a wig, and makeup when they aren't looking for, or expecting to see him?

    I have been told a number of times by dressers where they were rite next to familiar friends, some even talked with them, in their home towns and they were not recognized!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  22. #47
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    Sherry,
    You've dropped in the " PASSING " rabbit hole again !

    I will admit I was in that situation recently and the penny finally dropped after a few moments with the voice !

    Rogina,
    At the moment I agree 100% , most those neagative fears are unfounded but as the above comment to Sherry, is that not dropping in the Passing rabbit hole ? I should know better by now !
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-18-2018 at 05:39 AM.

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