DADT agreement

[Debs]

Ok come to some sort of agreement with my wife, I can go to my Static Caravan 2 -4 days at a time (dont have to hide my stuff), no questions asked. LOVE IT!, but wait, I know there is nothing sexual between me and her, I still love her(not in a sexual way), and this is becoming to feel like a hollow victory, Me being selfish still want part of her , my dressing (never going to happen now with her now), in the past she used to tell me to get ready and take me out to friendly pubs and clubs, but thinking back I made it all about me. Everytime we went out it had to be dressed. Pink fog, looking back on it, can see why she went to DADT. So here is another lesson learned by me. There is still the matter of I cant stop it, hide it, avoid it for a while, it will always surface. I did it wrong. If I had got it right I could have had the best of both worlds. Hope some of you girls just setting out on a journey read this, and maybe take some advice that may help you in the future.

[Charlotte7]

Aww Debs, as you say it's something but nothing, other than lessons learned. A hard pill to swallow. I suppose the lesson for others is that any team can only go at the pace of the slowest member. Here's wishing you all the best.

[docrobbysherry]

Debs, it sounds like you've properly worked out things with your SO. Or, have u?

All the, "hers", in your post have me confused if you're referring to Debs or your SO?

[Sashauk]

In hindsight (I know it's a wonderful thing) perhaps it would have been better if, when you used to go out with your wife, you spent a bit more time on her than just all about you. It's pretty obvious to me that she was always going to build up resentment towards 'Debs' if that is all you ever concerned yourself about.

It does sound as if you have come to a resolution but I feel it could have been so much better if you had taken the time to include her wishes. Perhaps if you made it 50% your nights and 50% her nights - even if that meant you going out in drab on those nights - you might not be in the position you are now.

Hopefully, if you try to work at what she wants, things might improve with time.

[Debs]

yes agreement, DADT, but I can have lots of days on my own, must clear the van when daughter uses it (bank hols). But She (my wife) seems to be ok with dressing on my own, or going out from here to meetings. So leaving it at that at the moment. glad we have 2 homes, what she does realize is i that it isnt going away, and what I realize is that I aint going to push it, when I want time at the van, I ask if its convenient for her, if not ok (dismiss pink fog, very hard), and I can dress another day.

[Sashauk]

Asking if it's convenient for her is probably about the best thing you can do at the moment. If you can abide by her wishes she may well come to realise that you are trying your best to make it work for both of you and not just for yourself. Good luck!

[Alice B]

From the start my relationship with my wife was DADT, but she was OK with my dressing. Over the years it has grown to far better acceptance and I can dress, go out or stay home fully dressed, with limited direct contact. It has grown to where I can wear my bra and forms to bed (in a nightie) and in cases like yesterday wear them all day and in some cases for 2-3 full days. We interact as normal and know when it is time to stop when she asks if I am ever going to take them off. All of this takes time and communication. I hide nothing and all my clothing hangs in our joint walkin colset.

[Stephanie47]

I guess I trying to read between the lines. "Thinking back I made it all about me. Everytime we went out it had to be dressed. Pink fog" pretty much identifies (present tense) the issue. By ignoring her, intentionally or unintentionally, you set yourself up for failure. Anything, not just crossdressing, can be a compulsion which will negatively impact a marriage. It can be too much time and money devoted to tricking out a muscle car. Anything. Going to the bar YOU like and she doesn't. No dates to a 'chick movie' or the opera. The end result can be living like brother and sister.

A long time ago I realized wearing women's clothing was my private thing. I no longer felt I needed my wife's approval to validate this aspect of my inner core. Every thing my wife and I do together is as husband and wife, and, not two girl friends. I would counsel men to not pester their wives to do something they really do not want to do!

[Cherylgyno]

I guess an acronym would be dwiw ( dress when I want).
About one month after we wed my wife caught me. I thought I had just wrecked our marriage. While my wife got her friend (she didn't see me) to leave I unzipped my dress. I was about to let my dress drop off. My wife returned. She asked me what I thought I was doing. I gave her the proverbial I'll take it off and never do it again bit. She adjusted my dress and rezipped me. She told me that she wouldn't let me quit.
We chatted all afternoon and into the night. The next morning she asked why I would offer to quit something that I obviously loved to do. I told her that she meant that much to me. She said that I meant just as much to her.

[Jaylyn]

I think every ones situation is different and their s no right or wrong way to work this dressing out. Every just does dressing as to the way that works for them.

[krissy]

Im

In dadt relationship i have been in one for 38 years i cant stand it but i love my wife .but just once in my life i want someone who will love me all of me.I love her that way she cant stand this part of me and i miss our sex life its not there and hasnt been there for over 20 years .we have four grown up kids but now that im old i feel like i missed out ,never got to go out with others never got to dress all up makeup and all .i feel cheated and unloved but why cant i leave her .GUILT i guess .i feel i should have left when she told me she cant stand this part of me but i stayed for our kids.now im too old and fat to go out in the world.I missed so much

[Alice B]

Cheryl, That is the greatest acceptance comment I have ever heard.

[docrobbysherry]

Im

In dadt relationship i have been in one for 38 years i cant stand it but i love my wife .but just once in my life i want someone who will love me all of me.I love her that way she cant stand this part of me and i miss our sex life its not there and hasnt been there for over 20 years .we have four grown up kids but now that im old i feel like i missed out ,never got to go out with others never got to dress all up makeup and all .i feel cheated and unloved but why cant i leave her .GUILT i guess .i feel i should have left when she told me she cant stand this part of me but i stayed for our kids.now im too old and fat to go out in the world.I missed so much

Krissy, how old r u? I'm 75 and get out a lot! When I needed to lose pounds to improve Sherry's figure, I change some bad eating habits. You're too old until your health fails or your in the ground! Don't give up on your dreams! Because anything is possible if u want it bad enuff!

[Beverley Sims]

You may have worked it out,now work on it.

[abby054]

...now im too old and fat to go out in the world.I missed so much

Krissy, Doc is right. Until we start pushing up daisies, no one is too old or too fat. All it takes is hard work. There is no shortage of old fat people in this world, male, female, and otherwise. I find that to be an advantage when blending into the crowd.

[stephenie3756]

Krissy - I hear ya. I am in a DADT. Have been for the past 14 years. The presents I gave my wife when we first got married were from my collection. We fit the same size clothing. So it was great to see "my" collection in our clothes closet. Eventually we move to a different house/city and she opens the boxes with my collection and find them. She was mad that I did not tell her this side of me at the beginning of our relationship, 25 years ago. At this point we have young daughter. So she was accepting at first. But as time wore on, she was really mad and just surpressed it. Finally in 2004, I end up doing a complete purge and we go into counseling. We patched things back together, but then the wheels fell off in 2009. Have been intimate since 2010. After our last counseling session in 2011 where the counselor said there was nothing left for her to help my wife with, I decided I was done working on the relationship. After a year went by, I decided I was just making myself unhappy, I started my collection again. I enjoy women's clothing, heels, etc. My current collection is probably 5 times larger from when I did my complete purge in 2004. If you are going to go, go big or go home is my motto now. I have been to San Francisco and enjoyed dressing and going to Diva's, plus wearing my skinny jeans in public.

My dressing these days are at 4:00am before I head to work. 30 minutes of bliss to start my day. I am glad to read about others on the forum that have wonderful, loving relationships with their wife who lets them dress. My heart goes out to those, like me, that are in the DADT relationships.

Would I be in a better place had I told my wife about my crossdressing before we go married, I do not know. I can't go back and change the past. Only what I can do in the present.