Uncomfortable

[sally stone]

I just finished listening to an interview with Lizzie Hale where she spoke of the motivations behind her band’s new song “Uncomfortable.” After hearing the song, I couldn’t help but wonder how many people I make uncomfortable when presenting my feminine persona.

Clearly, I am sensitive to the feelings of others, but I stop short of denying my own self-expression just to keep others from feeling uncomfortable. Lizzie says the lyrics to their new song celebrates self-expression and champions those who dare to be different. The lyrics remind us that we don’t need to apologize for being who we are, even when we know we might be making someone else uncomfortable.

For the most part, I don’t sense that I am making those I interact with uncomfortable, but there are rare occasions. Just the other day, while purchasing a book at a local bookstore, it was obvious to me, the clerk waiting on me was apprehensive. I think my presence got her flustered as she kept making mistakes during an otherwise simple transaction, and she pattered nervously the entire time. I sensed her distress and felt sorry that I was the cause. Perhaps, I was her first trans customer. If this was the case, I hope her interaction with me prepares her for the next time she encounters her next trans customer.

Ultimately, I can’t change who I am, and in fact, I wouldn’t want to, even if doing so saved someone else from discomfort. And to those out there who are nervous around anyone daring to be different, I encourage them not to be uncomfortable. Instead, I want them to embrace that other person's differences and recognize that unique individuals add color, spice and joy to an otherwise ordinary world.

Hugs,

Sally

[Jaylyn]

There are lots of things that can make someone else uncomfortable. Clowns used to make me uncomfortable.

[Majella St Gerard]

Like I care if someone is uncomfortable around me, that is their problem not mine. Just be yourself.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Sally, You are going to worry yourself into an early grave. Please stop worrying about what others might think or how they might react. We talked about this in your first thread. Simply be yourself and embrace who you are. Everything will follow accordingly.

[Pat]

I'm thinking that transgender people buy books the same way all other people buy books, so if there was discomfort it was the clerk causing it for herself and you have no part to play in that. Same for every other commercial transaction -- trans people buy pizza, go to the movies, get their cars serviced, meet friends for coffee just like everyone else. You don't need to accept any part of anyone's discomfort as your own. If you do, it may be that you don't yet feel that you have the right to be existing and "spoiling" their world -- but that's just internalized transphobia trying to undercut your confidence. You have a right to buy a book like any other member of the public.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sally I understand what your saying but as others have said just be you if their uncomfortable then try and break the ice.
Say something funny or or make them at ease somehow. The more we show others we are just people the better off things
will be.

[Patience]

Sally, Honey, You’re displaying a common trait of intelligent people, namely, you’re assuming everybody else is as intelligent as yourself and therefore anything they happen to do is well reasoned and justified. It’s even easier to have that impression when the person in question happens to work in a bookstore.

It doesn’t work like that. Some folks are dim, some have lived sheltered lives and some are just plain prejudiced. Take a person like that and naturally they’ll flinch every time they see something that deviates from their established world view.

It sounds to me like you’ve integrated into society very well en femme and the bookstore experience is the exception that proves the rule.

Instead of focusing on the one bad experience, think of all the times everything went right. Then consider the ratio: one bad experience out of ....dozens, maybe even hundreds? The successful experiences don’t register the same way because good news is no news.

Finally, this may be my bitchy side talking, but I believe that people who are inconvenienced by folks just because they happen to be different deserve to be inconvenienced. Unless they have some heavy emotional baggage that was inflicted upon them. That’s very sad, but that is no reason to prevent you or anyone else from being themselves. These folks may need treatment. You’re not responsible for that.

Xox,

Tina

[Beverley Sims]

I sometimes out myself to the flustered person.

A little humour does soften the blow a LOT!

From flustered to asking questions about my gender in an instant.

[ellbee]

Sally I understand what your saying but as others have said just be you if their uncomfortable then try and break the ice.
Say something funny or or make them at ease somehow. The more we show others we are just people the better off things
will be.

+1


A while back I shared a quick little story here, where I did just that.

The funny thing was, I wasn't even presenting totally en-femme -- just a dude in a hoodie & leggings, doing some shopping at the grocery store.


The GG-customer behind me in line (maybe early 20's) was a mix of being uncomfortable, intrigued & embarrassed (at herself, at that!). And the young male bagger (maybe late teens?) looked like he wanted to immediately high-tail it outta there as soon as he saw my (women's) leggings -- though to his credit, he stuck it out.

As soon as I noticed all this, I struck up some small-talk with the GG-cashier, who was totally oblivious to what was going on, due to her line of sight. I simply picked a topic (nothing to do with my outfit) that we could all easily relate to at that moment... And the customer & bagger soon jumped into the conversation, making that "elephant in the room" completely disappear for those two.

[susan54]

I give huge credit to the OP for having consideration for others. The woman working in the bookshop was not being hostile - give her a break. If you have not seen a trans person before and have low awareness, actually encountering one in real life might be huge and they genuinely don't know how to cope. She was not being hostile or even critical. It is just nervousness - it should be allowed just as our clothes should be allowed. As others have said all that might be required to defuse the situation is a little light conversation.

[sally stone]

So, based on the responses from many of you, I gather that my reason for this post was a bit misunderstood. It was most likely, due to the way I titled the post, and I can see it created some confusion - sorry about that. Actually though, the post wasn't about me; it was about the new Halestorm song "Uncomfortable" and how I thought it related to being trans.

Anyway, I related the incident with the sales clerk to cite one of my many observations about people. This one, I thought was a good example of how my being different made someone else uncomfortable. I wasn't the one who was uncomfortable, and in fact, I make no apologies for it. It's just that I wanted to point out that sometimes (not often), I think my being trans does create discomfort for others. That's what I observed, so that's what I reported.

Thanks Cassie, for getting my meaning (and it's great to know old friends are here). And Susan54, you make another very important point about us as we interact with others. Those who have never encountered someone who is obviously trans, can be a bit taken aback the first time, so we must understand their situation as well as our own. You are correct that the sales clerk was neither rude nor was she passing judgement, so I felt it only right to empathize with her.

Hugs,

Sally

[Alice Torn]

One time when i was out, went to a couple of stores, and just joked a little, laughed, knowing they could read me. All smiled, but a few men looked puzzled. Was fun for all.

[phili]

This was interesting reading. It gave me some peace to just realize it is hard to be comfortable when others are uncomfortable, so all these varied feelings make sense. We all want to be comfortable!

We as CDs want to resolve discomfort we see arounds us by comforting with jokes or smiles, finding supportive scripture, being the best friend they have, going DADT, or staying in the closet---. and /or resolve our discomfort by rejecting their discomfort, working out our own legitimacy, practicing a lot of forgiveness, going out a little and seeing that our fears were ungrounded for the most part, perfecting makeup, chatting here, going DADT, or staying in the closet. Hmm no wonder the last two get so much of our time!

We try to address the original sources of discomfort - the illegitimacy teaching about CDing, and the narrow gender roles, by raising our kids better, speaking at schools,speaking up and influencing conversation, being out and becoming a more familiar part of society, and most importantly, playing trans acceptance songs on the radio in public- ok-I'm just hoping there are some soon! ;0) .

[Nell27]

Beautiful post, Sally. I love how you don’t allow the discomfort of others to steal your joy.

Your genuine kindness and joy will leave lasting impressions ... AND you will look and feel fabulous along the way!

Warm regards,

Nell

[JeanTG]

I do want to avoid making those I love uncomfortable, hence the DADT situation at home. But a clerk in a store? He/she is there to serve me. If there's any instance where it's "all about me" it's when I am a customer. It's up to the clerk to overcome their shyness and serve me. Mind you that does not imply being discourteous, and if someone inadvertently says the wrong thing while obviously flustered, there's no need to bit their head off. Take as a teaching moment.

A while ago I had to buy some pantyhose in drab in a pharmacy. It was at a quiet time and there was only one clerk, a very young (like 18 or so) woman. I couldn't find the pantyhose display (I hadn't been in that particular pharmacy before), and asked the girl where it was. She was clearly uncomfortable and asked me to repeat what I had said one or two times. Finally I thought I'd end her suffering and said "yes I said pantyhose; my wife called me on my way home from work and asked if I'd stop in and pick up a couple of pairs for her". She immediately seemed much more comfortable and led me to the display. I saw no reason to berate her, it was probably her first job and it was a small town. Nor did, at that moment, feel like making it a teaching moment. It was near supper time and I just wanted to do my business and come home.

[Robertacd]

If the way I dress makes someone, specially a stranger feel uncomfortable.

That is their problem, not mine.

[Pat]

Wow...……..for reals? Transphobic?

I went back and re-read the post and you're right. She did not validate the other person's discomfort, only noted it. My bad.

[Georgette]

I agree with Majella who really cares I don't if it makes them uncorfortable the m don't stare.
Georgette

[JessikaRobin7]

I made my "then new/now former" SO burst into tears when I showed her a picture... there's that. :-(