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Thread: Told my wife today

  1. #1
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Told my wife today

    My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

  2. #2
    My BF and Style Guru Millisense's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

  3. #3
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mark View Post
    Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.
    Thank you.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

  5. #5
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    It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah Louise View Post
    Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.
    Thank you. Appreciate everyone's feedback and support.


    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.
    Thank you! East Texas. My mom lives there.

  7. #7
    🙊🙈🙉 Patience's Avatar
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    Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

    Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

    https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

    A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

    Xox,

    Tina

  8. #8
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Username View Post
    Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

    Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

    https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

    A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

    Xox,

    Tina
    Thank you.

  9. #9
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Oh Kimberly,

    I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
    Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation. There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats). My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.]

    The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST. OK, admit it (you did). You hid something and successfully deceived your partner for many years ..... in her mind. It isn't cheating. I recommend that you attempt to make her realize WHY and HOW DIFFICULT it would have been to openly share your secret. It could have meant loss of your family that you love, your career, job, local reputation, etc. You were almost required to conceal it.

    Good luck. You will find great advice for getting together with your wife on this and not letting it damage your relationship too badly. You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was. I instead to think of it as an opportunity for growth.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
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    Yes it takes patience at first, good communication and honesty worked well for me.

    Hope you have a great relationship with her.
    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.

    Rayleen

  11. #11
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Thank you for the support. I knew I could come here and get it. Thank you!

  12. #12
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


    People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.
    We are all beautiful...!

  13. #13
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phili View Post
    One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


    People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.
    Great advice. I woke my wife up this morning and she's like... I want to see the pictures. So I take her to my super secret file of 40 pictures. Let her see all of them. She's like you look fat. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we can sort through it. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife.
    Last edited by Kimberly Adams; 06-23-2018 at 05:10 PM.

  14. #14
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberly. You are very brave for coming out to your wife, I can still remember the anxiety I went through before finally coming out. My wife was also very upset at the time, and it took a few years for me to fully regain the trust she had lost in me. I'm glad to hear that today is better for the two of you, but don't expect this to be the end of the story. They may be many ups and downs for quite a while still. Be sure to listen to your wife and make sure that you take care of her needs. Now, is also a good time to start being more open about your feelings. Try to explain to her the fear you have had of being exposed, and any negative experiences that might have convinced you that you could never tell anyone.

  15. #15
    I can only be me Samm's Avatar
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    Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day... My wife is pretty much %100 supportive, but she still has her days where she can do without me dressing. She has told me on occasion that as long as my dressing doesn't become more important than her, she's good with it.
    Good luck Kimberly. Let us know how it goes
    "Samm" Sammara Michaels

    I also speak fluent sarcasm

  16. #16
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    i have been in your shoes Kimberly and i know these can be dark days, with you and your family's future in the balance.
    after 27 yrs of marriage(7 years ago) i was late picking up my wife from work( i had gone to a Mac store in Toronto for a makeover)
    when my wife was so upset i was late i just blurted out i like to wear women's clothes, the you know what hit the fan and for 6 months
    to a year our marriage was hanging by a thread. eventually my wife researched the topic and sought counselling and now is somewhere
    between tolerant and supportive. so i wish th.at in time your wife we come around as mine did

  17. #17
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Good luck. She needs time to realise that the 'real' you is a better person when you are not constraining your true identity, that's all.

  18. #18
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    I really appreciate all the replies and support. Thank you.

  19. #19
    New "old" girl Suzie Petersen's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberly,
    Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.

    She's like you look fat. lol. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we're cool. Whew. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife
    Just an observation from the outside: "You look fat" is not an uncommon reaction outburst when the wife first sees pictures. It might mean "You are not prettier than me, don't even try!".
    Be very careful as this is a common mistake to make. You want to show her how good you can look, but to her, "Kimberly" is "the other woman" and she is fat and ugly!

    I'm pretty sure we are cool.
    No! That is very unlikely at this stage. Be very careful and go very slow. Keep talking with her, but give her time to react to this. For most wives, this it a gamechanger and she need to find out what it means. Let her set the pace.

    - Suzie

  20. #20
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    I second Suzie's comment, strongly. My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it. I can't stress enough how careful you need to be during the initial stages. Do NOT under any circumstances show up dressed in front of her, even if she asks to see you. Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life. There is a distinction in our minds between fake and real, like what we see on the screen when we are watching a movie. Make your life, and more importantly hers, easier and be extremely open to discussions but refrain from a catwalk show. She will not be ready to see it for quite some time. Play it as safe as you can and best of luck.

  21. #21
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberly, I'm watching this thread with great interest as I may be in the same situation as you in the not too distant future. Hope things work out for you.

    Diane.
    Here today, gone tomorrow....

  22. #22
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_cathreen View Post
    .... as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" ..... Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life.
    I wholeheartedly concur with Cathreen's wisdom. I know because I made all the mistakes. I came out involuntarily. Got caught. I had a error in personal security where a couple photos got out and let another family member know. It understandably surprised and embarrassed my wife who was already reeling from my recent outing.

    One key mistake I made was calculating how difficult it would be for my loved ones to (as Cathreen says) process what the hell is going on, and what it all means especially to an existing long term relationship. I knew there was risk is opening my entire CD/TG box. Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong. I had no idea of how deep and the kinds of effects it would have on my marriage and life. Processing the radical change is easy for us because we adore our changed selves. Not so easy for our loved ones who see us in their mind's eye much differently. For people who never have these kind of "gender issues" swirling in their heads and don't understand, the idea of a man wanting to be a woman freaks them out.

    Case in point. Even after months of knowing about my crossdressing, after showing her all my clothes, and my wife seeing photos of me dressed, a day came where I dressed in full. Dress, makeup, wig , forms.... the works. When she saw me she literally fled the room sobbing. It was powerful. Apparently it wasn't the clothes. It was the body shaping image that knocked her over. I crossed the threshold past dressing into Being A Woman. I came to learn there's a bit of "resentment' about assuming that womanly shape; as though I had not properly earned my Boobs. They were fake boobs (and hips) and it all was fake, and to presume I could sport breasts simply by inserting falsies was taken as a personal affront to her womanhood.

    So.... be very, very careful when it comes to the self-esteem and sense of womanhood your wife has. Respect it.

    It's been a 3 yr battle for me, but thankfully with the help and advice of this forum and a little research and education, my wife and I are still together (41 yrs); still in love and working it out. My gender issues haven't been fully resolved but I believe we've come to a basic acceptance and understanding as we BOTH proceed.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  23. #23
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    To your wife:

    If he didn't love and trust you, if he didn't wish above all else to be honest with you, he never would have told you.

    Please forgive him for taking so long to build up the confidence to do so. It's no small thing.

    Hugs to you both.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  24. #24
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    Your wife, any wife, is entitled to change her mind. She is new to your desires to wear women's clothing. No one needs to tell you these sorts of revelations are shockers for a woman. Obviously, you are not the man she married. Or at least there is more to you than had been presented for a long time.

    My wife's discovery was not so dramatic. I never told her during our short courtship because I had not worn women's clothing for a very long time. I did reflect upon that distant time in my past which had always left me confused. Back in the 1960's men who wore women's clothing were thought to be homosexuals. That was society's take on men who wore women's clothing. That confused me. Was I a closeted homosexual? Why did I do that? I just ignored it. Was I deceitful? I did not think so. Sometimes there are things you may have done which for one reason or another a person does not talk about. Especially, if those things are not reoccurring. Other secrets I harbored form her and others were unintentionally revealed during a medical crises. Those secrets were more significant than my desire to wear women's clothing, but, for reasons that were obvious were alright to conceal. Societal acceptance can be strange sometimes.

    Anyway, we had incorporated into our 'bedroom play' a stirring desire to wear nylon nightgowns. Then we added some hosiery. It was a fondness for all things feminine made of nylon. It graduated to slips. However, when she unexpectedly found a vivid red Vanity Fair bra her take on all this changed. We had "The Talk."

    One mistake I made trying to explain something I knew nothing about was to use a BS line related to my "inner woman." She shot back, "When you can have a baby, then you can tell me about your inner woman." I should have told her the truth which I ended up doing. That is "I do not know why I do what I do!" I can tell her how I feel. I can tell her it brings me comfort. It may be an escape mechanism. I still do not know why I need to wear women's clothing.

    All I can add from my personal experience is to remember your wife did not marry a woman. She does not need her husband to be her girlfriend. Don't short change her by pushing your femme side onto her. If you need to explore your inner self and needs find some other outlet rather than compelling her to endure some thing you want to do.

    My wife told me it was alright with her if I wanted to find a support group. I looked. There were none in my area in the early 1980's. We're into DADT. Would I love it to be able to cook dinner all dolled up and get an approving pat on my butt? Sure. However, that is her choice to make. Not mine.

  25. #25
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    I think that you are well on the way to some acceptance from your wife. You have stepped up and told her the truth and she has started the adjustment period by asking to see your images. The road is long and the way to follow it it with open honesty and on going conversation. It takes time and there are expected bumps in the road. I wsh you both a long and happy relationship, which I think will hapen

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