Told my wife today

[Kimberly Adams]

My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

[Millisense]

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

[Kimberly Adams]

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

Thank you.

[Sarah Louise]

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

[kimdl93]

It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

[Kimberly Adams]

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

Thank you. Appreciate everyone's feedback and support.

It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

Thank you! East Texas. My mom lives there.

[QueenJeanette]

All the drama from your wife/girlfriend of coming out. I'm sure glad I didn't cross-dress before my breakup. Honestly I couldn't do it while I was in a relationship unless we both approved of it because she demanded that. I guess that's one of the biggest reasons why I ended mine. I don't agree that another person has a right to control your life, married or not. Every time I picked up a new hobby, car, or interest it was always scrutinized by her. After 20 year of that I ended it because she became a nagging insensitive bitch. I can't walk around thinking if my girlfriend is going to like my new Camera, Car, or Boat or whatever I'm doing that really doesn't even concern her. I guess she needs a man that approves of her controlling personality and that's not going to be me.

[Patience]

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

[Kimberly Adams]

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

Thank you.

[IleneD]

Oh Kimberly,

I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation. There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats). My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.]

The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST. OK, admit it (you did). You hid something and successfully deceived your partner for many years ..... in her mind. It isn't cheating. I recommend that you attempt to make her realize WHY and HOW DIFFICULT it would have been to openly share your secret. It could have meant loss of your family that you love, your career, job, local reputation, etc. You were almost required to conceal it.

Good luck. You will find great advice for getting together with your wife on this and not letting it damage your relationship too badly. You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was. I instead to think of it as an opportunity for growth.

[alwayshave]

I'm glad that your wife seems to be coming around. Though I find the taking of your makeup somewhat passive aggressive.

[Rayleen]

Yes it takes patience at first, good communication and honesty worked well for me.

Hope you have a great relationship with her.

[Kimberly Adams]

Thank you for the support. I knew I could come here and get it. Thank you!

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Kimberly,

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

I think that reaction fits well with what I said earlier. Your wife is seeing you having "nicer" makeup than her as you having an unfair advantage in the competition for the spot as the female of the relationship!
This may not make sense to you right now, but try and put yourself in her position. Kimberly is "another woman" entering the relationship and "she" cannot be allowed to have a better chance.
It sounds like it might be too late but you should be careful with when and how soon you show her glamour pictures, nice clothing, pretty shoes etc so you dont overwhelm her. The typical CD will go for the very feminine and very young styles and many adult women have passed through that phase as teenagers. This means that while they are now more comfortable with clothes and styles that is more suitable for their lifestyle and age, now there is suddenly a teenage girl competing for their position in the relationship.

As for your wife reading this thread then yes i think that would be good for her, but you have to realize that not everything she will read here will be in your favor. She will benefit because she will have the opportunity to get input from other GG's, both some who have accepted this in their husbonds and also some who have not.
It is important for you to tell her that this is not about trying to convince her to just accept you, it is about helping her to find a way to deal with this new situation and for both of you to come out the other side as a strong and happy couple.

I see you have changed your original post to say that you think you can work through this, rather than say that you think you and your wife are "cool" with this. I am glad to see that as I think that is a much more realistic status for now and a much better mindset to work from.

Cathreen said something you should definitely listen to, and keep in mind that she is in a similar situation as your wife having just found out about this side of her BF. This ties into what I said about not reading too much into your wifes immediate reaction:

Cathreen: My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it.

I know I and other have said that your wife might change her mind, but Cathreen says it much better. It is not a matter of changing her mind! What happens is that the initial reaction is based on a natural instinct to be positive and accommodating of what goes on with ones spouse, but then when it sinks in what this new situation means, the real reaction comes in and you have that "wtf" moment and the second reaction. Try and prepare yourself for that!

- Suzie

[Sara.Blue]

Kimberly, I started a reply then deleted it because I cant imagine what you are going through because I have not experienced it myself.

I came back and do want to reply. I feel it is very important that your situation is acknowledged.

I want to tell you I am concerned for your situation and hope it works out and all goes well.


Sara

[alwayshave]

Kimberly, I'm glad that things are working out for you. As everyone here knows, its a big gamble.

[phili]

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

[Kimberly Adams]

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

Great advice. I woke my wife up this morning and she's like... I want to see the pictures. So I take her to my super secret file of 40 pictures. Let her see all of them. She's like you look fat. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we can sort through it. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife.

[JamieG]

Hi Kimberly. You are very brave for coming out to your wife, I can still remember the anxiety I went through before finally coming out. My wife was also very upset at the time, and it took a few years for me to fully regain the trust she had lost in me. I'm glad to hear that today is better for the two of you, but don't expect this to be the end of the story. They may be many ups and downs for quite a while still. Be sure to listen to your wife and make sure that you take care of her needs. Now, is also a good time to start being more open about your feelings. Try to explain to her the fear you have had of being exposed, and any negative experiences that might have convinced you that you could never tell anyone.

[Samm]

Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day... My wife is pretty much %100 supportive, but she still has her days where she can do without me dressing. She has told me on occasion that as long as my dressing doesn't become more important than her, she's good with it.
Good luck Kimberly. Let us know how it goes

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i have been in your shoes Kimberly and i know these can be dark days, with you and your family's future in the balance.
after 27 yrs of marriage(7 years ago) i was late picking up my wife from work( i had gone to a Mac store in Toronto for a makeover)
when my wife was so upset i was late i just blurted out i like to wear women's clothes, the you know what hit the fan and for 6 months
to a year our marriage was hanging by a thread. eventually my wife researched the topic and sought counselling and now is somewhere
between tolerant and supportive. so i wish th.at in time your wife we come around as mine did

[DaisyLawrence]

Good luck. She needs time to realise that the 'real' you is a better person when you are not constraining your true identity, that's all.

[Kimberly Adams]

I really appreciate all the replies and support. Thank you.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Kimberly,
Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.

She's like you look fat. lol. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we're cool. Whew. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife

Just an observation from the outside: "You look fat" is not an uncommon reaction outburst when the wife first sees pictures. It might mean "You are not prettier than me, don't even try!".
Be very careful as this is a common mistake to make. You want to show her how good you can look, but to her, "Kimberly" is "the other woman" and she is fat and ugly!

I'm pretty sure we are cool.

No! That is very unlikely at this stage. Be very careful and go very slow. Keep talking with her, but give her time to react to this. For most wives, this it a gamechanger and she need to find out what it means. Let her set the pace.

- Suzie

[confused_cathreen]

I second Suzie's comment, strongly. My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it. I can't stress enough how careful you need to be during the initial stages. Do NOT under any circumstances show up dressed in front of her, even if she asks to see you. Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life. There is a distinction in our minds between fake and real, like what we see on the screen when we are watching a movie. Make your life, and more importantly hers, easier and be extremely open to discussions but refrain from a catwalk show. She will not be ready to see it for quite some time. Play it as safe as you can and best of luck.