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Thread: Told my wife today

  1. #26
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    Hi Kimberly

    A bold and honest move, which must have taken some courage. I wish you both well.

    Rachel

  2. #27
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.

  3. #28
    Member Karen's Secret's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams View Post
    Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.
    Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well.

  4. #29
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    Hi Kim , Well the ball is in her court now, Just be careful not to

    overwhelm her with Kim, Baby Steps. >Orchid..++..
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  5. #30
    My BF and Style Guru Millisense's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karen's Secret View Post
    Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well.
    That's excellent and certainly true, though your comment alone may be worth her reading to help understand there is such diversity in crossdressing.

  6. #31
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    I say yes. You have already told her about the site and unless you have made posts that you do not wish her to see It would be good for her to see what others have said. Honesty is the best policy

  7. #32
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

    My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

  8. #33
    Member Sashauk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams View Post
    She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

    My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.
    I'm pleased to hear that things are a little better with your wife. I know you are currently treading on eggshells around her but taking your expensive make-up and letting you keep the cheap does not sound fair to me.
    Sasha

  9. #34
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I'm glad that your wife seems to be coming around. Though I find the taking of your makeup somewhat passive aggressive.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  10. #35
    I can only be me Samm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams View Post
    My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.
    I see no problem whatsoever with her taking what she wanted. Just as much as I see no problem with you replacing it, now that she knows.
    "Samm" Sammara Michaels

    I also speak fluent sarcasm

  11. #36
    New "old" girl Suzie Petersen's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberly,

    My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.
    I think that reaction fits well with what I said earlier. Your wife is seeing you having "nicer" makeup than her as you having an unfair advantage in the competition for the spot as the female of the relationship!
    This may not make sense to you right now, but try and put yourself in her position. Kimberly is "another woman" entering the relationship and "she" cannot be allowed to have a better chance.
    It sounds like it might be too late but you should be careful with when and how soon you show her glamour pictures, nice clothing, pretty shoes etc so you dont overwhelm her. The typical CD will go for the very feminine and very young styles and many adult women have passed through that phase as teenagers. This means that while they are now more comfortable with clothes and styles that is more suitable for their lifestyle and age, now there is suddenly a teenage girl competing for their position in the relationship.

    As for your wife reading this thread then yes i think that would be good for her, but you have to realize that not everything she will read here will be in your favor. She will benefit because she will have the opportunity to get input from other GG's, both some who have accepted this in their husbonds and also some who have not.
    It is important for you to tell her that this is not about trying to convince her to just accept you, it is about helping her to find a way to deal with this new situation and for both of you to come out the other side as a strong and happy couple.

    I see you have changed your original post to say that you think you can work through this, rather than say that you think you and your wife are "cool" with this. I am glad to see that as I think that is a much more realistic status for now and a much better mindset to work from.

    Cathreen said something you should definitely listen to, and keep in mind that she is in a similar situation as your wife having just found out about this side of her BF. This ties into what I said about not reading too much into your wifes immediate reaction:

    Cathreen: My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it.
    I know I and other have said that your wife might change her mind, but Cathreen says it much better. It is not a matter of changing her mind! What happens is that the initial reaction is based on a natural instinct to be positive and accommodating of what goes on with ones spouse, but then when it sinks in what this new situation means, the real reaction comes in and you have that "wtf" moment and the second reaction. Try and prepare yourself for that!

    - Suzie

  12. #37
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    Kimberly, I started a reply then deleted it because I cant imagine what you are going through because I have not experienced it myself.

    I came back and do want to reply. I feel it is very important that your situation is acknowledged.

    I want to tell you I am concerned for your situation and hope it works out and all goes well.


    Sara

  13. #38
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    Hi Kimberly,

    As good as this forum is, it is not the best place to start for someone who thinks crossdresser=gay. I don't think pointing to this forum wishfully thinking it is all there, just read it, was a good strategy. There is an entire section on coming out to SO. There are excellent resources on the web and YouTube that are well suited for family and spouses to learn about the transgender folks. Why they do, why they didn't come out from before, etc. I don't want to be jerk about it but unless you caught on the spot, you should put more thoughts and effort into coming out if you don't want to gamble on your relationship. In any case, I do hope and wish for everything to work out but go do some work and help you wife to learn and understand you.

  14. #39
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Best of luck Kimberley, thanks for sharing your story, and it seems that its so far so good. many others have found its often two steps forward three steps backwards so stay very cautious. I would not show her this thread.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  15. #40
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    First, these are my opinions, based on both personal experience (and watching my marriage go down the drain) and four decades of reading every thing I could find about crossdressing and relationships. I cannot provide references, because I did none of this to write a report for others. I read it all to learn about myself,and how it affected my own life. So take it for what it is, and I hope it helps you understand what's going on in your life now.

    Okay, now it's time for damage control. You've done something which may destroy any sexual attraction that your wife had for you. And if you lose that, you're done. Your romantic relationship will be over. And if that's gone, the marriage usually is pretty much over. Why? Because romantic love, for women, is attached to sex. If you've destroyed the sexual attraction, the love always follows for a woman. And once that's gone, she will want to regain it, and it WON'T be with you. It will be with another man, either in reality or her fantasies. And then if that happens, you're done.

    Let me explain.
    We don't fall in love with what the other person is. We fall in love with what we BELIEVE that other person is. As we get to know them, we accumulate information, and in our mind, we gradually add information to that image which becomes what we believe that person to be. Your wife fell in love, and had sexual desire, for a masculine man. Now she finds out that, that's not what you are (at least in her mind). This can either instantly turn her off, or sometimes gradually just eliminate the sexual desire for you, as she no longer sees you as the masculine person she was turned on by. Let me give you an example. You turn the corner, and see a hot babe walking in front of you, you love her subtle curves, the slight wiggle, the way her long, sexy hair gently swings back and forth. Pique your interest? Feel a little turned on? Enjoy looking at her? Then she turns into a shop to look in the window, and you see that it's a guy; bulge in the crotch of his jeans and all. Still turned on? Nope. Attracted? Nope. You might even feel he's repulsive. That's what usually happens when a wife finds out her husband is a crossdresser. It changes the sexual dynamic. Instead of picturing you in her mind as the masculine man she always has, now she might see you in a dress and heels. And not only doesn't that turn her on at all, it most likely specifically turns her OFF.

    So don't dress up for her, and I wouldn't show her any pictures, either. Because while she might imagine it, seeing it in real life will be an image burned into her mind that she will NEVER forget.

    So. Remain the man she has known as best you can. Don't dress up in front of her. Don't discuss make up, clothes, DON'T try to become her best girlfriend, unless that's all you want to be. Because once you're her girlfriend, you're not her husband anymore.
    Continue to have sex the way you always have. BE THE MAN IN HER LIFE. This is important. Why? Because if she loses the man she has, she will start looking for a replacement strong male figure; women often want their mate to be solid, reliable, someone that they can always depend on, someone they know will protect them; that is part of what a man is in our society. If she starts seeing you as feminine, this may make her feel unsafe and unprotected. And it makes you seem unreliable, because you suddenly have become something she never thought you were.

    Quote Originally Posted by Samm View Post
    Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day
    ^this is what I went through. Her initial confusion, then investigating the world of crossdressers, we went to a crossdressing 'friendly' therapist, and then my ex discovered the support groups for wives of crossdressers; then the bad stuff happened. She started hearing all the horror stories by other wives about how their husbands were liars, continued to lie, about the crossdressers who were actually gay or transsexual, about how those men secretely fooled around outside of marriage with men, basically painting all of us as lying feminine gay cheating scum who would eventually progress to transitioning and getting sexual reassignment surgery. THis is a tale that at some point your wife will definitely be exposed to, by MANY women out there. Why? Because most crossdressers don't know why the do it. If you cannot explain to your wife why you crossdress, she will assign a reason to you, and you won't like the one that she picks, because it will be based on her worst fears.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah Louise View Post
    Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level.
    That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mark View Post
    She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.
    Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.
    Quote Originally Posted by IleneD View Post
    I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
    This was my situation as well.
    Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation.
    And separate from sexual attraction.
    There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats).
    About 80% of us are straight. There are some of that 80 who occasionally have had some fantasy of being fem in some way sexually, but that isn't their usual feeling or behavior. At least, not from what I've read about us over the past 40 years.
    My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.
    ^this is a big problem. As her instant assumption is that you are gay, it means that this has been her belief for a long time, that crossdresser=gay. So you're fighting to change her belief system, and every time she sees something that reinforces what she already believes, the harder it will be to change her mind. So avoid ANY mention, EVER, of you thinking of a male either romantically or sexually, or of you behaving as a woman sexually, i.e., submissive or dressed as a woman during sex. If you DO feel that way, leave it to the future when and if she suggests that you do that. Because if SHE doesn't ask to do it, she doesn't want it. Your marriage may depend on this. Avoid screwing it up any further.

    The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST.
    Unless you've been routinely deceiving her in some way with little things (doing things with your friends that you didn't tell her about, not being where you said you were, not telling her about being friends with other women and being caught at that, hiding money from her, buying stuff and not telling her) this will be new to her, and the sudden realization that you would deceive her about something this big may make her suspicious of you not telling her the truth in the future. The big one? Since you hid this, she may always wonder if you are actually TS. And this is not something that you can dismiss, especially since there is so much suggestive information out there that supports the generally held belief that lots of crossdressers are just TS who are in denial.

    It isn't cheating.
    Women will almost always consider any deceit as cheating of a form. They reserve the right of deceit, for themselves. Examples being how many previous lovers they had, not to mention all the ways they change their appearance.

    You were almost required to conceal it.
    No one will accept this excuse. Women expect complete honesty from their mate; it's even more important to women because their life can be ruined by marrying the wrong man and having his kids. To women, the relationships with others are the most important things in her life. Men, not so much. We define ourselves by what we do (and, of course, we don't include crossdressing in that, because we know it's unacceptable to over 99% of the population). Women define themselves by their relationships. Never forget that.

    You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was.
    No, but there is a potential to make it work. I just hope your wife is very, very smart. Because those have been the only women I've known who are able to accept a guy who crossdresses. There's a whole lot of psychology involved, and very simply, most of the population doesn't have a comprehensive knowledge of psychology to draw upon when faced with a very sudden change in who they believe their mate, to be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suzie Petersen View Post
    Hi Kimberly, Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.
    &
    Quote Originally Posted by IleneD View Post
    Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong.
    Yep, the pink fog screws with our minds. To US, crossdressing is no big thing. After all, all the good things about us MUST be more important to her, they should easily outweigh the 'little, unimportant crossdressing thing', right? NOPE. Changing how they see us from mascuine, to feminine, is perhaps the biggest change in their lives to ever occur. It's a BIG problem.

    My ex wife initially hated it. I provided literature to help her learn about crossdressers, and we went to a therapist. None of that made a difference. I would forever to her be 'not the man I thought I had married'. At the therapists office, she finally admitted that had she known before we got married, she never would have married me. She continued to believe that I was just a transsexual in denial, despite everything both I and the therapist told her. She eventually divorced me with that being the main reason, she simply couldn't accept a husband that she didn't see as masculine.
    Let's remember, that many women accept all kinds of things. Laziness, infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of ambition, lying, women even stay with murderers, criminals, assassins, wife beaters, etc.. But what do all those men still have in common? They're masculine, and they retain the masculine sexual appeal that women look for in men. Crossdressing often destroys that. And once it's gone, it's gone.

    Good luck. You're going to need it.
    And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.

    Some men come home to find all their belongings tossed out on the lawn, the locks changed, some even have restraining orders against them created by their wives making up some sort of story involving abuse or endangering children. Sure, you can fight it, but it will take time. Others had vindictive wives cancel all their credit cards, report their cars as stolen, empty the bank accounts, and sending pictures of him in a dress to his friends, family and place of work. And many of these women never gave any warning that they were going to do this.
    You could easily wind up living in your car without a job, listed as a sexual predator, and broke, minus your friends, family, everything. This is a real possibility. So plan for it. Keep at least some money hidden somewhere, and some clothes (man clothes). A simple duffelbag with locking tabs at a trusted relative's house will do. Start asking around those who you know (that don't know your wife, because that WOULD get back to her, so maybe coworkers) who were divorced, which lawyers they used. Better to be prepared and not need the information, than need it and not have it.

    Feel free to PM me with any questions, as I don't always come back to threads after I post something, and this forum doesn't have reliable notification system for that.

    I really hope I'm wrong. But that won't change how she feels.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 06-25-2018 at 03:28 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  16. #41
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Kimberley,
    We have all misread our situation with our wives at some time.
    The two previous posts are important for you to read carefully, and you should probably try not to show your wife this thread, you just need to take the advice in it.

    Just answer all questions truthfully and without getting too emotional.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  17. #42
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    It's been a few weeks since I came out to my wife. We have a lot going on and by comparison the crossdressing has turned out to be not a big deal. My wife asked to see my pictures again tonight and she thinks I'm a mess but she seems to be into it. Said I totally look like a girl. She wants to meet Kimberly. Told me it's ok to do it occasionally. We're planning a girls night out soon - overnight at a hotel and will go to a CD friendly club to hang out. Will have someone come do our makeup - she wants her makeup done too. After reading some of the horror stories I think I'm not doing so bad. She said as long as I don't cheat she's ok with it.
    Last edited by Kimberly Adams; 07-13-2018 at 01:14 AM.

  18. #43
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Kimberly,
    It sounds like you have the right idea. Many wives (that I know) say there is nothing CDing for them. Having makeup done, a night in a hotel, some clubbing means there is something in it for the couple, not just one person. Good job and best wishes for your outing.

  19. #44
    Aspiring Member sarah_hillcrest's Avatar
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    I can't say my wife has been that understanding but not that far from it. Sounds like a wonderful and understanding woman.

  20. #45
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    Thanks for the update, sounds like it is going great

  21. #46
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post

    That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.


    And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.
    You're basing this on a view of a therapist or therapists who by their very nature usually see couples who are struggling with their relationship. They won't see many who are quite capable of working things out on their own. Therefore their experiences can't be taken as the norm.

    How do you know most marriages probably fail as a result of dressing? That's quite a statement based on limited knowledge of the outcomes. The therapist doesn't know this and nor do you.

    You're right that this is a feel-good forum, but your assumption must then mean that the vast majority who you say have a poor experience must then stop posting on here. This seems highly unlikely.

    As for Kimberley, it seems to be going quite well so far which I'm really pleased about......
    Last edited by Sarah Louise; 07-14-2018 at 06:34 AM.

  22. #47
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Hi Kimberley,
    I'm pleased for you, simply bc your wife is approaching rather than fleeing. We can't see what the quality of the conversations are, but you are feeling better- that's important!


    I wanted to suggest that she seems to have an idea of what crossdressing for you is all about- appearance- and wanting to get her own makeup done seems like a clue that she can see that as a shared goal- just how girly can we look!

    Being able to say she is ready to be with you in public and at CD sites may mean she has looked into it, and decided this isn't so bad= other people who are normal are doing it.

    Lexi's cautions are all still valid-and may surface when sexual interaction comes up. Your wife may be TG or bi and just now uncovering it, but it is more likely she will want you to behave intimately in the familiar ways, and simply not be able to relate to a woman in bed.

    Or she may think this is an interesting way to find out. Then the question will be what she finds out about herself and you. If you don't know how you feel or what you might want after you are allowed to dress up and be sharp looking girls together, hopefully you can tell her that. Sounds like the conversations are continuing- she is thinking about it all and asking to see the pics to check her reactions.

    Setting an exploration frame around it all may make it safe. "let's see what comes up for both of us and then talk about it" Her willingness is a blessing, and she undoubtedly expects to see willingness on your part to extend yourself for her needs too!
    We are all beautiful...!

  23. #48
    New Member hellkat13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimberly Adams View Post
    My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.
    I was super lucky that my wife was about 90% accepting right of the gate when I told her. Even with that acceptance it isn't always the easiest thing for her and she put some conditions on it that I've tried my best to honor. My best advice is to keep talking to her about it and reassuring her that she is still the priority regardless of the "hobby" or whatever you both decide to label it. It obviously varies from person to person when they find out and moderation may be the key until she comes to terms with it. I hid it from most people throughout the years fearing the reactions. I was again lucky that when I finally made the decision to tell almost all of the people that I wanted to know. I braced myself for lost friendships and hurt feelings and almost everyone started out with the are you gay question (which I'm not) but surprising everyone was just like Oh...OK, I didn't expect this from you but whatever.

  24. #49
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.

    Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.
    Utter buncome. Where is your data for these statements? I'm with Sara Louise on this one, only failing marraiges end up in therapy. It certainly transformed me and my wifes' relationship in a hugely positive manner. We all know your personal experiences of crossdressing and female relationships have been a total disaster but you don't need to constantly project your own misery on the rest of the membership.

  25. #50
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    I am amazed at how quickly your wife has accepted and adaped, She sounds special and she really seems to love you. Keep the dialogue open and expect some bumps in the road. Make sure you thank her for her support. Look forward to hearing how things go.

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The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

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