Why I stopped (I think)

[sarah_hillcrest]

With our lives becoming more and more digital it's easy to be your own historian. I love to photograph my cross dressing and its all archived. On July 9th 2017 I photographed myself for the first time in my own dress, with my own makeup and a wig I'd found in my wife's Halloween stuff. I had been walking through Wal-Mart that morning when I noticed a dress on clearance for 3 dollars. I'd been thinking of doing this for a long time, but that 3 dollar dress was the catalyst. 28 photo shoots and six months later it was January 14th 2018 and that was my last one.

In that time I'd told my wife I wanted to cross dress, started wearing panties all the time, and started a second wardrobe in the basement for my new inclination. It was a bit of a wild ride, but she respected my honesty about it and had even bought me some clothes for Christmas. Though she still didn't want to participate.

Sometime around late January I realized I didn't want to dress up, I had soured on it for some reason. When I stopped acting interested in my wife's makeup and clothes shopping she said, "Your not fun anymore... are you done with that stuff now?"

"I guess," I replied.

But why? Right now its all I can think about, I'm deep in the fog as you might say. It was a creeping fog, it started about a month ago when I wore some panties again, then a week later asked my wife if I could do face masks with her, (she was thrilled) next thing I know I'm trying on heels at the Goodwill.

I was doing some research and I think I realized what happened. I wasn't happy with that last photo shoot I did in Jan. I remember being really disappointed and coming to the conclusion I had a big wide man face and that I was being ridiculous.

The next Day on January 15th I made a youtube video about my favorite hobby, cycling, more specifically indoor cycling training. I had been thinking about doing a series of youtube videos where I cross dressed and did a how to presentation about some totally unrelated thing. I thought it would be funny. I was going to do it that morning, I got as far as putting foundation on before I realized it was an insane idea. I cleaned off the makeup but went ahead with the video. I remember looking at myself while editing the video and being really unhappy with what I saw. My face looked a bit off from the having the makeup on, and of course my usual stubble was shaved away. I'd been letting my hair grow and it was the longest it had ever been, I'd been thinking about how I would style it.

It didn't look like me in the video and I remember being freaked out and worried that I was getting carried away. I got a haircut a few days later and that next weekend instead of dressing I met up with a friend and helped him with his youtube video. Soon I was doing videos with him every week, or doing my own. My thoughts about dressing during this period were negative. I kept telling myself, see how much better it is to get out of house and live your life.

This has been the way of things for me my entire life. I get into something and it consumes me, I get afraid and pull back.

[Anna Stouf]

Oh, the Pink Fog!! We all go through it. Some people purge all their clothes etc. Some people go through it several times before things finally settle down.

Hopefully, you didn’t purge.

I’ve been through it too, albeit a long, long, time ago.

Just go slow, have fun, and remember it’s okay to take a break once in a while. Just don’t purge!

Welcome back.

Anna

[kaleyg]

I respect your thoughtfulness and vulnerability. I have had similar thoughts many times. Honestly, the dressing often becomes an obsession that keeps me away from work, family and other important things. Very unhealthy. It resembles addiction for me sometimes. I don't know what to do about it. I do love it, and I'm not convinced that it's wrong *per se*, but strictly on a pros/cons basis, I often think I should give it up. Thanks for being honest.

[rhonda]

I think most of us have thought about quiting one time or another or many times , but I think we can never quit , it's a lifestyle and it owns us and we own it , just gotta make the best of it and have fun with it

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
If you have given up for good then be it.

That is good for you.

The pink fog may come back when you have a little less activity in your life.

Watch out for it.

[Lux]

You said it yourself; ”I get into something and it consumes me”. Well you’re definitely not alone, most of us can probably admit to that at some point in our cross dressing history. The key is to recognize it, pull back a little and move forward a little more cautiously. Definitely do not throw away your fem stuff.

Good luck!

[sarah_hillcrest]

Oh, the Pink Fog!! We all go through it. Some people purge all their clothes etc. Some people go through it several times before things finally settle down.

Hopefully, you didn’t purge.

I’ve been through it too, albeit a long, long, time ago.

Just go slow, have fun, and remember it’s okay to take a break once in a while. Just don’t purge!

Welcome back.

Anna

Thank You Anna, you are a good friend and I regret not coming here and exchanging messages during the last 6 months.

I respect your thoughtfulness and vulnerability. I have had similar thoughts many times. Honestly, the dressing often becomes an obsession that keeps me away from work, family and other important things. Very unhealthy. It resembles addiction for me sometimes. I don't know what to do about it. I do love it, and I'm not convinced that it's wrong *per se*, but strictly on a pros/cons basis, I often think I should give it up. Thanks for being honest.

I've always been very scared about losing control and let something control my life. As soon as I realized that was happening I freaked out.

I think most of us have thought about quiting one time or another or many times , but I think we can never quit , it's a lifestyle and it owns us and we own it , just gotta make the best of it and have fun with it

The idea of something owning me scares me to death, but I think you're right, its really good advice, just have fun with it.

Sarah,
If you have given up for good then be it.

That is good for you.

The pink fog may come back when you have a little less activity in your life.

Watch out for it.

Yeap that's exactly what happened, about 6 months away was all I could muster.

You said it yourself; ”I get into something and it consumes me”. Well you’re definitely not alone, most of us can probably admit to that at some point in our cross dressing history. The key is to recognize it, pull back a little and move forward a little more cautiously. Definitely do not throw away your fem stuff.

Good luck!

Luckily I threw nothing away, and just went through some stuff to make room for a couple things I just bought. I just found out my wife took my Sports Bra. "Honey, just wondering if you borrowed my sports bra." Not a question I bet she thought she would hear today.

[Rayleen]

sarah, why stop when you like it, I sometimes leave it for a while, but its more fun when the pink fog arise.

Its all different for each and everyone. enjoy whatever your heart desire.

[DIANEF]

Personally for me the desire to dress is always there, and increases year on year. But I do know of people who have gone months, even years with no desire to dress. I think it just illustrates the fact that no two of us are the same, though few ever completely escape the 'pink fog'.

[Janine cd]

I have been there too. I went for more than a year without crossdressing and then had the old desire return. In the meantime, I had purged all of my beautiful clothes, wigs and makeup. It took me only a moment to realize my mistake and that I could never lose the desire to dress.

[GretchenM]

It is not unusual for us to vary in our interest over time. There are so many aspects that drive desire, no matter what it is, our interests can change drastically. So many influences from so many directions. For some it is a straight line of development, but for most it is a winding and twisting road with smooth sections and four-wheel drive sections. But what really matters is finding that which is comfortable for you as an individual. Exploration and experimentation is healthy even if one returns to more or less the same place after a journey off in a new direction that we find goes nowhere in particular. Those are new experiences that allow us to find our personal boundaries. Perhaps it is fear that makes you pull back or perhaps it is just not feeling that it works for you. You went, you tried, you experienced, you learned and then returned to the more comfortable zone. Nothing wrong with that. IMHO that is what life is about and what makes life fun and interesting.

[Bobbi46]

Why stop completely? deep down it will always be there no matter what. I have at times (a long time ago now) wondered why do I do this but found that after a lot of research and of course joining this forum, found that dressing was not just a passing phase but a part of my life and from there settled into my life now pretty things most days.
But where you are right now I think you knocked your confidence a bit with the video part, don't knock yourself for that.
Think positive and the rest will follow, maybe you just need a short period of thinking where you want to be but as has been said do not purge anything, if dressing is as deep as I think it might be then at some point the need to dress fully will come back to you and I think by then you will experienced both sides of things and you will be able to decide where to go from there.
My thoughts are that if one dresses for a time and then stops that need to dress will return just as it was when dressing first started.
I hope you find hope and solace in what has been said, we are all here for you.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Thank you for all the good advice!

I am so glad I didn't throw anything away. Luckily I've grown past the part where I need to hide things from my wife and while I had no interest in it I didn't feel a pressing need to purge and thanks to a rather large and dry basement there is plenty of room.

I didn't even consider dressing in Feb, March, and April, in early May my wife and I had gone shopping and I decided I needed to buy a new pair of shorts. We were at a strip mall and she went to the shoe store and went to Old Navy next door. I walked in and found myself staring directly at a rack of beautiful summer dresses, which had just been hung up, they were in the process of changing all their clothes to summer. Without thinking I walked up to them and started looking and thought, "I would love to get a new dress and these are so pretty." Then I just froze and realized what I was doing. It wasn't like a different personality had taken control of my body or anything, it was just like a part of my personality switched on that had been turned off for a long time.

I walked over the men's section and started looking at shorts and just felt a profound sadness that these boring grey shorts were what I had to wear and buy. It was like going back to black and white in the Wizard of Oz. I left the store without making a purchase.

The rest of May I felt the desire to dress begin to return, but I kept putting it off. One of the biggest issues is my beard. I don't like my male face without it and seeing myself without it is a constant reminder that I'd prefer to present myself as a woman, but I'm feeling very strongly that I'm going to start shaving again.

I feel so lame that a simple thing that millions of men do everyday is such a big deal to me. Last Agust year I shaved my face for the first time since I was 16, literally. I'd had some kind of facial hair for 23 years LOL.

Anway I so appreciate your support and welcoming me back! Thank YOU.

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, I've been there! I suddenly began dressing out of the blue at age 50. I loved my youthful female shape and look in fem clothing. And, my look from behind in wigs.

But, over the following year came to despise my ugly, old, man face! Until, at Halloween, I tried on a mask. That changed everything! I loved how I looked and began making my own masks! For the following 12 years I wore a mask every time I dressed!

8 years ago, I began going out to meet other T's. Now, I have to shave and can't wear masks on those occasions.
Still hate the way I look without them but I do what I have to so I can meet and fit in with other dressers!

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I sense an internal struggle going on , justifying the need to dress , questioning the need .

I admit it never goes away for me the gut feeling was 24/7 , I don't have that gut feeling anymore because I'm comfortable with my dressing. Whether I fully dress or not everyday I make it a regular routine to shave all over , on a daily basis it doesn't take that long . That means it's not an excuse later in the day , if the mood takes me I will dress and more than likely go out to check out the shops . I love the pictures and still find them useful , I've been there and done the odd video but it's not important to me .

I see this problem more from people who have this ebb and flow , it must be harder to come to terms with it because it's inconsistent , I guess at times you feel like a fraud , you may tell people or fear them knowing about your CDing only to find it's burried itself again . In that respect I consider myself lucky that it's a consistent daily need , I'm also lucky because I can now integrate into my daily routine . I can buy clothes knowing I will have a regular use for them . It must be frustrating going to all the trouble of building a special room only to find the next day the need for it all has ebbed away . All you can do is shut the door and wait for that mist to come back we all know it will .

[Stephanie47]

I've always maintained I cannot answer the questions of why I need to wear women's clothing. On the surface it makes absolutely no sense. I would think with all the societal expectations of how a man is suppose to look, I would want to conform. It really does not make sense a man would intentional go out of his way to present as a female. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure that out. The "Why" is totally different than "what" I feel when I do wear women's clothing. There have been time periods, sometimes long and sometimes short, when I have had no desire to wear women's clothing, but, I wore the clothes anyway. I got absolutely no good vibs from doing it. I did not experience any sense of stress relief. Nada, nil, nothing. Then there were times when wearing women's clothing almost became a daily thing to do and it became all consuming. To the extent I got nothing else accomplished.

I stay away from mirrors or at least do not get close up. I do not make an attractive woman. I guess at age seventy plus I should not expect to be a raving beauty. All I have to do is look at the aging women around me. They do look like they should at that age. I cannot pretend to be a youthful woman. I just do not force myself to wear women's clothing. If I am not moved to do it, I don't do it. If it was to fade away, so be it. Otherwise, I'll just wait around and wait for the inclination to arise in me again.

[Rayleen]

Thanks Stephanie47, I feel the same way as you do, why fight...I dress for myself and its pleasing.