A return to shopping, finding motivation, and more confusion

[sarah_hillcrest]

My wife and I went shopping Thursday and she was totally aware that I was into it on a personal level. I had been wearing panties all week, especially my pastel ones with the little bow, and I made sure she knew it. She was excited about going shopping with someone who wouldn't be just wandering off to go find a bench somewhere. She is recovering from a foot surgery so we were a bit limited, we hit up Ross and spent alot of time looking together. While checking out the dresses I pulled off a white dress with flower embroidery and said I thought it would look really good on her. She said, "I don't do white, but you could get it." I hung the dress back up, but later she encouraged me again to buy it so I did. A couple of other stores were not fruitful but she found a couple things at a small thrift store where I bought some jeans that don't fit.

A huge storm blew through our region that night and took the power off for awhile, powerlines near our house exploded. It was wild.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling really down. My wife is off work for at least another week and has been off for a month. I've had almost zero girl time. A couple months ago I could have cared less, but now I'm really getting antsy about it. I'm not usually one to get depressed but Saturday I just laid on the couch for a couple hours sulking. Eventually I started using my imagination and thinking about myself thinner and looking good. I found myself motivated and did a tough bike ride and followed it with 45 minutes of swimming at a nearby lake. A big part of what got me there was imagining myself sunbathing on the beach in a bikini. Yeah not going to happen, but I did sunbath for a bit in my bike shorts LOL.

Saturday found me getting hit with a major blow. My wife has been planning a vacation with her Mom to Florida and staying with her old best friend, she'd bought plane tickets and everything. Turns out her old best friend is going through some major drama, boyfriend's in jail, one of her kids is in rehab, and it's looking like the trip is off. I love her, but I was so looking forward to a week alone. I couldn't hide how hard this hit me and I could tell it hurt her. "If you want to wear your dress around the house don't let me stop you," she said. I don't think it would be that easy though. In my mind I had been flirting with my own trip, and spending as much time possible as Sarah.

Turns out she can't get a refund on the tickets but they can move the flight to Daytona so it may still be on. Now I'm left feeling guilty about wanting her gone so bad, and yet really hopeful she still goes. She's super nervous about going somewhere without me.

[phili]

Sara,
Listen to your wife. She is supporting you, and you are self limiting, as best I can see. She loves you, wants your support, and is offering hers. At least do this- say, "Darling, I am sorry. I was sulking about not having the house to myself, and that is all based on the idea that I can't be myself or explore what I am feeling bc you won't really accept me. But you have been encouraging, and maybe I am just afraid you won't be if I show you how I feel."


See what she says- probably it will be some version of 'what do you feel- tell me [first before showing me something I am scared of]


I found that difficult to do, so I had to say- "The best I can do is start and try to tell you as it comes up, but that is what I am afraid of, that you will be unhappy and … [hopefully in a non critical way say what happened in the past to bring you to this feeling.]

Full disclosure- in my case my wife agreed- more or less saying - "yes I don't like it at all and don't want you to do it at all!"

But in your case it sounds like your wife is already accepting of at least some range of dressing and what she sees. Can you try to use the staying home time now while the iron is hot, to extend your understanding and her understanding of what you want and what she sees, worries about, and is comfortable with working on with you?

[Tracii G]

Don't feel guilty about wanting her to go and be gone from the house.
Its natural to want to have some time alone and actually its a healthy thing.

[Sidney]

Sarah, don't feel guilty. Everyone needs alone time. My wife and I are retired and are together like 24/7. We plan alone time. She goes to lunch and visits her friends as I do mine. My wife is planning 4 or 5 days at the beach after the summer crowd is gone. I take day trips, sometimes dressed and sometimes not in my 370Z.

Your wife seems accepting going girl shopping with you. I agree you are limiting yourself and I feel you need to work on communicating about BOTH your guy and girl side. Life is wonderful when we stop limiting yourself and allow yourself to be who you are.

[Pat]

Sara, I agree with Phili -- you have to work on your communication. Even when you have a supportive, accepting partner it can be hard because you're in the habit of secrecy, you don't know the deep answers about yourself yet, and there's a common, very human, fear that nobody can love us if they really know us. My long term sweetie is a TS woman who transitioned 18 years ago -- you can't get a more supportive person than that -- and yet I went through the same sort of thing. I sulked when I couldn't get enough time alone to explore my own feelings about me and I was shy about talking about my feelings because in large part I didn't know what they were and I though if I said something aloud I'd be required to hold that feeling forevermore. It turns out that's not the case. The truth of the moment is a just that. You're allowed to change as you grow. It sounds like your wife is supportive and wants to be a part of your life no matter what that is. Let her in. Be one of the couples that survive.

At the same time, listen to her. Listen to what she needs/wants/thinks with the same understanding that truths change. Work out a common vision of where the two of you are going. And honestly? Don't make her get on that airplane alone.

[Anna Stouf]

I know I'm not qualified to say anything in this thread because I've been married and divorced FOUR times, and now have been alone for eight years.

HOWEVER, I have 74 years of life experience and I feel compelled to say something,...I want to echo what Pat said:

"Don't make her get on that airplane alone"

[Jaylyn]

My advise is to go with her and dress later around the house.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Hey thanks for the advice guys, thing is she bought tickets for her and her MOM. I"VE NEVER FLOWN! I'm actually quite frightened by the idea of flying. She has flown by herself once before. She hinted that I buy a ticket and go with them, and I've considered it, but I don't really want to, and not just because I'm going to have a Cross dressed Lolapoloza for a week, that's part of it. I get along pretty good with her Mom and I guess it might be fun, I don't know. This week along is literally a once in a lifetime thing for me. We both moved from our parents house to our house. I've built it up into something huge in my mind. I've been thinking of an outing as Sarah, as ridiculous as that sounds.

You are all definitely right we have to talk about it.

[CD_Danielle]

Hi Sarah, I can empathize with you. Before we got married I had a chat with my future wife about my dressing. She was accepting to a limited degree. Recently I started another chat about the future of Danielle and she now has a less limited acceptance. We share a common item in your story and that is my wife is also recuperating from foot surgery. We went to DSW to buy me a pair of shoes for Danielle but her foot was very sore. We made a quick look and I picked a pair that are beautiful, T strap 4" heel by Nina. I have also been guilty of having the same thoughts where i want her to leave for a while so I can get dolled up. I feel guilty every time this thought pops up in my mind and that makes things more obvious to her that I am struggling with something. We can't fool a woman because they are so perceptive to non verbal communication. If I were in your shoes I would talk with her and let her know that you would like more alone time but not at the expense of having her leave on the trip feeling alone with no support from you. She may surprise you and go on the trip while letting you opt out of the trip to explore your feminine side. granted she might not seem as supportive at this time but if she had you buy that dress believe me she understands more than you may realize. My wife asked me to put on my new heels the next morning so she could check out my legs in them.....very supportive and more than I deserve. Good luck sister and let her know you care how she feels during this tough time for her.

Danielle

[Beverley Sims]

I would take up the offer of getting dressed anyway, it is a step forward.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Well we talked last night, but nothing was really settled. I had gone on a big shopping trip on my way home from a meeting and I asked if she wanted to see what I got. She did, and I could tell there was some aggravation and jealousy. 3 pairs of jeans, 2 dresses, one top, and one pair of red heels spent about 40 bucks since most of it was thrift store. She was ticked that I hadn't bought anything for her, which is kind of lame because she goes shopping all the time and doesn't bring me home stuff. She was also concerned about the money I spent, which I would totally agree, except that we have plenty of money and I'm not a big spender, most of the time.

Ultimately she was just really more concerned with her trip and what to do and the foot pain from her surgery that won't let up. It wasn't really a good time to talk about things. She has decided that it would be best if I didn't go on the trip. She figured I'd just be a third wheel and she and her Mom want to just chill and hang out at the beach, and she knows that I am incapable of chilling and hanging out anywhere. I think also she could understand my desire to stay at home, but it also hurts her that I'd rather stay at home alone.

The biggest issue that came up concerning my cross dressing is that she wishes she had someone to talk to about it, and hates having this secret alone and she is such a huge worry wart. I don't think she is personally all that concerned with me dressing but she thinks its insane because someone could show up at the house. She thinks I'm going to get caught and we are both going to be humiliated.

[Anna Stouf]

Sarah,
Three things:

(1). I love your new avatar. You look good.

(2). If your wife needs someone to talk to about CDing, there is a section on this forum called “Loved Ones”. It is for wives, SO’s, family, etc. Maybe she could check it out.

(3). Maybe there is a support group in your area where she could meet other spouses. Or maybe a professional counselor.

Just me thinking again (I know, that can be dangerous, LOL).

Anna

[Tracii G]

Have her join the FAB section here if they still have it.