In Love and Greatful

[Sidney]

My wife went out for her monthly GG luncheon with like forever friends. I stayed home and cleaned up the house a little. Was going to go out but I didn't want to deal with the heat so stayed home and decided to come here and read some old threads.

I found one that really sadden me. It was called something like ....... what is the worst thing that anyone has ever done or said to you in regard to your CDing.

One wife, who thankfully is now an exwife, told both sides of the family and all friends that her husband was a crossdress and was going to transition to a woman, he had no intention of transitioning. Not going into all the details but they divorced, after he didn't transition things seemed to calm down for him and everyone realized his now exwife was a real bser, liarer and revenge filled person.

There we're many other similar stories some not as bad and some even more horrible. There really are some toxic, evil, hateful people out there.

What I started thinking about was why do so many wives and girl friends of CDERS respond respond in such a negative and hateful way.

When I told my wife about my CDing she deffinatelly did not start jumping up and down clapping her hands yelling I'm so glad for us. There was some crying, hurt (about me hiding it). But four years later we are still together. She is supportive of my dressing but not a participant other than occasional panties or a bra she'll buy for me.

I think we are still together for one very simple yet complex thing. We love each other very deeply and want each other to be truly happy. We are seeing counselors and have been for awhile that have helped each of us with my crossdressing as well as other issues we have that fortunately are not serious deal breakers.

And there in I think is the answer, at least for us. We love each other very deeply and don't have any major problems in our lives.

Maybe I'm wrong but I think alot of the times when we come out to our wives or girl friends there are l other serious underlying problems and maybe not the love we thought was there and the crossdressing is an excuse for an out or in cases of a married couple, divorce.

Why this rant, not sure. But it has made me realize how much I love and appreciate my beautiful wife.

Any comments on why some accept us and why it's such a deal breaker for others.

Thanks, Sidney

[AllieSF]

Hi Sidney, you have clearly expressed how I sometimes think about all that. One thing is to be upset, mad, etc. The other is to toss things in the street, tell the world, refuse to discuss the issue (pink elephant for most of us, in the room) and do other uncalled for responses and over the top reactions. I have always thought that there must be something more and deeper about this relationship than just the CDing part, or the spouse has a lot of loose screws and is someone I would never want to know. One thing is the initial reaction, the other tends to a long term issu, or the CD is not telling the whole truth.

[stepanie]

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who don't know the difference between loving someone for who they are and loving someone for what they do for them.
Many narcissists will say I love you and "we" interpret this as they love us for who we are when in fact what they really mean is
they love us for what we do for them. By the time we figure this out, that they really didn't love us for who we are but that they loved us for what we did for them,
there's a big outburst like the one Sidney describes and they then try to put the blame on the other person because "they" didn't fulfill what they say was our responsibility to "love "them the way they demand.

[kimdl93]

Its not a one sided thing. Of course, I have to rely on my own experience, but the common theme I see is that love demands not only being honest about oneself, but also being empathetic to the needs, desires and fears of your partner. I clearly failed, not once, but twice... Or more correctly, over 35 years of marriage with two women (not at the same time!) I evidently missed far too many opportunities to think and act in an empathetic and supportive manner for my spouse.

Also, anger is often a major element in divorce. My first wife, in particular, took many opportunities to make derogatory statements at my expense. I'm sure she planted many seeds of doubt, perhaps reinforced some suspicions, and some family members were troubled enough to ask me about it. In the end, I avoided playing the game and life went on.

[Nikki A.]

Some women feel that they were cheated or lied to if they find out after being together for years. These are usually the ones that spew the most hateful things. I made sure my wife knew when we started to get serious, either she accept that this was a part of me or let's part as friends. Over the 20 years we we together (she did pass away) there were times she could be accepting and other times not very, but we tried to compromise.
Again, I never thought of transitioning back then and I knew that if I would have considered it it would probably end the marriage.

[Jaylyn]

Sidney I agree and have thought if CD breaks up a marriage there is simply not enough give and take on the love side. The old saying Love Conquers All holds true in a CDs life, even if it's only a DADT situation. Together a solution could be reached if love was strong.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Maybe I'm wrong but I think alot of the times when we come out to our wives or girl friends there are l other serious underlying problems and maybe not the love we thought was there and the crossdressing is an excuse for an out or in cases of a married couple, divorce.

Almost every one of my friends and younger relatives growing up are either divorced or never married. My wife and I talk about this often and wonder what is different about us, the issues that we've dealt with together are too numerous to mention here and yet people who have children and swimming pools get divorced. I can't understand it.

[Anna Stouf]

("Maybe I'm wrong but I think alot of the times when we come out to our wives or girl friends there are l other serious underlying problems and maybe not the love we thought was there and the crossdressing is an excuse for an out or in cases of a married couple, divorce.") Originally posted by Sidney.

CD'ing is almost never the root cause of a breakup. However, it is quite often the trigger. There are usually other problems in the marriage that may have been festering for a long time. Then the CD'ing thing comes up, and the wife says: "Oh, your a CD'er too? OK, I can't take any more, I'm out of here."

If two people truly have deep love and commitment, they want their partner to be happy, and they want the best for them, and together they can handle almost anything life throws at them.

Unfortunately, most people get married for the wrong reasons, and when something doesn't suit them, they're gone. And if one of them is narcissistic, like Stepanie said, then bad things happen and somebody gets hurt.

I have seen it all. I have been married and divorced FOUR times. I've lost a fortune and had two home foreclosures, one in 1985 and one in 2009. Now, at 74 yrs old, I doubt that I'll ever have another woman in my life and I just feel very fortunate that I have a place to live. It's not much, and I'll never see it paid off, but it is clean, and it's warm in the winter time.

I have found women to be very controlling and manipulative. After the Honeymoon is over, everything changes, and nothing is like they said it was gonna be. Was I married to the wrong women? Absolutely. Was I smart enough to know the difference? Nope.
It doesn't matter now. It's all history.

So Sidney is exactly right in her assessment of the situation.

Very insightful. Well done!

[Aunt Kelly]

Not a rant at all, Sidney. I'd say it was rather insightful. For solid, healthy relationships the existence of a TG partners is not an automatic death sentence for the relationship. There are all kinds of aggravating factors; religion, community, family, occupation, and so on, but as you say, loving and committed couples can survive much worse.
On the other hand, relationships that are already headed for the rocks, or just those without that bank of emotional trust, are ripe for having the TG partner's "secret" turned against them.

Bottom line, good on ya' for recognizing what a keeper you have. You tell her I said so.

Hugs,


Kelly

[GretchenM]

You are not ranting. You have presented a brilliant observation of how marriages and love works. Married or not, everyone is first and foremost an individual with likes, dislikes, and deep emotional feelings. Sometimes, I suspect, CDing does result in a collapse of the love, but often it does not. It just involves setting new boundaries to compensate for the changes. That said, there are some who expect the world to fit their concept of what should and should not be. And when things don't fit their dogma they freak out and become various types and forms of monsters.

As others have said though, it is a two-way highway and what happens is up to the individuals. I have always thought of marriage as a three-some - the two individuals plus and intangible third party called "couple." For success all three have to be moving in more or less the same direction. That requires careful and considered communication. But if the communication lines break down the "couple" will suffer and the union has a high chance of failure. What if the wife is a cross-dresser and suddenly, after 35 years of marriage, admits it and needs to go public? How does that work out and how does that differ from a situation where the man is the CD?

I love your post.

[sometimes_miss]

why do so many wives and girl friends of CDERS respond respond in such a negative and hateful way.

Because women plan their lives around who their mate is. Change that, and everything in their life changes dramatically. And if you change it by not telling them something, they become furious. Women reserve the right of deception, for themselves. They expect complete openness and honesty from everyone else. Part of this is evolution. Historically, a woman would have to try to pick out the best possible mate to insure the survival of herself and her offspring; and she may only have one chance to do this, as many women died in childbirth or immediately after in earlier times. When one of us winds up being a girly guy, it makes her feel insecure, because now she doesn't know if she (and/or her offspring) will be safe, or provided for. AND, she feels that we fooled her as to who and what we are. Nobody likes to be fooled. It makes them feel stupid, and cheated out of what they thought they were getting involved with. And it doesn't matter if she's had children yet or not, as the longer it takes before she finds out, she will feel that all that time with you has been a complete waste, because she could have instead been looking for a 'real' man. Does that explain it?

[Beverley Sims]

Love does conquer all.