struggling....

[VS Fan]

Ok, quick background: my wife knows, is mildly supportive, but doesn't ever want to see me dressed. Essentially no one else in the world knows outside of this forum and the various online stores I buy from . For me dressing is more of an indoor activity (or while driving) and I've never made any serious attempt at make-up or to pass, and although I have a wig, i have NO CLUE what to do with it to make it look even remotely realistic. (And it's a remi human hair wig to boot...)

I have few real friends - only those from work, or just random friends from my past through facebook. Certainly I have no one in my life that knows about this other side of me... except my wife of course. I feel like i have made a real connection with the woman that does my massage therapy and (on other days) my pedicures at a local spa. She's married and whatnot, so there's no romantic tension (even though I have to admit she is gorgeous), and we freely talk about our lives and what's going on. Since she's obviously doing my pedicures, she knows I'm a little different, but she has other men that get color too and I don't think she suspects anything at all... she's met my wife and I of course just act like it's all in good fun. I also get full leg and chest waxing done there, which she doesn't do, but certainly knows about... but even this doesn't seem to have sparked any questions... maybe due to professionalism or whatever. I had good excuses ready when i first signed up for these additional services....

But now, as I've gotten to know her better, I feel that I've been hiding a significant part of myself, and I'm starting to feel "fake" with all the lies piled on top of each other as to why I'm doing all of this. This basically brings me to my ultimate point: I have not one single friend that I can truly be open and honest with.... and I want that desperately to change. My wife and I discussed and she suggested meeting people through groups etc, but again I'm not really sure that I could handle that solo, and she's not remotely interested in participating. So I asked her opinion about telling my "spa girl" and she said that I needed to be prepared for the worst scenario, i.e. she's revolted or really uncomfortable somehow, and I lose a friend, and a spa over it. Other than that, she said she didn't mind, since it was obvious I really wanted to share with her (with the "dream" of a positive reaction of course - or at least a couple giggles and a "that's cool man, no big deal" and then back to normal... but at least I would feel real with her.)

So naturally, I checked the forum archives, and found all kinds of posts on telling family, etc but not much on telling others you know... but even still the consensus was "don't tell anyone that doesn't need to know." Which normally I would agree with, but the psychological need to be open with at LEAST ONE PERSON in my life is really driving me (since she wouldn't judge me the same way a wife would.... women in general seem to be tolerant of stuff like this as long as it's not THEIR husband... )

So... just looking for any similar stories (good or bad) or advice. There's very little chance of her "outing me" because even if she was to not be thrilled about it, I know the kind of person she is and there'd be no reason to hurt me, particularly after nearly 2 years of me being her client.

Thanks in advance,

VS Fan

[Nikki.]

Join a support group. Then you can speak freely with others that get it, and when you’re ready, you can go to events dressed. People in the group will likely have tips on cd friendly hairdressers to help you get your hair taken care of.

[Tracii G]

You don't need to lie about why you are getting a pedicure just tell her you like it. It doesn't have to any farther than that.
I don't get this "feeling fake" thing people talk about. They don't need to know and why would you want to burden them with the knowledge about you?
What do they have to gain from it and what benefit is it to you to tell them?
You know eventually your wife is going to find out and be really pissed you shared something this personal with another woman. How is she going to look if other women know your secrets too.

[VS Fan]

Tracii - actually my wife knows and told me it was fine to tell her if I wanted to.

And you're right, there's not much benefit to them of course, unless by some chance they thought it was fun. I guess that's what i was really hoping for... but I'm sensing that's a pipe dream LOL....

[TheHiddenMe]

I've written about my experiences in the picture forums, but I will give you the short version here.

I was planning four girl days out so I wanted to get my nails done (with color, of course). Made an appointment, went in drab, prepared to tell a story about being for Halloween (this was a week before Halloween). It turned out the nail tech was young and cool, so I told the truth--and went back to the store that night dressed. She couldn't have been more supportive.

Six months later, four more girl days, wanted to get my nails done again. I wanted the prior nail tech, but she wasn't available, so I just picked another. I told her my plans (train trip to Chicago dressed), she told me her story, and we hit it off. A week ago Thursday we went out to dinner together, and we've been out shopping a few times together. She enjoys the Dee side of me.

I would have never expected it.

I would come clean. If the nail tech has issues, you can find another nail tech. If she doesn't have issues, then maybe you can find an ally that you never expected.

I got over my fears, told the truth, and my CD life is a while lot better because of that.

[lingerieLiz]

Since your wife knows you want to share inside information about yourself and is OK with it. That is one less thing to worry about. Over the years I've outed myself to various people. The gal that cuts my hair has done it for years. I wear a bra most of the time and know it shows in some situations. One day she got a bunch of hair all over my white cotton top. There was no way she didn't feel my bra cups as she tried to get the hair off. That was several years ago and we are still friends. Before that I had on a push up bra and she went to wash my hair. As she laid the chair back the girls were a true C standing at attention.

I went to get a flu shot one day from the local pharmacy that I use. I had on a women's top. As the tech went to give me the shot my bra strap slipped down. The tech didn't mis a beat and caught it with her finger and raised it out of the way. Gave me the shot and never said a thing.

No one can tell you what you will encounter and what her reaction will be.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Some industries such as nail salons, massage, and spas get a fair share of clients within the community. I suspect with the services you have requested , she already suspects. I'd caution you to talk things over with you spouse before spreading the word. Your spouse may have unspoken thoughts on the subject.

[VS Fan]

Kelly - yeah oddly my wife is completely ok with this... well, it's not odd I suppose, she trusts me implicitly... but she was cool when I asked her about wanting to do this.

HiddenMe - I would love to repeat your experience!

Liz - thanks for your stories as well... sounds great

Anyway thanks to all for the replies!

[Tracii G]

Well It seems you have things under control so if your wife is cool with it then OK.
I am so used to stories here where guys spill the beans and the wife goes nuts and leaves him LOLOL

[Aunt Kelly]

VSFan, you are proposing to share what, to you, is a very personal and private thing. I truly do understand your desire to share, but I must urge caution. Weigh what you can realistically expect to gain against that worst case scenario. Now factor in what you know about this person, her attitudes, etc., i.e. assess the likelihood of a favorable response. If it still seems like a good idea, by all means go for it. If it blows up in your face, at least you can honestly say that "it seemed like a good idea at the time." : )
The merchants I go to for girl stuff know about me. They kinda have too if I am to get what I need from them. My doctors do not (though my mostly hairless body night have them wondering) because they don't need to know.
The advice too seek out a support group is good. If you can find some TG friends for the occasional GNO, even better. It's worth the hunt, maybe even a little travel. The reward is far greater than you are likely to get from your spa friend.

Good luck,

Kelly

Edit: Sorry for the confusion, Traci. That's what I get for using a tablet with a sketchy browser while slightly distracted. Referred to the wrong post.

[Tracii G]

Not sure what you mean Aunt Kelly were you asking me that question?

[Stephanie47]

VS, I know you have a burning desire to find some sort of acceptance outside of your wife having knowledge. I suspect it is some sort of self validation. Your wife summed up one aspect of revealing your intimate secret; "be prepared for the worst scenario." It has been said many times in posts on this forum to tell on "a need to know basis."

But, I'll throw in whether she wants to know? She may be friendly. She may be a great woman to talk to. She is also a professional. It's her job to provide services. You have the "need" to tell her. You may end up totally disappointed.

[Diane Smith]

I've found most people in the beauty industry to be very open to us. Certainly your nail gal must already be pretty aware if she has painted your toes and waxed your legs - I can't imagine it will be any big surprise to her if you open up fully. The lovely people who have done my nails, hair, waxing, makeup and tattoos over the years all know about and have seen me in both modes, and without exception have been completely accepting (and discreet) about it.

I also second the idea to find a local support group (or a social group, if that would be easier).

- Diane

[SamanthaToday]

Fan, I just told my electrolysis.. I was ready with a picture I was happy with, after showing her She was great. But when I got home I felt like maybe I told her something She didnt want to hear.

So I sent her this text..

"HI. I hope I didn't embarrass you. most likely you dont have Male clients that asked for this treatment, so I figured you must be wondering. You are in a tiny circle of people who know. My wife ,daughter and therapist and now you. See next week. Thank you."


Her response..

"No worries... I suspected but I usually let the client feel.comfortable around me and then they tell me in their own time.
I have had quite a few trans clients over the years.
I am working on 3 others at this time.
Everything is confidential so no worries there. 😉😁

Thanks for the text🤗
"

Hope this helps,Samantha

[Charlyne]

She already strongly suspects that you crossdress. Yes break the ice with her. You are “the customer”. You really can't go wrong here (I am presuming that you are nice to talk with and you are a reasonable tipper). Barbers, hairdressers etc are best friends with their clients. It’s all about baby steps on your way to becoming more comfortable with your feminine side.

[Millisense]

Hi VS Fan, I'm right where you are now: I want to tell my best friend, (a woman), and have even posted here that I'm telling here "this week", etc, but still haven't found the nerve.
Reading your post made me think about "why" I want to tell her, so thank you for that.
I also dress like you do, and while driving. I don't own a wig though yet.

I liked in your second post you said that maybe that you're really hoping for her to find it "fun", and maybe expand your relationship to something like what TheHiddenMe has?
In your case, what are you wanting to get from admitting you crossdress? Simply validation and acceptance? You'll always find that here of course. Or, per your second post,
you're really hoping for an accepting friend who you can dress in front of, show you
how to do make-up, wear your wig, etc. (You kind of admit that in your third post)

So it really comes down to this specific person: your massage therapist/pedicurist. You want to share more with her, have her as a friend, etc. She's a professional: most likely she's going to take any revelations professionally, like you said, I don't think you have to worry too much about that, and like others said: in her field she's almost definitely heard similar stories. Like others said too, if that's something that bothers her, and you can tell, there's other fish in the sea in case the "real connection" seems to dissipate, it's just simple fear of rejection of course. You'll never have that
particular friend you seek unless you try. So it's not really a CD issue if you think about it.

Expanding on your connection first to blossom to a real friendship (before revealing more to her) would be a normal course your could take, but approaching a married woman for friendship is very tricky. It may actually be a benefit to be "femme" in a case like that. You might just go slow, tell her you enjoy your time with her as it allows you to feel, in your words: "open and honest", or "real", and talk more about your nails, or color, etc., or talk about her clothes, etc. She's going to figure it out if she hasn't already.

Friends are valuable; accepting friends are a treasure. Seek the first and hope for the second.

[marshalynn]

VS FAN, I think the hardest thing to do is open your mouth and say the first words that you want to talk about. You will be ready to talk and be thinking about what you want to say, and the words just won't come out of your mouth. I was like this for a while, about 65 years, before I just started talking to people. In the last 10 years, I have told at least 50 people, that's not including my family, they know also. The hard part is open your mouth and tell the truth about your self. I have never had any one act bad to me in any way. Be proud of your self, GOD made all of us the way we are and we have to live our lives the best we can. Don't worry about telling your friend, I am sure she knows already, but is waiting for you to say something first. I love all the people I have to talk to and I know you will like having a person you can be open and honest with. Marshalynn

[Roxanne Lanyon]

VS Fan, the hardest thing I did was pick up the phone and call the nearby crossdresser support group. I am going to my first meeting next week, and an a nervous wreck! This will be my first time "out" in company. But, I am going through with it. I need friends who dress. I am going to do it.
Roxanne

[CarlaWestin]

After the big build up drama of, "I have something to tell you, I hope we can still be friends, blah, blah........" She'll probably say, "And you think I didn't know?"
Just do it. It's no big deal and there's such a wonderful afterglow when you've shared with an accepting confidant. Then you both have a secret! But, be careful. There will be an impulse to
try to experience that euphoria again. Use discretion.

[VS Fan]

I liked in your second post you said that maybe that you're really hoping for her to find it "fun", and maybe expand your relationship to something like what TheHiddenMe has?
In your case, what are you wanting to get from admitting you crossdress? Simply validation and acceptance? You'll always find that here of course. Or, per your second post,
you're really hoping for an accepting friend who you can dress in front of, show you
how to do make-up, wear your wig, etc. (You kind of admit that in your third post)
.

Mark - great questions...

I mentioned to my wife how I love it when she (my wife) makes little jokes to me about my dressing ... for example, "I'm missing a blue dress.... you didn't take it did you? ::wink wink::" She knows I didn't but we have fun with it. I admitted to my wife that I would like this same sort of thing with my spa friend... I guess that's a search for validation in some regard? I could only dream that she (or other ladies in the spa) would want to help me dress, or do makeup etc... I am not holding my breath for that, or remotely expecting it, but it is certainly in my mind on some level, since I don't get that at home.


Charlyne - she has made many comments about how she enjoys my time there (as does my waxing / facial tech). My nail tech even quasi- invited herself to my birthday celebration I was talking about with her... which I was shocked by, but very receptive to. I tell her jokes and she relays back how they play with her dad and her husband. Her dad even sent me a comic strip cut out of a joke he thought I would like in response to a recent joke I told her. Oddly enough, and this is what STARTED all this train of thought .. is that the joke was a few people at a party, one says to the other, "Watch out for Larry, he's a cross dresser." The next panel had an actual DRESSER at the party and someone was commenting on how nice the woodwork was. The dresser says "hey did i say you could touch my drawer!?" And the other party go-er says, "see what I mean?" So to me this is the perfect opening to say.... "sooo... that comic you gave me last week..."

And I am a VERY generous tipper - so there's always the presumption that they would never want to sour the customer relationship just for that aspect alone.

She'll probably say, "And you think I didn't know?"
Just do it. It's no big deal and there's such a wonderful afterglow when you've shared with an accepting confidant. Then you both have a secret! But, be careful. There will be an impulse to
try to experience that euphoria again. Use discretion.

Carla - hahah exactly what i'm hoping for (But good advice on being careful going fwd....!)


Once again, I sincerely appreciate all the responses, both for and against this idea... THANKS

VS Fan

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yeah I don't think telling people is a good idea, but in this case I'm sure she already knows. How man men go to spas? How many get pedicures? Also you're relationship is that of client and service provider and in those situations you pretty much hold the power, they realize that you could take your business elsewhere and their job is to please you. I can't imagine a problem with telling them unless it was some kind of super conservative salon. I think that you could make this into your girl sanctuary. For example, if you wanted to experiment with a public outing some day this could be the place to do it.

Good luck.

[VS Fan]

How man men go to spas? How many get pedicures?
Good luck.

they tell me quite a few actually... but how many also get facials and waxing to boot? hahah

[audreyinalbany]

wait, wait wait...she gave you this cartoon about crossdressing and you think she doesn't know you're a crossdresser???
Here's the problem as I see it: you said that there's no romantic tension (even though 'she's married and whatnot") yet you also mention that she is gorgeous. I'm wiling to be that, on some level, you think that revealing yourself to her could lead to something more. She might want to become your 'gal pal,' and hang out together,or she may get turned on by it and want something more, or some other 'end game' besides simply sharing this part of you. It sounds to me like a slippery slope indeed. Being 'tired of the lies' sound to me like a pretty thin veneer for "I think this woman at the spa is kinda hot." I think if it is truly a question of wanting to share your 'secret' with someone you should join a support group.

[VS Fan]

hahah... the cartoon definitely seemed like a ::hint hint:: but she claims it was her dad that found it for me.

I do think she's gorgeous, but we spend a LOT of time talking about her husband (whom she talks about with seemingly genuine affection), my wife and my kids. And although there's certainly an attraction (for my part), I'd no sooner cheat on my wife with her than any other woman. I've been married over 20 years, love my wife and family and the life we've built, and am not about to screw that up. I don't think she'd be turned on by it in any case... if anything I think it would solidify the boundary between us as just friends (I mean let's face it, not too many women are turned on by this whole thing, even if they think it's curious or fun, the way sometimes women like to hang out with gay guys, etc. because it's "safe")

I will say that you all have convinced me to look into a local group - regardless of what I decide to do here otherwise.

[Bobbi46]

I totally agree with all who have suggested going to a support group. Just choosing a person who you know well is not as secure as you might think, once the cat is out of the bag ther's no putting it back. One little thing said, quite inoquosly by your friend could find its way down the line to end up xho knows where? your boss or line manager finding out, closer to home even your neighbours.
Telling is one thing with sharing a burden if it is, but one has to be very carefull. In your position as others have said find a support group, in a way finding a "trusted" person might not on the whole be as secure you might hope for.
Best wishes and be careful.