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Thread: What do you talk about with SO when dressed and together

  1. #26
    Member Rollermiss's Avatar
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    When dressed I talk to my SO like I always talk to her. About work( both of ours), our girls, same as every married couple does every day.

    Kelsey

  2. #27
    Member Happilymarriedguy's Avatar
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    With my wife being supportive but not wanting to get involved with my dressing I can give you what we talk about.

    Most of the time it is the same boring things. Occasionally she will make a comment if she likes what I am wearing but that is the end of the girly talk.

  3. #28
    Member biancabellelover's Avatar
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    I only started on this journey a bit over 18 months ago, and the only thing that my CD’ing has changed is that we talk about fashion in more depth than we used to. We also talk more about gender issues than before, as I gain greater insights.

    We have these conversations whether I’m dressed or not.

    I hesitate to give advice, as I’m no way qualified. I hope that you find some way to make it work.

    Michelle.

  4. #29
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    1. Don’t project how you wish to present in the world on to your wife. Her sense of style and esthetic is well established and defines in part how she wishes the world to see and interact with her. Social status is very important to her, and how she presents is a part of that. Her friends are similar it sounds. Once you accept you’re projecting on to her how you wish you could be and stop doing that, accepting her for her, there might be a reduction in negative feelings from her about ellen. If you’re bagging on her for not dressing how you perceive sexy, imagine how that feels to her, and how it might make her react. Of course Ellen needs time to dress and be free, so....

    2. Joining a tg support group and going to events is very safe and reasonable for you to do. It keeps Ellen dadt, the risk of getting outed is minimal, and you get to be pretty for a few hours and make friends who get it. You can create an uber account in Ellen’s name, rent a room at a hotel, and uber to events. even better if events are held in a hotel. Other event attendees get the need for discretion for some.

    3. I’ve read enough of your posts over the years I’ve been on here to conclude cd’ing is in your hard wiring, and you are miserable without an outlet. Anne Vitale calls it gender expression anxiety disorder and I believe she’s onto something. Acknowledge your wife’s fear of the destruction of her social standing, a legitimate but extremely unlikely outcome, promise and work to mitigate the risk, and hopefully you can come to a compromise that works for you both. Good luck.

    Edit: I didn’t answer your question. We interact the same as we do if I’m presenting male. But then I just want to live my same old life, but as a woman
    Last edited by Nikki.; 07-10-2018 at 12:43 AM.

  5. #30
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    Ellen, I think you are asking for something that doesn't exist. The magical conversation topic that will give your wife a lobotomy. You think there is something that GGs must talk about that makes them recognise it as a safe environment to be in and that would make her more comfortable to be around you while you are dressed. There is no such thing. I am closer in way of thinking to your wife than I am to the supportive SOs so I can give you my opinion and throw it away if you wish. You tried to be physical with your wife by touching her while you were dressed and wearing make up. You could be talking about the most interesting subject in the world for me and if you would have touched me at that point, I would have to fight the urge to punch you. I am being totally honest here. I would suggest you concentrate on introducing small elements in slower-that-slow pace and refuse point blank to appear fully dressed again in front of her. In my mind, this took you back miles in terms of mental image. If she is anything like me, seeing your partner and perceiving him as a female gf would be the death of the sexual feelings, which is one step away from completely pulling away from the hetero relationship. As I said, just my opinion, so please take it with a pinch of salt. Take comfort that at least she is trying to face her fear and not reject your relationship, which is not the same as her rejecting your crossdressing. Good luck

  6. #31
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    It certainly sounds like the conversations don't really change which supports my statement to her - I am just one person- a single coin with 2 faces. I guess she is struggling how to act toward each different face. And why would I want to show the other face when I am one person. I suppose it comes done to the unanswered but always asked question of why do we crossdress?
    I have been to a local group that has it's own building and a place to change there, so no need to rent a hotel room and Uber. Yes, the leader who shows up early has seen the drab me and also the people who see me leave, but they are all TG. Going to that or the other local support group social events would be fine, but she needs to be okay with that- allay her fears.
    When she asked me to come to bed fully as Ellen, I thought it a bad idea. I felt 'husband in bed', 'Ellen occasionally and elsewhere'. She wondered what it would be like touching my long wig or the hair touching her elsewhere, her chest against my padded bra, if I had long fingernails, would it hurt her. Lipstick on her body. So she was pushing her limits. I suggested just the wig, or just lipstick. She wanted it all. I didn't do any nail polish as it had gotten to 11:30 at night and so I did a quick 20 minute dress and makeup. I trimmed my beard down with trimmer and did not shave, hoping to soften the transformation and let me return to husband mode sooner. No further talk about it, but she asked I was still miserable and I said no. She showed so much love to put herself through that. I did but her several bouquets of flowers, and a nice card, and her favorite treat earlier before she did this, just offering to do it was very loving.
    Hugs, Ellen

  7. #32
    Member Lea's Avatar
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    My wife is supportive. When I am dressed she may mention that the outfit looks nice or comment on my makeup. Besides that the conversation topics stay the same.
    While the topics stay the same they sometimes go a different direction. I try not to interrupt her as much and I will offer suggestions but I try not to jump in and solve the problem.
    The one disappointment to me is she will never call me by me female name. She helped pick out the name and will use it when she ask does Lea need anything? The other nice thing is that in drab she really does not like me in her kitchen. Dressed she has been teaching me to cook.

  8. #33
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Ellen,
    It would have been lovely to have experienced that situation how different it might have all been , how I just wanted to sahre my CDing with my wife , I don't mean purely sexually but on everylevel , to have been a companion as when dressed . I still can't see why it couldn't have happened , OK for those few hours I might not have appeared like a husband but we could have been happy once that hurdle was crossed .

    For me it's never going to happen , well perhaps I shouldn't say never , who knows what is round the corner ?
    The real me ,no going back.

  9. #34
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    I also noticed when I was at the support group, I listened more and did not try to push my opinions as much as drab me would. When I write here, I think I also take the other person's feelings into consideration. That is something that can be easily transferred over to drab time, but to have noticed it and thought about it took Ellen time.

    Lea, having the SO call you by your femme name can seem like she agrees you are 2 different people. It makes sense to have it - just like a coin has a head and a tail label - but we call it quarter or dime. it is a useful pronoun to them to distinguish features of just one side of you, but prefer to call you by the one name they were first given by you.
    Hugs, Ellen

  10. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by ClosetED View Post
    Lea, having the SO call you by your femme name can seem like she agrees you are 2 different people.
    But what if you are not "two different people"?

    I am not two different people, there is not "a woman living inside me", as I said before I am me, wearing a dress or wearing a tuxedo does not change who I am or how I feel about anything.

  11. #36
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    Why would you think you have to talk about girl stuff?
    Most women I have been out with enfemme just talk about normal things we always talk about.
    The only thing different is the clothes you are wearing and you have on make up. Still the same person.

  12. #37
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi ClosetEd,
    I have no problem calling other CDers in my husband’s support group by their girl name but I usually don’t know them in any other setting or by any other name.

    My husband is a different story. I have known him a long loooooong time. I make an huge effort to call him by his girl name in front of the people in his group. One on one, I never call him by his girl name. It really reminds me of when I was in first grade and the kids on the playground pretended to be people from stories and wanted to be called by their storybook name (I remember my pretend name was Sue). Anyway, my point is that if you can get some acceptance for some type of CD activity, just go with it and don’t expect a fantasy to happen right away. As others have suggested, slow it down. It sounds like a lot of internal conflict in her and she is trying but not fully on board. Good luck to both of you.

  13. #38
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    We talk like we always do. She knows I like her opinion about what I’m wearing. She has such a nice, feminine way of telling me how I look without it coming off as criticism. She immediately knows when I’m wearing something new. She liked my top from Talbots, so I ordered one in her size. She loves it. We enjoy watching game shows. I “check” occasionally to be sure everything is OK. Sometimes, she’ll say, “they’re only clothes”, I just smile.

  14. #39
    Member leannejacobs's Avatar
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    I would say the topic of conversation remains the same as any other time, there may be the odd comment about my outfit, usually in fun, she'll say I look like a tart lol, her best friend also says this too, also in fun, I do dress a little tarty in the house.
    Her friend has requested a more casual look the next time she visits, again said in fun, both my wife and her friend are jeans and a sweater types when casual, I will of course oblige, I think my figure in my tarty outfits make them jealous lol

  15. #40
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Leanne -- many a truth is spoke in jest. It's like listening to opera -- if you hear the same line spoken more than once, pay attention; it's important.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  16. #41
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    She is much calmer and happier and put a women's necklace loaded with rhinestones on me last night. She said she bought it for both of us to wear.
    When we took a walk, she asked about my need to be affirmed and that having posted pictures on this site to be seen by men, what does that say about me?
    I pointed out she looks at clothes catalogs and looks at women and those women know other women will look at them. To me, both know the audience (M or F) will appreciate the look (or feel it is not for them) and not be trying to attract sexual responses, which may be the purpose of Penthouse models or possibly Victoria Secrets.
    I do not feel my drab self is handsome (and as teen felt worse) but now at my age I am better than most my age. She does not feel sexy in her mind and has concerns about trying to be sexy as that might lead to trouble (?unwanted passes), so she does not to be sexy all the time.
    So she wants me to try to work as hard to look handsome as I did to create Ellen. I felt that the tools available to create Ellen (makeup,wigs, padding,etc) are not available to make a man handsome. A stronger jawline. I can buy clothes but do they really make a man handsome? My hair is starting to thin and show silver, and yes I could get Rogaine or transplants if worse or a toupee. She thought a beard would create the better jawline. I have a large nose. I could get a nose job. But even a handsome man is not likely to get any verbal affirmation from society. So I hope to get her to stroke my ego and I to stroke hers, to smooth things out. Will that reduce desire to dress? Who knows?

    Hugs, Ellen

  17. #42
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I didn't know we should be talking about something else. We have our usual banter.

  18. #43
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Ed my wife was all for me doing my thing but it seemed after a couple years she decided she didn't want much to do with it. She was very supportive but then just changed or became complacent about my dressing. Just the other night though she was getting ready for bed after we had been out to eat, she was feeling frisky and reapplied her red lipstick and asked if I wanted some also. ( she knows I love it ), I said yes so she applied the red to my lips also and we kissed. I loved it but couldn't enjoy it like I would have liked too. It's hard to figure out wives sometimes. We did have a great night talking and enjoying the night.
    Next day she was back to DADT, like the night before never happened. My advice is just hang in there.

  19. #44
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Ellen, this a very interesting thread and for sake of the time I'll post my answer without reading all others first.
    Wife has tried to be nice and supportive but was so afraid of going out with me dressed.
    We've done I think around 5 times. All the time I ask her to give me tips in how to walk and things like that. I ask her what to dress and find out the same as you say. We are like adolescent, teenager girls and wear to sexy or provocative but wives usually don't do that in normal days, so I follow her instructions and several times I wear how she wants so we look similar as friends. What we talk? I know she doesn't feel 100% comfortable so I don't push my mannerisms too much. Just the needed, as my voice as well.
    When at home I'm the same but she finds out that dressed my walk and mannerisms are more naturally feminine so that's the same I do in public.
    After all these times out she confesses me that doesn't feel comfortable and is always scared that someone could recognize me (I use my own hair) so we haven't been out together for more that 2 months and I don't know when we'll do it again. That gets me sad because she knows I love sharing all my experiences with her.
    In a couple of weeks she's travelling overseas so she knows I'm going out to climbing at night, to the beach on weekends, probably Vegas and 100% time dressed.
    Conversations are always the same. We love watch other women and talk about make up, dresses etc, always a women chat even with me in male mode.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
    At Instagram @nessatrans,

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  20. #45
    Stand-up Comedian En Fem❤ Alice_2014_B's Avatar
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    The few times the wife and I have been out with me dolled up didn't involve much talking, just visiting a few stores.
    Melissa: "... and why are you dressed as a woman?"
    Coach McGuirk: "Because it's freeing."

    -Home Movies
    (cartoon series)

    Shoe size: 9 US women's.
    Dress size: M to L; 8-10.
    Height: 5' 6".

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