Maybe this is one of the true paradoxes of my life.
No regrets. Even with my latent gender issues and having left that piece of my life unresolved; even with the decades of self-loathing, guilt and denial......NO REGRETS.
I have received a much, much better deal in Life than I could have imagined; certainly more blessings than I probably deserve. The doors, opportunities and experiences that opened before me were amazing. I have a family, children and grandchildren as the result that gives me a joy I might never have known had I followed a different path
I look back at decision points in my life. I often wonder had I taken that other turn or gone another way (maybe followed those natural or feminine instincts), how Life may have turned out. I know for certain, however, that the choice I made paid dividends. It made for a Life that was productive, interesting and loving.
I will give an example that springs to mind and was a key fork in my CD Road. I had graduated college. Went to live and work in a strange city where I didn't know a soul. As I got into the grind of a new job (and doing well), I had almost no social life. I was "attempting to walk the straight and narrow path" at this point of life. I had the intent to be a good, all-American normal red blooded "guy". But I had no success in meeting people or establishing relationships. I began to despair and thought that this "being normal" crap wasn't going to work out at all. One day prior to my seasonal vacation I spied a green dress on a dept store rack. Quite by accident, but it caught me at one of those weak moments. I began to give serious thoughts about buying that dress and expanding my feminine experiences. Go back and take that "gay" path, I was telling myself. I determined that when I returned to town from vacation I was going to buy that dress, learn to wear it and think about dating men.
It was on that vacation trip that I met my wife. Completely out of the blue, came a girl. We fell in 'love at first sight" and stayed that way for 41 yrs (still going). But she came into my life at that pivotal moment when me - a depressed, lonely, dorky young man - was about to elect an entirely different life path and lifestyle altogether. I won't say she "saved" me from any fate. The positive results that came from it speak for themselves
Yes.... I torment over my transgenderim, CD and even the results it could have on my marriage (we're doing good). But life is good. Never been a better time to be alive.
NIKKI.... my heart goes out to you for being a widower. I know the sting of loneliness. It's probably the one crippling 'disease' I have. I do hope you find companionship again. And listen, I don't know your orientations, where or if you're on the TG spectrum, etc. , but don't give up on the prospect of taking a male living companion and living the rest of your life as a woman. You will make the right choices, Nikki. At this point in Life, you know yourself so much better.
