Told my girlfriend

[ClaireWearsDresses]

First person I ever told and she can't handle it. Breaks my heart. I was very explicit. Heels, dresses, skirts, underwear, makeup. I told her everything. I know it's a lot to take in for her. Just trying to vent but I feel like I really blindsided her. We were gonna get married soon. She demanded that I show her pictures and I did, and that made it really hard for her. Such a tough situation. I feel happy to have admitted it to somebody but so weird. She thinks I have a psychiatric disorder. I need to vent.

[bridget thronton]

Give her some time to process - perhaps things will improve

[Lydianne]

Claire, don't break heart yet. It's still way too early.

Clearly her reaction is reflex and she isn't pre-informed about TG issues. So give her a chance to absorb the news and inform herself. Meanwhile, you get your personal answers ready to the best of your ability so that if she does decide to give you a chance and come back with a barrel of questions, you would be able to tell her everything you know that applies to you, provide reassurances when you know they're possible, and not provide reassurances that you might have to break further down the line.

Way to early to project your future yet. But at least you didn't tell her 10 years down the line after marriage when the choices for how you both proceed would have been much more limited.

Best of luck.

- Lydianne.

[DaisyLawrence]

Well you haven't got a psychiatric disorder but that belief is proof of some serious conditioning by society in your girlfriends mind. That level of conditioning is hard to break down and takes time. What she needs to know and see is that you are EXACTLY the same person you were before your revelation. If she loved the person you were before then she still should. She also needs to realise that all this is part of who you are and probably one of the reasons she loved you in the first place. If she can't come to realise this and it all fails, she probably didn't love you in the first place.

[Rachelakld]

reckon, by definition we all have a "disorder"
my wife likes the fact my disorder isn't "controlling", "angry", "abusive" like her last husband.
my ex has a "religious" disorder that's crippling her relationship with our 15 year old (as it did with me 12 years ago).

It's better you told her now, than after the marriage.

[confused_cathreen]

I am on polar opposites to Daisy's pov. Being willing to try to understand and empathise with your partner after a relevation like this has absolutely nothing to do with loving someone. It's not even about "social conditioning" or sexuality. It's all about who you are inside and how you view your partner in your head with the facts you thought you knew about them. Accusing someone who isnt able to come to terms with new facts after you misrepresented yourself for a long time is not only unfair but totally hypocritical. If this is something inate in you and you hid if from her, its your fault and not hers. Trying to shift blame doesn't change the fact. If she was inately polyamorous and she never told you about it but now she expected you to accept it and welcome a third party in your relationship because you "love" her, the whole forum would be up in arms and shouting "burn the witch". My suggestion is always give as you want to receive. If it's understanding of your position, do the same for her. If it is patience while you try to give her the facts, be ready to do the same. You have the opportunity to show her that you will fight for your relationship, use it. And dont ever tell her, if you love me, you will accept me. Because this is not love, its blackmail. Good luck.

[alwayshave]

Claire, I have that disorder too. Her perception is the same as a lot of people have. It's wrong, but not uncommon. Did you feel her out on the subject before you did the big reveal?

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Confused cathreen, you make a fair point and that's how she sees it too. As a violation of her trust after a year together. And you're right, I'd never tell her that she has to accept it if she loves me.

And alwayshave, I tried to test the waters and she actually never seemed that she'd be accepting of it, but I felt like I had to tell her anyway.

[Queen Bridget]

We were gonna get married soon.

You're going to marry someone who thinks you have a psychiatric disorder because of the way you like to dress?

Walk away. You are going to ruin your life.

[Rayleen]

Claire,

As Bridget said, give her time to absorb and she will probably have other questions like "are you gay"

Get your answer ready and tell her your needs and make sure you reaffirm your love for her if you do love her.


Good luck, Rayleen

[Bobbi46]

"Phsichatric disorder"? nothing could be further from the truth! we are born like this! we were meant to be like this.You did right by telling her of your dressing because to have kept it a secret and then she discovered your interest some years down the line, life then could become difficult. I am a firm believer of being honest.
Sadly if I was you I would strike out anew this relationship will go nowhere but be a cause of disagreement and unhappiness.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Well be sure that you did the right thing and she should know that to. It doesn't go away, and in most people's experience you can ignore it only for so long. She should know that many CDs wouldn't have the courage to tell their girlfriends.

In regards to the notion of cross dressing as a psychiatric disorder; A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. ...

Twenty years ago a guy about my age that worked at the same store as as me in the bakery got fired when he pulled down his pants and showed all the women there his lacy panties. He was suffering from depression, dysphoria, and crippling anxiety. I saw him a few months later at a parking lot about half way cross dressed, and I could tell he was freaking out, we talked for a few minutes and then he almost ran away. I'd always believed growing up I had a mental disorder for all the strange desires I had, but I realized what a real mental disorder is like.

Do you feel significant distress or impairment? I don't.

Anyway, confused Cathreen is correct in her advice I think, you can't make someone accept this, but you can giver her time and try to explain things.

[sometimes_miss]

Do not give her any pictures, and do not let her take any of you. There are websites and apps where women post information on their exes, just like there are those for men, where they warn other women about bad men, and unfortunately, most people think that we are defective or not dateable in some way. I've been through being blackmailed over my crossdressing, and I don't want it to happen to you. Unless, of course, you're 'out' and like it that way.

[Tracii G]

Best that you got that out in the open now rather than later after you married.
Don't think that if you just get married it will all get better and you will stop. Good chance its not and you are going to ruin both your lives.
Reverse things how would you react if your GF out of the blue said I want to dress and act like a man?
Buys the clothes and starts acting like a guy around your friends.
Your relationship is not all about you remember that.

[Yukihime]

I'd give her a bit of space and time to process. Unless you've been hinting to her and building up to a big reveal over the course of your courtship, a new revelation like this would likely cause a lot of conflicting feelings in her at the beginning.

That said, even if she accepts this new aspect of you eventually, do be careful to make sure that she is truely accepting of your dressing, or if she's thinking she can train it out of you eventually or worse, hold it over your head as collateral whenever she wants her way on something.

I truely hope for your sake that her initial reaction is due to shock, rather than any prejudice - that said, a year is not really that long a time for a relationship, but it is a good time to have brought this up I think. Just enough time to know each other, but not yet to the point of too big to fail.

[Alyssa Lane]

Traci G
I hear this all the time, but what is exactly “acting like a man”?
Sure if they said they want a penis, it might be a bit different, but most already wear guys style clothes..... pants, tshirts, and most can easily pull off wearing a suit.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Traci G
I hear this all the time, but what is exactly “acting like a man”?
Sure if they said they want a penis, it might be a bit different, but most already wear guys style clothes..... pants, tshirts, and most can easily pull off wearing a suit.

I've thought this same thing. For example if my wife wanted to start wearing boxer shorts, so what. Wanted to start wearing polos and khakis, no problem. What if she wanted to get a buzz cut? Umm, OK. What if she wanted to start wearing a goatee? Umm...

You are definitely right though, there is a huge parity between what is acceptable clothing for a woman, and a man. My wife could pull anything from my closet (boy or girls side LOL) and wear it anywhere with no issue.

[Judy-Somthing]

Wow everyone says it's better to tell the wife to be what's she's getting into.
I told my wife two years ago after 35 years of marrige, she freaked and said she would have never married me!

Now two years later she loves me one week and hates me the next.
Right now I'm deep in the closet.
Today she says she loves me.

Oh well I hope things work out well for you!

[Stephanie47]

I think the GG's who participate on this site will say you did the right thing. You gave your fiance a choice. She may drop you like a hot potato. Maybe not. But, you laid it all out there before tying the knot. Now the burden of keeping your secret is now a shared secret and possibly a burden in a marriage. As has been related so many times on this forum a woman may change her mind from acceptance to intolerance or worse. "I feel happy to have admitted it to somebody" seems to be a phrase arising all the time. You did the right thing, but, also created a burden for her as well as you. The fact she said you have a psychiatric disorder is based on lack of credible information. That does not mean once she gains knowledge she will find cross dressing is something she wants to deal with in a marriage.

And, do not bring up this worn out reasoning that women can wear men's clothing while men cannot wear women's clothing. I would recommend premarital counseling to work this out.

[nikkiwindsor]

I told my wife about my feminine side before we were married. For me, one of the wisest decision I've ever made. Nikki p.s. it hasn't been easy, NOT at all, but we love & cherish each other immensely and we've been married more than 31 years. We both admit that we have our unique nature and habits and we've learned long ago not to judge one another and to accept each for who we are and that we are committed and faithful to one another.

[GracieRose]

You did the best thing telling her before you got married.
If you are like everyone else here, it won't go away, no matter how hard you try to make it disappear.
That information was a BIG surprise to her, and a lot to absorb,
Give her time and keep the lines of communication open.
Don't push her.
She may realize that you are the same person that she fell in love with, or she may decide that she just can't deal with it.
It's better for her to sort it out now rather than after you are married, with children possibly involved.

[Micki_Finn]

Sorry to hear it, but you said yourself that she had shown no previous inclination towards acceptance so you can’t be that surprised right? It is good that you told her before you got married. Divorces and annulments can be ugly. I think maybe you made a mistake by waiting so long. Probably something that should have come up as soon as the relationship started getting serious, but we all live and learn. Good luck.

[Aunt Kelly]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Confused cathreen, you make a fair point and that's how she sees it too. As a violation of her trust after a year together. And you're right, I'd never tell her that she has to accept it if she loves me.

The "psychiatric disorder" is just a convenient rationalization. It may or may not be a deeply held (if ignorant) belief. The real damage was done by the deception. Getting past that, to a place where she might be open to education and enlightenment will be more difficult because of that. Don't think that I am berating you, but do consider what might have happened if you had come clean at the point your relationship first started to get serious, if you had sat her down and told her of your feelings for her and that because of those feelings, there was something that you needed to share with her.

[kimdl93]

The most difficult subject to address within the cross dressing community is that of whether its a disorder or not. (Please, know that this discussion DOES NOT APPLY to gender dysphoria). From recent literature, it seems that cross dressing becomes a disorder, if and when it causes or contributes to stress, anxiety, low self esteem on the part of a person, and/or creates problems in that person's social or professional life. So, it would seem that cross dressing can be considered a disorder if it disturbs you sufficiently, and if it disturbs those important to you sufficiently.

Clearly this isn't like the measles. Perhaps more like alcohol consumption. People can and many do enjoy alcohol without experiencing adverse consequences in health, relationships, or professional life. Others have their lives ruined by alcohol dependency. Those of us who have been around a while have seen those who successfully incorporate cross dressing into their lives, and those who suffer emotional distress and social losses as a consequence.

More difficult still is determining how to deal with such a "disorder". Therapy is generally aimed at resolving anxieties and improving self acceptance. (Another way of saying learning to live with it) A few studies linking "transvestitism" and OCD have documented benefits of medication. And interestingly, a number of males who have reached their later years, when the sexual aspects of cross dressing diminish, may continue their affinity for this activity, and at times meet the criteria for treatment of gender dysphoria. (Which seems to bring us back to where we started)

[char GG]

You did the right thing by telling her about your dressing prior to marriage. I agree with many of the responses that say to give her time to digest and learn about CDing.

Many GG’s don’t realize that there are people out there that really CD! They think of CDing as drag queens and Caitlin Jenner, not anyone else. Many GGs have never knowingly met a CDer. She has to learn and find out how it affects you. Are you a casual dressers, one day week, a month, 2 times a year or do you have to dress every day and toy with transition? She will have to know all of that! What is most important in your life? CDing or her (or something else)? You should answer her honestly and know yourself how you feel. Also, what is in it for her? Do you like to frequent bars alone or are you willing to include her if she chooses to participate?

I totally disagree with Queen Bridget. You should not walk away. You have known all along that you CD. Your girlfriend just found out. Big surprise. Not usually a revelation that makes just informed GGs jump for joy, do cartwheels, and clap their hands while they say “goody goody”. If you walk now, her perception and fears of CDing are confirmed. Now is the time to get real, honest, and show her your feelings for her have not changed.

Confused Cathreen is also a just informed girlfriend and has excellent advice for you.