Told my girlfriend

[Teresa]

Claire,
There is never a right time to tell a partner , it is always a tough one to know how to face .

Cathreen ,
I don't agree with this attitude . I know you can throw examples of what women can throw back in a male partners face but it's damned hard for a man to come to terms with this in the first place , many boys/men have to wear a rigid straightjacket that most GGs don't experience , to breakout of that takes courage , most of us struggle when we realise we have a female trait which is only dealt with by CDing . To admit that to ourselves is hard enough , we have to come to terms with it before we can even attempt to tell our wives/ partners . To accuse us us witholding , lying and decietfulness is no help , we really don't have full control over such a powerful force .

I'm going to accept that as a woman I would be very annoyed if I called it a hobby , I've often said that I couldn't insult my wife and family with that reason . I'm sure none of us do it to intentionally upset our partners and yet it's often the message that comes across .

I believe what Claire needs to do now is let the dust settle and also go away and write the whole CDing history down , that way she can answer some of her own questions, maybe get a clearer insight into what she would truthfully like to do now and in the future. That gives the impession to her GF that she has taken the trouble to be more truthful , if the GF can't live with the reality of what had been written down then it's probably sensible to call it a day . What Claire mustn't do is start making promises she can't keep , she now has the chance to honest with herself as well as her GF .

CDing is for life , whether it ebbs and flows or is continuous as in my case , but it's not going away .

[Jenny22]

Claire, two days have passed, now. Has she changed or modified her feelings in any way?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire , And now we are playing the waiting game waiting for her reply. >Orchid ..oo

[ClosetED]

Transvestism is not a mental health condition and is not listed in the DSM. However, transvestic disorder, which is described as the practice of cross-dressing when accompanied both by sexual excitement and emotional distress or social impairment as a result of the excitement, is listed as a paraphilic disorder in the DSM.
And yes, the evidence suggests a genetic reason why we do this. You are correct to have told her before marriage, but is it true you hid this. She came to love the person you are, which may include feminine awareness and appreciations. Unless she asked you about this and lied,then did you hide it?
It still doesn't make this easy
Hugs, Ellen

[Joni T]

Breaking up now is a LOT better and cheaper than marriage and divorce. Ask me why I know (and no, dressing had nothing to do with either divorce).
Jon

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Hey everybody,

Thanks for all your helpful comments. So she is definitely starting to come around in a big way. We both want to stay together, and she is still trying to process things and decide how to proceed. She was just extremely surprised and didn't see it coming at all. Yesterday she kind of went back and forth on things, feeling betrayed by me for hiding it for a year and almost as if I'd been "cheating" on her with my dressing up, as if she isn't feminine enough since I need another source of femininity in my life. But later on she was very kind and almost playfully teasing me about it, in a funny way. I know I shouldn't have hidden it, but I've explained to her that I've never told anybody before and how hard it was to build up courage to do so. I've apologized. She really wants to know why I do which I am having a difficult time explaining. She understands that I don't have gender identity issues and that I much prefer being a man after some questioning. She asked if I'm gay, which I'm not. She is afraid of me changing my mind in 20 years or about our kids finding out.

We both believe that we are soulmates, and we're both hopeful that we will get through this. We actually had very good sex last night too which was great. I am just being as patient and empathetic as I can with her. One day at a time for now, I guess.

[Aunt Kelly]

That is certainly a positive turn of events. Education, for both of you, will help. Counseling wouldn't hurt. You both will benefit from an authority other than yourself, explaining things. Don't push. Just offer those things and let her pursue... or reject, at her pace. Also, I would point out, only somewhat flippantly, that in twenty years, you might be fat, bald, alcoholic, or develop a burning need to own a Corvette. So make sure that she know that you intend to continue to see to her happiness, even if you can't change this part of your nature.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Shayna]

It's good that you told her. Mine found out after over 10 years of marriage and she had a similar reaction, even though I was found out instead of coming clean myself. There's no playbook for this, other than to give her space to figure out he she feels, and know that you really can't bottle it up, because the desire to dress will always come back. That being said, you can probably live with some ground rules that respect her feelings.

[Beverley Sims]

It seems that it is cruel to be kind, but I think your outcome is the best course.

Of course it hurts for now, hopefully you can both resolve the issue over time.

[-Elle-]

I am just being as patient and empathetic as I can with her. One day at a time for now, I guess.

Sounds like the right approach, take things slow and be open with her (I say that knowing it’s something I need to do more of too).

[Rebecca Star]

Hi Claire,

From my own experiences (I've always told my SO's within the first few months of dating). Though, there have been some ladies I've dated, who, I just know wouldn't be accepting, no matter what. In those situations, I ended it. Not judging anyone else, but I could never keep that part of me hidden.

Thankfully, your girlfriend seems like she will eventually come around and be OK with your dressing

Seems the majority of girlfriends et al when told about our altered persona's, all tend to jump to similar questions/statements straight up. Hence, here's a few things that spring to mind (from my experience) which I thought might be helpful for you both...

• Answer questions 100% truthfully.
• Try to avoid sweating the what if's (no one regardless of gender or preference knows what the future holds).
• In the 1'st few months, your girlfriend will likely run emotionally hot/cold. EG - be understanding (accepting), then not so cool with it.
• Seems the #1 question/assumption is that your either bisexual &/or want to live 24/7 as a female (it's not 1 size fits all - there are lots of hetro guys who CD).
• If your really up against it, then throw in this curve-ball (it can put your CDing into a relative perspective)... Females have been wearing clothes once considered a man's domain, for years now. Yet no bats an eye lid. However, when a guy wants to wear a dress etc, most people loose their mind. (that really makes them think)

It's early days... You both will experience highs and lows.

Keep in mind, you've had literally years to come to terms with your fem-side. Your girlfriend also needs time to process this information.


hugs

Lisa

[char GG]

Rebecca Star,
Four of your five points to the OP are excellent. The 5th one is not so good. Women typically don’t wear “men’s clothes” to try to pass as men. They wear women’s clothes made for women according to the fashion of this day and age. My husband tried that rational with me a long time ago and it is extremely irritating. This is not the 40’s, 50’s, or the Donna Reed Show.

To the OP:
Please don’t try Rebecca Star’s point number 5. It makes no sense and may just may be counterproductive.

[Maria in heels]

please don't be insulted by what your girlfriend said today because she has just experienced her world turned upside down by your talk with her. She needs some time to process, cry, be angry, and hopefully then she will not do anything but ask you certain questions that I think that all of us have been thru at one point or another. Maybe she wanted to see pictures because she didn't believe you, and once she can start to process, you must realize that it is a lot for a girlfriend or a wife to actually ask to see pictures... please give her time

[confused_cathreen]

I agree with Char, point #5 is not something I would want to hear, if you were expecting compassion from me. The fact that women are able to wear trousers made for them came after some of them fought for it and died in the process. It wasn't just accepted easily by the establishment,i.e the male population. They never tried to pass as men, they just needed to wear the clothes for practical reasons.
I agree though that in theory, men should be able to wear what they want as it would also be helpful to women since it would spare them from situations like what your gf is going through atm. Be warned about the too much too early phenomenon, under no circumstances should you appear dressed in front of her, regardless of her asking. If she does ask, tell her that you would like to do that with her one day but you don't feel it's the right time yet. If you appear secretive or that you want to keep this strictly personal, this will appear autoerotic and that you get your "kicks" without her and therefore, she'll start questioning whether she is redundant in this relationship. Which also might be something you need to start thinking about, how do you plan to intergrate crossdressing in your relationship? Do you hope for tolerance, acceptance or participation? Do you wish to bring it to the bedroom? She might ask you for a short term plan, whats the first thing you want her to get her head around. Think of what your answer would be. Oh, and more importantly, don't get lost in the fog. She might not be inclined to go looking for you.

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Interestingly enough, SHE brought up point #5 on Rebecca Star's list, which I also disagree with. I countered that it's more of an accepted/practical issue along the lines of what Cathreen mentioned, and that if she secretly dressed up in a tux and put on a fake beard and men's toupee in the mirror, then that would be more akin to the issue at hand. I think that's maybe a good way to empathize with how our GGs feel about us as CDs. However, I do agree that every other one of Rebecca's points are excellent.

And yes Maria, the picture was for proof, because she was so shocked at first that she didn't believe me and thought I was playing a joke on her. Unfortunately, that may have been too much too soon for her.

[CONSUELO]

Claire,

Its messy and I sympathize with your current situation. But look at the other side of this too. First you are not in any way suffering from a psychiatric disorder. Second, you are not going to drop being a cross dresser even though, like many others here you may try. Better that she finds our from you telling her than for you to suffer for years trapped in a secret closet and one day finding her opening the closet door.

Indeed it is tough but on balance I think you did the right thing. Your fiancé seems to have a very closed mind. It is up to her to open it up and educate herself.

[Desiree2bababe]

Been there, done that however mine asked to see so I went and got dressed for her. Of course all the normal questions arose and I regret I did not tell her I'd been with men also but that came to light later in life after we married. You did the right thing, trust me. Mine was ok with dressing but not the the extent I took it, which she did not know of until she came to realize I had as many pretty things as she did and did not just stop at dressing. Good luck, you will find someone who accepts you for you.

[suzanne]

Im so glad your relationship is strong enough to withstand the initial shock of your revelation. Not everyone is so fortunate. Best of luck going forward.

[Maid_Marion]

All relationships have issues of one sort or another. It is good that you told her early in the relationship.

[DMichele]

Claire,
I commend you for your honesty. As for your SO, this revelation or discovery was initially monumental, I am sure. Your second post indicates a willing on her part to learn the answers to the why, how, when and other questions. Give her time, continue with the open approach, and admit you may not know all the answers to her questions.
Best wishes, and I hope the two of you can find commonality and move on.

[Patrica Gil]

PSHCHIATRIC DISORDER. My ex was pretty much on the same page. The way you mentioned she demanded to see pictures of you dressed. Demanded, that is pretty strong statement. Almost makes one think she has a temper problem. My ex has a temper problem and cannot control it. Though she didn’t believe she needed counseling for it, hmm. Moses did not enter the promise land because he had a bad temper.
The question now is does this woman love you for the person that is you, or the package you bring. Package, you know income, promise of a good future, those things that matter to a lot of people. In the end don’t we want to be loved for the person that we are, not what others think we should be.
Yes, I wear dresses, hose, and heels a lot. Still the core person that is me has not changed. Taking care of my family and those around me matter most to me, and being honest and fair with other people. You know treat other in the best manner we can. What has changed? More of those around me know, and yes, they love me. Good luck.

[Sara Fina]

Honesty is always the best answer. Take it slow and acclimate her to it one day at a time. Sit down with her and be kind and explain with sincerity. Most women get upset because we weren’t upfront with it to begin with.

[Cheshire girl]

Yes it should come right with patience

[Hozeguy]

My wife knows I wear hose but I haven’t yet told her about wearing heels, dresses, etc. Not really sure how to approach it. Any advice?

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Claire...

All I can think to say is:
No matter how things pan out you will never regret disclosing this to her. This is you and this is real. She needed to know and you needed to share it.

Hang in there!