Conquering enemy territory !

[Teresa]

My new town is very much my own territory now and have been around most of it dressed , no man's land lies between my new town and my old and an area beyond where we have another social group but my old home town is very much enemy territory because of my wife . I haven't told the story on the forum but some very old mutual friends let us both down and now my wife doesn't want to see me or speak to me again .
Today my art group was having a private viewing of the new exhibition before opening to the public on Monday , I made a few suggestions beforehand that if I joined them it might be as Teresa, now this is obviuosly a BIGGY for me ! To go back to my home town for the second time dressed but this time in broad daylight and also to let my class see me in reality , some have seen pictures . I was really blowing hot and cold over this one but my final decision came down to my future intentions , as I would like to get my own art group up and running . Maybe it's wishful thinking but if I could set one up it would be great to eventually stage our own exhibition , to achieve that as Teresa will need some confidence to put myself in the forefront of that situation .

So how did it go ? Well it was incredible , I had some time to kill so walked along the busy High Street to check out a few charity shops and struck lucky with a nice selection of clippon earrings . I finally entered the Art Centre , at first no one spoke because they didn't recognise me , well after I broke the ice with my group tutor it all went so well , everyone was very accepting even the older guy who told me beforehand that he couldn't handle it . I had several conversation with the female members about outfits and makeup because they were surprised how I looked . A lady then came out to me on behalf of two TG friends she knew in my old town , she made it clear that she defends us with every bone in her body and told me in no uncertain terms where bigots deserved to be sent . A younger member told me she had seen me across the gallery and wondered who the pretty lady was not realising it was the guy who sits opposite her painting the big canvases . She couldn't get over it, in fact when the question arose of how I would present myself after the Summer break they were unanimous in saying come dressed !

I will add that the exhibtion gallery was being shared by all the art groups that use the centre so the room also had artists and guests I hadn't met before , well now I have some new friends from across the groups with invites to join them as Teresa .

Again I would have regretted it so much if I had chickened out , I had to take advantage of this opportunity , don't know if and when it might have occured again . So now I have created the problem of being consistent in my appearance with them , I'm just going to remind you all that my mother does help out at the Art centre , she does know about my Cding now but may not be comfortable bumping into me . Ok I did take the chance of visiting the cinema dressed which went well . The other problem is do I totally ingore my wife's objections and risk someone she knows seeing me and passing it on to her ? The stack up ended when she put the phone down on me after I told her the problem was she had lost control over me . That I believe is more of a problem to her than my CDing if she were to be totally honest with me .

Since we separated I feel I have to take control and not back down , she knows the score , I did point out that I'm not hiding to please her because at the end of the day it really isn't making any difference . She then waved her ace card by reminding me about our grandsons , I see it now that she is creating more of a problem out of that and even manipulating the situation . If she was OK about we could all work round the problem that she is creating as much as she accuses me of .

[CONSUELO]

Teresa,

Such a lot of issues packed into one post. I think all I can do is listen, that is read, empathize and hope that all goes well for you.
You seem to have thoroughly broken the ice with your art group so that is a huge positive.
A pity that your wife has decided to use the relationship with your grandsons as a weapon to get at you. All you can do under the circumstances is be patient and let time take care of the outcome. Often those seeking revenge find that their machinations blow back in their face.
Have you ever thought of writing up your journey? You have several thousand posts that have captured many of the events along your journey but I don't think anyone else on this forum has written so openly and in so detailed a fashion about coming out as a cross dresser.

[Jaylyn]

Good read and I think Consuelo summed the response up perfectly. It's a shame that any family members be used against any of us and especially grandkids, it would break my heart if that happened to me.

[Majella St Gerard]

You know, nothing you do will make her happy. You're at the point where you have to own it and be yourself. She's trying to manipulate you into being what she wants. Her embarrassment is her's not yours, don't kowtow to her. She will come off as petty and mean if she outs you, tell her to piss off and tell them yourself, you can only be blackmailed if you let her. Just be yourself.

[Lana Mae]

Teresa, I stand with you, but are you really CD or might you be TG? If you are going 24/7, dressing with the art groups was a good start! Your wife should have no say about the grand kids as that is up to their parents not your wife! Just my $0.02! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Majella,
A very old friend I had this conversation with did suggest I tell them to to use a more explicit word with OFF ! I have to say my wife has done me a favour , it had to happen somehow I was going to have to tell her I really didn't need or want contact at the moment , it's like a black cloud descending on me when she does contact me , it has to stop if I've a real chance of moving on .

Consuelo,
In some respects her attitude is backfiring on her , my daughter told to mind her own business when she revealed that my graddaughter had seen me , she pointed out she is an adult and mother to the child so it was her decision .
As far as the art group is concerned I obviously don't have a problem , my fear was they take exception to me and leave the group, it must have at least ten paying members under the Art Centre ruling and I would hate to close it down because of not considering other members , so it doesn't look like that will happen . The fact I have been so open and honest has encouraged me to come out so much and I hope other members see how benificial it is , it we can't do it here on a help forum where else do we do it to move on ?

Lana ,
No question I'm more than a CDer , I consider I'm a good way down the TG road but does all that really matter if I'm becoming more comfortable and finally finding a balance, being accepted obviously isn't a problem and that is the big hurdle we all have to get over in a similar situation to mine . To integegrate into the community is my goal and it's happening more and more everyday . I still mustn't lose sight of my family to achieve that and I always said my wife holds the ace cards , she feels she is entitled to have her say because she is now doing all the child minding since she blew up with me .

[IleneD]

Teresa,

These days, these events and encounters are like omens to us. Signs.
It's all too common for modern folk to ignore or even talk themselves out of omens, signs, fate or destiny. This is your time, circumstances and the vibes of the people around you giving off the signals.

I make the analogy to singing. Most people enjoy singing but most people are also poor singers too. They are weak singers because they sing half-heartedly. Rarely do you hear people with with an open, clear and throaty voice; especially in the company of others. We stifle our voices. We restrain ourselves from singing out loud or projecting so others can hear. It kills our song and the song inside us. Think of your last visit to church and how you [and the general congregation] sang the hymns. You get the idea.
Well that's how we become about other expressions of ourselves. We hold back. We retrain ourselves; and yes, often because of the reaction we fear from others.

Sister Teresa,
You've been singing in the shower or confines of the motorcar far too long. You are ready for the world to hear you sing, out loud, proudly and without fear. You have no control over your wife's reaction now. She knows the facts and circumstances, and there is absolutely no need to keep twisting a cat's tail or poking a stick in your eye as a long time friend. Don't respond in anger or snark. Don't be mean. Keep the door open for HER to change. If she can't move on, and you can, I recommend you do.

Go about your business in as much of your Teresa persona as you may. This is a proud and happy time to re-discover and re-invent yourself as a human being. How many "mature" people get a chance in their senior years to find such a great purpose.?! You are already discovering there is new life and life beyond.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I had to smile at the singing analogy because as I was driving the twenty miles back to my old hometown I had Neil Diamond on my car CD singing , "I am I said !" It felt appropriate going from my new home town to my old , as the song relates to LA and NY being his hometown . Ok not the best song to sing if you have concerns about a femme voice but I did sing along with some wellie !

I don't think my wife knows how to stop being snarky , it tends to run in her family , as you may have gathered I'm not a mean person and I tried to keep the door open for her but it was only open on her terms and I don't need to accept her contolling ways anymore . Your last paragraph says it all , I know it comes from someone who understands that situation , you enjoy the trips but it does come at a price , I hope you now sing with a full voice !

[phili]

Teresa,
I think you are seeing that people now feel you as a woman and you can just go with it. People secretly want to feel free and genuine, and they admire anyone who just is themselves, and as a result is gracious and considerate and authentically nice like you are.

It is painless for them and actually a great relief- which is why the ladies all said come back dressed! They would much rather have a genuine vulnerable friend than any other option. I am so happy for you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Sounds like the post-divorce distance is giving you more confidence in every respect. Your ex obviously has more negativity than anyone else in your life and I hope you continue to live life on your own terms, not hers- you're definitely moving in the right direction.

Fabulous dress in your avatar, it's the most wonderful colour.

Happy to hear things are going well!

[Kiwi Primrose]

All the best for your new situation. You always give good advice, now it is your turn to look after yourself.
Your postings and photos indicate your desire for the future, now go for it .

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

Another insightful well written post. Glad to read that all went so well with your art group.

So, even in little old England even small towns have thousands and thousands of people. The likelihood of you firstly bumping into someone who knows you and, given what you wrote about members of your group not recognising you, it seems the chances of an encounter with someone from the past is remote.

Add to that from the experiences you've described that the likelihood any such encounter will go badly is low, old town should not be taboo for you. Plus what you're ex doesn't know won't hurt her. She needs to get over her bigotry and start facing facts. A big one being she's in a small minority.

Keep moving forward, live your life. We have the right of free movement in the UK , exercise that right.

[Teresa]

Phili,
It's a lovely way of describing the situation, it's so true . It's a way of life that possibly couldn't happen to most of us in male mode , how I would miss the chance to experience it . Again it goes back some time to when Reine talked about acieving the balance , she talked of the huge pendulum swing which finally does come to rest and when it does we have probably arrived . While we are about the same age and I don't personally feel I'm that old but at some point all this has to stop, it is too mentally tiring , we have to accept what is and live with it the best we can .

Nikki,
The full write up is in the picture section when five forum girls met up . I was very lucky with the dress , my rear friend gave it to me when she closed her bridal business down so wearing it does feel very special for several reasons . I missed out on a beautiful dusky pink dress she was prepared to give me that one as well but I couldn't close the zip !! OK I may be a little mutton dressed as lamb but it is fun to go out and wear it on occasions .

Helen,
It's partly why I keep posting these threads , maybe some are becoming bored with them but if they help one person through their situation it's worth telling the story. Obvioulsy it also still helps me deal with a difficult situation at times , to get a different perspective on our own issues , sometimes we don't see the wood for the trees !!

[Stephanie47]

I think you need to refresh us as to what your kids feel about you appearing as a woman. Do the adults accept you now? Are they shielding the grandsons from you? Sooner or later the grandsons are going to find out, if they haven't already. Your wife only holds power over the situation if the issue is being hid. It reminds me of the "olden days" when homosexuals were thought of as security risks because homosexuality was not accepted. Once the person's sexuality is 'outed' then really the risk is going to disappear. At some point in time your wife is going to lose leverage. I have to make the assumption the grandsons do not know you wear women's clothing. Otherwise, she would not be espousing nonsense. Personally, if I was in your situation I would confront the parents of the grandsons. If they are not forthcoming then they are really allowing your former wife to toss gasoline on the flames. Shielding them from the truth is actually teaching them there is something 'wrong' with grandpa.

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
It is as you say but the situation isn't easy , you are correct in the assumptions about my wife but my daughter in law is very black and white . She told my wife that if her husband was a CDer he would be out the door . My son is caught between these two and I doubt gets very much choice in the matter of talking to me one to one to tell me exactly how he feels . On the surface they give me the front that they are OK and accept it but the boys are shielded from it ( obviously I'm making that assumption but would say it's 99% fact !) I won't be making any suggestions to open up the conversation , they know the situation, they know where I am and they also kmnow my daughter has met me with her husband and granddaughter . They were fine about it all but my wife tried to inervene telling them it was wrong , they told her to mind her own business !

I'm waiting with interest now for the boys to grow up a little and see if CDing enters their lives ( no it's not wishful thinking because we all know how it does affect us ) , and how they deal with it , no doubt some barbs will be thrown in my direction accusing me that it's partly my fault . So to answer the question you posed, no I will stay away from telling them how to raise their boys and what they should and shouldn't believe in . I have worked out some very good answers if they do find out and start to ask me why I wear different clothes and change my appearance .

[Asew]

I had a few questions sparked by Lana's reply and your resulting reply. What circumstances are you still dressing like a man? Down the road, do you plan on fully ditching the male clothes?

[Teresa]

Asew,
At the moment as soon as I walk the dog I return and dress that is more to do with not having time to apply makeup although I did walk her fully dressed last Saturday morning because of intending to leave home early . Dressing around the home doesn't feel like CDing just very normal , I have reached the point where I prefer to go out to do all my running about dressed , I have to accept that I will need about twenty minutes to do makeup and decide what I'm going to wear , nails are usually done for several days .

OK male clothes are still needed when going back to my old home town , so I now go reluctantly because of accepting the restriction it imposes . I have to consider my wife, son and his family and my mother . I'm gradually working on it , hence this thread but at the moment if I want to dress full time it means cutting off some of my family .

I have to accept it's early days , I've only been able to dress freely since February and I have achieved more than I thought , the learning curve for everyday is harder than I thought . I have to admit walking down the busy High Street in my old home town did feel very special , yes I did see people I knew but they passed me without realising .

Even if you take a read through the TS section it becomes obvious that full time is easier said than done for many of them , the requirement is at least one year before they can move on . That suggests I want to transition , in some respects I already have , Marcella ( Isha ) called it social transition , the first step is probably being totally comfortable being out and about which I am now , if that's as far as it goes then so be it .

[Beverley Sims]

The Grandchildren issue can be resolved if you have a good relationship with their parents.

It just takes time and the children will eventually want to see you.

[Teresa]

Bev,
The problem is there's a little egg shell walking because of my wife's influence . I do try not to put them in the middle of the situation between my wife and myself . I have perhaps revealed enough about my son and daughter's marriage situation , I must be fair to them and not bring that aspect into the open too much .

I recall a thread recently with the opening line of now living in the 21st century or words to that effect . I believe it was a mother to daughter conversation obvioulsy with a smililar background story . I understand my daughter did say something along those lines to my wife , she apparently replied, " Ok I'm old fashioned but that's you problem isn't it !! " She needs to careful she won't be left in her dark ages with no family around her if she doesn't change her attitude , it's destructive for all around her .

Maybe I should have made easier for all of them by moving 200 miles away rather than 20 , because my wife doen't want to see me or speak to me now .

[Marissa_M]

Wow, just...WOW.
After reading that I can only admire you all the more Teresa for the courage you demonstrated. Mucho respect!

[Maddie_h22]

Teresa,
I am really sorry to hear about your strained relationships. That sounds like a hard situation. Good luck with the art groups that you're involved with. I believe art has the power to bring real transformation to communities.

[DaisyLawrence]

Teresa, last year, when describing your 'amicable' separation I suggested it may be wise for you to get prepared for a possible divorce. You stated categorically that things would remain amicable and you would not be getting divorced mostly as your wife would never want one. I repeat my earlier advise now, it's almost as inevitable as the Titanic going down after hitting the iceberg.

[Rebecca Star]

Dear Teresa,

If being the woman, lady, the person you want to present as, makes you happy and contented, then do as you desire. If being "Teresa" is what maes you complete, then be her and no one else. Never be a slave to anyone's demands. Otherwise you'll always live like a prisoner, in shackles on your knees.

[Teresa]

Marissa,
Thanks for that , now we've met you know what sort of person I am , if I could keep things right you know I'd try .
Shame you can't get away on Thursday we're meeting up at Springfields , Spalding for coffee and a little shopping in the early evening .

Daisy,
I was hoping amicable would work , maybe I should have seen it coming, it was all still on her terms . I'll have to consider taking steps to safeguard myself , the part that is both frustrating and annoying is she is making it harder for our children not easier .

Rebecca,
I called the years of being in the closet solitary confinement and I've no intentions of being forced back into that situation now I have separated .

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
I think twenty miles awat in the U.K. is as good as distance that you need to get.

I still feel that time and distance will be effective for you.

Remember the other adage, others eventually get used to the idea and you become less of a stranger again.

You have taken a good leap in a relatively short time and you carry yourself appearance wise quite convincingly I feel.

If I stood next to you in conversation I could make a more accurate judgement I suppose.