Ugh, that was like at least a decade ago. So much has happened in my life since, and right now it's late & I'm beyond exhausted!
I will say that I feel doing something like that is probably pretty much a must for those *seriously* questioning/considering. Think of it as a "dry-run," if you will. It's like, well, if I go down the TS road, here is basically a small sampling of what to expect from the daily grind -- particularly at the beginning of such. (I suppose the longer/further one goes, I would imagine some things do get easier/more routine/second-nature -- while eventually introducing a whole host of new issues & experiences that need to be dealt with accordingly.)
I dunno, just gonna ramble for a bit... But during my later en-femme days, I was always big on real-life, everyday presentation. And I was one of those who honestly felt I HAD to wear some make-up before I left the house, no matter where I was going or how quick the trip might be. My mother has always been the same way, and I probably just got that from her... Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, after all.
And even if I was just wearing some casual jeans & a top, I wanted to make sure that I still looked pretty good before I stepped out the door.
During this trial run, it got to the point where I thought of the grooming & presentation stuff as a time-consuming hassle. And yet, I simply *couldn't* leave the house looking like a mess! It just didn't internally jive with me. Oh, that daily grind was *real*, on so many levels.
Just one thing that has always really stuck out to me, from all this. There were all sorts of other thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences, observations, whatever, at the time. But that one hit home pretty hard, for some reason.
Anyway, I was already pretty "girly" during that era, in many aspects of my life. My social circle was the LGBT crowd & its awesome GG-supporters. At work I was pretty close to just being "one of the girls" (though not particularly presenting as such at the office). I was (and still am
) a bit of a home-body, as well... And at the time I was really into "girling up" my home, really making it my own, having a nice little sanctuary of sorts? Oh, and I was also a bit of a mistress to some guy, as I explored my sexuality & romantic relationship potential as a hetero female. I dunno, stuff like that.
IOW, while maybe not 24/7, I was *already* living a lot of the life.
With that background, I just felt like I had to take it up a notch to 24/7 during those 10 days or so. And while I liked it & felt comfortable, as I mentioned earlier, it was also pretty tough at times! It was almost "too much," ya know? And I felt like something was missing... I missed the guy part of me.
Ah, there it is... Confirmation that I do have a "guy self."
It took me all that to realize that I'm not totally a woman, that I don't need to transition. I dunno, it's hard to describe, and it's way more than just that. I just hope I'm making a bit of sense here, LOL. I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to say it right now!
I guess it was like I was more-or-less intentionally (
) "erasing" my male self. And in doing so, I understood at a fundamental level that not only was I aware that there actually was something to erase, but that it was a part of me that I could never let go while still feeling right in doing so. It was like,
"No, that's who I am, too! Why would I get rid of him?? That isn't fair or right!"
Honestly, towards the end, I couldn't wait for those 10 days to finally be over. As strange as that may sound to some, that's how I genuinely felt. I loved & felt comfortable being a visitor & welcomed guest, so to speak -- but I learned by actually doing that I didn't want or need to become a permanent resident. It was certainly an interesting & surreal experiment & experience... Not only those 10 days, but that era in my life. Kinda weird in a way, now that I look back it, LOL.
As for you trying something like that, Leslie?
Yes, if you truly feel you need to, then absolutely do it. No question about it. And how you go about it, is obviously totally up to you.
I will say try to keep things real. While all of those you mention (an extended vacation as a tourist in a new city, a stay-home break, or even a temporary job in a new city for some period of time) would be interesting & eye-opening in their own unique ways, I'd suggest trying to live your life as you would "as her" -- however that might be. Reality is key. And honestly, I could see any & all of those three ideas as plausible, depending on how you view & live them. Heck, try all three.
But as I alluded to, this is not a fantasy, this is not a game, this is not a stage. This is real-life. So, be sure to treat it as such.
If you genuinely & seriously put it into that context, I feel anyone would find at least some of the answers they're looking for.
I could probably write a book on this, but that's all I've got for now! Hope it helps!!
Originally Posted by Alice B
