Patches of Anxiety

[KatrinaK]

So I've finally achieved a state of self-acceptance. I'm leaving the house... confident out in public... and more people in my life know now, which has been a source of great relief.

But there are little things that still give me anxiety. Here's one:

On Saturday I went to Hamburger Mary's with my lovely wife, and Micki Finn and her lovely wife. It was AMAZING!!! Before I went, my wife and I went for a mani/pedi. I had been growing my nails out all month for the event and got gel put on them. They even grew long enough to get a short almond shape to them. They're a pink coral color to match the flowers on my favorite Michael Kors dress.

I work from home all but one day every two weeks, and my wife and I almost always get a mani/pedi right after my in-office day because I'm not out at work. I wasn't supposed to have to go into the office for another week, but they need me to switch it up. That means I need to cut my nails off and remove the pink gel. I LOVE them sooooooo much that it's going to break my heart to remove them tomorrow. I'm confident enough these days to rock my pink almond nails in boy-mode out and about, but not in the office. I find my income very helpful in the pursuit of more pretty dresses, so cutting them off is the lesser of two evils, but it really makes me sad. I feel like I need to give something up that I love so much because of the prejudices of others.

I know this is the story of our lives, but this time it actually hurts because I wasn't expecting it. It's more than about the nails. Now that I've achieved a sense of self-acceptance, the times when I need to compromise myself to satisfy others hurt more and more.

[Sami Brown]

I am sorry to hear about this, Katrina. I don't know how much it will help, but perhaps if you focus upon all of the hurdles you have already overcome, it will help you with the current disappointment. For all you know, in a few months or years this type of situation at work will be a thing of the past for you.

Sami

[Sidney]

I can totally understand. I'm not 24/7 but pretty closeost days
I didn't discover Sidney until I was in my early sixties, I'll turn 73 in a few months. I have some life long friends that do not know of Sidney. I've asked myself if before finding Sidney and one of them came out to me as a crossdresser or TG how would I have reacted and can honestly say I don't know. So when they come to stay the weekend or longer Sidney is in the closet. I still sleep in my nightgown. I just don't want to risk losing friends I have had for over 50 years. So I endure the pain

[Brenda Freeman]

bummer Katrina,
but wow going out with the wife, getting nails done together, that is wonderful. Work does get in the way and my work environment definitely would not have allowed it. I just retired, now I have grown my hair out, may get my ears pierced. Finally some Freedom to be me! So sad it is this way for so many.

[docrobbysherry]

OMG, Katrina! U and Micki were at Mary's and I missed u? Dam! I met a number of new, interesting T girls there, too!

Well, I mite not recognize u and u certainly wouldn't recognize me! I was only Sherry for a few minutes.

[KatrinaK]

Soooo, my wife gave me some advice last night that I would be far more successful in all aspects of my life it I just “owned it” so I compromised with myself, went back to the salon today and got matte navy blue finger nails and I’m gonna rock them to the office tomorrow and if anyone cares, they can F Off.

And Sherry, yes we were there and we totally missed you.

[Lana Mae]

Katrina, I do not know your situation but have felt that anxiety myself! Take the polish off before returning to work! Then one day I looked at them and said they are too pretty to take the polish off and I wore them to work the next day and have ever since! I had two fellow employees ask if I was gay(I am not!)! Later in front of the boss, a former employee grabbed my hand and called me"one of those transgenders!" The boss has seen them and very close up but has said nothing! Best wishes with yours! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jaylyn]

Katrina I feel for you but we all go thru this patchy feelings thing. I get all dressed up and feeling great and as time approaches to undress and get back in male mode it is a downer. On a high for an hour or two and boom feeling low for the next hour. I've grown used to it but the feeling still leaves what almost feels like depression.

[KatrinaK]

Jaylyn,

It's not so much the come-down, as the investment in things that would be considered more gender fluid in boy mode. For instance, my nails... I grew them all month and didn't want to cut them off for someone else. When/if I'm ready, I'll cut them off for myself. I'm pretty fluid, and my wife is encouraging me to be more fluid. I just don't like having to conform. And I don't think I really need to that much because I work in the film industry. So it's more about feeling anxiety and the need to destroy things I love that make me feel good to conform so that someone else wont have a negative opinion. I'm already there in my personal life, but I'm feeling confined in my business life, so I'm trying to forge new ground there.

Fingers crossed I keep my job, LOL!

[KatrinaK]

Okay so I wore my matte navy blue nails to the office today and nobody batted an eye. Another milestone of realizing nobody cares. Yay for all of us.

[Beverley Sims]

I am sorry Katrina, I have had to suck it up for years so it is unfortunate that you have to go into work.

But then you need that cash flow to get your nails done again. :-)

[KatrinaK]

I know Beverley! And pretty dresses don't grow on trees either! ;P

[Micki_Finn]

I totally understand Kat! Now, I have more leeway on some of the little stuff like nail color and whatnot, there are still times when I freak out about “that’s not appropriate for work” but then I double down on the self-hate for not “being true to my authentic self.” In the end however, I usually just want to get through my day without a hassle. There’s just days when I’m just too old and tired to take a stand for principles sake.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

As long as you remove all traces of product from your nails, I'm not sure their shape would be very noticeable to anyone but you, unless you grew them really long. I'd think in SoCal this would be especially true.

Now I just read your post about matt blue nails. We're the centre of our own universes, but we're rarely the centre of anybody else's.

[Teresa]

Katrina,
Many men now have well shaped and manicured nails, so maybe you don't need to be too drastic with trimming them , perhaps you're overthinking it a touch .

As for the colour well I keep forgetting to remove mine but it hasn'r really been too much of a problem in drab , I use a colour called Grape Sorbet which is a very soft pink and very wearable for everyday .

I'm suprised you chose navy blue but good for you , so another little steeping stone taken , I must admit I did get an OH! from my post girl when she saw me wearing electric blue in drab but then she added , " Nice colour !"

[KatrinaK]

I’m so glad I stuck with them. My nails are a bit long, but not too long... bu I really these my matte navy blue nails so much right now... might become my new thang. They’re gel, so even if I didn’t, they aren’t coming off at home!

[Majella St Gerard]

So don't compromise.

[DMichele]

Katrina,
Thanks for sharing your manicure quandary and moving forward. Kudos to your wife for her support.
I gave myself a mani with a very light pink nail polish on Friday evening, but I will remove the polish before work on Monday. But I do hope to grow out my nails, use a matte polish in the near future, which I will wear to work.

[Stephanie47]

Happy the nails worked out at the office. I'm sure most people seeing a man show up with feminine nails will start speculating. See how the feedback continues in the future. I'm in the same boat as Sidney (#3, above). Even at advancing age there are relationships one may still want to maintain at some cost. If I were "to own it" as your wife said, there may still be adverse consequences. Some may drop a friend like a hot potato. Is it worth it in the long run? It's hard to gauge it all until it happens. Heck, in this toxic political climate people drop relationships because of political party affiliation. It's not too much of a stretch to see someone would drop me as a friend because I wear women's clothing when the need arises. As a retiree with a secure income I don't have to fear losing a job. I think it is safer to keep employment and personal lives separate.

As to the nails, I try to keep mine at a length many women have them these days. I'm fairly good at observing my surroundings. The majority of women do not have very long nails. My attention is drawn to those who have claws and try to work a keyboard or a cash register. Their hand movements are awkward. Most women I see keep their nails just long enough to extend over the tips of their fingers. Most seem to not add color unless there is a social occasion.

Anyone care to post their true everyday nail length?

[Alice B]

I always had anixity about being out in public with my pinted toe nails in non dressing situations, with friends, etc. Had closed toe sandals I could wear. I just got some open toed sandals that are easier to put on since my hip replacement. My wife was not thrilled that I would go out wearing them, especially around friends. But, she has relented and now I am openly going out with the nails painted a deep purple. This is major progress in my mind.